newly engaged, and freaking out.

xtina1211 · January 2010

my fiance and i just got engaged about a month ago. for the first, oh, two-three weeks i was all excited and into it, on the knot and every other wedding related website i could find, talking and thinking about all things wedding 24/7, probably driving my fiance and friends and family completely insane.

we set a date (06.08.2011) and decided to start making appointments to go see reception venues, so we asked both our mother's to make a tentative guest list so we could have an idea of the headcount. my family is tiny, literally less than ten people. his family is massive. our "goal" was to keep the guest list at 125 - it went to approx. 140 of which fifty our on "my side" and that was with he and i leaving out anyone from work and some "friends" that we didn't stay in close contact with - people we really would like to invite. the guest list is comprised only of family memebers and close friends (and two friends parents) of me and my fiance...oh, and thirteen people my mother works with (none of his mom's, dad's, etc. friends). obviously - who are we going to have to cut, if need be?

well, i told my mother very, very delicatly she was not going to be able to invite thirteen people she works with - she FREAKED OUT, badly. no, before anyone asks no, she isn't paying for the wedding. she is going to give us a portion towards the wedding, for which i am very thankful, but my fiance and i are paying for the vast majority of it at this point. anyway, like i said she lost it on me, we got in to a MASSIVE fight. i felt like i was talking to a wall - i told her if she could come up with a way to invite all of the family members and mine and mike's friends, and her coworkers, while not having more than 125 people, i was all ears. of course she couldn't because it's impossible, which was my point. and i'm obviously not going to cut a family member, or one of our friends. then she kept throwing in the point that of the list of 140 people, only 50 were on the brides side. Ok, that is true but again we have a teeny, tiny family...it's not going to be an "even" guest list unless we rent people or hand out invites on a street corner.

so...ever since this massive fight i just do not care, at all, about any of this. it like turned me right off to wanting to look, plan, research, talk about anything to due with the wedding. like i feel like it ruined it for me.

i don't know what to do...

bowlerchick1705 · January 2010

well maybe ask your mom to give a lil more towards the wedding i mean there people she knows and not people that ur not really close too so you shouldnt be obligated to have to invite them it is your day..... it who u want to invite not ur parents i mean if u know ur mom coworkers and they know you well then yeah i could understand your mom having her say about that but if there people you dont know then put ur foot down these are the extras you dont need and just because the groom has more people coming in.. they are all close relatives and friends so you really cant kick them to the curb... so like i said see if she will pitch in some more money i mean and being your mom i would think she would understand you have a set limit......and the wedding isnt for her its for you and ur fiance....and dont let it turn you off from the wedding i know how it feels and you will pick urself up and get excited again i have many ups and down days trying to plan mine but the realization is nothing is ever perfect but at the end of the day ur going to have a husband and have a good time.... wedding are always great even if they are dirt cheap and less glamourus then most i know i was layed off from my job and it just isnt making things easy. another suggestion is if you guys haven't put any deposits down maybe decide to hold off and change the date i know this one couple they have been engaged i think since 2002 and they are getting married this june and its like going to be a big wedding i guess but things were easier because they took all that time to save there money ...............

laurenclaire1386 · January 2010

Rent people, heh. That made me giggle

You're more than a year out from your wedding. Lots will change. I know you have an idea of what you'd like right now, but I swear you will change your mind a million times. Caise in point, FI and I thought we wanted a pretty traditional Southern wedding at a plantation, blah blah blah, the whole nine. We decided yesterday that maybe a destination wedding would be a better route. Take a deep breath then give yourself (and your mom) some time to cool off. You have a while yet to finalize the guest list. If you're turned off of wedding planning, then don't do any right now. No reason to rush.

mwhitson14 · January 2010

There is no reason to stress about this. You have over a year and a half. Yeah, you have a "goal" of 140, but how do you even have a goal in mind? You have not even picked out a venue yet, so they might be able to accommodate waaay more. Or things might be cheaper per person than you're expecting. There is really no reason to start cutting people off a very tentative guest list until you a) know exactly how many you can afford and b) have a venue in place.

redheadfsu · January 2010

I definitely say breathe. You have lots of time & still need to pick a venue. Remember in that time people can start dating, have kids, you find a new best friend, etc. so your guest list can be more or less. (or your mom moves jobs & never talks to these people again.)

You can explain to your mom that your budget will not work for more than 125 people. (I'm assuming that's why you are worried about that number. If not, I'm confused why you are so focused on that particular number.) See if she offers (don't ask) more $, but that of course brings more strings.

Weddings are very stressful for everyone, so if it is not something you need to deal with right now don't stress about it. Right now just get a rough count & look at venues. You never know in 6 months your vision about the wedding might change completely. Deal with this fight later when you can give your mom more concrete reasons and you crunch the numbers more.

xtina1211 · January 2010

thanks for the advice and yes, the reason for the goal of 125 guests is monetary (it actually has nothing to do with the venue size). as i said, my fiance and i are paying for most of it and i've done a lot of research as to what we can expect to pay "per head" in our area, so that is where the number comes from. not that we have a "budget" per say because well, we can't afford it at all, period, no matter how cheap it is! haha.

we actually went to look at a venu today (we'd made the appointment a couple weeks ago) and that got me feeling "in the mood" again. it's like our #1 pick because we've both attended events there and been really impressed. it's also, of course, pricey so...who knows but, it got me feeling a lot more "into it" again.

ugh, i didn't think the ups and downs would start ALREADY!

RaiKai · January 2010

I admit, I have a difficult time with the concept of inviting people that you don't even know, or are not even close to. I mean really, what is the point in inviting your mother coworkers?

Even if your mother was paying, I would in your shoes turn down the money and invite only those we wanted. For DH and I personally, we only wanted those at our ceremony with who we had been close to in our lives, and who we wanted to support us. This was not about our parents showing off, or us even showing off. That meant a lot of family members, and even people who were "sort of friends" were not invited.

It is really important that you and your FI are firm with others about what you both want, if you allow your mother to dictate now how your wedding will be, it won't stop with the guest list.

clairissad · January 2010

Have you tried the A B C approach? You sit down with your mom and give her a number of invitations she can have (so like 15 people, not counting the 10 family members). She can arrange those 15 with five A, five B, and five C. The As are automatically invited. Once you get all the counts from his side, any remaining seats from B can be invited. If you get any regrets in RSVPs, the next B or Cs can be invited.

GoodMouseBadMouse · January 2010

Dear Xtina,

Phooey, what a rough situation. People have been talking about this a lot on the blogs lately--I, too, had hoped for a smaller wedding and got roped into a big one. Maybe you'd like to join our conversation about it?

xo
Mouse

dsouldiva · January 2010

I would leave this arguement for a while, since your wedding is quite far away but I would stand firm on not having to invite a load of people you don't know just so your mum can make up numbers on her side. It seems like she is missing the point of you not wanting more than 125 people.

Families aren't always equal so it doesn't always work that the bride and grooms sides are equal. Personally I would go back and say that she can invite the family members on her list but that you and your Fi won't be inviting strangers to your wedding, if your mum wants to socialize with these people she should throw a party of her own.

Vintagelove4 · November 2012

Talk to your mom. Maybe there's a happy compromise? Like one or two of her closest co-workers?

newly engaged, and freaking out.

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