This breaks my heart

sucrets4 · December 2009

So, my students now know that I'm pg. Of course I told them and it spread like wildfire, but I told you guys that my HS kids asked a month ago when I clearly wasn't showing and it was just bloat.

Today I got a note from one of my Seniors. She's pg, too, and also due in May. She's not happy because it was an accident and it totally breaks my heart for her. I know that obviously she got herself into this, but it still makes me so sad that she's having a hard time dealing with it.

What is a good non obvious thing that I can do for her? She told me that not many people know and she'd like to keep it that way.

kate51485 · December 2009

Does she have close relationships with other adults -- mom, grandma, aunt, someone like that -- who will guide her through the process? If not, or even if she does, maybe you could keep a little journal back and forth whenever she has questions she doesn't know who to ask.

JessAndTrav · December 2009

You have to be careful about giving too much advice to students, but find the line and let her know if she needs anything to come and talk to you.

Ask her how her family is dealing with this, and if she can't really afford it, I would do my best to secretly give her some baby stuff. (Drop it off at her house when nobody's home)

Just be there for her as much as you can. It's the teachers like you who care that make the biggest difference.

Brie2010 · December 2009

Is it bad that my first thought was, "tell your husband it's twins and steal her baby" a la Glee?

Oh, that's sad. That must be heartbreaking for her. I'm not sure what guidelines you have to work within being a teacher, but I'd get together some information for her about her options--Planned Parenthood, adoption, and the like. Maybe also information about stuff like WIC and state insurance programs for kids, if her financial situation isn't good, or for free/low-cost prenatal care.

I'd honestly just have a good talk, non-judgey (not that you would be) talk with her. That's probably why she reached out to you--she thinks you're cool, needs to talk/vent, and hopes you'll help her out in a non-scary way.

beatlesgirl25 · December 2009

Aw, that is sad, but really touching that she felt she could trust you with this info. Does she need any help getting connected to local resources (clinics, groups, etc.)? Obviously you wouldn't ask her to see your OB/GYN, but you might know more about your region in terms of those things. Also, if there is a book you have found helpful about pregnancy (like "What to Expect...") maybe that would be a nice gift/recommendation to help her feel informed. I like the journal idea too.

ac_in_dc · December 2009

Yeah, maybe just offering to talk, answer her questions, listen to her situation is probably the best thing you can do for now. Anything else really depends on how she plans to deal with the pregnancy.

mocha beans · December 2009

That's sad, in the "this is definately not the right time for this" way.

Maybe a note that if she wants to talk to someone removed from the situation about it, to drop you a note?

Kati0105 · December 2009

Is it bad that my first thought was, "tell your husband it's twins and steal her baby" a la Glee?

Mine too

I think all you can really do is just be there for her. While hopefully she has some other people to count on for support, you are quite possibly the only person she knows who is also going through the same things (at least physically) at the same time so I think if you feel comfortable with doing so you can offer to answer any pg-related questions she might have. I'd probably avoid discussing her options regarding the pregnancy - maybe talk to the school principal or counselor to make sure you know what you are/aren't allowed to say to her?

kate51485 · December 2009

Oh, good point ac -- is she going to keep the baby?

lyndausvi · December 2009

That is so sad.

I wish I had some good advice.

I do agree it's a fine line.

sarahmk5 · December 2009

I think the best thing you could do is just write her a note letting her know that you're there to talk if she needs anything. She probably reached out hoping for someone to talk to.

lpstl · December 2009

Sucrets, do you know how much you rock? You are so insanely awesome for even trying to think of what you could do to help her. We need more teachers like you in our school system.

Ok, love fest ending, suggestions starting:

My biggest concern would be that she's so upset about being pregnant, that she isn't educating herself about pregnancy or taking care of herself as much as she should be. Could you get her a pregnancy book? Maybe one that's geared towards single mothers or teen mothers?

I know things can get tricky with teacher/student boundaries, but would you be comfortable just taking her out for tea or something and chatting about her situation. I'd be very concerned if her parents don't know, or if they aren't supportive.

