Unhelpful Bridesmaid- what to do?

abbygrace8 · March 2010

Alright so here's the situation:

I asked a girlfriend of mine from college (I'm currently still a student) to be a bridesmaid. I'm realizing now I should never have asked her- it was impulsive, and had I thought it through for another month or two, I wouldn't have asked her. That being said, I'm not the type of person to go back on my word, and I intend to follow through. Here's my issue, though. We go to the same school, we're both in an organization together, yet I never see her. I get an occasional text that says "I LOVE YOU!", but thats it. I'm usually the one who has to contact her to see how things are going, and whenever we get together it's so she can talk about things that are bothering her and so I can advise her on them. I'm fairly certain that after I graduate (this May) that the only time I'll hear from her is the occasional I LOVE YOU!!! text, and then a call to see where she needs to go to get a bridesmaid dress. We hardly talked over last summer.
I guess my concern is that I don't want someone in my bridal party who doesn't bother to pursue me as a friend. I know she loves the idea of being a bridesmaid, but I don't think she understands that there is responsibility that comes with it. I'll need her to come up to help me on various weekend this fall, a 4 hour drive from where she'll be. What if she isn't willing to do that? This has gotten too long.. sorry.

Here's my question- at what point (if any) is it alright to say something? I don't want to uninvite her from my wedding party (thus burning that bridge for sure), but I don't want the only time I hear from her this summer to be when she calls to ask about her dress. what do I do? Please be brutally honest! Thanks!

SarahPLiz · March 2010

Tell her where to get the dress and don't worry about it. You are right that you may have made the wrong choice based on your expectations for your bridesmaids, but now you have to live with it.

abbygrace8 · March 2010

i appreciate your honesty- thank you!

mbcdefg · March 2010

You're wrong about the bridesmaids having responsibilities. Other than getting the dress and standing up in the wedding and posing for photos, she is not obligated to do anything else. Many BMs CHOOSE to do more to help out or whatever, but that is a conscious decision on their part. It is not her job or duty to help you. If she gets the dress and comes to the wedding, then she's fulfilled her bridesmaid obligation.

If she's unwilling to drive four hours to help you plan your wedding ... then she's a normal human being, not a bad bridesmaids or selfish friend. Quite honestly, it's crazy to expect someone that you admit is not a close friend to do that for you, and it's unreasonable and unfair to get upset at the thought of her not doing that. And it's also very unfair and selfish of you to think the worst of her because of something she *might not* do, that hasn't even happened yet. You're blaming this girl for something that is still several months away.

You don't "need" your bridesmaids for help ... wedding planning is not rocket science, and if you get to the point where you feel like you "need" help, then you've taken on too much and need to scale back. The only people who OWE you help are your fiance and any planners or vendors that you are paying. You and FI decided to get married, so you and your FI are the only people who have an obligation to plan the wedding. You can certainly ask loved ones for help, but they absolutely are not obligated to help you and it is not their job to help you.

Plus, your wedding is in January 2011! What could she possibly be doing for you right now? How elaborate is your wedding that it requires you to get other people involved nearly a year in advance? The only things I had planned 9-10 months before my wedding were the church and hall, and those didn't require anyone's help other than FI's, because it's his wedding too and we both had to be happy with those choices. In fact, I'm a month away now and the only input or help I've needed from my BMs was asking them what kind of dresses they wanted to wear.

No, it's not O.K. to tell her that she's not helping enough. Again, because it's not her job.

If you feel like the friendship is not as good as it could be (and this should have NOTHING to do with your wedding), it's O.K. to talk to her and say, "I feel like we used to be so close, and now we're not. Is everything O.K. with us?" But it sounds like you just got too eager and asked someone who has always been the type to let you take the lead with getting together or chatting, so I would adivise that you not expect her to suddenly change her ways just because you asked her to be in your wedding. Your wedding will not make people suddenly become better friends.

