Soooo pissed (long...sorry)

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

So I am begrudgingly in my brother's wedding 2 months before my own. I was never asked formally to be in it...I was just told I would be standing on my brother's side. He's my brother so despite that we aren't that close I probably would have accepted but I think it is nice to ask, no? So then his FI picked out a dress for all the BM and me. I was never asked what my budget was and they frankly picked one out that was beyond what I was comfortable spending (and I don't like which I can get over but the money is a big deal). Mind you they have no consideration for anyone else's expense because her parents are paying for eveyrthing and my FI and I are paying for our own wedding so things are tight for us. For FI and I to go to this wedding it'll probably cost us around $2k all in. We don't even have enough saved for our own wedding yet. FI is thinking about not going because he'll have to miss work and it's just so expensive :-(. Anyways that's all background.

So back in October I sucked it up and bought the dress. I had to order it from the boutique in their hometown though because that's what they wanted to do even though it was Alfred Angelo and I could have had it sent to a local store. They said though they'd bring it to me at Christmas so I wouldn't have to pay shipping...I told them no chance it was going to be in but they insisted. Well FSIL didn't read that they don't place the order until all the BM pay so when she didn't push two of her BM and they didn't order until November there was no chance. I've gotten in better shape since I ordered so I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to have it altered. The wedding is in 5 months so I'd like the dress asap. I just texted my brother (his FI and I aren't even close enough to have each others numbers) and asked if they knew when to expect the dresses and his response "they are sitting in our guest room." That's it! No "how can we get it to you?" or "we'll send it soon" or anything. LIke it's no big deal that the dress I paid for is there and no urgency to send it. I'm ready to tell him to shove that ugly dress up his a$$!

DirtyWater · February 2012

OH my. I'd call him right up and ask why it is still sitting in their guest room, when you could have had it delivered to your house to save the hassle of trying to get it to you and then altered. I would explain to him that you need it ASAP, and there is nothing else to it. Tell him you need it now because you have lost weight and need to bring it to a seamstress now, because its going to be busy wedding season in about a month and that lasts until October.

I just lost all my patience for you. You're a lot nicer than me. I'm am THE devil in a girl scout body!

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

Haha thanks dirty! You just made me laugh! I feel like a brat sometimes but when I shell out a lot of money for your dress, I expect that I'm allowed to have possession of my own dress. I just said to FI "Theme of our wedding: wine. Theme of their wedding: How can be inconvenience everyone as much as possible." I choose not to talk to my brother all that much cz he annoys the crap out of me and I already had several things to reem his out about (NWR) so he may just get a sh*tstorm thrown at him soon.

abcollins08 · February 2012

I'm so sorry you've been put in this situation. I'd call him up, ask to speak to her and tell her you need the dress sent to you so that you can have it altered. Being a guy, he probably hasn't even thought about it needing alterations.

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

They are actually long distnace for another month (he's in TX, she and their house is in MN) so she is in the house and the one responsible for them being in the guest room.

Just to add more color to the story (think Dirty will love this)...when he was down over Xmas FI had said how he was going to get a few of our groomsmen those grilling aprons with the holder for your beer and bottle opener and what not, but not for all of them because they all don't grill. And, my brother took the idea! And when I raised the issue of how our younger brother (his best man) is in college and doesn't cook nor has ever shown an interest in grilling so that isn't an appropriate gift for him, my brother just shrugged and said "oh but it's just easier to get everyone the same thing." This pissed off FI to no end because it was his idea. And me to know end because that's so rude to my younger bro (who I'm super close with) and I figure I'll get an equally unthoughtful gift (not that I'm in it for the gift but don't give me something that shows you don't care/know me).

mamameech · February 2012

This is how families get in feuds over weddings. The lack of consideration andresoect can really ruin the whole experience for everyone. You said you're nit that close to your brother right? If you were you could totally lay into him; I would! It's something you can usually get away with amongst siblings (I could with my sister anyway). They should have asked you to stand and asked for your budget and input when choosing the dress. The fact that they are now holding your dress ransom and not even respecting your wishes is just terrible. If you wanna really stir the pot you could say send the dress or sell it to a new bridesmaid lol. I'm not suggesting u do that I'm just frustrated for you!!

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

Hahahaha mamma I love that! And wish they'd pick the latter! I'm honestly afraid to call him because it'll unleash fury. The dress is really the least of my issues with him. I have purposely avoided contact with him since Xmas when he made really insensitive comments about how easy it is to pay for their wedding (uhhh her parent are paying for your reception that would make it easy) right in front of me!

