How did you tell your close friends they weren't in your BP?

brunettepride00 · December 2010

HELP MEE!

I am having a decent sized bridal party-6 girls. I already asked those 6 six girls. Some are family and a couple are my friends I see the most often/who know my fiance the best. I have a couple of best friends that aren't in the birdal party though... I think one of them is really expecting to be. What did you do in this sort of position? Do I bring it up to them or do I let them ask me eventually...? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings-they all mean a lot to me!!

I have read that it is rude to ask friends like this to man the guestbook or the gift table, so I don't know what else to do!!!

bethsmiles · December 2010

Don't bring it up. If they ask or mention it just say that you already asked your BP. If they press further just tell them that you are excited for them to attend your wedding as a guest and assure them they will still be invited to the pre-wedding parties.

If they are mature they won't freak out about it.

heyimbren · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_did-tell-close-friends-werent-bp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:684Discussion:32fa9ba5-9d91-4d49-b9b3-b1eeda7f63b7Post:64fdd307-3906-41d5-a6ec-0666173f8828">How did you tell your close friends they weren't in your BP?</a>:
[QUOTE]HELP MEE! I am having a decent sized bridal party-6 girls. I already asked those 6 six girls. Some are family and a couple are my friends I see the most often/who know my fiance the best. I have a couple of best friends that aren't in the birdal party though... I think one of them is really expecting to be. What did you do in this sort of position? Do I bring it up to them or do I let them ask me eventually...? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings-they all mean a lot to me!! I have read that it is rude to ask friends like this to man the guestbook or the gift table, so I don't know what else to do!!!
Posted by brunettepride00[/QUOTE]

Don't bring it up, like Beth said. If they come out and ask, then just say that you've already asked your wedding party and bean dip (aka- move away from the topic). If you bring it up, it almost sounds like you're rubbing it in, KWIM?

Also, don't have them man the guestbook or gift table. Pity jobs like that aren't any fun, they're just filler. Being a guest is an honour too.

LauraT25 · December 2010

I agree with the PPs. I'm a little confused though, about how you picked your bridesmaids. Maybe I'm reading your post wrong, but it sounds like some of your best friends didn't get chosen, and you picked girls that you aren't as close to, but see more often and/or know your fiance better. I could be wrong, and you actually have several 'best friends' to choose from and they didn't make the cut. But if I'm right, I could see how they may be a bit surprised at the choice.

However, the choice has been made, and you can't un-ask the other girls so I would just do as PPs suggested.

brunettepride00 · December 2010

Thanks girls! It's good to get the advice from other brides who are going through the same thing. I've had suggestions from people who have told me to bring it up to them and tell them.

Laura, the friends I didn't ask are my best friends from high school, who I only see when I'm back home. I'm away at college out of state now... So the friends I did ask to be in the BP I see most often, and they are also my best friends, I guess I just have a lot that I feel close to. But I asked the girls who I have felt the most consistently close with lately. These girls are also closer with my FI so it makes it that much more meaningful. I still feel bad about the other couple of friends from back home

I obviously care about them a lot, too. It's super hard!

Do you guys have any other suggestions on ways to get them involved that ARE NOT the tidious tasks that seem more annoying than an honor to help with? Haha...

LauraT25 · December 2010

Ok, I see what you're saying. I do think that it's fine to have bridesmaids that live far away if you still consider them your best friends, but in your case you ARE close with the girls you picked, and you don't need a huge bridal party!

As for other jobs - this is tough since they don't live near you. Often brides invite friends to go dress/accessory shopping, cake tasting, etc, but that doesn't seem like an option. I think it's important to include friends in the FUN stuff, and not just enlist them in chores (as in, don't only contact them to help stuff envelopes or tie ribbons on favors - though that doesn't really apply for you). Since your friends will likely not be able to physically go to the more 'fun' appointments with you, I would recommend just keeping them in the loop on your more interesting plans.

Try to strike a balance between making them feel included and overwhelming them with boring details - for example, send them a few proofs from your engagement photos, a picture of a centerpiece mock-up, a sneak peek at your dress, or ask their opinion on a few cake flavors you're deciding between. Don't ask them about invitation wording or fonts for your monogram (though it's fine to show them the finished product) - that kind of tedious stuff is best left to TK!

Maybe you could extend an invitation to the rehearsal dinner or ask them if they'd like to come early to grab lunch with you the day before, or see if they can get brunch the day after (I don't know your current plans, maybe that's already happening on a larger scale). We had two very close friends that we hadn't seen in a few years come in for our wedding, and we got together with just them for lunch the day after the wedding, since we were still in town, because we wanted to really get a chance to catch up with the two of them.

brunettepride00 · December 2010

Thanks Laura, your advice is really helpful! Especially since you already went through the whole entire process. I will definitely try to do that stuff.

GJones27 · December 2010

I did things a little differently. I'm part of a trio of best friends: me, a girl friend, and a gay guy friend. The girl will be a bridesmaid, but the guy won't be. I really, really wanted the guy as a groomsman, but we already had more guys than girls. I ended up just explaining to my gay guy friend that we had 11 guys worthy to include and only 5 girls, so we couldn't include everyone as much as we wanted to. We ended up selecting my fiance's friends as groosmen, as they are all travelling from Brazil to be at the wedding. And even so, there will be an inbalance of guys to girls, with more of the former.

