He doesn't want to register

toni1835 · July 2012

We are in our 40's and this is our first marriage. I own my house so we have merged two households together and were giving items away last year when he moved in because of dupes and space issues.

Because of this my fiance says we don't need anything and he doesn't want to register for anything, anywhere! I suggested registering for our honeymoon and he didn't like that idea either. I tried to explain to him that people don't know what we want and/or need but it's not sinking in.

Does anyone have any other suggestions?

hoffse · July 2012

Don't register for your honeymoon - cash registries are tacky and usually take a cut from the "gift" that people contribute - you end up getting a single check at the end minus a service charge. It doesn't make sense for anybody except the registry company.

Maybe you can explain to your FI that you need to do something small - maybe new towels or bedding? A KA stand mixer? China or crystal or other entertaining things that you've always wanted? Your list doesn't need to be big, but people WILL get you gifts, and some people (like myself) won't give cash gifts. So you can either register for a few upgrades/replacements or else take your chances with the generic vases and platters you might get if you don't register at all. Explain to him that you will be getting gifts no matter what, and at least this way they are all to your tastes.

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_he-doesnt-want-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:696ef2da-86ea-4b89-81cd-c2832a34bd05Post:ad1ec792-a3f9-426b-8255-ea611d160894">He doesn't want to register</a>:
[QUOTE]We are in our 40's and this is our first marriage. I own my house so we have merged two households together and were giving items away last year when he moved in because of dupes and space issues. Because of this my fiance says we don't need anything and he doesn't want to register for anything, anywhere! I suggested registering for our honeymoon and he didn't like that idea either. I tried to explain to him that people don't know what we want and/or need but it's not sinking in. Does anyone have any other suggestions?
Posted by toni1835[/QUOTE]

Most people getting married run into this issue. Goodwill stores got some seriously nice donations when DH and I got married. We made a small registry of things we wanted to upgrade and left it at that. Do not do a Honeymoon Registry. You can check out the countless threads posted here about that topic to find out why.</div>

egm900 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_he-doesnt-want-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:696ef2da-86ea-4b89-81cd-c2832a34bd05Post:c26ac1d1-ada9-4598-a379-7cdfa8bc5fa9">Re: He doesn't want to register</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't register for your honeymoon - cash registries are tacky and usually take a cut from the "gift" that people contribute - you end up getting a single check at the end minus a service charge. It doesn't make sense for anybody except the registry company. Maybe you can explain to your FI that you need to do something small - maybe new towels or bedding? A KA stand mixer? China or crystal or other entertaining things that you've always wanted? Your list doesn't need to be big, but people WILL get you gifts, and some people (like myself) won't give cash gifts. So you can either register for a few upgrades/replacements or else take your chances with the generic vases and platters you might get if you don't register at all. Explain to him that you will be getting gifts no matter what, and at least this way they are all to your tastes.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree completely with hoffse. My FI wasn't into registering either for similar reasons, but the real selling point was people are going to buy gifts for a wedding, so you might as well give them an idea of what you like/need. It doesn't have to be completely traditional (dishes, wine glasses, etc.). Consider an Amazon or other universal registry so you can register for "outside the box" items. We thought about having one there so we could register for scuba gear since it's an activity we like to do together. We had friends who recently bought a house that needed work, so they registered for some home improvement items. In the very least, it let people know that a Lowe's or Home Depot giftcard was a good idea. I'm also a person that is going to get a person a boxed gift no matter what, so it can either be something you want or a set of sheets or towels.</div><div>
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toni1835 · July 2012

Thanks all. We had some friends over the 4th of July trying to tell him about registering at Lowe's or Best Buy and explaining that we are going to get gift regardless. We don't have to do it yet as we probably aren't going to get married till next Spring. I just need to figure out what he will go for!

aragx6 · July 2012

^I don't believe either of those stores offer registries.

hoffse · July 2012

Toni, if you want electronics or home improvement stuff, check out Amazon. Their registry is quite good, though there are no completion discounts, and any returns you want to make have to be done within 30 days (most dept stores give you a certain time period after your wedding date for returns).

Despite the few drawbacks, you can literally register for anything you find on the internet with Amazon because they have a universal registry button. Lowes/Home Depot does have a registry, but it's in-store only, and your guests have to go to that specific store to access your list. That's just a PITA for most people. I don't think Best Buy has a registry.