SwedishChick2011 · December 2009

I wonder where the dad is in all this? He got her in to this too, so I hope he steps up, especially if she decides to keep the baby. That's not really advice, sorry.

squirrly · December 2009

Regarding talking to her about options. . . that's not permitted in some schools. So, just make sure you know what's allowed and what's not. I think talking to her about pregnancy in general and being excited about the baby, etc. is awesome. You could also offer to go to the school guidance counselor with her to find out what support the school may offer.

ac_in_dc · December 2009

Oh man, I definitely wouldn't give her any kind of advice on options. Actually, it's late enough that she's probably carrying the baby to term, so lpstl's advice on helping her to stay healthy during pregnancy is a good one.

sucrets4 · December 2009

Thanks guys, sorry, I had an advisory class come in.

I have no idea what her plans are, but it sounds like she's keeping it.

My gut says to write her a note back (she said in her note that it would have been awkward to tell me in person) and offer my ear for support. I want to do more, though, and I just don't know what.

I like the idea of a book or a journal - maybe I'll see how she responds to my note and take it from there.

I have no idea how supportive her family is or what the dad's part is in all of this.

She's been grumpy this year and now I know why! She also apologized for her crappy attitude which was sweet...and now is completely understandable!

BecW2be · December 2009

Oooh, that's tough. How long does she intend to not tell people. It's kind of one of those things people will figure out, whether she tells them or not.

I'd just ask her what she's done as far as dr. appts. so far, and what her plans are after the baby arrives. Refer her to a counselor and offer information about health and pregnancy specifics, but steer clear of trying to get into really deep discussions about it. She needs someone to talk to, but she also needs to make a lot of decisions right now, and those she needs to make for herself.

M's close friend just found out she's pg too. It is heartbreaking, and so hard for me to talk about how her friend's life just became 100X as hard, and how much work this is going to take and how much of being young she's going to miss, because I had M so young and I don't want her to feel like I resent her or hold anything in my life against her. I don't. But it does change your life. Forever.

bbyckes · December 2009

I don't have a suggestion, but I'm do not envy your position.

I had a couple of friends who found out they were pregnant in high school and I can't imagine how incredibly lonely they must have felt. Having someone she can talk to will probably mean the world to her. I do agree with others that it is probably best to tread lightly though.

sucrets4 · December 2009

bec - I don't know how long she plans on keeping it a secret. She may be planning on going to an alternative school after this semester ends.

I know the principal knows...I remember getting a memo a few months ago saying that she should be allowed to use the bathroom when she needs to because of medical condition. I know of something else going on with her and thought the potty thing was related.

I'm not used to having kids in this situation. There were far less of them at my old school. I really just want to cry...I had another girl last year who had a little baby boy and she was trying to finish up HS. At one point in time she told me that when she had the money, she wanted to buy a Mozart cd for her son to fall asleep to.

I went out and bought her a cd, clothes, and a gift card to walmart. How could I not help out this poor, struggling girl?? I may not have tons of money, but I have more than enough and I know how hard she was struggling.

...and now I'm tearing up sitting here at my desk. Great.

Nebb · December 2009

Its a wonderful thing that youre there for those girls sucrets, youre a great person to do that for them.

mocha beans · December 2009

Sucrets, you're so sweet you're giving me a wicked toothache.

Having non-family adults around like you are the difference between being a successful teenage mother who raises herself and her baby well, vs a mother who winds up uneducated and on welfare long term.

Brie2010 · December 2009

Sucrets, you're adorable.

I think you're on track with the writing a note back to her--maybe see if you could meet up during one of her study periods or something. Even just having someone to talk to openly will make a huge difference.

thesuninherhead · December 2009

You are so very sweet.

I'd see if I could find a book about pregnancy/child raising for teenagers, with lots of positive stories included (presuming she's keeping it). Also maybe just something small for her, like a body shop pack or something, and a note that you're thinking of her and that you are sure she has what it takes to be a fantastic mother, and hope that she keeps her own wellbeing in mind and always reaches out to someone if she needs help... or something like that.

thesuninherhead · December 2009

(I should say that the first thing I think you should do is see if you can talk about how she feels about it, what her plans are for next year etc in a little more detail to ascertain if she is indeed keeping the baby, before you do anything like I've suggested above- That's probably quite obvious, though!)

This breaks my heart

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