Continue to reach out to her if you want to remain friends, and give her the info about the dress and when/where to get it. If she gets the dress, she's in, and if you feel like the friendship has run its course after the wedding (again, this is a friendship issue, not a wedding issue, so you shouldn't avoid her because you felt like she should've paid more attention to your wedding), just let it fade away.

And if she does not get her dress, then she's taken herself out of the wedding and your hands are clean. But it sounds like she's excited to be a BM, so honestly I don't see what your problem is.

trix1223 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unhelpful-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:75e6b41f-c5cc-4641-9c92-67b890fd26d4Post:1d54c3d1-ab8d-440e-9332-d93f63b4761b">Unhelpful Bridesmaid- what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright so here's the situation: I asked a girlfriend of mine from college (I'm currently still a student) to be a bridesmaid. I'm realizing now I should never have asked her- it was impulsive, and had I thought it through for another month or two, I wouldn't have asked her. That being said, I'm not the type of person to go back on my word, and I intend to follow through. Here's my issue, though. We go to the same school, we're both in an organization together, yet I never see her. I get an occasional text that says "I LOVE YOU!", but thats it. I'm usually the one who has to contact her to see how things are going, and whenever we get together it's so she can talk about things that are bothering her and so I can advise her on them. I'm fairly certain that after I graduate (this May) that the only time I'll hear from her is the occasional I LOVE YOU!!! text, and then a call to see where she needs to go to get a bridesmaid dress. We hardly talked over last summer. I guess my concern is that I don't want someone in my bridal party who doesn't bother to pursue me as a friend. I know she loves the idea of being a bridesmaid, but I don't think she understands that there is responsibility that comes with it. I'll need her to come up to help me on various weekend this fall, a 4 hour drive from where she'll be. What if she isn't willing to do that? This has gotten too long.. sorry. Here's my question- at what point (if any) is it alright to say something? I don't want to uninvite her from my wedding party (thus burning that bridge for sure), but I don't want the only time I hear from her this summer to be when she calls to ask about her dress. what do I do? Please be brutally honest! Thanks!
Posted by abbygrace8[/QUOTE]

What exactly do you want her to do on various weekends this fall? I think you misunderstand the role of a BM. So let me share with you:

First of all, put down the brides magazines, stop reading the website lists of what a WP should do, and stop watching TV shows. They exist to convince you to spend money on what their advertisers are pushing.

In the course of that, they have apparently convinced a whole generation of women that they are entitled, and that their friends must become their unpaid labor to plan a party. And planning a party isn't rocket science and doesn't need an army to pull off.

Your BMs are NOT: your unpaid staff. They do not have to go shopping with you for your dress, go to fittings for your dress. They do not have to help you pick out invitations, favors, colors, flowers, or decorations. They do not have to go to "tastings", and they do not have to make favors. They do not have to stuff envelopes, design STD's, address envelopes, or arrange flowers. They do not have to help you decide on hair styles, shoe styles or jewelry styles. They do not have to decorate the venue. They do not have to contact your vendors for you. They do not have to plan, throw, or attend showers, e-parties, and/or b-parties.

Here's what they DO have to do: Get the dress. Show up on wedding day clean and sober. Walk down the aisle. Stand respectfully for the ceremony. Smile for the pictures.

So your friend can accomplish everything on the DO list without driving 8 hours round trip "various" weekends this fall.

Your expectations are wrong. If this friend loves you, and you love her.....well that pretty much does it. GL

abbygrace8 · March 2010

dang... that was brutally honest. but fair. i definitely had some misconceptions about bridesmaids, but you guys helped to clear those up. i really do appreciate your feedback. i'm livving in a house with 5 roommates, 3 of them (other than me) engaged, and i think i've caught a bit of the bridezilla fever. this was a much needed reality check!

CTGirl30 · March 2010

Don't worry, we'll be honest.

Trix is right on this: Here's what they DO have to do: Get the dress. Show up on wedding day clean and sober. Walk down the aisle. Stand respectfully for the ceremony. Smile for the pictures.

