Advice - what kind of registry, if any?

dannifer512 · April 2010

this is an issue I'm really confused about as a bride getting married in just over a year.. Luckily I have some time to think it though with my fiance. However, after crusing these boards/talking with three other lovely ladies I'm friends with and hearing their experiences, I'm a little worried about what to do about registering anywhere. Here's the dilemna:

one of my cousins is engaged, getting married in July, and planned for no registry at all because she doesn't want her guests to buy her gifts. She's got ~300 at her wedding, and almost all of them have asked her where her registry is located, and when she tells them she doesn't have one because she doesn't want gifts, they got really mad at her because they want to give her gifts but now have no where to go to get ideas. A few people have even refused to come to the wedding because she is being "selfish". I don't know how they come to that conclusion, but they did, and now she's really upset. I've also found on these boards, particularly ones that deal with honeymoon registries, that most people don't think it's right to expect the guests to give gifts. I am not arguing for or against this issue - I haven't been to a wedding in over 10 years so it's not like I can even make a judgement call.

I have a different cousin getting married in August. He and his fiancee have just moved out. They live in a small town, far from any international airport so 3/4 of their budget is being spent on airfare to get them to Mexico for their honeymoon. In their registry they have both the honeymoon registry through a travel agent, and a gift registry. Both the gift registry and the honeymoon registry have got a bad reception, which is pretty much the consensus I get from these boards (especially the ones dealing with honeymoon registries, as most express their belief that asking for anything, gift or honeymoon, isn't nice as the guests shouldn't have to buy anything)

Finally, a close friend is getting married in September. They have only a gift registry, and they are not moving in together until they are married, so obviously they have nothing, no linens, glasses, etc.. and that's all that is on their list. However, they're both getting a ton of flack for having only a gift registry, because "all that gift registries give [the couple] are things that sit in the closet and collect dust. (Direct quote from an email she was sent by an angry guest) Once again, I have also read this argument in these boards as well.

So.. what the hell do I do then? Apparently, if I have no registry because I don't want/am not expecting guests to give me gifts, people get mad at me. If I do both registries, guests get mad that I even have a registry. If I do only a gift one, people get mad that I have one because nobody uses what's on a gift registry, apparently.

I am lucky in that I can afford my honeymoon plans, and I am moving out with my fiance this summer and we can afford a house and have all the bare essentials. We aren't sure yet on if we're getting a registry or not, if we were, we are planning on having a gift registry (not a honeymoon one, however) for those "extras" (spare set(s) of linens would be nice, for example). However after hearing many horror stories from brides-to-be that I know, and reading some of these boards, I am actually worried about ANYTHING that I do because apparently it's wrong to ask guests for gifts but it's just as wrong to not get a registry because then you leave guests not knowing what to get.

Any advice on what to do then?

quotequeen · April 2010

There's no reason anybody should get mad at you for having a traditional registry, because if they aren't interested in the registry, they won't ask about it, and then they won't know. The only way they would get mad is if you tell them about the registry without them asking, like by having registry cards in your invitations. I would create a registry, and then don't tell anybody about it. In your situation (where you know people who think all registries are rude) I wouldn't even put it on your website. Just tell your immediate family, and if people ask you or them where you are registered, then you can share that information.

Getting mad at somebody for only having a traditional registry is preposterous, because there is nothing stopping people from giving cash or anything else they want to give. You don't have to register for your honeymoon for people to give you money. However, if you get any comments like that, you should say that of course you would love anything they may think to give you.

Jennifer2008 · April 2010

Tell people about the registry when asked (i.e don't mention it in invitations, etc.)

And, go for a traditional registry with a range of items in different price points. I'd suggest registering at 2-3 stores. Include things that you need and things that you want but wouldn't necessarily buy for yourself (like a fancy new coffee maker or sterling napkin rings, whatever seems good to you).

Lastly, don't worry -- I have heard lots of complaints about odd registries like honeymoon ones, but people don't raise eyebrows when they see you registered at Crate and Barrel or Pottery Barn or Macy's or wherever...

Have fun!!!!

dannifer512 · April 2010

Thanks for the advice guys

I just talked to July cousin, and apparently she did give ideas & suggestions to these people when asked, and thanked them for the consideration... the problem I guess that is going on is that she says things, like "pink towels" (an example from her haha), people want to know the exact colour, etc. But, when she says it really doesn't matter (and she isn't one of those who say "it doesn't matter" when she really means otherwise - she truly does not care what shade of pink they are), they get mad at her.
I guess to clarify, they are mad at her because she doesn't have a registry where they can go and see the EXACT brand/price, etc., and so that's confusing them? Plus it's hard for her because she's from a small city here in SW Alberta, so there are no "major retailers" to even register at.. and the problems she's been having are with big-city types.
Anyways.. I've come to the conclusion that some of her guests might just be headcases...

As for August cousin, she is also from a small town, where the biggest retailer is Walmart, or The Bay (for all you Canadians out there!).
The cheapest item on her registry is $14.00 (haha) and the most expensive is $175.00.. and it seems the bulk of the items are running at around $30 - $40.. so I think she's being plenty considerate of her guests. Maybe her guests are just messed up too...

Anyways, thanks again for the advice. It was just getting really confusing, all the different attitudes towards registries in my circle of family/friends and on these boards.

gottahavashorti · April 2010

July cousin - She should probably just go ahead and make a registry for those who ask. She could create one online for a store that is in the same city as the guests who are asking. They might also be concerned about things like her ending up with non-matching pink towels of various quality from different guests.

August cousin - It sounds like her guests are just messed up, especially since she is asking for everyday use items in order to set up a household.

Could some of the issues be how news of the registries are being spread? If someone is putting an insert in the invitation or something along those lines, that could be the issue.

For you - Create a registry. Since the people you know seem to get weird about registries, don't put the registry info on your website if you have one. Just tell your families where you are registered and have them let your guests know where you are registered if they are asked.

Tatum88 · May 2010

I just commented about this here:

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_fi-thinks-gift-registries-asking-gifts_.0

"you should just have one in case people ask. you don't have to announce it. we announced our myregistry.com wish list (well, my maid of honor did) but definitely not with the invites. believe it or not people get really annoyed when they want to get you a gift and don't know what to get you. you should consider just adding gift cards to a store you shop at often for household goods or hobbies. maybe you can even include a cash gift fund like we did and explain that the funds are going towards a honeymoon."

Advice - what kind of registry, if any?

Re: Advice - what kind of registry, if any?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards