I don't know what to do.

court970 · February 2010

Let me start by saying that my fiance was married before and is divorced and also that I am going to be paying for the wedding entirely by myself. I knew from the beginning that he wasn't going to be super excited about the idea of planning a wedding and such so I figured that I would do the majority of the planning myself, with help of bridesmaids and such, and just ask for his opinion when I have my choices narrowed down to two or three favorites. The wedding is set for October this year and I am quickly realizing that it is going to be a task to even find a place to have the wedding that's available on the day I want. I set up tours of four places in my area with the hopes that I'd be able to narrow it down to the perfect place. I'm not asking my fiance to go with me because I know that he hates to do things like that and he'll just agree to anything to get out of going to see two more options. But last night I asked him if there was one of his neices that he'd like to be the flower girl and he flipped and told me that I'm going crazy over wedding planning. I guess having a flower girl is too over the top! I'm so frustrated. I feel like our wedding isn't important to him because he's already had one before, so somehow that means that I'm not allowed to be excited about my wedding day?!? He keeps saying that he wantes a small wedding and everything and I do too but just his family (parents, siblings, and neices/nephews) is more than 30 people. That doesn't include grandparents and cousins and such. So that rules out a small wedding for 50 guests. But he won't even consider talking about a guest list or anything. I hate to sounds selfish, but doesn't the fact that I'm paying for it by myself mean that I get to chose everything about it? Obviously I want to have something that he's going to be comfortable with but if he won't even talk about it, then what choices do I have?

Arther007 · February 2010

I am so sorry. You should get to be excited for your wedding! And your FI should be excited with you. Have you talked to him about what he wants and why he is so upset? Does he feel he already had a wedding and that you onlly get one?

banana468 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:782c68cf-ce8b-4526-86bf-bd8a62f521c6Post:3f604717-ae4d-4f99-aa7a-8bd987235e93">I don't know what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]But he won't even consider talking about a guest list or anything. I hate to sounds selfish, but doesn't the fact that I'm paying for it by myself mean that I get to chose everything about it? Obviously I want to have something that he's going to be comfortable with but if he won't even talk about it, then what choices do I have?
Posted by court970[/QUOTE]

1) That you're paying doesn't mean that it's what you want. If you were a SAHW, would you expect your husband to be able to get away with telling you how things were going be?

2) This seems more like a communication issue with your FI. I'd put planning on hold for now. Wait a few weeks and then ask him what he'd really prefer out of a wedding. If he shuts down every time you bring up the wedding in conversation though, that's a huge red flag to me.

redheadfsu · February 2010

It sounds like you are assuming a lot and you two need to work on communication.

It is his wedding too. Just b/c you are paying does not mean you get to decide everything. Maybe small means he only wants his parents there. Who knows. Ask him. Something like, "I understand that you want a small wedding. So I can understand what small is for you, who is a must invite on your side or what number of guests are the max. I only ask because small can mean 2 guests or 100." Personally I think anything over 20 people is a normal size wedding. (I'm a small wedding person.) It sounds like you two need to work on communication.

When you two are calm & not busy ask him what his 3 most important wedding things are. (like good food, only X # of guests, great band, casual wedding feel). Then you tell him what your top three are.

It doens't sound like you are even close to actual booking. You two need to be on the same page for the feel of the wedding before you do anything concrete. Also ask him how involved he wants to be. Also calmly explain to him how you feel. See what he says. He may have no idea that you feel like he doesn't want you to be excited about the wedding.

Sloane99 · February 2010

The fact that he said you were going crazy over wedding party leads me to believe that it might be something you really are talking/obsessing about too much. Is it possible to just let some things go for now? FI and I talk a fair bit, but it's kind of all at once, I save up the questions for him and then we hammer out a few things and then we focus on other things in life. If it was all I talked about or thought about I think he would (rightfully) be sick of it too.

For the record, this is my second wedding and we are paying but I don't think that means either of us gets an all or nothing say on anything. There are some things that are important to him that we'll do, some that are important to me that I've just booked and he doesn't care about and the rest is just something we'll forgo or just do the bare minimum on but you guys have to know what these are, so talk to him about that. I agree this sounds like far more of a communication issue than anything.

