Invited to pre-parties but not the wedding?

hisalwaysandforever · August 2010

One of my friends is getting married this month & is having her bridal shower tomorrow. I was invited & I am going to it. I was also invited to her bachelorette party. However, I am not invited to go to her wedding. She is having a small & simple wedding and a "no-host" dinner after the ceremony for close friends and family. I am just wondering if us brides are supposed to do this...invite friends to the pre-parties that are not invited to the wedding? I am planning my wedding and I would feel horrible if I did this & I can only imagine they would think I am rude! What is your opinion on this?

quotequeen · August 2010

No, they are not supposed to do that. But they are also not supposed to have "no-host" receptions. Both are extremely rude. So your friend clearly doesn't care too much about etiquette.

banana468 · August 2010

DItto PP. Your friend is OK with breaking A LOT of etiqutte rules.

Muffin'sMom · August 2010

It sounds like she wants the parties, presents and attention, but can't afford the actual wedding. Not cool.

eshevenell · August 2010

I have a different opinion than the ladies above. I know what etiquette states, and as far as that is concerned, they're 100% right - you're not supposed to invite people to your pre-wedding parties that aren't invited to the wedding. Having said that, not everyone wants a big wedding - it may be a matter of choice, not a matter of what she can afford. I think, so long as the party planners are up front about the situation with the invitees, it's okay... but it doesn't necessarily sound like they were up front with you. For example, a good friend of mine got married recently and had pretty much a family-only, very small, wedding and dinner afterward. The girls who planned her bachelorette told everyone that as they were invited to the party, so it wasn't a surprise and everyone going understood the situation. I wasn't offended at all, but instead happy to be able to celebrate with her at least a bit.

banana468 · August 2010

Personally I think it's still rude to plan a party for someone and invite guests that you know won't be invited to the wedding. That's rude if the planners are aware of the situation as well.

The only time it's not a big deal is if a person says, "Hey I know I'm not invited to the wedding but if there's space, I'd love to go to the shower." Then the guest is putting it out there that she's not offended by it. When you do it the opposite way, you run the risk of not everyone being as cool with the situation.

hisalwaysandforever · August 2010

No, I had no idea until I recently found out that all invites had already been sent out. I never got one. I think she just wanted to include everyone. I know she reallyw anted the wedding very simple. True that she may have wanted an opportunity for extra gifts...who knows for sure. This caught me offguard though. I was surprised.

I won't be doing this for my wedding because I will feel very rude. As much as I would like to invite everyone I know to my wedding, I can't afford that. Inviting close friends and family brings our guest count to about 70 guests. We can't afford anymore than that, even though we would like to. I will feel bad about not including everyone I know by inviting them to the wedding, but I would feel even worse inviting them to the pre-wedding parties and not the wedding simply because I cannot afford it. I can only imagine how they would be thinking & feeling about it.

trix1223 · August 2010

Inviting people to shower who are not going to be wedding guests: poor form.

Inviting people to b-party who are not going to be wedding guests: poor form.

Inviting people to a wedding and then asking them to pay for their own meal after the wedding: are you kidding me?

This B2B has already demonstrated poor decision-making skills in several areas. I'm betting there are others. How much does anyone want to guess that there was also a note in the wedding invitation asking for cash instead of boxed gifts?

SuMmErKuTiE · August 2010

Yes, ditto all the pp's. This is beyond rude, it's like the bride wants gifts from you at her pre-wedding parties but doesn't want the expense of having you at the wedding. So incredibly rude, I can't believe someone would actually do that! My MOH went to a bachelorette last spring for a good friend of hers and it turned out she wasn't invited to the wedding. The bachelorette only consisted of 6 girls so it's not like she invited a whole bunch of people. It's just beyond rude and reflects poorly on the bride.

JerryLaines · August 2010

I'm kind of on the same boat as your friend. I just got engaged and plan on having a destination wedding to the Caribbean late 2011. I only want immediate family (parents and brothers/sisters) up to 40 people. My mom wants to throw me an engagement party or either a Jack & Jill so that way people who aren't invited can still celebrate with us before the wedding. Should I let her throw me one? I'm totally on the fence because I don't want to seem desperate for gifts but I want to have a party with my entire family. I can't write "no gifts" on the invites because they will still give me something. How do I go about this? So confused

trix1223 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_invited-pre-parties-but-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:2db931d3-ed8a-4ee3-869d-f0c82309a46aPost:5f6fd875-dc60-4bed-a6c3-f1cd546595ce">Re: Invited to pre-parties but not the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm kind of on the same boat as your friend. I just got engaged and plan on having a destination wedding to the Caribbean late 2011. I only want immediate family (parents and brothers/sisters) up to 40 people. My mom wants to throw me an engagement party or either a Jack & Jill so that way people who aren't invited can still celebrate with us before the wedding. Should I let her throw me one? I'm totally on the fence because I don't want to seem desperate for gifts but I want to have a party with my entire family. I can't write "no gifts" on the invites because they will still give me something. How do I go about this? So confused
Posted by JenBlon[/QUOTE]

No you shouldn't let your mom throw you a wedding related party for people who arent' invited to the wedding.