I agree you can definitely go untraditional, particularly if your guests know that you aren't just starting out. That said, be careful about putting too many high-end gadgets on a registry. I would totally go in on a group gift to get you something expensive like a good camera for your honeymoon, but too many expensive electronics turns me off because they tend to be relatively short-term, and nobody really needs that enormous television, KWIM? I do think home improvement items are a great idea, though - particularly if you are DIYers.

toni1835 · July 2012

We wouldn't register for anything super high end. I do like the idea of Crate & Barrel especially if we would want to use the discount later to buy furniture. And we could alway refresh our linens, towel, etc if we register someplace else for that too. This is kind of an uphill battle!

aragx6 · July 2012

I would just try to explain to him how much weird, random, nommatching stuff you'll get if you don't register. When I'm a guest I vastly prefer when a couple is registered somewhere so I know that I can by them something they'll really love and use.

pikakegirl · July 2012

Get a friend to send you a really ugly vase as an engagement gift and tell him you're bound to get half a dozen more if you don't register. Maybe then he'll see the benefit of channeling inevitable gift giving in a certain direction.

FWIW, I think the people on this board are more offended by honeymoon registries than most people in real life. I've personally never opted to give to a HM registry, because I prefer to give something tangible, but I also didn't then classify the bride and groom as tacky, or greedy, or lacking etiquette. Given your age and the fact that your home is well-established, I think people would understand. (Personally, I do think cash / honeymoon registries suck if they take a %, and that's why I would avoid them.)

Ducking the tomato-throwing now......

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_he-doesnt-want-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:696ef2da-86ea-4b89-81cd-c2832a34bd05Post:3d513dea-126d-434a-9ad2-0d21bc116751">Re: He doesn't want to register</a>:
[QUOTE]Get a friend to send you a really ugly vase as an engagement gift and tell him you're bound to get half a dozen more if you don't register. Maybe then he'll see the benefit of channeling inevitable gift giving in a certain direction. FWIW, I think the people on this board are more offended by honeymoon registries than most people in real life. I've personally never opted to give to a HM registry, because I prefer to give something tangible, but I also didn't then classify the bride and groom as tacky, or greedy, or lacking etiquette. Given your age and the fact that your home is well-established, I think people would understand. <strong>(Personally, I do think cash / honeymoon registries suck if they take a %, and that's why I would avoid them.) Ducking the tomato-throwing now</strong>......
Posted by pikakegirl[/QUOTE]

Really? I think they suck because they are a lie that the guests are told.

toni1835 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_he-doesnt-want-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:696ef2da-86ea-4b89-81cd-c2832a34bd05Post:3d513dea-126d-434a-9ad2-0d21bc116751">Re: He doesn't want to register</a>:
[QUOTE]Get a friend to send you a really ugly vase as an engagement gift and tell him you're bound to get half a dozen more if you don't register. Maybe then he'll see the benefit of channeling inevitable gift giving in a certain direction. FWIW, I think the people on this board are more offended by honeymoon registries than most people in real life. I've personally never opted to give to a HM registry, because I prefer to give something tangible, but I also didn't then classify the bride and groom as tacky, or greedy, or lacking etiquette. Given your age and the fact that your home is well-established, I think people would understand. (Personally, I do think cash / honeymoon registries suck if they take a %, and that's why I would avoid them.) Ducking the tomato-throwing now......
Posted by pikakegirl[/QUOTE]

That's a good idea about the vase! I told him we don't need 6 platters!

aragx6 · July 2012

Yeah my issue with the HM registry is the lie. If there were a site out there that actually sold the things they claim to give you vouchers for and they didn't take a cut, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But I haven't seen a site such as that. If I purchase for you a $200 candlelit dinner on the beach and instead you get a $180 check, that's pretty disingenuous.

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_he-doesnt-want-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:696ef2da-86ea-4b89-81cd-c2832a34bd05Post:a2232828-4e33-4736-98b9-2405cc5a7b74">Re: He doesn't want to register</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah my issue with the HM registry is the lie. If there were a site out there that actually sold the things they claim to give you vouchers for and they didn't take a cut, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But I haven't seen a site such as that. If I purchase for you a $200 candlelit dinner on the beach and instead you get a $180 check, that's pretty disingenuous.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Exactly. When I first heard of HM registries, I thought that's how they were (buy a dinner and the couple gets a dinner, etc). When I found out how they are deceitful is when I had issues with them.

