I've had enough....(vent)

volleygurl0306 · May 2012

Background for new ladies: FI and I have been together for 2.5 yrs. We moved pretty fast but it worked so no big deal. Part of moving fast was he met my paternal grandparents within 3 weeks of us dating (it was Christmas and he has no family down here so my parents welcomed him to join us). It was an immediate problem because he is black and I am white. I tried talking to them about it, no solution. It cause so much division in the family FI and I even went to counseling with them. It resulting in them calling me an unappreciative, hateful slut who they would disown if I took his last name (Muhammad which is oh so taboo because it is of Muslim-origin...the horror! rolling my eyes) and calling him disrespectful, unwelcomed, and arrogant (behind his back to other family members they have called him racial slurs). My dad's sister opened her big mouth and supports her parents and has said equally horrible things. Because my mom has taken my side and made these people unwelcomed in my parents house, they've attacked her and my parents marriage. My dad still talks to his parents in that they are his parents and he's afraid of the guilt he'd bear if they died. But, he stands up for me every time they say something bad and doesn't see or talk to them very often because he supports me over them.

My older brother and I haven't had much of a relationship because we've just grown up into different people. This whole ordeal has been made worse because he still talks to my grandparents and my aunt regularly. My aunt even went to visit him and felt comfortable enough in their relationship to talk sh*t about me and my mom in his house (which he didn't stop). After my grandparents had issues with my relationship all of a sudden my brother wanted to offer big brother "advice" about how were FI and I are moving too fast and should we be living together when we aren't engaged (an issue my gparents also had a problem with).

Fast forward and my brother is getting married in July. He is inviting my grandparents and my aunt to the wedding. Because of this I don't even want to go. I feel 100% unsupported by my brother. All along he has claimed he doesn't want to take sides. But, I feel in not standing up for me and especially our mom, he has chosen a side. My parents know that I'm sick of him and think I need to talk to him. But I feel like it is b/s because this isn't a little slip up he didn't know he made. This is a constant not standing up for not only me but what is right. He is coming home for his bachelor party next weekend and I found out this morning that on top of inviting FI, he invited my grandfather to the baseball game my FI was going to go to to be nice (even tho he and my bro are obviously not close). Why would my FI put himself in a situation where he'd have to interact with my grandfather who has never said a nice thing about or to him? I'm so irritated that my brother once again thinks he's playing the middle ground but really just said I only want one of you to be there. I told FI unless he really wants to go (which he doesn't) I'd like him not to so I can tell my brother how his choices affect us. Every time either or both of my grandparents are welcomed, we are not. UGH!!!!

smartlypretty · May 2012

Wow, that's some complicated family dynamics and you're family is full of a lot of racist a-holes. It sounds like it is mostly your grandparents and aunt, with your Dad/brother taking their side and not supporting you which is sad. I don't really know if I have any advice for you except to try to ignore their racist, hateful comments. It must hurt though, that you can't even attend family functions without dealing with their crap. At least your mom is supporting you.

Hopefully eventually they will cut the crap out. My mom's sister married an Italian man. My grandparents did NOT approve of this marriage (they were northern european) and called him all kinds of nasty names. Eventually, my aunt and uncle had a grand daughter and my grandfather called him a dego behind his back and was talking about him. So my mother said, "Well, that's your half-dego grand child, why don't you call her that to her face?". He cut the crap out. Eventually, him and my uncle were able to foster an okay relationship.

TLDR: Racist people will never be un-racist. Have some grand kids- it might help.

lac1583 · May 2012

My honest thoughts? As much as it sucks and as much as it hurts, if I were in your position, I'd go. I'd have my fiance go if he were invited also. I'm not in any way saying that they're right, I'm just saying how can their minds possibly be changed without an effort on your part to change them. Prove them wrong! Show them how happy you are together. At your brother's wedding, you don't have to talk to them if you don't want, but don't let them win by making you not go because they'll be there. I'd be willing to bet that they feed off of you and/or your fiance not doing family things because of them.

Again, I'm still pretty new at being here regularly, so I'm not aware of the entire circumstances, but based on this post alone, this is my thoughts on it. Regardless, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this in the first place.

jjswin · May 2012

I would have to say I am in agreement with lac1583. Be the bigger person and stand up for what your believe in by going. You love your FI and you relationship works and thats all that should matter to your family. I get it that grandparents are in a different mind-set because of how things were when they grew up but that does not make it right to say nasty things and judge people based on race or color.

AngB1230 · May 2012

sorry your going through this part of me wants to say go ahead and go screw em! but the other part feels like you are not going to change their minds...only time will do that......live your life and be happy the people who dont want you guys together dont let them be in your life cause they will constantly drag you down and say mean things...i really hope it all works out

QueerFemme · May 2012

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I think the best thing you can do at this point, is go to your brother's wedding. Say hello politely to the racist a-hole family members, and then try to enjoy your brother's wedding in other ways. I KNOW it hurts that your brother and father aren't stopping them in their tracks when they start talking shittt !    But, some people just don't have that skill.   I am not one of those people, but pretty much everyone in my family is. So, I totally get it.

As far as other social activities where your fiance will be exposed to your racist grandparents, I say make those extremely limited. Your fiance can politely decline to attend the baseball game.

As far as your brother's wedding... and him inviting racist family.... Here's my opinion. It's not up to you to navigate those relationships. If your brother isn't ready to cut off his racist family, then that's just the way it is. it SUCKS.   Try to understand that he has his own reasons for wanting to continue those relationships... and you may not understand or agree with them, but you have to just take a deep breathe and move on with your own life. And make sure you do what makes YOU and your fiance comfortable. If you don't want to be around them, then you have to make the choice not to attend your brother's wedding or other event. But, it would be your choice, not your brothers.    And, trust me when I say, I know how hurtful it is.

