Sex before wedding?

jrby · November 2010

We have decided, with a bit of protesting on my part at first

, not to have sex for the last three months before the wedding night. Is anyone else planning on waiting until then or taking a break until the wedding night?

naomikb · November 2010

I am not planning on having any long-term abstinence. However, the last week we will likely abstain.

I know one bride who cut off her groom for 2 or 3 months and let me tell you, he was not a happy camper. I think it totally depends on you and your FI, and you should just make sure to do something that is mutually agreeable.

aleighk1 · November 2010

Probably the last week before we won't. Anything longer might be a little embarrassing (the longer we go without it, the shorter it is when we finally have it)

megk8oz · November 2010

I really don't see the point in purposely abstaining if you've already had sex with each other. The way I see it, if you've already done it, you've already done it. Abstaining just because the wedding's coming up doesn't un-"do" it.

The week before the wedding we didn't do it, but it wasn't an intentional decision. We were just incredibly busy and didn't have time.

FutureDondada · November 2010

We originally planned on going without for a month or 2, getting off the pill, and attempting baby making on the honeymoon. Buuut as time got closer we decided we werent ready for that step just yet. I just went back to school, and the wedding will set us back a bit with $$. So Ill probably make him wait a week :-D

trix1223 · November 2010

The only time I think that no sex before the wedding actually makes sense is if you and your FI have never had sex yet. Creating an artificial "virginity" just seems silly and pointless to me.

If you're sexually active, why try to pretend you're not? And honestly, I don't think that manufactured abstinance will make your wedding night any more "special" for you.

jrby · November 2010

His thinking was that it would make it more special and anticipated since it had been a while. 3 months may be a bit long however! :S

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

Periods of abstinence don't make things more exciting for us. Unless DH has been taking care of business in the meantime, they just mean that Round 1 lasts about 30 seconds. Not really how you want to remember your wedding night, eh?

We had sex the morning of the wedding, and it was lovely. A great way to connect and relax to start the day. We, like 52% of couples, did not end up having sex that night, and it was fine because we didn't feel all this pressure to do it. Our sex life is an important part of our relationship, but we don't bring in all these weird expectations or create instances where having sex is to fulfill some other purpose.

I have never understood, and will never understand, the mentality that artificially imposing a dry spell somehow makes it more special. I don't think there's anything on earth that could make sex with my husband more special, and that certainly applied before the wedding as well.

AdeleDazeem · November 2010

Honestly, I'm with Aerin. I'd like to have some wedding morning sex. Let's all just relax a little before a crazy day. :-)

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

Do it, Joy. It was better than a massage, and just helped us get in a fun, laid-back headspace that I think really set the mood for the whole day.

redheadfsu · November 2010

I think it is silly & pointless to abstain. I think it would make everything worse, not better (like stress, the wedding night, etc).

DanielleZZ · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:2534b471-6fc1-46fe-bded-07260d70c57ePost:a88c9be4-3024-42ed-94f1-c0e6b801e45f">Re: Sex before wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I'm with Aerin. I'd like to have some wedding morning sex. Let's all just relax a little before a crazy day. :-)
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I would love to do this but my mother is insisting i spend the night before the wedding with her! I have tried to tell i want to wake up with him but she doesnt get it any advice on how to convince her?

I think going a little bit of time without sex is a cute idea but i wouldnt make it longer than 1 month.

MyNameIsNot · November 2010

Nope. We didn't the day before or morning of because there were far too many people around, but it wasn't deliberate. Sex was a great stress reliever and great to reconnect in the busy weeks leading up to the wedding.

Once you've rung that bell, you can't un-ring it. And setting a record for shortest time ever is not my idea of how to make the wedding night more special.

meganyani · November 2010

"And setting a record for shortest time ever is not my idea of how to make the wedding night more special."

HAHA

We didn't 'abstain'. How funny. I would never impose something like that on someone I love just for the hell of it.

blackjewel136 · November 2010

I know it's been said plenty of times already, but it can't be said enough: abstaining for a bit beforehand won't make the night more special. My fiance and I have sex pretty regularly and plan to continue to do so, regardless of the wedding. Sex is a healthy part of our relationship. It's a stress reliever and a form intimacy, both of which will be very good to have when we're stressed out due to wedding planning and life.

I like the idea of having wedding morning sex. Since ours is an evening wedding, that would really get our day off to a good start before we part ways to get ready.

alehayes · November 2010

I agree with PPs...it would just make it over quicker, which I guess might not be a bad thing if you're exhausted, but I'd like to enjoy our first time together as husband and wife for longer than 30 seconds.

mrsjustinm2b · November 2010

I have big plans to get some in before photos....i wont even have to put on any blush! hahaha. I think my dress might be a small snafu in those plans though...

NOLAbridealmost · November 2010

DanielleZZ,

I understand the pressure to do what the parents want, but if its what you want then you should be with your man. What's mom gonna do? Ground you? Withhold payment from the vendors? With less than a day away I doubt it. (unless your mom is the type to cancel vendors at the last minute...In which case, I'd just go along with what she wants so that your day doesn't get cancelled).

Try to explain how much being with your FI that morning matters to you. Hopefully she'll come around. If not, just do what you want. You're getting married! That means that you're officially a grown-up and, within reason, you can do what you want.

Amisslis · November 2010

We are absolutely not abstaining. In our case, that would just make for a cranky bride and groom. Going without prior to the wedding would not magically make wedding night sex any more special for us because it is already pretty insanely special. Besides, you cannot artificially impose a set of feelings on an event. The saying it is what it is exists for a reason.

