Is anyone else having this issue, if so, what are you doing about it?

had26 · June 2012

We have had our invite list narrowed down for some time now. Our venue can hold up to 200 people but it would be really tight so we cut our list off at 175 (knowing that some of my great aunts and uncles would not come and hopefully at the end of the day the number would be closer to 160). We sent our save-the-dates out in March.

Now, 4 months to go and I'm learning of all of these single people that are suddenly in relationships and want to bring dates. These are people that were not accounted for in our 175 and I am very adamant about not adding anymore. But, then I feel bad.

Is anyone else having this issue?? So frustrating!!

mrshall1027 · June 2012

I'm sorry you're having to go through that. I had read a lot about this before we started our guest list, so I kinda knew to prepare for it before hand. We included a plus one for all the single people just in case they did get into a relationship. Even though we did this, we are not allowing plus ones for single people, so it's actually going to lower our guest count.

A lot of people will say, if they haven't been in a relationship over a certain amount of time, you are not obligated to invite their boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm not sure how you would feel about that, but it is an option for people in newer relationships.

Good luck!

lehc723 · June 2012

You just have to make a rule for how it is you're handling them, and stick with them. I'd imagine if they're people who have SOs that you didn't even know of that they're newer relationships, and you wouldn't have to invite them.

Our rule was only really serious relationships, not people who are casually dating someone. Others choose other distinctions; this is what works for us and our guests.

We're also really, really, really trying to not change our guest list post-STDs. We'll see...

Good luck!

achiduck · June 2012

I hate to be the one to say it, but you really should have looked into relationship statuses when you sent STDs or at least left extra room for it.

Since the venue can fit 200, provided it's in your budget I would allow those in relationships to bring their SO. If it's your 15 year old cousin's boyfriend then that is something you can pretty gracefully avoid.

Or if you're really going to break etiquette on this one you need to have a blanket rule like "no one under 18 is allowed a date" and stick to it.

megagliardi · June 2012

We set the rule that if you aren't living together, sorry. It avoids that but I have a girlfriend... NOW.... but really you've broken up and gotten back together 18 times, and I've never actually met him/her..

We still have had a few pop up that we weren't anticipating, who NOW are living together and we haven't sent the invites yet - or someone who was told they could bring so and so by someone who had no business saying such a thing.

As people get married, they will understand the issue, so if you can't invite with a plus one. don't. Realize that at least one of these people will BRING THEM ANYWAY. So frustrating.

LDubHawksFan · June 2012

I disagree with trying to set a line of how serious the relationship is. Especially if it's something like not living together. I'm not super conservative and live with FI, but what if a friend had been dating a guy for several years but didn't want to move in before marriage? We only have a handful of friends that we don't have a +1 allocated right now, but if we find out they are dating someone, they will be invited too.

OP, at least you didn't set your STD list right at 200, and it sounds like you have some flexibility. I think right before invites go out, find out if they are truly in a relationship and add the bf/gf

mlperkins12 · June 2012

We planned for a plus one for any single guest over the age of 18. FI has some nieces and nephews who are in high school and have a SO, but we felt that they would come with their parents to a family wedding.

ericaandtom2012 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_is-anyone-else-having-this-issue-if-so-what-are-you-doing-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:8c3faa93-5130-4e0d-9609-e52ebf52e5b5Post:3b0f812b-ee13-4a70-a3f4-f3a122171ea4">Re: Is anyone else having this issue, if so, what are you doing about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with trying to set a line of how serious the relationship is. Especially if it's something like not living together. I'm not super conservative and live with FI, but what if a friend had been dating a guy for several years but didn't want to move in before marriage? We only have a handful of friends that we don't have a +1 allocated right now, but if we find out they are dating someone, they will be invited too. OP, at least you didn't set your STD list right at 200, and it sounds like you have some flexibility. I think right before invites go out, find out if they are truly in a relationship and add the bf/gf
Posted by lwoehlk[/QUOTE]

<div>All of this. My FI and I were dating for over 5 years before we moved in together. Neither one of us would have attended a wedding without the other after the first few months of dating. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, you have some space and around 2 months before your invitations go out. Some relationships may end before then and some new ones may start. You need to make the effort to accommodate your guests' significant others, whether the relationship is 2 months old or 2 years old.</div>

snuff9861 · June 2012

I am so over trying to keep up with everyone's social life. Take Fi's cousin for example. I've known him for 9 years and he's never had a girlfriend in that time. So Monday night, I seal his envelop on his wedding invitation and I kid you not about 30 seconds later facebook announces he's in a relationship facepalm. I'm still sending out his invite and rsvp card with just him on it. I don't feel the need to invite a girlfriend who hasn't been around as long as the milk in my fridge. Now if she is still around closer to the wedding I will let him know he is welcome to bring her. And then there are two long term coulples that have broken up, had to redo their invites! Yeesh people. I know you all have lives but I seriously cannot keep up.

had26 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_is-anyone-else-having-this-issue-if-so-what-are-you-doing-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:8c3faa93-5130-4e0d-9609-e52ebf52e5b5Post:cf9a89eb-d03d-44da-8448-46666a7c6123">Re:Is anyone else having this issue, if so, what are you doing about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so over trying to keep up with everyone's social life. Take Fi's cousin for example. I've known him for 9 years and he's never had a girlfriend in that time. So Monday night, I seal his envelop on his wedding invitation and I kid you not about 30 seconds later facebook announces he's in a relationship facepalm. I'm still sending out his invite and rsvp card with just him on it. I don't feel the need to invite a girlfriend who hasn't been around as long as the milk in my fridge. Now if she is still around closer to the wedding I will let him know he is welcome to bring her. And then there are two long term coulples that have broken up, had to redo their invites! Yeesh people. I know you all have lives but I seriously cannot keep up.
Posted by snuff9861[/QUOTE]

This is how I feel. I don't have time to call and ask every single person on our list if they have a bf or gf. No one did that for me when I was dating and got invited sans date a few times! If I was thinking I would have just added a plus one for them to begin with to avoid this. I know it will work out and will most likely be able to have those singles bring their SO. Just annoying is all!! T

Thanks for all of the input on this. It's helpful to know I'm not the only one feeling this way or to have some different opinions to help me with mine!

BrittneyRN · June 2012

You really need to invite any SOs, no matter how "serious" you deem it to be. FI and I don't live together yet. There are a lot if serious couples who don't live together. I allowed enough room in my budget in case any single people were in relationships by the time of the wedding.

CarolineandDean · June 2012

Lenth of time cannot determine the seriousness of a relationship. It is not our place to judge someone else's relationship based on how long they have been together. Some couples get very serious after only a few monts. FI and I did.

Invite everyone's SO. Truly single people do not need a +1, but you really shouldn't split up a social unit. Think of how you would feel if before you were engaged, your then BF was invited to a wedding without you.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

There are a couple girls on my guest list who are purposefully trying to find a BF before my wedding so they can bring them. We'll see how that goes. I want them to find someone like I have, but using my wedding as a timeline seems a bit silly especially since one is a BM and will be preoccupied during the ceremony and dinner and the other one knows other guests at the wedding. Oh well, we'll see what happens before October!

lehc723 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_is-anyone-else-having-this-issue-if-so-what-are-you-doing-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:8c3faa93-5130-4e0d-9609-e52ebf52e5b5Post:5b79a607-51d0-42a2-bdb2-45a44c7facc9">Re: Is anyone else having this issue, if so, what are you doing about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is anyone else having this issue, if so, what are you doing about it? : All of this. My FI and I were dating for over 5 years before we moved in together. Neither one of us would have attended a wedding without the other after the first few months of dating. OP, you have some space and around 2 months before your invitations go out. Some relationships may end before then and some new ones may start. You need to make the effort to accommodate your guests' significant others, whether the relationship is 2 months old or 2 years old.
Posted by ericaandtom2012[/QUOTE]
I concur, which is why I think that OP (and all of us, really) need to decide what works best for their wedding and their guests. Pick a rule or distinction (dating more than a month, living together, I've met both of them, whatever) that's going to work best for the majority of your guests, and then stick to that.