Are you also 100% sure that he wants to be married? I agree with PP that there could be a red flag here, but I'm also guessing you may need to calm down about wedding plans too

SarahPLiz · February 2010

YOu need to talk to your FI and get on the same page about what the wedding means to BOTH of you and how you celebrate it. Even though you are paying, HE is getting married too, so he gets an opinion on everything. You need to learn to compromise with him, before you get married. If he is not on board with having that many people, and wants immediate family only, then that means no cousins. You should have enough respect for him to make sure he is comfortable with this wedding, too.

ALWAYS put more planning and care into your marriage than your wedding day. Perhaps your FI learned that lesson the hard way the first time and is not into all of the pomp and circumstance because he knows that doesn't matter in the long run. You need to be able to communicate your vision to him without starting a fight. If he is not on board, then there is a bigger problem than the wedding.

fiddle14 · February 2010

Decades ago there was an idea out there that second weddings needed to be very subdued. These days, it just doesn't matter! I don't know if your FI has one of these old-fashioned ideas floating around in his head, but you definitely need to talk to him about what his vision of your wedding day is - A small wedding in Vegas? Going to the courthouse without any pomp and circumstance? Only with immediate family and no attendants?

Just to give you a different perspective, I'm in my third marriage (has been the best and longest of the three! This one's a keeper...) Anyway, I was the "third time" bride but I really didn't have any preconceived notions about what sort of ceremony to have. I left it up to DH - "You've never been married before, so what sort of vision do you have of this day? I'm totally flexible." In the end we decided on a less conventional but FUN wedding, surrounded by as many friends and family members as we could get (which totaled about 80). We had the BEST time!

Definitely have a talk with your FI before you do any more planning. Get a broad vision of what he thinks of for that day. Compare it to your own, then come up with the things that are common to both.

MeaghanandMichael · February 2010

Yeah, it sounds like other issues are going on here and you need to get to the bottom of them fast.

Lenore2010 · February 2010

My fiance gets excited talking about our wedding (at least parts of it!) and this is actually his 3rd time. He was married briefly in his 20's and then for 13 years to his second wife.

Were it not for the costs, we would probably have a large wedding. He has been all about making it special for me (so much so that I have had to remind him this is his day, too!).

I think you two have some serious things to discuss. I agree with PP, cool off a few weeks and then talk before you plan one more thing.

anne.azano · February 2010

I obviously know nothing about your family's financial situation and whether or not this is feasible, but would you consider a destination wedding? That way it would be guaranteed to be small, because not everyone would be able to make it, but really special because you're in some amazingly beautiful place. And hopefully because it would be so different from his first wedding, it wouldn't bring up any bad memories for your FI.

Either way, I guess you'll both have to compromise. He needs to understand that you're going to be excited about getting married and not get angry with you about that, but you need to respect his desire for a more low-key event. This reminds me of the Sex and the City movie, with Carrie wanting the big wedding, and Big not wanting it at all. It pisses me off, because he ALWAYS gets his way in the end, and she compromises. You deserve a proper wedding, but you may also have to compromise on certain issues to make it his wedding too.

I know what you mean about having to cool it with the wedding talk with your FIs. Boys don't want to hear about all those details all the time, but I go through stages when I could probably talk about it all day!

momofayden · February 2010

that really is frustrating! I sorry.

I hate to ask you this but are you sure he even wants to get married? He's not paying for anything for the wedding, nor will he even discuss any details with you? That would send up huge red flags for me.

desi2002 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:782c68cf-ce8b-4526-86bf-bd8a62f521c6Post:5a3e6983-3f04-4bb7-afd5-e684368bb1c8">Re: I don't know what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]that really is frustrating! I sorry. I hate to ask you this but are you sure he even wants to get married? He's not paying for anything for the wedding, nor will he even discuss any details with you? That would send up huge red flags for me.
Posted by momofayden[/QUOTE]

This. As soon as I read the first sentence I had red flags up. Have you guys been to counseling yet? Its a great investment and it might save you unnecessary stress. Regardless of what his pockets look like, he should be contributing to this wedding somehow. Maybe he can make the calls you need, or help with the guest list, or something. It's almost like you are getting married to yourself.

