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Chit Chat
Barbiiieee
member
Concern about how my sister raises her children
in Chit Chat
So, generally I think airing your family secrets via the internet is in poor taste, but honestly you guys seem to be pretty knowledgeable about some situations, so I'm asking for a little advice on a family situation with my sister and niece and nephew. I'm going to try and explain this thoroughly, but also not make it a book, so please ask me if I need to clarify. Also, if I am just sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong with my sister, I can handle someone calling me out on that.
So my sister has two kids, ages 4 and 5 who have two different dads. She is in a relationship still with her youngest's father. Daddy no. 1 is not in the picture IMO mostly because she pushed him away, and has moved several times without giving him her contact info. Obviously, that guy is not super interested in being involved, because the first few times she fell off the radar he would contact me, or my parents or my other siblings to see what was up, but that has stopped now, and nobody has any contact with him. My sister didn't finish high school, and hasn't had a steady job at any period in her life. She has mostly bounced around in relationships with guys who supported her somewhat. So anyway, she is still in a relationship with daddy no. 2 and she doesn't work, and he has a hard time keeping steady employment, so they have a very hard time maintaining a place to live.
They have moved 10 times in two years and have been evicted 8 of those times. His parents will only let him and the youngest kid stay there, because he and my sister aren't married, and the oldest child isn't technically his. I think that is stupid, but whatever. My mother lives in an apartment, and my sister's boyfriend isn't allowed on the property because they ended up being evicted from an apartment there and sister's boyfriend punched the manager of the apartment complex (who is a lady in her 60's) resulting in him having a restraining order against him. My father and step mother have let them stay with them from time to time, but he has also threatened my father several times, so my dad is obviously not to keen on him staying there, but always welcomes my sister and the kids at times they are between places to live. Last time they were in a situation my sister and the kids did stay there, and my dad told her she needed to find a job, and let her use one of their cars and gave her a cell phone and whatnot. It turned out my sister would say she was job hunting, but she would end up going to meet up with the bf, who at the time was staying with his parents.
Anyway, as of lately, her boyfriend found a job doing general security/maintenance at an extended stay motel type of place, and a room there was included as part of his income. And when I say room, I mean a typical hotel room. One room, two double beds, a bathroom and a microwave/mini fridge. They had been there since November.
Well, on Friday, I took the kids out because Saturday was my nephew's birthday. So I picked them up in the morning and dropped them off at about 6 that night. Nothing really seemed off when my FI and I dropped the kids off, but they did kind of rush us out. We had plans to get together today to have cupcakes, but when I showed up this morning, the manager of the motel told me the bf had been fired Friday night and they moved out that night. I left and called my dad, who said my sister had called Friday night to borrow money, which he said he would give them, but he hadn't heard from them since. They didn't have any phones except for a company cell phone, and the one in the motel room. I think it is odd they never followed up with my dad about the money.
Anyway, I am literally worried sick right now, but also super mad that my sister keeps doing this to her children. Can I do anything legally to stop this from happening all the time? I feel like my family has exhausted trying to help them, and at this point I just want my niece and nephew out of this situation. Can I contact CPS? Do they do anything if it isn't an abuse case? Can I somehow file for custody or to be a foster parent of them, even though there is no way my sister would agree to it? To me, I feel like their unstable lifestyle is completely unsuitable for the kids, but is it legally unsuitable? Do any of you have any advice on what I can or should do about any of this?
I just love those kids so much and it breaks my heart to see them have to go through so much when they are so young. So even if I sound judgy it is just out of concern for them.
So my sister has two kids, ages 4 and 5 who have two different dads. She is in a relationship still with her youngest's father. Daddy no. 1 is not in the picture IMO mostly because she pushed him away, and has moved several times without giving him her contact info. Obviously, that guy is not super interested in being involved, because the first few times she fell off the radar he would contact me, or my parents or my other siblings to see what was up, but that has stopped now, and nobody has any contact with him. My sister didn't finish high school, and hasn't had a steady job at any period in her life. She has mostly bounced around in relationships with guys who supported her somewhat. So anyway, she is still in a relationship with daddy no. 2 and she doesn't work, and he has a hard time keeping steady employment, so they have a very hard time maintaining a place to live.
