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Christian Weddings
GJones27
member
Question about long-distance marriages
I have a question for you all. When you hear that a young married couple is in a long-distance marriage, what do you think of their relationship?
I'm having trouble telling people that my husband and I will be doing long-distance for the next two years. As you all know, he is Brazilian, and even after graduating from Harvard Business School this past May, he has been unable to find a single job (or get a single interview) here in the U.S., much less Boston where we live. He has been offered a really great position in Brazil, where he would get equity in a company that has a lot of potential. I can't go down there because I'm in school, but he hopes that he can work for this company and in two years work from the U.S. once it has grown. We're doing this, because this is the only way he can break into business, and it's not fair for me to keep him in Boston when I'm so busy with school I can't interact with him much. But he plans to visit frequently and telecommute from Boston every couple months or so.
When I tell older people about this, I get this sense of disapproval or skepticism, and it is really driving me nuts. It is driving me to the point of not even telling people we will be long distance. Even a friend in school went on a tirade about him moving to Brazil. I also get a sense that my parents aren't entirely happy. What do you guys think of this situation, and how would you advise handling it? I feel like our generation has to have more flexibilitywith these things because the economy is awful, but people don't seem to get it. Our love is strong enough to be long-distance for a while, but we have committed to settling down afterwards.
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Re: Question about long-distance marriages
I'd say, good on ya. I certainly couldn't do it!
I could understand people thinking your relationship would fail if you were still dating, but your married. And after all this is over, your relationship is going to be stronger because of it.
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Other then that , people who are in the military do it all the time. My FI's friend just left for another deployment for 18 months and they have 3 kids under the age of 5...
Personally I would go crazy, but FI are already apart distance wise as it is....How long have you been married ? I would keep the info on the downlow or just be honest if they are skeptical it could actually be a great time to whitness and say that God is working in both your lives and you are not scared because he will not destroy something he has built for you ..... something like that ....
[QUOTE]Honestly, I'd side-eye it, too. We believe that God is the head of the husband, and the husband is the head of the home, so wherever God leads the husband, the wife follows in willing, joyful submission. 2 years apart would be a no-go for us, no matter what I was doing. If God's leading him somewhere, I'm going with him.
Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]
This exactly. I would talk to him about it if I had my dream job, but ultimately, I would follow him, regardless.
First Look
It's unreasonable to expect a woman to drop all her aspirations for a career to avoid a long-distance marriage. There are some things that just can't be put on hold or done on-line.
2010: 41 books, 2011: 31 books, 2012: 100 books
when i hear of couples in long distance relationships i wonder why they didn't hold off getting married until they could live together. i don't mean it in a judging way, but i just find it weird that they would get marreid but not live together. i think that's maybe what other people think, too. it's fine if you're just dating long distance, but it's just different with marriage. i agree with another poster about going wherever your husband goes. mind you, we are probably not in the same situation as you (you being in a good school).
i'd say pray about it and see if God is telling you to hold off on your wedding for now.
[QUOTE] i'd say pray about it and see if God is telling you to hold off on your wedding for now.
Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Except that GJones and her husband have been married for a little over a year now.
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Gjones I admire you so much. You are so strong and brave.
I am sorry people are being silly about the separation. 2 years is long and hard but I can't imagine that he will be gone for all of it (like coming back for Christmas). Between having God and the Church on your side I can see why you guys aren't too worried.
I think the best way to deal with people's words is to only tell them what is necessary. When they offer critiques perhaps firmly remind them that this is your marriage and you will follow your husband’s lead. There is no really to explain why unless they are good friends.
I think for older people this kind of thing is a terrible, killing idea for a young marriage but you have already done long distance relationship. I have and I know you guys have faith that God is leading you and because of that you don't have to explain your reasoning to anyone.