snuff9861 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_is-anyone-else-having-this-issue-if-so-what-are-you-doing-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:8c3faa93-5130-4e0d-9609-e52ebf52e5b5Post:293d80e1-003c-493d-ae53-9e0ceab784b5">Re: Is anyone else having this issue, if so, what are you doing about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]Lenth of time cannot determine the seriousness of a relationship. It is not our place to judge someone else's relationship based on how long they have been together.<strong> Some couples get very serious after only a few monts.</strong> FI and I did. Invite everyone's SO. Truly single people do not need a +1, but you really shouldn't split up a social unit. Think of how you would feel if before you were engaged, your then BF was invited to a wedding without you.
Posted by CarolineandDean[/QUOTE]

And I have zero problem with this. But a relationship that is now 4 days old is not serious, I don't care who you are. Like I said above, if she is still around come say....the end of August I will call him up and tell him she is more than welcome to come. But I will not pay good money to feed someone's flavour of the week.

megagliardi · June 2012

Yeah, actually I should qualify my rule stating that 1) most of our friends are already married and 2) if they were a "social unit", we did invite them both - but each got their own invite. If anything had happened before the wedding, each of them would be invited on their own.

We were also at capacity, are venue fits 170, we are at 165, so we had to draw a line somewhere and avoid the, i've never met your significant other and you have a new girlfriend every week - type of situations.

Ividian · June 2012

I'm allowing a plus one for almost everybody, most of them are married or in a serious long-term relationship. However, I am not inviting plus ones for the few younger cousins I have that are younger than 20. I know I'll get at least one phone call about this as my sister did the same thing at her wedding a few years ago and one of our aunts called about her son's girlfriend, but I had the draw a line and I'd rather have my aunts, uncles, counsins, and close friends there and not my 18 year old cousin's girlfriend, you know what I mean?

LDubHawksFan · June 2012

That is true, I understand constraints. Most people we are inviting are married so it's easy that way. I guess I did have a hard time with some of my family though. I have two cousins that are just over 18 and although they have newer boyfriends, neither STD had a plus one. However, both are flying out with their parents, so I don't think they would have brought the boys. It's a tough decision regardless and as long as you are fair across the board, then I think that is fine, but relationships are hard.

CFM102012 · June 2012

Anyone over 18 who is in a relationship when the invites go out will have their SO invited. If they enter a relationship after that we'll have to see. I'd like to be able to invite new bf/gf's but it'll come down to numbers I do have at least one friend who (assuming she can come at all, she has a potential conflict) will be coming quite a distance so I've already told her she can bring a friend.

ewithnell · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_is-anyone-else-having-this-issue-if-so-what-are-you-doing-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:8c3faa93-5130-4e0d-9609-e52ebf52e5b5Post:e9052f36-4e98-4506-b20d-42cc88d36abc">Re: Is anyone else having this issue, if so, what are you doing about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is anyone else having this issue, if so, what are you doing about it? : I concur, which is why I think that OP (and all of us, really)<strong> need to decide what works best for their wedding and their guests</strong>. Pick a rule or distinction (dating more than a month, living together, I've met both of them, whatever) that's going to work best for the majority of your guests, and then stick to that.
Posted by lehc723[/QUOTE]

<div>I completely agree. I came up with the rule that only the BP is allowed to bring a +1, otherwise everyone else who is on our guestlist, if I knew they were in a serious relationship, their SO was already invited (ie, cousin's gf who is now FI, best man's gf who is now FI, etc)</div>

Is anyone else having this issue, if so, what are you doing about it?

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