They have moved 10 times in two years and have been evicted 8 of those times. His parents will only let him and the youngest kid stay there, because he and my sister aren't married, and the oldest child isn't technically his. I think that is stupid, but whatever. My mother lives in an apartment, and my sister's boyfriend isn't allowed on the property because they ended up being evicted from an apartment there and sister's boyfriend punched the manager of the apartment complex (who is a lady in her 60's) resulting in him having a restraining order against him. My father and step mother have let them stay with them from time to time, but he has also threatened my father several times, so my dad is obviously not to keen on him staying there, but always welcomes my sister and the kids at times they are between places to live. Last time they were in a situation my sister and the kids did stay there, and my dad told her she needed to find a job, and let her use one of their cars and gave her a cell phone and whatnot. It turned out my sister would say she was job hunting, but she would end up going to meet up with the bf, who at the time was staying with his parents.
Anyway, as of lately, her boyfriend found a job doing general security/maintenance at an extended stay motel type of place, and a room there was included as part of his income. And when I say room, I mean a typical hotel room. One room, two double beds, a bathroom and a microwave/mini fridge. They had been there since November.
Well, on Friday, I took the kids out because Saturday was my nephew's birthday. So I picked them up in the morning and dropped them off at about 6 that night. Nothing really seemed off when my FI and I dropped the kids off, but they did kind of rush us out. We had plans to get together today to have cupcakes, but when I showed up this morning, the manager of the motel told me the bf had been fired Friday night and they moved out that night. I left and called my dad, who said my sister had called Friday night to borrow money, which he said he would give them, but he hadn't heard from them since. They didn't have any phones except for a company cell phone, and the one in the motel room. I think it is odd they never followed up with my dad about the money.
Anyway, I am literally worried sick right now, but also super mad that my sister keeps doing this to her children. Can I do anything legally to stop this from happening all the time? I feel like my family has exhausted trying to help them, and at this point I just want my niece and nephew out of this situation. Can I contact CPS? Do they do anything if it isn't an abuse case? Can I somehow file for custody or to be a foster parent of them, even though there is no way my sister would agree to it? To me, I feel like their unstable lifestyle is completely unsuitable for the kids, but is it legally unsuitable? Do any of you have any advice on what I can or should do about any of this?
I just love those kids so much and it breaks my heart to see them have to go through so much when they are so young. So even if I sound judgy it is just out of concern for them.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Concern about how my sister raises her children
[QUOTE]I wish I could help you with the CPS questions but really after reading all of this all I can say is your sister needs to get away from her bf. That is in no way a situation any child should be in. If he has no problem threatening his child's grandfather and punching an older woman she needs to let him go. Unfortunately it's going to be hard to make your sister realize what kind of situation she is in. Honestly the best you can do is offer her kids a place to stay until she and her bf get back on their feet.
Posted by Jessalyn2013[/QUOTE]
I second this ^^^
Also if she has punched a 60 year old woman he could do the same thing to your sister. Talk to your sister and see how she feels about her relationship and make sure she isn't being harmed so that she is forced to stay in the relationship
any way she will leave this guy. Posted
by Barbiiieee[/QUOTE]
This is why I suggest a family courts lawyer. Your sister is a grown women. You can't force her to do anything. The kids on the other hand can be helped. A lawyer can help your family figure out what steps to take to get the children in a better situation.
My brother and SIL live in Phoenix. They had temp custody of her nephews (brother's kids). Their reason was because the mom's BF was beating her up (not the kids). SIL's brother (J) lived next door to the kid's mom and BF and shared a common wall. CPS contends that J should have heard the abuse and taken his kids out of the situation. It took 6 months but J got custody back.
Unfortunately, J is not the best dad and wanted my brother and SIL to take the kids on the weekends, because they were too much work. Now the kids live with their BSC-bipolar grandmother (SILs mom) in Croatia. They don't even know the language, but for some reason the mom signed off on them moving over there.
Basically my CPS assessment is they did take the kids welfare very seriously and it's worth the call
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Concern about how my sister raises her children: This is a totally different situation. There is physical abuse involved. I wouldn't use this case to predict the outcome of OP's in any shape or form.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Where did I say it was a prediction? I started out staying that it's worth the call because the worst they could do is tell them there is nothing that can be done, but at least there is a record. of a complaint
My story with Phoenix CPS was just saying that SIL's brother lost custody because CPS thought he must have known the mother was being beaten by her BF simply because he shared a common wall with them. They didn't accuse J of beating anyone, just that he should have known his ex was being beaten. It was later proven he didn't know about the abuse.
