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Bridesmaid and mother both being too intense!

LesleyLynnLesleyLynn
10 Comments
in Wedding Party
So one of my bridesmaids is driving me crazy, and I no longer know what to do!!!

It all started with the bridesmaid dresses. My fiance and I chose black dresses, since my wedding dress has a little black belt and we though it would be a cute little match. She started going off on how black is an aweful color for a bridesmaid dress, that it's only for clubbing or funerals.. She continued to push all these different colors on me, to the point of endlessly sending me mutiple emails with pictures. I can understand her wanting to help, but after weeks of us saying we really want black, she is still pushing what she wants.. I also wanted to get the dresses in the area where we live. But she is pushing David's Bridal on us non stop (the closest one is 3 hrs away from where we all live!).. I don't want to order dresses that we cannot see in person, or try on, but she does not get that! She actually drove down to the states on her own, and then was mad at me when she didn't like the dresses... Um, I never asked her to go down there. My MOH and 3 other bridesmaids want to actually try on the dresses!!
Then is was the wedding favors. I got something that I think is super sweet. But no, she thinks something else would be better, something she likes more.
Then, it was the food we chose..
Then it was that I chose purple flowers for my bouquet and a different color for the bridesmaids bouquets.
It's a never ending story! It feels like she is planning her own wedding through ours, and she's not even engaged!

Then, it's my mom..
She didn't want my MOH, sister-in-law or mother-in-law there when I chose my dress. She only wanted it to be her.. She does not want to sit at the same table as my father (they got divorced when I was 2). She's upset that she is not walking me down the aisle (I'm walking myself down and fiance will meet me half way). She's upset that my fiance and I picked our own DJ, cake and flowers without asking her opinion first. She's mad that my mother-in-law got me earring for the wedding... I love my mom to bits, but there is just so much I can take on!

When did this stop being our wedding????

Sorry for the rant, but a girl's got to let it out, and better here than to them!
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Re: Bridesmaid and mother both being too intense!

  • caithlinmcaithlinm
    First Comment
    Wow! I'm sorry that people are being so ridiculous about this. I wish I had really good advice. The best I can think of is to just remind yourself that they are doing this because they really want your day to be perfect. I think trying to determine any other negative intention will just make you more upset. Also be happy that your FI is so supportive of your choices.
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  • CharDrahosCharDrahos member
    10 Comments
    Yikes. 

    Perhaps maybe sit down with the bridesmaid and tell her that her constant pushing is making you upset. Some people get so caught up in things or are such control freaks that they don't realize that their actions bug other people.

    If your mom is uncomfortable sitting with your dad at the wedding, you might want to consider having them host different tables. My cousin did that at her wedding since her parents didn't get along and everything worked out fine. Neither of her parents were put into an uncomfortable situation, and from what I understand it's fairly common to do with divorced parents. 

    Maybe mom is upset about not getting a say in the DJ, cake, flowers, etc. because a lot of people that are planning a wedding use it as a time to bond with mom. It's something that a lot of mothers-daughters do, and maybe she feels that you don't value her opinion enough to ask her what she thinks of things. 

    I totally understand about needing to vent about things. Planning a wedding is a lot of pressure. Especially when people are constantly giving unwanted input or getting upset over the things that you do.  The bridesmaid seems like a bit of a kook, but mom might be a little upset about things because she feels excluded. She might've seen this as an opportunity to get closer to you and might be hurt that you're not including her in a lot of things.
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  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    The bridesmaid needs some say in the cost and style of the dress, so you have to listen to her input on those things.

    Other than that, stop sharing the details with her, and ignore her criticisms.

    Your mom sounds dramatic, but throw her a bone and have some quality time with her once or twice in regards to wedding planning.
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  • LesleyLynnLesleyLynn
    10 Comments
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-mother-being-intense?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d83dc175-11fb-4de3-a2ac-7617c6c24d4ePost:bdc7fb2c-a0fb-4cc4-b4fc-6556e5fb69f8">Re: Bridesmaid and mother both being too intense!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>The bridesmaid needs some say in the cost and style of the dress, so you have to listen to her input on those things</strong>. Other than that, stop sharing the details with her, and ignore her criticisms. Your mom sounds dramatic, but throw her a bone and have some quality time with her once or twice in regards to wedding planning.
    Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

    The dresses I like are all WAY under the price of what she is looking at. I wanted the girls to find dresses for under $100. This bridesmaid is looking at dresses that cost about $200 if not more... And I don't care about the style of the dress, I told them that. The only thing my fiance and I want is that the dresses be black... The bridesmaids have free range on style, cut, and the lower the price, the better! That seems to be pretty fair game to me..
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  • peanutty2peanutty2 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    yikes.  she sounds similar to a bm/friend that i have and i know it's not fun.  sounds like you are being very reasonable about things and like you said, she's planning her own wedding through you.  i think i would plainly let her know "we're going with black dresses for the bms, please let me know when you've gotten yours" and that's that.  if she keeps it up i'd just respond wtih that line.  or ignore her.  or if it keeps going, ask her if she still wants to be a bm.  i would also stop discussing other details with her.  it's sad when you have to "hide" something so big in your life from someone who's supposed to be a friend but it might be better to just plunge on and get through this without any major issues with her. 

    as for your mom, i'm guessing she just feels left out.  again, i'm in a similar situation wtih my mom.  i would plan some "just you and mom" time to do things and ask her for advice on whatever you can.  You don't have to take her advice, but i'm sure she'll appreciate being asked for it.  Maybe you can go shopping just you and her for her MOB dress or something like that.  Or for your first wedding dress fitting.  I realized that was all it was with my mom, she just wanted to feel important and included and like I valued her opinion and such.
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  • PinkGold&RosesPinkGold&Roses
    10 Comments
    Wow, they do sound intense.  They need to understand that this is YOUR wedding, not their's.  Is your mom paying for a lot of the wedding? That would make a difference but still, they need to take a step back.  Especially your BM. 
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  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-mother-being-intense?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d83dc175-11fb-4de3-a2ac-7617c6c24d4ePost:4e7ef722-af6c-4f4d-9a0c-a9e18536b0aa">Re: Bridesmaid and mother both being too intense!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid and mother both being too intense! : The dresses I like are all WAY under the price of what she is looking at. I wanted the girls to find dresses for under $100. This bridesmaid is looking at dresses that cost about $200 if not more... And I don't care about the style of the dress, I told them that. The only thing my fiance and I want is that the dresses be black... The bridesmaids have free range on style, cut, and the lower the price, the better! That seems to be pretty fair game to me..
    Posted by LesleyLynn[/QUOTE]

    O.K., then in that case, it's not bridezilla of you to say, "Find the style you want, but I want them to be black." End of conversation.
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  • Cynthia1207Cynthia1207 member
    1000 Comments
    There's a simple solution:  Stop talking about the wedding with them.

    Your BM needs to understand that part of being a BM is conforming to the colors of the WP.  If they ALL had a problem with black, then I'd ask myself some questions but if she's the only brat in the pack, then too bad for her.  Black it is!

    Good luck with everything!
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