I have very similar complicated family dynamics.   I haven't spoken to any of my sisters or my mother in 2+ years because of it. So, I get it. I was incredibly hurt when one of my sisters said some horrible things... and the rest of my family didn't back me up. And they continue on their happy go lucky way with each other. But, I finally acknowledged that I chose to exclude myself rather than be around people who were going to co-sign bad behavior. It was a huge loss to stop talking to everyone I am related to, but a loss I was willing to accept in my life.

I'm sorry you are going through this. there isn't anything about this situation that doesn't suck.

morenachica110 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_ive-had-enoughvent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:189e0bc2-ffdc-4b09-853b-86eb20b238b3Post:d46d4d72-921d-4c79-9e6e-a1949d90d62e">Re: I've had enough....(vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I think the best thing you can do at this point, is go to your brother's wedding. Say hello politely to the racist a-hole family members, and then try to enjoy your brother's wedding in other ways. I KNOW it hurts that your brother and father aren't stopping them in their tracks when they start talking shittt ! But, some people just don't have that skill. I am not one of those people, but pretty much everyone in my family is. So, I totally get it. As far as other social activities where your fiance will be exposed to your racist grandparents, I say make those extremely limited. Your fiance can politely decline to attend the baseball game. As far as your brother's wedding... and him inviting racist family.... Here's my opinion. It's not up to you to navigate those relationships. If your brother isn't ready to cut off his racist family, then that's just the way it is. it SUCKS. Try to understand that he has his own reasons for wanting to continue those relationships... and you may not understand or agree with them, but you have to just take a deep breathe and move on with your own life. And make sure you do what makes YOU and your fiance comfortable. If you don't want to be around them, then you have to make the choice not to attend your brother's wedding or other event. But, it would be your choice, not your brothers. And, trust me when I say, I know how hurtful it is. I have very similar complicated family dynamics. I haven't spoken to any of my sisters or my mother in 2+ years because of it. So, I get it. I was incredibly hurt when one of my sisters said some horrible things... and the rest of my family didn't back me up. And they continue on their happy go lucky way with each other. But, I finally acknowledged that I chose to exclude myself rather than be around people who were going to co-sign bad behavior. It was a huge loss to stop talking to everyone I am related to, but a loss I was willing to accept in my life. I'm sorry you are going through this. there isn't anything about this situation that doesn't suck.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with this. My brother is the same way. We haven't had to deal with racism in the family, but my mother has been called a slut byt my grandmother and I am, apparently, "the's slut's daughter". Yeah. So there was a lot of family drama going on for awhile. But my brother, bonehead that he is, did the same thing that your brother is doing now. I don't think my brother meant it to be so hurtful to us. He just wanted to family to be how it was before. Maybe that's what your brother is doing?</div><div>
</div><div>But I would say still go. His choices are his choices and they may hurt (I'm sure they do, but I haven't had to go through this). I'd enjoy the wedding, probably ignore the racist douchebags and just be happy with your FI. Show them how happy you are and how much you guys love each other.</div><div>
</div><div>If your FI doesn't want to go to the ball game I'd have him decline. There's no sense in putting him through more crap.</div><div>
</div><div>So, so sorry you guys are having to deal with this. =(

</div>

volleygurl0306 · May 2012

Thanks for your support ladies. I will definitely be attedning my brothers wedding because it would kill my parents if I didn't and if my brother and I ever reconcile I would probably regret missing it....I just don't WANT to go and deal with it haha. I've never put any of my family in the position of "you can talk to us or them but not both" because I'd hope everyone would come to those conclusions on their own. Sadly I've watched my grandparents hurt my cousins too and everyone is okay with them until it happens to them. Most recently my 15 year old cousin burst into tears when she found out my grandparents take her brother to dinner every year for his birthday but don't do the same for her. You are going to mistreat a 15 year old who isn't even an adult? Really?

I think most of my anguish with my brother comes from this idea that I don't feel like he stands for what is right. My FI and I want kids one day and typically in my family siblings get picked first as "godparents." We had a legitimate convo where neither of us would ever feel comfortable with my brother spiritually guiding our kids or raising our kids in case of a tragedy because we don't see him as someone who could help biracial children be comfortable with their identity and be supportive. I know those are hypotheticals but it just feels shitty to me when I can't rely on my brother and am already fearful of how my children may feel the tension of the family. To smartly's comment about that, until they are old enough to understand how the world works and wouldn't think it was something they did wrong, I have no intention of letting my kids know these people exist. My grandparents have no right to claim them as great-grandchildren since they disown me as a Muhammad and my children will proudly be Muhammads. It may soften my grandparents to the idea but you can't pick and choose when to support me just because we are gona have cute kids :-)

cmgilpin- sorry your family sucks too. It makes life so much more complicated than it needs to be!

Kello4221 · May 2012

I just wanted to say that my heart broke a little bit for you. I have some crazy family dynamics but fortunately none of the hate is directed at me. I am seriously worried about having all of my family members in one place though at my wedding because I don't trust them to put me before their issues with each other. You cant choose your family though, blah.

I do see how your brother and dad are in a tough spot though. Writing off family is very difficult, no matter what they do, and people enable bad behavior all the time. Think about all the people that are physically abused and stick around, it sucks.

I've had enough....(vent)

Re: I've had enough....(vent)

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