I would ike to think they would also take couple who has moved "x" times in one year, BF's history with hitting old women, no jobs, etc. as something to investigate also. Maybe they won't, but unless you ask you will never know.
[QUOTE]In Response to <strong>Re:Concern about how my sister raises her children : Where did I say it was a prediction? I started out staying that it's worth the call because the worst they could do is tell them there is nothing that can be done, but at least there is a record. of a complaint </strong> My story with Phoenix CPS was just saying that SIL's brother lost custody because CPS thought he must have known the mother was being beaten by her BF simply because he shared a common wall with them. They didn't accuse J of beating anyone, just that he should have known his ex was being beaten. It was later proven he didn't know about the abuse. I would ike to think they would also take couple who has moved "x" times in one year, BF's history with hitting old women, no jobs, etc. as something to investigate also. Maybe they won't, but unless you ask you will never know.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>I agree. And also if they're investigated and it's decided that the kids are fine, at least they were checked out and it can ease OP's mind. If this were me, I'd feel a lot better with a professional deciding that the kids are okay.</div>
[QUOTE]At least in IL, these types of complains can be made anonymously so OP's sister never has to know it was her.
Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]
I was wondering about that.
Stage makes a good point. I'm sure many people don't make the complaints because of that fear. It's sad that we need people like doctors or schools to say something so extended family will not end up alienating their own relationship.
My story with Phoenix CPS was justnbsp;saying that SIL's brother lost custody because CPS thought he must have known the mother was being beaten by her BF simply because he shared a common wall with them.nbsp;They didn't accusenbsp; Jnbsp;of beating anyone, just that he should have known his ex was being beaten.nbsp; It was laternbsp;proven he didn't know about thenbsp;abuse. I would ike tonbsp;think they would also take couple who has movednbsp;"x" times in one year,nbsp; BF's history with hitting old women, no jobs, etc. as something to investigate also.nbsp; Maybe they won't, but unless you ask you will never know.nbsp; Posted by lyndausvi
You didn't use it as a prediction, I just meant OP should not either.
And actually the worst thing that can happen is that they investigate, end up doing nothing, and OP is cut out of her sister's, and the kids', life forever. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
I think that is a valid point, stage, and also something that has been weighing on me heavily today. She has had trouble with CPS before, and it blew over, but she didn't let out other sister come to her house for a few weeks.
Before when CPS was called, nobody knows for sure who called, but it could have been a doctor or one of our parents or other siblings. My sister is a notoriously bad housekeeper, for one, but she I guess, was really bad about changing the kids diapers as often as they should be when they were babies. My niece was actually taken to the ER by my dad more than once for extreme diaper rashes and once for a UTI. I know once my other sister and I went to their house and it was a mess, as usual, but there was also a lot of what we think was human fecal matter on the floors and walls of my nieces room. It could have been animal, because they had several dogs, several cats and also a couple reptiles. My sister said my niece had gotten into her diaper the night before and was playing in it and hadn't cleaned it up yet. I personally cleaned it up that day, and it did seem like it had been there longer than a few hours, but I took her word for it. Anyway, CPS came a few days later and they refused a home investigation that day, and of course they cleaned before they came back again. CPS came one other time a few months later, because my nephew who was about 18 months old at the time had a second degree sunburn on his face. I forget the outcome of that visit. I think they deemed it wasn't abuse and recommended parenting classes or something.
Since her and her bf moved into the hotel they obviously can not have pets, and their room included a housekeeper, so although it was usually cluttered or messy, I never felt the mess was filthy or unsafe like it was before. I don't so much care about sparing my sister's feelings, but i do hesitate because I don't want to be cut off from the kids.
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So, my mom heard from my sister. Her and the BF took the kids to stay with some guy who had been a resident at the extended stay motel he had been working at. She contacted my mom via this guy's cell phone.