You and your FI plan your wedding and visit vendors. It's not the job of BMs to come to appointments with you, stuff invitations, or assemble favors if you have them. They are not your unpaid labor. You decided to have the wedding, so it's up to you and your FI to do the planning & all that fun stuff. If you can't handle it, scale back or hire a planner. But the BMs are friends you want to honor - not people you expect to travel down on wknds from 4 hours away to help you with every detail. You can accomplish ALOT over email - one of the girls on this board is living in Chile and her BMs were in other countries and they managed to plan just fine. Proximity is not a deterrant - she doesn't HAVE to be by your side to be a BM.

Keep her in the wedding party - you asked and you are correct that it's a crappy move to kick someone out and will probably end a friendship - and keep your expectations realistic and low-key. She may suprise you and offer to help with more but if she does that's her perogative, not her duty.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

We are nothing if not honest here.

I wish my sister would have sent some "I LOVE YOU" texts while I was engaged. Or ever, really

She was also my MOH. You're lucky to have a friend who cares so much about you. Don't mess with that by being concerned about wedding planning, which it looks like you're not going to do

mbcdefg · March 2010

And to clarify, I (and I'm sure I speak for everyone else) don't think you're a bad person at all for feeling this way.

Like Trix said, wedding magazines and movies and TV shows and websites have been peddling the idea that bridesmaids are unpaid servants and that they have all these "obligations" and "jobs" and that they're rotten people if they don't live up to those expectations. I think a lot of brides get tied up in the idea that a wedding suddenly changes all the rules of life ... I mean, I don't think any of us would think it's fair to demand something from a friend in everyday life, but a lot of people seem to believe that a diamond ring suddenly gives them that right. A marriage is an important thing in life, but I think way too many people confuse "wedding" with "marriage." A wedding is essentially just a big party, when you boil right down to it. The people who go to the courthouse or Vegas for five minutes are just as married as those who had $100K weddings with 40 bridesmaids and perfect little favors.

And I totally understand being in college and having friendships drift apart. I had extremely close friends in freshman year where we all promised to be each others' bridesmaids some day, and by the start of sophomore year I wasn't speaking to them. Even out of the closest friends I had when I graduated, I don't speak to about 75% of them anymore, and not because of a falling out. People just go their separate ways, and they grow up and have different priorities. I'm sure you remember thinking that stuff in high school was the be-all, end-all of life, and that you realize now that it was stupid and insignificant. Same thing with college. Heck, I'm sure it's the same with benig in your late 20s vs. being in your late 30s. We're all still learning.

abbygrace8 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unhelpful-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:75e6b41f-c5cc-4641-9c92-67b890fd26d4Post:6f8fa069-d413-41da-b0fc-49d7928684e5">Re: Unhelpful Bridesmaid- what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]And to clarify, I (and I'm sure I speak for everyone else) don't think you're a bad person at all for feeling this way. Like Trix said, wedding magazines and movies and TV shows and websites have been peddling the idea that bridesmaids are unpaid servants and that they have all these "obligations" and "jobs" and that they're rotten people if they don't live up to those expectations. I think a lot of brides get tied up in the idea that a wedding suddenly changes all the rules of life ... I mean, I don't think any of us would think it's fair to demand something from a friend in everyday life, but a lot of people seem to believe that a diamond ring suddenly gives them that right. A marriage is an important thing in life, but I think way too many people confuse "wedding" with "marriage." A wedding is essentially just a big party, when you boil right down to it. The people who go to the courthouse or Vegas for five minutes are just as married as those who had $100K weddings with 40 bridesmaids and perfect little favors. And I totally understand being in college and having friendships drift apart. I had extremely close friends in freshman year where we all promised to be each others' bridesmaids some day, and by the start of sophomore year I wasn't speaking to them. Even out of the closest friends I had when I graduated, I don't speak to about 75% of them anymore, and not because of a falling out. People just go their separate ways, and they grow up and have different priorities. I'm sure you remember thinking that stuff in high school was the be-all, end-all of life, and that you realize now that it was stupid and insignificant. Same thing with college. Heck, I'm sure it's the same with benig in your late 20s vs. being in your late 30s. We're all still learning.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

AGREED. i think thats something everyone struggles with at some point- making a bigger deal out of the wedding than the actual marriage. having the smaller budget that we do has definitely helped to keep me humble.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

malphabet is dead on with all of that. Especially the idea that BMs should be called out for failing to act like unpaid staff. Heck, the knot's FAQ says it's totally fine to freeze out a BM who isn't helping pay for the shower. Its list of "duties" says that the BMs are supposed to stock your fridge while you're on your honeymoon. Ridiculous but if you really buy into all of that, it could totally start to warp any nice person's sense of reality.