Also, it might just be me, but I also think besides needing to be honest and either give vouchers or somehow book the actual activities, I would mind less if the couple just registered for add-ons, like a romantic dinner or couples massage or dolphin excursion, etc. When a friend had a HM registry, they registered for their airfare, hotel room, rental car, etc. It had some comment about "Help so and so afford their trip to Belize" or wherever they were going. If I contributed to a HM registry, I would much rather buy an excursion than help you pay for your airfare. I think the couple needs to be able to afford their transportation and lodging costs on their own. The other stuff is extra; nice if you have it, but you can still afford a HM and not go to a $300 dinner, KWIM? I don't know. This may all just make sense in my head.

toni1835 · July 2012

I was never really going to register for my honeymoon but I was just using it in my argument for a regular registry to FI. I didn't really mean to spark some great debate!

GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_he-doesnt-want-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:696ef2da-86ea-4b89-81cd-c2832a34bd05Post:6bf8946d-609c-425a-83fa-36d65f9135de">Re: He doesn't want to register</a>:
[QUOTE]I was never really going to register for my honeymoon but I was just using it in my argument for a regular registry to FI. I didn't really mean to spark some great debate!
Posted by toni1835[/QUOTE]

You didn't. Someone else did.

hoffse · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_he-doesnt-want-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:696ef2da-86ea-4b89-81cd-c2832a34bd05Post:d4ba01c0-194f-4f8f-8580-e7fe934f71d1">Re: He doesn't want to register</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He doesn't want to register : Exactly. When I first heard of HM registries, I thought that's how they were (buy a dinner and the couple gets a dinner, etc). When I found out how they are deceitful is when I had issues with them. Also, it might just be me, <strong>but I also think besides needing to be honest and either give vouchers or somehow book the actual activities, I would mind less if the couple just registered for add-ons, like a romantic dinner or couples massage or dolphin excursion, etc.</strong> When a friend had a HM registry, they registered for their airfare, hotel room, rental car, etc. It had some comment about "Help so and so afford their trip to Belize" or wherever they were going. If I contributed to a HM registry, I would much rather buy an excursion than help you pay for your airfare. I think the couple needs to be able to afford their transportation and lodging costs on their own. The other stuff is extra; nice if you have it, but you can still afford a HM and not go to a $300 dinner, KWIM? I don't know. This may all just make sense in my head.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Not at all just in your head - this is my major issue with them also. I think a few all-inclusives and cruise lines allow you to register for the actual event/add-on, and I'm ok with those when it's clearly just a few little luxuries. Like you said, you don't need the $300 dinner or the couples massage, but those are nice little bonuses to do while on your honeymoon.</div><div>
</div><div>But I've seen the airfar/hotel/rental car, etc stuff also, and that just really irritates me. They request like 20 "vouchers" for airfare, when it's just a check that's going to come to them AFTER the wedding - so not only can they not afford their own flights and are pumping guests for the necessities, they can't even book them because they don't have the funds to do so in the appropriate time frame.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, we know you didn't mean to spark that debate - it's one that comes up regularly, and some readers may look at this thread.

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GoodLuckBear14 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_he-doesnt-want-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:696ef2da-86ea-4b89-81cd-c2832a34bd05Post:8a6744b5-e699-4d5d-adf5-ef34e655bcc3">Re: He doesn't want to register</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:I think a few all-inclusives and cruise lines allow you to register for the actual event/add-on, and I'm ok with those
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

My question for these is what happens if the couple does not use them. Do they lose out entirely or are they given a check for the value of the gift. If they get a check, I don't trust people to not just cash in everything at the end of their trip.

erbear84 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_he-doesnt-want-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:696ef2da-86ea-4b89-81cd-c2832a34bd05Post:ca957713-9d5b-4404-aff5-b19e8688f1e5">Re: He doesn't want to register</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: He doesn't want to register : My question for these is what happens if the couple does not use them. Do they lose out entirely or are they given a check for the value of the gift. If they get a check, I don't trust people to not just cash in everything at the end of their trip.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>We had friends that cancelled their HM last year. We had bought them a "round of drinks" on their cruise, before either of us knew what HM registries were. They cancelled the trip and gor a check for everything that they said they were going to use to help them find a house to live in. Over a year later....they're still renting. Anyways, I'd assume the same thing happens if they take the trip.

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