rehearsal dinner dilemma

shanna1420 · March 2011

So right now I am having a dilemma with our rehearsal dinner.
My fiance's parents are paying for the dinner and are asking me to get a number of people for them (our wedding is in 6 months so I have no way of telling exactly how many people would be coming for sure, just an estimate)
Personally I only wanted the bridal party and immediate family to come to the dinner (parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters) putting the dinner at 45-50 people.
My fiance's mother wants all out of town family to be invited as well....which would be fine if his entire family wasn't from out of town. And when I say entire...I mean everyone. No one but immediate family lives close. It also wouldn't be a problem if his family was so big (55 people in all including his immediate family)
So, to be fair, I figure if his entire family is coming, mine should too. So, all in all it would be a total of 95-100 people.....at my rehearsal dinner. We are only inviting 150 people to the wedding.

Is this completely crazy of me to only want immediate family and the bridal party? Do you HAVE to invite out of town guests if there are going to be that many? I wanted an intimate dinner with the people involved in the wedding....not a pre-wedding party with 2/3 of the guests.

ney&joel · April 2011

YOU guys are the ones getting married!!! YOU both decide!!! Its true, they are paying, but again, its not their wedding!!

HYDROPHILE · April 2011

My parents are paying for our rehearsal dinner and are on a limited budget (we have been working with a GREAT chef at the location though!) We are inviting those persons at the rehearsal and immediate family (we have a small family as does my fiancé) so there will be appx. 30 people at it.

For out of town guests, we're doing something the day of the wedding (split, of course - aunts, female cousins, etc. with me, the bride and uncles, male cousins, etc. with my fiancé.) Some of our out of town guests aren't coming to rehearsal, and they are all arriving at different times based on flights, etc. Some aren't even arriving until the morning of the wedding (our wedding is on a Saturday evening) so we can't exactly invite EVERYONE to rehearsal dinner.

I think it'd be kind of rude to invite your entire guest list to a rehearsal dinner if your parents are paying for it, and they are on a limited budget, but that's JMHO.

KriisyNrob · April 2011

I am having the same problem. Except My future FIL invited his whole family because HE lives out of town and doesnt see them much. I felt it shouldnt be a time for a family reunion and have MY family swallowed by all of his. I sent my future MIL a very nice,direct message. I put simply that while etiquitte calls for all out of town..etc,this is about my futue husband and myself and would like to keep it smaller. That while I understand I cannot tell them who to invite if theyre paying It would make us feel like guest to a family function instead of the focus..wich we should be. She completely understood,or pretended to! & now our rehearsal invites are being left to us!! GOOD LUCK!!

LSquareGirl · April 2011

I think it is likely their call since they are paying for it.

One idea to make it more fun (and cost-effective) is do to a cocktail reception and not a sit down event. Standing appetizers and drinks for a set time period. That's what we're doing since we have 70 for the wedding and all family (45) at the "Family Reception" as ALL are out of town for us as well.

Good luck!

pryness13 · April 2011

Well......I think that if you are having 100 people at your rehearsal dinner and then only 150 at your wedding what is the point of even having the wedding the next day just invite the other 50 and be done with it. I always thought the rehearsal and dinner was for the wedding party. You know only the people "in" the wedding? Am I wrong or is that old fashion?????/

Franciscobetts · April 2011

I had this dilemma with my rehearsal dinner planning as well, my fiance's family is coming from overseas I have family coming from afar as well. My wedding is going to be in Banff, Alberta Canada, which is a very expensive resort town. All venues in Banff have a set price per person around $30 a plate for the rehearsal dinner - and that's on the low end, others were asking up to $75 a plate which is ridiculous to pay the night before the big event.

If you are having your wedding in local area where you live, it would be perfectly fine to invite out of town guest if you were to have a backyard BBQ, or an affordable and casual option. If it is your grooms family who will be paying and insist on people joining you for dinner, then that's different story. All the same, this is your wedding and you get to call the shots!

We have made the decision that only people involved with the actual rehearsal are invited to join the rehearsal dinner. However, we are having a time where we are all meeting for cocktails after the dinner with all of our out of town guests so they can feel included and we have more time to visit with them.

I hope this long winded response has helped you! Don't worry about offending anyone, limiting the rehearsal dinner to the bridal party and immediate family is far more traditional and I'm sure will be accepted.

tat003 · April 2011

Personally, I just never understood the necessity of a big RD. The people at the rehearsal are the guests to the dinner. (Which would be your close friends and immediate family.) It's that simple if you ask me. There is no dilemma. Simplify everything the best way you can to avoid as much stress as possible.

Example of how we simplified:
My family is very down-to-earth and like to cook. My fiance's and mine WANT to cook for us and since I'm having a big fancy reception with all the catering and china and whatnots, my fiance and I decided that our family will just have a big fish fry with some down home cooking and keep it simple. My grandfather is a chef and my uncle, and his grandma would probably raise hell is she didn't get to cook. Everything simplified.

Good luck with everything. I know it'll all work out for the best.

rehearsal dinner dilemma

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