My gay guy friend was really understanding but naturally disappointed, but I think he understood and is still really happy to be attending the wedding. But the thought of not telling him didn't seem right to me.... I knew he would be wondering why he wasn't included, and I didn't want him thinking he wasn't "good enough" of a friend. But I plan to include him in the rehersal dinner, as I highly value his friendship. But I understand that this might not be the most proper thing to do.

MTMOM7 · December 2010

Ive been in this situation...wait...I AM...was...whatever...ANYWAY...
I have a BP of 3, my cousin whos like a sister to me, a very close friend, and one of my best friends. Why not my other best friend instead of the close friend? Because I know she wouldnt be able to do it, mostly financially speaking. I told her straight up, the reason I didnt ask was because I didnt want her to get down on herself for being in the bind that she is, and being able to get money to participate (dress, travel, etc). Her and my MOH live 12 hrs from me and we are all friends but my MOH doesnt have vehicle room for 4 adults and 4 kids. Shes cool about it and understands..I wasnt in her wedding. Her parents were her wedding party. My other best friend lives even further away(15 hrs) but has known me longer and has the money, time, and is my wedding planner (of sorts). The other friend...she lives 4 hours away and is doing MOH things for my MOH. So...all that being said....maybe just say "hey BTW, if your wondering"....and give your reasons. If they are true friends they will undestand your reasoning.

vicki0508 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_students_did-tell-close-friends-werent-bp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:684Discussion:32fa9ba5-9d91-4d49-b9b3-b1eeda7f63b7Post:effc17bc-dbaf-473f-a651-8d92c081e41a">Re: How did you tell your close friends they weren't in your BP?</a>:
[QUOTE]I did things a little differently. I'm part of a trio of best friends: me, a girl friend, and a gay guy friend. The girl will be a bridesmaid, but the guy won't be. I really, really wanted the guy as a groomsman, but we already had more guys than girls. I ended up just explaining to my gay guy friend that we had 11 guys worthy to include and only 5 girls, so we couldn't include everyone as much as we wanted to. We ended up selecting my fiance's friends as groosmen, as they are all travelling from Brazil to be at the wedding. And even so, there will be an inbalance of guys to girls, with more of the former. My gay guy friend was really understanding but naturally disappointed, but I think he understood and is still really happy to be attending the wedding. But the thought of not telling him didn't seem right to me.... I knew he would be wondering why he wasn't included, and I didn't want him thinking he wasn't "good enough" of a friend. But I plan to include him in the rehersal dinner, as I highly value his friendship. But I understand that this might not be the most proper thing to do.
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]
Why can't he stand up on your side? He can wear the same tux as the groomsmen, maybe a different tie or something. It seems weird to disinclude him just because he's a guy and because you want even sides.

It doesn't have to be all girls on the bride's side, and it doesn't have to be all boys on the groom's side. And the sides don't have to be even. So many posibilities!

brunettepride00 · December 2010

The hard thing is you can never seem to please everyone! Haha. And you want everyone to enjoy your big day just as much as you do!

SCogs18 · December 2010

Could you include them by having them do a reading during the ceremony?

lmd9188 · December 2010

I just got engaged two months ago after dating my FI for almost 5 years. We are both still in college and will be graduating in May so decided to wait for a while until we actually get married. We set a date but it’s like 3 years away. My college roommate and her sister are already “calling” that they get to be bridesmaids! I have female cousins, a sister not to mention my FI’s family and the ton of friends that we have. We’ve been together since high school and have actually set up a lot of your friends and we’ve known them for a really long time. My roommate and her sister have only been in my life for a little over a year and they just assume that because we live in the same suite on campus that we are BFFs. I feel bad saying anything to them because they are REALLY immature. They have never had boyfriends, kissed anyone, gotten drunk and did something stupid, nothing! Not to mention that they are really up my a$$ 24/7. They are always asking where I’m going and what I’m doing and keep begging me to bring them to a college party because all they ever do it sit in their room. I think you guys know the kind of ppl I’m dealing with. How am I supposed to tell them that they are not going to be in my BP? The same weekend that I got engaged they went out and bought heals so that they could practice walking in them! My current plan is to just stop talking to them after graduation but they really are sweet girls and I feel bad. When I send out invitations they are going to ask me about being in the BP. I was thinking about having them read something at the ceremony but I’m catholic and having a traditional ceremony and they’re Jewish. Oh and don’t forget that they are buying bridal magazines to pick out what kind of dresses they want to wear! And reminding me that it shouldn’t cost a lot of money because they are “cheap”

lmd9188 · December 2010

yeah i'm a senior in college now and we really want to keep our anniversary which is april 12th but 2012 is just too soon after graduation and i'm going to be paying off loans and i feel that 2013 is just unlucky lol so we're going 2014.... i'll be 25 so i think thats a good age. i've been trying to talk to the twins but they just emailed me yestarday saying that they've signed up for ballroom dance lessons over winter break so they can be ready to dance at the wedding like wtf! its crazy lol

brunettepride00 · December 2010

Ohhh my goodness haha. Well yah it's hard, but seriously, you have so much time until you even have to choose who is in your bridal party! Things could change in that much time, you could have a coworker who becomes a close friend, for example. And you could completely lose touch with the twins. I know it's awkward right now but I don't think you'll have to worry about it after school

How did you tell your close friends they weren't in your BP?

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