Being a grown up means understanding and accepting that decisions we make come with consequences. You have made the decision to have a very small, family only DW.

Among the consequences of that decision is that you forfeit some of the traditional aspects of a more traditional wedding: including prewedding parties.

ONLY those invited to the actual wedding should be invited to prewedding parties.

Your mom can offer to throw the parties. You however, should decline to accept the offer.

chigirl2010 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_invited-pre-parties-but-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:2db931d3-ed8a-4ee3-869d-f0c82309a46aPost:5f6fd875-dc60-4bed-a6c3-f1cd546595ce">Re: Invited to pre-parties but not the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm kind of on the same boat as your friend. I just got engaged and plan on having a destination wedding to the Caribbean late 2011. I only want immediate family (parents and brothers/sisters) up to 40 people. My mom wants to throw me an engagement party or either a Jack & Jill so that way people who aren't invited can still celebrate with us before the wedding. Should I let her throw me one? I'm totally on the fence because I don't want to seem desperate for gifts but I want to have a party with my entire family. I can't write "no gifts" on the invites because they will still give me something. How do I go about this? So confused
Posted by JenBlon[/QUOTE]

Depends on how well you know your guests. We're having sort-of e-parties and have invited people who won't be invited to the wedding. However, we're not expecting gifts and have made it very clear that this isn't that type of party; it's a very informal barbecue at a park (two actually, one for each hometown since I'm from TX and he's from MI). It's merely a way for extended family and friends to reunite and see us (we both live about a thousand miles from home) - usually you get to do that at the wedding, but since it's a DW, we can't do that. He's from a tiny, close-knit town where his mom is THE only hairdresser, so likely, literally half the town may show up. Likewise, we're practically throwing a block party. No gifts, just show up, enjoy some food, and catch up with us.

Again, you just have to know your guests. I know ours know we wish all could be there and they're not offended at being invited to the barbecue but not the wedding.

trix1223 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_invited-pre-parties-but-not-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:2db931d3-ed8a-4ee3-869d-f0c82309a46aPost:41ec00f8-8f45-402d-b424-fb40997abfd4">Re: Invited to pre-parties but not the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invited to pre-parties but not the wedding? : Depends on how well you know your guests. We're having sort-of e-parties and have invited people who won't be invited to the wedding. However, we're not expecting gifts and have made it very clear that this isn't that type of party; it's a very informal barbecue at a park (two actually, one for each hometown since I'm from TX and he's from MI). It's merely a way for extended family and friends to reunite and see us (we both live about a thousand miles from home) - usually you get to do that at the wedding, but since it's a DW, we can't do that. He's from a tiny, close-knit town where his mom is THE only hairdresser, so likely, literally half the town may show up. Likewise, we're practically throwing a block party. No gifts, just show up, enjoy some food, and catch up with us. Again, you just have to know your guests. I know ours know we wish all could be there and they're not offended at being invited to the barbecue but not the wedding.
Posted by chigirl2010[/QUOTE]

YOu can have a BBQ or a picnic in the year before your wedding. Just call it a BBQ or a picnic. Don't call it an e-party. Don't make it wedding related at all.

I don't know why some people (not necessarily you chigirl) feel a need to turn every get together for the year before their wedding into a wedding related "event."

vickiloew · August 2010

I think it is very tacky to invite people to the pre-wedding parties but not the wedding. I agree with others that if you are choosing a very small wedding or a DW wedding or whatever, then you should be prepared to forfeit some traditional wedding elements like showers, etc.

audrey1202 · August 2010

In general, I think you can sometimes arrange with the traditionnal etiquette, in particular situations. But you should always first wonder if you are going to shock people in the process.
Wanting to include everyone in your wedding is sweet, especially if you are having a very small diner because of a tight budget. But going to a pre-wedding party without getting invited to the wedding itself just hurts. And it is not a matter of open mindness. Discovering during the bachelorette party that you actually did not get invited to the big day is just horrible.

PeonyPrincesskdd · August 2010

She is not supposed to invite people to those pre-wedding events unless she invites them to the wedding. It seems here she just wants to invite you to get a gift out of you perhaps.. or at the bach wants your company.. but your not good enough for her to have at your reception.. how tacky

LeeJane25 · August 2010

In response to JenBlon:

Instead of having a pre-wedding event, why not have a post-wedding reception when you return from the destination wedding? A friend of mine did that last summer. They spent two weeks in Hawaii, got married (just the two of them), and returned home and threw a pic-nic that they had catered at a local park. It was a lot of fun, and I didn't think it was rude in the slightest. As it was a reception, I brought a gift, like I would to any wedding reception.

mege913 · September 2010

It strikes me as funny how rude some of you are in your responses while commenting how "rude" these untraditional brides are. Read through--you will laugh!

banana468 · September 2010

Mege, any reason you're bringing up a thread that's well over a month old?

Invited to pre-parties but not the wedding?

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