Why..

DTZYBLNDBARBIE · September 2011

First off, let me start out by saying my grammar might not be exactly on point tonight because I'm so upset. A little background info until I get to the major story.. I'm 21 years old, just started my first year of college with a goal of being an RN with a bachelors degree. I still live at home. I am a full time nanny to my two year old twin brother and sister (plus sometimes a ten year old sister).

My fiancé and I just recently got engaged in June and we have been dating for a year on the 28th of August. We have set a tentative date of October 13, 2012. I am extremely excited to plan the wedding, like I think everyone is but my mom seems to have a different opinion. When anything is said about the wedding or I mention going here to look at wedding stuff (which I haven't gotten to do) my mother will just roll her eyes and refused to talk about it.. She says that my fiancé is a good guy but he is uneducated (he is in his second semester of college) and she thinks I'm just with him cause I don't think I can find anyone else. Which I have told her several times thats not the case.

This is suppose to be a very joyous time and I see things that mothers and daughters do together, like shop for wedding dresses. With the way my mother is acting I'm not sure she will even go, this has caused me to go into like depression. I only plan on getting married once and I would really like for her to be involved. Has anyone else had this problem where the mother just absolutely refuses to even talk about it? Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with it? Im sorry this is sorta long and sorry for any grammatically mistakes.

AutumnFair · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9a74afa4-0328-4d34-99a9-4028f291c782Post:7713db79-7993-4816-8598-5503c2888109">Why..</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, let me start out by saying my grammar might not be exactly on point tonight because I'm so upset. A little background info until I get to the major story.. I'm 21 years old, just started my first year of college with a goal of being an RN with a bachelors degree. I still live at home. I am a full time nanny to my two year old twin brother and sister (plus sometimes a ten year old sister). My fiancé and I just recently got engaged in June and we have been dating for a year on the 28th of August. We have set a tentative date of October 13, 2012. I am extremely excited to plan the wedding, like I think everyone is but my mom seems to have a different opinion. When anything is said about the wedding or I mention going here to look at wedding stuff (which I haven't gotten to do) my mother will just roll her eyes and refused to talk about it.. She says that my fiancé is a good guy but he is uneducated (he is in his second semester of college) and she thinks I'm just with him cause I don't think I can find anyone else. Which I have told her several times thats not the case. This is suppose to be a very joyous time and I see things that mothers and daughters do together, like shop for wedding dresses. With the way my mother is acting I'm not sure she will even go, this has caused me to go into like depression. I only plan on getting married once and I would really like for her to be involved. Has anyone else had this problem where the mother just absolutely refuses to even talk about it? Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with it? Im sorry this is sorta long and sorry for any grammatically mistakes.
Posted by DTZYBLNDBARBIE[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Parents are protectors of their children and even though you are an adult. She is still worried about your future. You dated for a year, both of you are still in school and will still be in school when you get married, You don't mention if your FI lives at home with his parents but if he does it's probably another thing on your mother's lists that probably concerns her when it comes to both of you being independent. Hopefully you can see from a third parties eyes where your mom is coming from.</div><div>
</div><div>Now onto what you asked. You really can't do much to involve her if she does not want to be involved. Just like how she can't force you to not get married, you can't force her to magically become excited and on board with wedding planning. Plus some mothers out there are just like yours and just aren't excited about wedding stuff. The best thing to do is just move on without them and find a friend or family member who does enjoy wedding stuff be involve. Yes, I know it must really suck but don't let her feelings and non-actions get in the way of being happy and planning for your wedding. Hopefully as time goes on she will slowly start to be more open and willing to be involve with the wedding.

</div>

Muffin'sMom · September 2011

Mom here....

It's hard to let our children go out into the world, especially if we are not sure that they are ready...and it's hard to let go emaotionally! We spend all our time protecting, even before our children are born...kindergarten, high school, college, first apartment away from home and then marriage are all big steps away from a place where we feel we can still protect the one that will always be our baby.

Her attitude may come from that place. You are young, you have no means of support outside of the family, and live at home. You are your FI are at least 3 years from both being done with your educations. I would be concerned too. You have wonderful plans for your education and your future. Your mom wouldn't want anything to get in the way of that.

I know you love him, and I'm sure he feels the same. I'm sure that your mom would be more excited if you set the date for a little farther down the line, made bigger steps in the plan for your future, and showed that you were ready to be completely on your own.

It may not be that she is uninterested or disapproves...she may just be worried for her little girl.