Married! May 27th, 2012
2010: 41 books, 2011: 31 books, 2012: 100 books
[QUOTE]I know several married couples who are long-distance. It's not uncommon when both spouses are professionals - in the couples I know, at least one spouse is a medical resident, so they have no choice where they are going to be. The couple who is going to be apart the longest, 3 years, still sees each other frequently; it just happened that she was placed here for residency, and he's in law in another state. The other couples I know are apart "only" for a year. One wife had to stay behind to finish her grad degree before moving here to be with her hubby. Another couple is apart because they were matching into resideny the same year and he didn't end up where she already was.<strong> It's unreasonable to expect a woman to drop all her aspirations for a career to avoid a long-distance marriage. There are some things that just can't be put on hold or done on-line.</strong>
Posted by ochemjenn[/QUOTE]
Thanks... I have been wondering how to respond to this point and this is what I was trying to figure out how to say.
We got engaged, planned our wedding, booked the date in fall 2010 (wedding booked for August 2011). In February 2011 an amazing job opportunity came up for my H (then FI) that he was really excited about, but it's about 2000km away. He had been looking for ages for a new position, this is what he wanted, a change of pace, a steady reliable job with a good pension and a salary increase. I'm here finishing off my PhD and can't do work online or via correspondence, and I wasn't about to quit my PhD or make him not take this career opportunity. We also did not want to change the wedding date, everything was planned and we were emotionally/financially/etc. ready to be married. For the meantime we are living separately, it will probably be 1.5-2 years total that we are apart. Once I'm done school I'm moving out to meet him.
I don't think that following your husband with a willing and joyful heart needs to always be literally in the flesh. We are still married, we see each other every 4-6 weeks and talk multiple times every day. We are still a couple and still have challenges and joys and share in each other's lives and are growing together. I have my own career path planned and have done my own education and there's no need to throw that all out the window so that he can have a better career. We are doing what's best for both of us. In the short term it means some pain living apart, but in the long run we know we will both be happier and won't feel guilty that we "held the other person back" from something they were really excited about and that was really important.
I think every situation is different and what works for us may not work for others. Each couple is unique and has their own relationship and needs and way of communicating and being together. Do what's right for you, not what's right for me or other people you talk to.
If you need support or whatever let me know, we've been living apart for about a year.
I'm sorry that your parents are giving you trouble! I'm sure that must be stressful. Hopefully over time they will come to understand your decision and realize that you two thought about this decision and didn't take it lightly and believe that it's what's best for you both.
My gut says "Ahh!" when I read your situation not because I think you can't do it or it's wrong or anything, but because I know how excruciating it will be... it is so hard to be so far from Ryan, but we also haven't known the intimacy of being married already. It will likely be harder for you two, though maybe not.
But Ryan and I do survive just fine. And technology is amazing. We talk everyday, and we can video chat [not every day because his webcam is falling apart and my internet connection is not that strong] and we love each other. There are days it is agony, and other days when it's okay. And we know it will be over... someday. At least you guys will have an end in sight....
But I admit, if it was Ryan and I, I wouldn't do it. I would quit school and move to Brazil, or get desparate creative to find him something here in America or something. We all have our own priorities, and after almost 2 years of long distance ourselves, we'd choose to put aside one of our careers or education temporarily for the sake of being togetehr. But this is because I know how awful long distance is, so I wouldn't do it by choice. We have no choice. We have no money for me to go to him, but pretty much as soon as we do I will be there. By the end of 2012. No later, or I feel I'll go mad...
But if we have no other options, then of course we do long distance. Not being a couple is not an option. So if you really feel there is no other way for the two of you, then do it. I'm not trying to tell you you're choosing wrong. You can do this. But I am also being quite honest when I'm saying it's excruciating. It's a bit like pregnancy, I think. From morning sickness to labor, it is horrible, but the end result is amazing... but would someone just put themselves in the physical condition of being pregnant, without actually having a child inside them? No.
So you have to ask yourselves: what is this agony gaining us? And is it worth it? For Ryan and me, the agony of being long distance is tiny compared to the horror of being apart, and getting each other in happy small doses with the promise of a future of daily life, it's great. It's totally worth it. So is you having your degree and him having a job in Brazil worth the long distance?
Only you two can answer that.
But you have to answer it. Because on the hard days, you don't think it's worth it, and that's why you have tell yourself why you're doing it and you can survive it.
God bless you and I really know you CAN do it. It is possible. But it is hard.
"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." -Isaiah 61:10 NKJV
"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." -Isaiah 61:10 NKJV