The situation gets really weird here. So anyway, my mom asks for the address and my sister gives it to her, and mom texts it to me. My FI and I are visiting over at his friend's house. I'm curious if the place is in a good neighborhood, so I look it up on Google maps. The house is freakin' huge with a pool and everything. So, anyway, the story my sister told my mom that this guy was buying this house, but closing later this week. I was like, how can you move into a house you haven't even closed on yet? So I tried to look it up on a real estate site. That house hasn't been sold or listed since 2007 where it sold for $600,000. Insane. So I go pick up my mom and we decide to do a drive by. It doesn't look like anybody is there, no lights on, no for sale sign, nothing like that. So my mom calls the number that supposedly belongs to this guy and gets my sister on the phone. This whole time we are parked two houses down. She says we were in the area shopping, and convinces my sister to let us come over. She tells us not to park in the driveway. So we wait a few minutes and go over. I really just wanted to meet this guy they were staying with and feel out the situation. My sister lets us in, and the whole situation is very strange. I ask my sister where this guy is and she said he left right before we got there. Mind you we were staking the place out, so I know there wasn't a car leaving the garage or driveway.
My mom starts in on lecturing sister and boyfriend, and my niece is very excited to show me their "new house." Nephew is asleep. They literally have almost no lights on. Anyway like I said, this house is freaking huge... so we get to a laundry room near the back of the house and my niece points out a doggie door and says its a little door. I said something like, "Yeah, that is a door for doggies to go in and out." and she tells me she crawled through and unlocked to door to let everyone in. I didn't want to say anything to my sister and her BF about it, but I said something to my mom and she said it sounded like they might be squatting. The whole situation was just very off and gave me a VERY bad feeling. So I dropped my mom off and I called the non emergency police and I am just waiting to hear back from them. I am so nervous about the outcome right now. I asked the cops if they were in fact squatting and they kicked them out to please notify me so I can pick them up and they said they would try. I am so nervous right now.
https://www.azdes.gov/child_protective_services/
WHAT IS CHILD ABUSE AND NEGLECT?
When a parent, guardian or custodian inflicts or allows the infliction of physical, sexual or emotional abuse, neglect,
exploitation or abandonment.
types of sexual activity is also sexual abuse.
children unsupervised or alone, locked in or out of the house, or without adequate clothing, food, or shelter. Allowing children to live in a very dirty house which could be a health hazard may also be considered neglect.
WHO MUST REPORT?
Any person who reasonably believes that a minor is or has been the victim of physical injury, abuse, child abuse, a reportable offense or neglect that appears to have been inflicted on the minor by other than accidental means or that is not explained by the available medical history as being accidental in nature, or who reasonably believes that there has been a denial or deprivation of necessary medical treatment or surgical care or nourishment with the intent to cause or allow the death of an infant who is protected under A.R.S. § 36-2281, shall immediately report or cause reports to be made of this information to a peace office or to Child Protective Services in the Department of Economic Security, except if the report concerns a person who does not have care, custody or control of the minor, the report shall be made to a peace office only.
The following persons are required by law to report:
A person making a report or providing information about a child is immune from civil or criminal liability unless such person has been
charged with, or is suspected of, the abuse or neglect in question.
A person acting with malice who either knowingly and intentionally makes a false report of child abuse and neglect or who coerces another person to make a false report is guilty of a crime. A person who knowingly and intentionally falsely accuses another of maliciously making a false report of child abuse and neglect is also guilty of a crime.
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Get all of your ammunition ready and do resarch, ask questions, pose inquiries to local authoroties, ask their school systems about their actions plans regarding these situations, talk to lawyers and read up on other cases if you have time.
Lots of love and good luck!
I understand what you're going through. I have been in a similar situation before with a neice and nephew. My sister has two kids from different fathers and gave up the oldest because she was pregnant with her daughter and living in hotel rooms, or in their car and since she didn't want to leave her bf, she let her son go live with his dad who was not very responsible, he had just remarried and wasn't up for raising their son. This was 8 years ago, one year later, they opened their own company and were pretty successful until two years ago, her bf went back to doing drugs and lost everything, they were living the same lifestyle as before (homeless) and while we all opened the doors to our house for her and my niece, he wasn't welcome because of his drug addiction and people he's affiliated with and because he's stole from all of us in the past. I also contemplated filing an anonymous CPS report since you can do it online here but I was so scared because in California, the children are not placed with family until the case is resolved or closed and there was no guarantee they would grant custody to my husband and I. I talked to her about letting her stay with me for a few days and she agreed since my niece was excited to spend time with my kids.
The issue resolved on it's own for us because he's currently in jail and she is now staying at my moms house. I told her to go to the DPSS to ask for cash aid / food stamps while she gets a job and back on her feet.
Anyway, sorry for writing a lifestory but I just thought yours related to mine somewhat.