DTZYBLNDBARBIE · September 2011

My FI is 26 is living back at home with his parents to save money for the wedding right now. It really makes me mad cause she will put him down. She acts like he's stupid. As far as going to look at wedding stuff with someone else, she would be extremely mad about it because she doesn't like I need to be worried about it. Also she makes it to where I can't go look at stuff. I totaled my car in February, who would have thought I still wouldn't have a car now. I can't go get one by myself because I don't have enough credit plus they have my insurance money from my past car that she refuses to give me. She treats me like I'm 16. I have a curfew on the weekends, I cant go out any during the week. He can't stay here, which I understand since there are little kids here. I can't stay anywhere with him at all. There are things that he wants to do out of time, for example. We went to St. Louis for a motocross thing which is a good 4 hours away from my house. It wasn't over till later and we of course had to make that long drive home so that I could try to be home by my curfew.

covejack · September 2011

You're 21 and you have a curfew? I suggest you move out of your family home so your mother can see you as an adult. Also, you won't have time to be a nanny while in nursing school, you just won't.

AutumnFair · September 2011

I agree, it might be tough and you might have to make certain sacrifices but I would move out. So instead of having to nanny your siblings and not be paid, you can get a job where you are actually being paid and become independent from your parents, and you won't be easily controlled by your mother. I would suggest talking to your FI about even delaying or down sizing the wedding and move in together if you are pretty broke. I know it sucks to hear, but if you are having all this trouble of being free because your tied down to your parent's financial help then it is time to take the big transition of going out on your own to survive.

DTZYBLNDBARBIE · September 2011

My parents actually pay me every week to watch them. Its the same amount of money I was making when I was workin at lowes. As far as moving in with him, I'm from the south so it's kinda against our beliefs. I will not move in with him until I am married..

lindseyann410 · September 2011

How do you and your FI plan on supporting yourselves once you are married? That can be tough while you are both students still.

DTZYBLNDBARBIE · September 2011

He is just taking online classes while he is having to work second shift at his job. From what we have agreed on he will be the only one working so that I can take as many classes as possible then once he is either on first shirt or I'm done with classes he will begin taken more. He is going for a PTA so that's just a two year problem.

Muffin'sMom · September 2011

Everything you have said reinforces my response to you. Prove that you are an independent adult, and that he is too. Until you can, I would have to agree with your mother. You said:

My FI is 26 is living back at home with his parents to save money for the wedding right now. It really makes me mad cause she will put him down. She acts like he's stupid. He's still at home to save money for the wedding? What about for a house, a car, his education?

Also she makes it to where I can't go look at stuff. I totaled my car in February, who would have thought I still wouldn't have a car now. I can't go get one by myself because I don't have enough credit plus they have my insurance money from my past car that she refuses to give me. If it was your car, then the check for the insurance claim would be in your name. Since it's not, it seems that the car must have belonged to them.

She treats me like I'm 16. I have a curfew on the weekends, I cant go out any during the week. He can't stay here, which I understand since there are little kids here. I can't stay anywhere with him at all. She can do all of this because you are living in her home, her rules, and on her dime. I am no different. When you make the mortgage payment...you get to make the rules.

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear. Living as an independent adult in a committed and positive relationship takes work and sacrifice. If you aren't willing to make the hard choices, then you aren't ready to get married.

Good luck with whatever plan you chose....

saric83 · September 2011

I would definitely consider waiting a bit longer for the wedding and get a car with insurance in your own name and move out first! In my world, these are very important steps to take BEFORE you get married. You certainly don't have to move in with him, but get your own little studio apartment somewhere or get a female roommate and get a place. Take the time to prove that you can be an adult on your own before becoming someone's wife, and I bet your mom will come around quite a bit with the planning. Good luck! : )

covejack · September 2011

You really need to start a life of your own independent of your parents if you're expecting to be treated like an adult. They're treating you like a child because you're letting them.

zitiqueen · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9a74afa4-0328-4d34-99a9-4028f291c782Post:403e8025-0a35-4c8c-bd8e-8662cb75f9d3">Re: Why..</a>:
[QUOTE]He is just taking online classes while he is having to work second shift at his job. From what we have agreed on he will be the only one working so that I can take as many classes as possible then once he is either on first shirt or I'm done with classes he will begin taken more. He is going for a PTA so that's just a two year problem.
Posted by DTZYBLNDBARBIE[/QUOTE]

He's going to be able to support both of you? At the job he has now, he's going to be able to afford to purchase two cars, keep gas in both tanks, keep up on any repairs, put food on the table, clothes on your backs, a roof over your head, keep the lights and heat on, plus pay for both tuitions all by himself?

Yeah. I see why your mom is concerned.

DTZYBLNDBARBIE · September 2011

He has a car thats paid for, he's school is also paid for.. We are just renting an apt because we arent wanting to buy a house because we don't know where his job might take us.

The car was in the process of being switched over to my name the week I wreck the stupid thing.

