Heart broken MOH

hedgehogmadhatter · February 2012

My MOH who I love, broke up with her long time fiance back in Dec 2010. I got engaged May 2011 and in July I asked her to be MOH. I specifically asked if this was hard or sad for her because of what she went through in Dec. Not only had she met another guy in March but she was serious about him so when she assured me she was cool with this, I believed her.

January 2012 and she's single again. She pushed the new guy so hard for marriage that he split and she's a mess. So much so that my other maids are planning on staging an intervention. She is no help what-so-ever. She's in the I'm going to die an old maid phase of the break up process. She is constantly meeting so many guys from online sites for impromptu dates she is forgetting she already planned to do stuff with us. Which normally wouldn't be such a big deal but I have to make and plan appointments and if I knew she wasn't coming I could have done something else. In reality I know all she has to do is show up on the big day with her dress, which she already has and looks great in. But she can't even talk about anything wedding related. She started a shower and we're not sure what's going on with that.

If she didn't already have the dress and didn't care so much, we'd just pick someone else to be MOH and still have her in the party. But I'm worried my wedding is killing her. It's obvously too late to turn back and she wouldn't give up MOH for the world. But the question I'm asking myself is...Should I have seen this coming? And she's driving me nuts and I feel bad because of it. Ack! Thanks for the vent.

hedgehogmadhatter · February 2012

I'm not worried if she's doing enough. She makes plans for us to go out, then doesn't show or forgets. And I had known ahead of time I wouldn't have put other things off to spend time with her. She's really depressed. We aren't sure there is a good way to talk to her about it. I'm working a full time job with required over time, planning a wedding and figuring out how to be a decent step parent. I just don't have much free time to play with and I don't want to hurt her.

TiffannieF · February 2012

Your friend is going through a lot and I'm not surprised somebody would be skipping out on "agreed" woman dates. Valentines day is next week, surprise her with some flowers and ice cream...she will really appreciate it. I did this for my heartbroken MOH last year and she said it was the best Valentines day ever, her attitude got a little better too. This is more of a friend having a broken heart than a MOH problem. Be a friend, not a bride.

hedgehogmadhatter · February 2012

Trust me we are her friends. We've gone out. Done lots of things. The Valentines Gift idea is geat though, thanks!

msuprincess04 · February 2012

Just stop talking to her about your wedding. If it hurts her, than don't do it. You have plenty of other friends who you can talk to, and, if not, then talk to you FI, he's getting married too.

Also, you don't really get a say in whether she throws you a shower. A shower is a gift. If she doesn't throw you one, and no one else does, then you don't get one. It's not a personal attack on you or a "bad BM" move on them. It is what it is. Don't bring up the shower with anyone again., it'll seem like you are asking for one, and that's rude. But if someone asks you whether there is one, you can simply said "I haven't heard of anything planned." Then it's on them to plan one.

mbcdefg · February 2012

You'r emaking this all about you and your wedding, when it's clearly not.

You say you're concerned for her. That's great, continue to be concerned. But you also keep throwing in that she's done nothing and your bridesmaids are going to stage an intervention for her (WTF?), and that you would've gotten a new MOH if you had the opportunity. That's a shiitty way to treat a friend and that certainly can't be helping her poor self-esteem right now. "I'm worried my wedding is killing her" ... honey, your wedding isn't so monumental in her life that it's making her feel so badly about herself. Any problems she may have right now are HERS, not because you're getting married and she's not.

If you know that she keeps bailing on your plans, then STOP MAKING PLANS WITH HER. Or at least stop making plans that are dependent on her to show up. It's really. That. Simple. Say, "Hey, we are going dress shopping on [date] if you want to come" and leave it at that. If she shows up, awesome. If not, no big deal. I agree that it's rude of her to blow off plans and leave you all hanging, but you should've learned your lesson the first or second time this happened ... don't make the plans dependent on when SHE can show up ... make the plans, tell her the date and then leave the ball in her court.

You seem genuinely concerned about her sadness, which is good. But again, you're turning this into a wedding issue when it absolutely is not a wedding issue. Your friend is hurting here ... stop relating this to her ability to function as a MOH. If she gets the dress and comes to the wedding, she's done her job. Stop worrying about how she's missing wedding-related appointments, stop worrying about whether or not she's going to throw you a shower, stop worrying that she doesn't want to talk about your wedding right now. Be there for her as a friend. You don't have to baby her or put everything else in your life on hold to nurse her broken heart, but I think you need to show a little more compassion for her.

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

Stop making plans that are about your wedding, clearly she does not care for those now, but make lots of plans that are not about weddings. You don't have lots of time now, but surely you have some time for a friend in need. What kind of shopping trips do you want to make with her anyway now that she's got her dress?