DanielleD7782 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:782c68cf-ce8b-4526-86bf-bd8a62f521c6Post:af915ab4-a72b-4b7c-b115-01d5c0037d6f">Re: I don't know what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't know what to do. : This. As soon as I read the first sentence I had red flags up. Have you guys been to counseling yet? Its a great investment and it might save you unnecessary stress.
Posted by desi2002[/QUOTE]

Totally agree. Are you planning a church wedding? Talking to a priest/minister might help enlighten things some more for you.

My FI was married previously. All that my FI has said was this wedding means so much more to me than the first one. He was young and acted spontaneously. He suppressed any questions or nervousness I had about his first wedding.

Your FI seems very uninvolved in everything you are trying to do...is he going to be uninvolved in every major decision in your lives together? What if you want to have children in the future? Is he going to be "busy" for ultrasounds because you scheduled too many? I agree with what everyone else has said about red flags...back off the planning and figure him out. He may not be the winner you want him to be.

court970 · February 2010

Okay first let me say, thanks for the input everyone. Let me make something clear, though. When he told me I was being crazy and obsessive, this is the amount I had talked to him about the wedding plans "I'm going to go check out the Hilton on Sunday. Do you want to come, or should I have my friend go with me?" and "Is there a neice that you would like to be a flower girl?"
Secondly, no, I don't want to get married on 10/10/10. I want to get married on my dad's birthday 10/23. My dad passed away a year ago and since he's not going to be able to be there, I want honor him in some way, and I thought getting married on his birthday would be a way to include him.
Third. The reason I'm paying for the wedding is because I inherited money from my dad and my fiance doesn't have savings. He works, but he's had a rough time since the economy went under and doesn't make very much. Which doesn't bother me, and I don't want you all to get the impression that I'm a spoiled trust fund brat, because nothing could be farther from the truth. The money I inherited went to paying off our debts and fixing up our house mostly. I still have some left in savings and I would really like to get married now, while we can still afford it.

We've talked since I posted originally and he told me, his concern is that I'm wanting to spend a ton of money. When I told him that my guest count of everyone I want to invite is 76 people, he thought that was way too many, even considering that 30 of that is his family. But I've figured out that can hire a day care service for the kids and that puts our number at 50, which is about where we both want it. Now that we've talked a little more about it, he seems to have calmed down and it seems like he's more interested in the planning. When I told him my plan all along was to scope out venues and such and then bring him my top two choices, he seemed to like that idea. I've been involved with a lot of weddings and I know how much men don't like to plan them, so that's why I figured I'd do most of the planning by myself, I just didn't expect to be called a bridezilla. There's a huge gap between being excited about a wedding and trying to plan it, to being obsessive and crazy about it.

court970 · February 2010

"I obviously know nothing about your family's financial situation and whether or not this is feasible, but would you consider a destination wedding"

I've always dreamed of a destination wedding, but all of his brothers and sisters have small children, and that seems like a lot to ask.Either they would have to pay for a sitter for the weekend, or bring their kids and try to figure out what to do with them during the wedding. It just doesn't seem very nice to those people with kids.

anne.azano · February 2010

Too bad about the destination wedding, but it's good you're taking his family into account. Yeah, numbers really add up. We're having 100 and when you include family members, that doesn't leave too many friends. I'm sure you can have an inexpensive beautiful wedding where you don't have to go overboard on spending your money from your inheritance (check out the budget board). Anyway, I'm glad he's coming around. It's not fair of him to expect you to shut up about what should be one of the most memorable days of your life together. Good luck planning and have fun with it, I think it's a blast!

felicia220 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:782c68cf-ce8b-4526-86bf-bd8a62f521c6Post:5a3e6983-3f04-4bb7-afd5-e684368bb1c8">Re: I don't know what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]that really is frustrating! I sorry. I hate to ask you this but are you sure he even wants to get married? He's not paying for anything for the wedding, nor will he even discuss any details with you? That would send up huge red flags for me.
Posted by momofayden[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly! I don't really understand the whole "you are paying for everything" If you guys are getting married aren't you combining your finances? We stopped doing mine money and his money years ago and we only got engaged May 09. So I don't really understand that part. Also, I agree, it sounds more like he doesn't want to get married then have a wedding. You guys need to talk not about the wedding but your future. Granted I am only going by your post, which is obviously not your whole history together. </div>

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