She also definitely speaks for everyone in that you're not a bad person

trix1223 · March 2010

congrats, Abby for listening and taking to heart what people are telling you. Believe me when I say that your response is among the FAR more mature that people use give after being giving a reality check.

What you're going to find, I'm sure, is that your friends WILL be far more likely to reach out and offer help if you let them offer than if you demand it.

My DD asked absolutely NOTHING of her WP, other than that they get the dress. They couldn't have offered more or been more interested in her wedding. But I'm quite sure that if she had demanded that they give up weekends to do wedding "stuff", it would have been a whole 'nother ballgame.

In fact, one of her BMs couldn't make the rehearsal or RD or the hair appt the morning of the wedding. She had just started a new job. She was so apologetic to my DD, and (here's why I'm SO proud of my DD): DD's resonse was:

Hun, this is your life! Your new job trumps my rehearsal any day. Of course you can't be here for the rehearsal. I'm just thrilled to have to stand with me on my wedding day.

It's the old catching more flies with honey thing, you know?

AdeleDazeem · March 2010

oh, I like Abby! She took the brutal truth like a pro. Come back and visit, please

abbygrace8 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unhelpful-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:75e6b41f-c5cc-4641-9c92-67b890fd26d4Post:fcd56914-df25-407b-bd2c-32e466574e50">Re: Unhelpful Bridesmaid- what to do?</a>:
[QUOTE] Heck, the knot's FAQ says it's totally fine to freeze out a BM who isn't helping pay for the shower. Its list of "duties" says that the BMs are supposed to stock your fridge while you're on your honeymoon. Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

Are they serious? I guess its part of the whole mentality of bride card trumps all. jeez, if I ever encounter a bride that demands that sort of thing, I'm peacing out.

I want my wedding day to go well, but it's not like if we hit bumps in the road with WP that our marriage is going to suffer. People need to chilllll. Your wedding DAY (uno, 1, one) is all about you. Your engagement period (however long that may be) is not.

abbygrace8 · March 2010

haha thanks Joy

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Please do stick around abby

There are many, many girls who come on here who insist that the "literature" says it's okay to dump a BM because she's moving out of town for grad school two years before the wedding, and other insane ideas.

abbygrace8 · March 2010

to heck with literature of our broken culture- loving people is more important.

LarissaAnn · March 2010

Oh, you definitely need to stick around, because I like that line, and you need to use it when the whiners show up trying to say that their weddings are more important than their friends and families.

abbygrace8 · March 2010

well then that is exactly what i will do!

suz62984 · March 2010

Well the advice has been covered but everyone is right. You are one of the few that took harsh advice like a pro. I like you already!

stina93446 · March 2010

I like Abby...

You can stay....

abbygrace8 · March 2010

yessssssssss

SassyBrass · March 2010

Well, I'm late and all, but everyone said pretty much what needed to be said. And Abby, way to actually listen to the advice. Many people would have flipped out and called us miserable hags by now. So thank you.
But it is true about all the magazines, sites, shows, etc. about weddings. Sure, it is a big deal. But having high demands makes it a miserable time. For everyone.
When I was MOH a few years ago, I read some articles about some nice things I could do. That's just the type I am. I don't really think it should be expected in return. Not only that, I was a bored 22 year old with a lame office job. Now, all of my friends are married and have families (or on the way). To expect parties and all would end up in severe let down.
Sorry, I'm ranting. But do come back. You seem to have the open-mindedness to listen to advice.

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