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

About the shower: it is not up to you to do anything about it, but it would be sensible from the other BM's to take over, of course if the MOH wants them to.

mbody · February 2012

Leave her out of wedding related discussions or outtings. Instead, connect with her in other ways. Ask when is a good time for her to stop by. Go to her house- bring some wine (or ice cream) & a funny movie. Send a card. There are plenty of things that you can do for your friend. She is in a funk right now and will hopefully be out of it soon!

quiggels219 · February 2012

Your friend, and I'm guessing best friend as you chose her to be your moh, is going through something difficult. Have you thought this could be her grieving both relationships? If she left one very serious relationship and jumped into another without really dealing with it she could be going through a double wammy right now - I've seen it happen. Anyways put your wedding aside, plan it with your other girls and your fi and stop trying to talk about the wedding. I'd surprise her on vday with some food and a gift - maybe cook her dinner and bring some wine. Get her a mani/pedi giftcard so she can take some time for herself. Also, what did you mean by an intervention?

graysquirrel · February 2012

I completely agree with mbc. This is in no way a wedding issue, it is a friend issue. It sounds like your friend is going through an incredibly hard time right now. It sounds like she is having psychological issues; of course she isn't going to be able to plan your wedding parties or go to your WR appointments right now! Please cut her some slack on the wedding stuff and instead work on fully being there for her. Please don't do an intervention for her. I don't know whether your plans involve talking about the wedding or not, but in her state I think it would be more embarassing and difficult than anything. If it is about the wedding, then imagine how cruel that would come across-- "I know you are hurting, but you are not planning my party or coming to my fittings, you bum!"

You said that she only has to get the dress and show up, which is correct, but then you brought showers into it. If people are concerned about that, your BMs need to contact her and ask if they can help. That isn't something for the bride to ever get involved in and is never a requirment of the MOH. Besides, if she already has her dress, she is set and doesn't have anything else left to do anyway.

adktd2boots · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_heart-broken-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b15eb365-d7a2-4911-a61f-2e250a445cafPost:df2c9b23-b47e-47cb-be43-ce70ccf1c347">Re: Heart broken MOH</a>:
[QUOTE] This is more of a friend having a broken heart than a MOH problem. Be a friend, not a bride.
Posted by TiffannieF[/QUOTE]

THIS

AurorasEnvy · February 2012

I think sending her something for Valentine's Day would be really nice. If she has half planned your shower already, maybe ask your other BMs if they are up for the task of taking it over if it's already put too far into motion to cancel (IE, deposit on a place, invites sent, etc.)

Otherwise, I'd avoid all other talk about the wedding unless she brings it up. As much as your friend is hurting right now, I'm sure she could handle showing up to the rehearsal dinner & standing up in your actual wedding....but constant talk or discussion about it from now up until your wedding is probably going to make her feel worse.

The vibe I got from your OP was that your other BMs are also her friends and they were staging an "intervention" because they are concerned about her well being, not because she's been a little flaky with wedding related stuff (or at least that is what I hope).

All you can do is be supportive & understanding of her situation - she'll eventually move on but until that happens just think about how you would feel if you were the heartbroken & lonely one and all she could talk about was her wedding & she wanted you to do a whole bunch of wedding things.

hedgehogmadhatter · February 2012

at RetreadBride: That is awful, I'm so sorry! I would never kick anyone out, I merely meant switching up her role.
To be honest I didn't even know what a MOH did until she told me. I don't want to kick her out. I held her hand LAST YEAR and again THIS YEAR through each moment of every break up, but now she's absolutely mad to find another serious boyfriend IMMEDIATELY. She wants to go out of town for the weekend, we make plans to have fun (not wedding related, all girls) and at the last minute she's talked to some guy on line and tossed our plans aside which is driving me batty because I am close enough to the wedding that every free moment counts and had I known she was changing our plans I could have done something else like gotten my future stepson for his tux fitting. We are trying to include her in all fun not just wedding stuff. She needs to have fun. Trust me FUN. But I'm feeling bad because I know she wants to get married so badly and it didn't work out and now she's in a wedding. She said she was cool with it when I asked last summer, but now she's broken up with another guy and it's very uncomfortable. Hey wait.. didn't they make a Lifetime movie about this same thing? J/k.
Really this situation isn't as dire as some posters assumed. I'm not making numerous wedding shopping dates and trying to drag her along, or flogging her for not doing my bidding, it's not like that. We're pretty laid back folks. And no matter how this plays out we'll still be close friends. Though I may develop a permanent twitch before this wedding is done.

Sydney91 · February 2012

Girl date tomorrow on Valentines would probably get her feeling better. My friend and I do that for years. Stupid Hallmark holiday making us feel lousy!

Heart broken MOH

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