Now I have been out on my own. Moved out right after I turned 18. I didn't come back home till she had the twins. The reason I came back home then was so that I could help with the twins and my ten year old while she finished getting her bachelors degree, which she is still working on now. Plus if they can pay me what I would make if I had a job, I think this is better that way I wouldn't have to worry about working and being a full time college student. I highly doubt I would be able to work full time which is what it would take to have a place of my own since apartments around here are seven hundred dollars a month. I don't have enough "girl" friends that need or are looking to get a place to stay. If I worked full time I also wouldn't be able to go to school full time. I had rather be in school than at a job making minimum wage. Just my opinion

zitiqueen · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:9a74afa4-0328-4d34-99a9-4028f291c782Post:5b80653d-9ffd-4489-aff6-13d94cceed36">Re: Why..</a>:
[QUOTE]You really need to start a life of your own independent of your parents if you're expecting to be treated like an adult. They're treating you like a child because you're letting them.
Posted by covejack[/QUOTE]

They're treating her like a child because she hasn't proven that she's an independent adult yet.

Muffin'sMom · September 2011

You have a million reasons to defend the choices you are making...and that's fine. You are an adult and get to make those choices. I will say one more time that given all that you have shared, I can understand your mother's hesitation. Again, good luck in the future!

joyfulhappy1 · September 2011

I read all the comments and all your explanations as to why? Your mother struggles with her own life and she probably doesn't want to see you struggle. What's the rush, you are both young and still in college and really can't afford anything. Weddings are expensive and doesn't sound like either you or your fiance can afford one. Why not postpone the wedding until you both finish college and if your relationship is a good and strong one you will both be more prepared to handle the stresses of life. Not saying that you can't now, but sometimes making plans on what might be can get you into alot of trouble and cause alot of heartache. Its better to get yourself on solid ground yourself before involving anyone else into your life. But sounds like you don't really want advice you just want someone to agree with you or sympathize with you as to why your mother is being sooooo unreasonable. She's being a mom and watching out for your best interests, listen to her it will benefit you

NurseyK · September 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_why?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:9a74afa4-0328-4d34-99a9-4028f291c782Post:0db483fe-8437-45d8-9de5-29c11089f199">Re: Why..</a>:
[QUOTE]He has a car thats paid for, he's school is also paid for.. We are just renting an apt because we arent wanting to buy a house because we don't know where his job might take us. The car was in the process of being switched over to my name the week I wreck the stupid thing. Now I have been out on my own. Moved out right after I turned 18. I didn't come back home till she had the twins. The reason I came back home then was so that I could help with the twins and my ten year old while she finished getting her bachelors degree, which she is still working on now. Plus if they can pay me what I would make if I had a job, I think this is better that way I wouldn't have to worry about working and being a full time college student. I highly doubt I would be able to work full time which is what it would take to have a place of my own since apartments around here are seven hundred dollars a month. I don't have enough "girl" friends that need or are looking to get a place to stay. If I worked full time I also wouldn't be able to go to school full time. I had rather be in school than at a job making minimum wage. Just my opinion
Posted by DTZYBLNDBARBIE[/QUOTE]

Yep, being a grown up and paying your way through life/school is hard work. It sounds to me like you haven't embraced that yet. I totally agree with muffinsmom.

Kate61487 · September 2011

you've only been together a year. I honestly know where you're coming from; H and I met freshman year of college and within a year of dating I was completely sure that I wanted to marry him. But we waited. We both graduated, got jobs, and THEN we started planning our wedding. and I can honestly say I am SO glad we waited. we are in such a better place emotionally and financially. college is stressful. Living on your own is stressful. Full time relationships are stressful. Putting all of that together at one time, for the first time? don't put yourself through that. enjoy dating, enjoy your college experience. As an added bonus I'm sure your mom will be happier for you when she's more confident you'll be able to take care of yourselves.

Soon2BeMrsTing · September 2011

My advice would be to delay getting married until at least one of you is finished with school and has steady work. Money problems deteriorate many good marriages. Do everything you can to get yourselves on sound financial footing before you say your vows.

My younger brother and his wife married at twenty. Today, they are twenty-two, both out of school (he finished a B.S. in computer science one semester early; she just completed a M.L.S. after getting her B.S. in physiology/neuobiology in only two years). They were working steadily while they were in school, and they continue to work hard now that they are finished. Odds seemed to be against them, but they are doing well.

Another couple I know got married just before their senior year of college. They graduated from a prestigious university, yet now with a new baby they are having a hard time in their marriage due to money-related issues.

It's not impossible for couples to do well after marrying young, but there are pressures we all face where we are just starting to work and to get ourselves situated professionally and financially. H and I were blessed to begin dating at twenty-six and to marry at twenty-eight. Having had six years of modest but steady income set us up well when we were ready to commit to each other.

Good luck.

Why..

Re: Why..

Choose Another Board

Search Boards