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what would you do

soccerchica604soccerchica604
100 Comments
in Moms and Maids
Ok so this is going to be a bit long and I apologize now for that. I will try and shorten it up as much as possible...

Ok so I am getting married next March and I am planning and paying for my wedding. A friend of mine eloped last year and is now coming home and having a HUGE wedding up here in two weeks.

So her maid of honor waited until the last minute to plan her shower and bachelorette party despite multiple bridesmaids reaching out multiple times to ask what and when we were doing things and if we could help. She took suggestions and that was it.

Two weeks ago (a month before wedding) I recieved an invite to both a shower and a bachelorette party. She is throwing both the weekend before the wedding, one right after the other. So...I am upset because I am expected to come up with a shower gift, money to go bar hopping (cover charges, I dont have money so I wouldnt drink) an hour away from my house and then hotel money, money to have my dress altered, and a wedding gift. I think this is insane! It wouldnt have been a big deal had I have known in advance so I could have planned for it.

I am having to put my wedding plans on hold because I have all this stuff to pay for for hers. I made a comment to another bridesmaid about not bringing a gift to the shower and she flipped and said it would be rude.  So now I feel like I am going to be a horrible friend/bridesmaid no matter what choice I make. I cant talk to the bride because she doesnt know anything, its all a surpise.

So I thought I had figured out a way to move money around and make things work, and then I get an email that my wedding dress has arrived so my final payment is due. So now, I have no money extra because that extra money needs to go to my dress.

So what do I do? Do I go to the wedding without a gift and go to the bachelorette party? Do I skip the bachelorette party and get a shower gift that shell actually use? Do I skip both? What would you do?
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Re: what would you do

  • soccerchica604soccerchica604
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh and am I the only one who thinks its weird that shes having a bachelorette party when shes already married???
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_would-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7ad4aea8-c5d0-4279-ade1-a5f91d5e3804Post:a4d5a163-db3b-4d45-a85a-ff58388f100b">Re: what would you do</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh and am I the only one who thinks its weird that shes having a bachelorette party when shes already married???
    Posted by soccerchica604[/QUOTE]

    <div>No, you are not weird. I wouldn't want anything do to with this crap. I honestly wouldn't go to anything related to this PPD (pretty princess day). She shouldn't be doing ANY of this if she is already married. It is extremely tacky and just plain stupid. She's already <strong>married.</strong> Showers, gifts, BMs, and B-parties are something you sacrifice when you elope. Saying that eloping isn't a "real" wedding is wrong. If getting the blessing of the church is so important or if they can't afford a bigger event, I don't get why people don't just wait. </div>
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  • KarenofcourseKarenofcourse member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This is one hot mess!!

    She already had a wedding-what is scheduled is a vow renewal. She eloped and did so a while back.  It is in extremely poor taste to expect anyone to shell out for all this stuff when she is already married.  Do not feel bad if you do not attend-you are getting married and paying for it!!  Explain due to your upcoming wedding, you will not be able to attend all these functions (if that is what you wish to do.)  No one should question you or make you feel bad. If they do, they are not friends!! 

    Her choice was to elope and due to her choice, certain things can not be expected unless she wants to appear totally classless!!
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  • BinxRoseBinxRose member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I completely agree that the bachelorette party is tacky because she IS already married. But, you said the shower and bachelorette party are a surprise, so it's not really her fault this is happening, right? I personally would just opt out of both events if money is an issue. Afterwards, you can tell the bride you couldn't make it due to financial reasons. Nothing wrong with that. And if she can't understand, then she's probably not that good of a friend.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    10000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I answered you on E.
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  • mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_would-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7ad4aea8-c5d0-4279-ade1-a5f91d5e3804Post:5b962b6c-6dab-42c1-8410-7f905c76fa2f">Re: what would you do</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: what would you do : No, you are not weird. I wouldn't want anything do to with this crap. I honestly wouldn't go to anything related to this PPD (pretty princess day). She shouldn't be doing ANY of this if she is already married. It is extremely tacky and just plain stupid. She's already married.  Showers, gifts, BMs, and B-parties are something you sacrifice when you elope. Saying that eloping isn't a "real" wedding is wrong. If getting the blessing of the church is so important or if they can't afford a bigger event, I don't get why people don't just wait. 
    Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with this.</div>
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    This whole thing is wrong. She shouldn't be having any pre-wedding parties because she already married. She eloped last year, that was her wedding.

                       
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  • Mae0606Mae0606
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Food poisoning anyone?
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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    I'd just back all the way out, attend as a guest, and laugh my ass off when it all falls apart on her.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2011
    This is one hot, crazy mess.  She is already married so no bridal shower and no bach party.  I would not contribute anything to either because you were not included in the planning process anyway.  I would not attend the parties either...they are just absolutely ridiculous and the bride sounds like she is trying to have the best of both worlds...she didn't get her pretty princess day so she is trying to re-do it which is a huge no-no.

    Do the other guests know she is already married or is a big secret?  If is a secret I would sugget listening to the PP and just attend as a guest and watch the graziness unfold.

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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_would-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7ad4aea8-c5d0-4279-ade1-a5f91d5e3804Post:1d54f57f-7ea2-4069-b789-0a634f12198d">Re: what would you do</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would have nothing to do with this so called "wedding", which is NOT a wedding.  You can decline all invitations.  I would.  You do not owe this girl a gift.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    This.

    image

     

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  • hlmauneyhlmauney
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If she's a good friend and these events are a surprise to her (which it sounds like from the original post) I would atend as a guest and purchase a small gift. If you're truly not able to purchase anything, then perhaps you could take some photos of you both and make her an album or some other momento of your friendship. As far as being a BM and all of the expenses that go with it, I would politely decline. Perhaps you could arrange to have dinner together, just the two of you or both couples, to celebrate both of your marriages. Good luck with everything! And congrats on your engagement!
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  • CowgirlK39CowgirlK39 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011

    Let me get this straight....

    This woman has been married for a YEAR, and now she suddenly has "bridesmaids" who think they have to throw PRE-MARITAL parties for her? Thats like having a baby shower for someone with a 3 year old. Why do these girls think they owe her these parties that dont even apply to her? Where did they get these ideas from??? I know people who eloped and then had a reception a WEEK later but not a YEAR. She can def have an anniversary party, but not a complete WEDDING.

    You owe her nothing. She does NOT get a shower, a bachelorette party (because, she isnt a bachelorette!), or anything. If she is a good friend, I would get her a small ANNIVERSARY gift, and make it clear that that is what it is, since because, as everyone said... SHE IS ALREADY MARRIED!

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  • reagane02reagane02 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    None of this is your friend's fault, many people decide to have a wedding/vow renewel after they have eloped. The blame is really on her MOH for not being organized or considerate of other people's lives, despite from what you mentioned, several bridesmaids reaching out to her. I would also feel overwhelmed in this situation. Best thing you can really do is politely back out of the bachelorette party (especially since your friend is already married -- this was given up when she eloped) and the bridal shower and just be a guest at the ceremony. If at that point you are are able to get something small you can, but a real friend -- the one you're really going to the wedding for -- would understand that you're in the process of planning your own wedding and may not be able to buy a gift.
    October '12
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  • DylansBride77DylansBride77 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Having a bachlorette party post marriage is completely assinign.  Call is a girls night out or something like that but she isn't a bachlorette any more - sorry to break it to her and her idiot MOH - but she is a wife now.....

    I think you should skip the shower and the bach party and attend the wedding.  If they cant understand how crazy things get on the weekends leading up to a wedding, than seriously that is their problem. 
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