NatandIsaac · November 2010

We are not going to intentionally abstain, but stress is major "mood" killer for me, so my guess is the last week before the wedding will be sex-free.

DanielleZZ · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:2534b471-6fc1-46fe-bded-07260d70c57ePost:46ecadbc-de5d-4b3c-a6ef-73184b379880">Re: Sex before wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]DanielleZZ, I understand the pressure to do what the parents want, but if its what you want then you should be with your man. What's mom gonna do? Ground you? Withhold payment from the vendors? With less than a day away I doubt it. (unless your mom is the type to cancel vendors at the last minute...In which case, I'd just go along with what she wants so that your day doesn't get cancelled). Try to explain how much being with your FI that morning matters to you. Hopefully she'll come around. If not, just do what you want. You're getting married! That means that you're officially a grown-up and, within reason, you can do what you want.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

Thanks! You make some really good points! and no my mom would never cancel payments like that so I dont know why I am worrying so much. I have mentioned to her that I dont wan to but maybe I should actually sit down with her and explain it all.
Thanks again : )

palrmt · November 2010

My wedding night will be special no matter what happens that night. We may or may not have sex on our wedding night but either way that night will be special. I just don't see the point in not having sex for a 2 or 3 months leading up the wedding. I guess for some people it makes sense and they have their reasons but for me it's just pointless. We have been having sex for almost 8 years now. The only reason we would stop is if one of was out of town on business.

DanielleZZ,
I was in the same position as you. I told my mom that I was spending the night before the wedding at our apartment with my FI and that we were also doing a "first look." I thought she was gonna fall off her chair. She had wrongly assumed that I would be spending the night by her house the night before the wedding. I let her rant and rave about why she thought it was horrible. And then I told her that it wasn't a financial decision (since she and my father are paying for most of the wedding) and she needed to respectfully disagree. I didn't try to convince her that it was a good idea. She still thinks its a horrible idea but she also knows what I plan on doing. She may not like it but she has accepted it. That is about all you can ask for.

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:2534b471-6fc1-46fe-bded-07260d70c57ePost:c9050a81-f5fe-48d3-95d0-8f79c6e2fe6e">Re: Sex before wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I will also say that I think putting any kind of extra expectation on your wedding night (unless it really is your first time together) can really be setting yourself up for a letdown. The truth of the matter is that your wedding is an awesome day, but it is a BUSY day and you may or may not have the energy for sex at all, let alone super-special light-the-candles scatter-rose-petals romance-novel sex. DH and I did schedule "us" time between the end of the reception and going out with friends that night. And his favorite story is still me demanding that he "get me out of this dress NOW" the minute we hit the hotel room. But the reason he loves to tell the story is because the rest of it is me saying "No, seriously, I haven't peed since 10am and I need to go! Help me!" Not exactly romance personified.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
The first time we tried to have sex as husband and wife (the day after the wedding, I think), I accidentally kneed him in the balls, which put an end to that round.

Cristine2011 · November 2010

I go to school in a different province from which my fiance lives, so for the last two years I have spent a total of 16 MONTHS away from him.

So no, I don't think I will ever, ever, abstain from sex intentionally.

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:2534b471-6fc1-46fe-bded-07260d70c57ePost:6761ec6c-96e3-43d7-a5fe-103feafbb014">Re: Sex before wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sex before wedding? : Aerin, that's hilarious. Well, I'm sure it wasn't then, but it is to an outsider now at least. And it just goes to further the point that sex is one of those unpredictable things.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
We definitely laughed, but we have a sense of humor about that sort of thing. I spent most of the rest of the day wailing theatrically about how I was a failure as a wife.

Steph0871 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_sex-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:2534b471-6fc1-46fe-bded-07260d70c57ePost:dc9bcfc3-f99d-4dcf-ae54-cd1e200b6df5">Re: Sex before wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sex before wedding? : We definitely laughed, but we have a sense of humor about that sort of thing. I spent most of the rest of the day wailing theatrically about how I was a failure as a wife.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

<div>H and I had some, um, difficulties the day after the wedding too. We joked all day about how we were jinxed and should go back to being an engaged couple instead. I think it's healthy to have a humor about sex. It's, quite frankly, weird and awkward activity and things are bound to go wrong once in awhile. Some of my favorite sex memories are ones where we had to laugh a little.</div><div>
</div><div>OP- We abstained for a few weeks before unintentionally. My migraines got really bad before the wedding, and my doctor was worried because I had the auras. So I went off BCP and was terrified of getting pregnant (lame reasoning, I know.) Plus we were both stressed and tired. The first time after we got married was a little more interesting, because we hadn't done it in a few weeks.. but it was more because we were both excited to be back in the mood, not because we had forced a dry spell.</div>

RachVM · November 2010

We can go for a while with out sex, but I probably wont turture him with that lol. The wedding day is my day and the wedding night is his night, and hes hoping to God that Im not on my period that night! lol. I if I would do wedding morning sex though... and I want to spend the night with my mom th night before just so she can have her "baby" home before the wedding lol

tldh · November 2010

Not worth it. DH had this same thought process and I strongly objected and prevailed. First of all, he is going to last all of 30 seconds and then be too exhausted for a Round 2. Second, if your body is anything like mine, you'll start to tighten up if you've gone without for more than a few weeks and that first time back is uncomfortable bordering on painful.

I'll also add that most people sleep on their wedding night. It was two nights after the wedding before we had married sex.

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