There has also been a whirlwind of family drama around my and FI's relationship (oh no a black man marrying a white Irish Catholic girl...heaven forbid!). My dad's sister said some HORRIBLE things about my mother and my brother went to visit my aunt 3 times when home for Xmas (and lied to my mom about it). My mom has been beyond supportive of me and FI and this absolutely crushed her so it crushed me too. It also hurt FI and made him untrusting of my brother that he basically condones what was said about us (i.e. we shouldn't have children because they'd be biracial and have a Muslim last name and that would be "hard for them"...riiiight President Obama hasn't made anything of himself being biracial with a Muslim last name). Sorry this has opened floodgates for me which is what I'm afraid of with a phone call but maybe it needs to be done.

DirtyWater · February 2012

Oh boy. They are are piece of work. I COMPLETELY know how how feel about the gift situation! I know that our ideas aren't completely original and we don't own weddings or moths etc, but it bugs me to no end when people blatantly take your ideas when their weddings are before yours, so it looks like your the unoriginal one.

I had this happen with my cousin and another friend of mine. Completely stole every idea that we had, from music selection for the ceremony (in order mind you), butterflies (to honor my late grandmother), to dresses, table numbers etc. I had to come up with an entirely new wedding and keep everything to myself as well as swear my mother, grandmother and sister to secrecy.

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

wow Dirty that's a mess. As far as I know it was just this idea. Idk how you kept it together for all that. People are ridiculous. Why is your dream wedding coming out of my head? Makes no sense

romamor4 · February 2012

wow, volleygurl! What a mess of drama and snobbery!! If I were you, I would have backed out of that wedding a long time ago. I would still go, but I would have said that I didn't want to be in the wedding party. It's not worth the stress and financial burden!! I'm so sorry your fam is being such pricks!

caterpillar85 · February 2012

Ugh... you need a stiff drink.

If they are blatantly disrespecting you, then I don't see why you need to be the better person. I actually agree with mama... tell them that they need to send the dress asap, and if they don't then there won't be any time to alter so you will not have a dress to wear and you will have to see the wedding sitting down with the rest of the family.

NO2012 · February 2012

Wow- they are both highly inconsiderate and sound like brats. I know it's very difficult to write people off when they are family, but cutting yourself off emotionally from them should not be hard. If they don't send the dress asap as expected, then I would be tempted to tell them you just can't manage to be in the wedding and you will do your best to be there (and eat the cost of the dress). On the issue of your relationship with FI, that is total crap. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and can't enjoy a close relationship with your own brother, but unfortunately the reality is that you can't choose your family and you are stuck with him and his wife. BUT this does not mean you have to like them, respect them, or really have much to do with them.

NO2012 · February 2012

One more thing: And you are entitled to actually feel sorry for small minded idiots, even if they are related to you.

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

Thanks for the support girls. NO2012 I'm already practicing a lot of that with my extended family as my grandparents (who started the whole bullshit) will not be invited to the wedding because we all even went to a counsellor (I went that far to fix things, not even sure why sometimes) to see if we could find common ground....fail. Their daughter (dad's sis mentioned above) jumped in to defend her parents and got verbally smacked by FI and I when we sat down to talk and basically proved her an ignorant a**hole. She and her husband are also not invited. My mom has been an absolute God-send thru all of this and even though she is a fairly passive person has basically told everyone who hates on us to shove it. And even though they are my dad's family, my mom will not allow them into their house. Go mom! She is already devastated by the fact that my bro sounds a lot more like my dad's side (forceful, self-righteous, pricks who thinks their poo don't stink for the most part) and not her side (gracious, forgiving, accepting, wonderful people). I think I'm going to talk to her about my brother before lashing out at him or anything. She's always been the glue in the family and I know feuding children break her heart. Fortunately my bro lives states away so while he irritates me, he's not someone I deal with daily. My mom's feelings are the only ones I'm considering but I think she'll understand. I'm more like her and ripped my grandparetns a new one when they tried to talk bad about my mom so I'm her favorite haha.

BMcLeodTeam · February 2012

I would totally call and be like 'listen, I need the dress so I can have time to get it altered, or you can sell it because I wont' be able to make it work last minute' haha, but I'm a little blunt like that, not always best to do what I'd do

romamor4 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_soooo-pissed-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:782e06d3-6a00-424f-9415-77905630eb88Post:ec9db507-a6c8-4f31-87d4-fdc8913f8fca">Re: Soooo pissed (long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would totally call and be like 'listen, I need the dress so I can have time to get it altered, or you can sell it because I wont' be able to make it work last minute' haha, but I'm a little blunt like that, not always best to do what I'd do :)
Posted by BMcLeodTeam[/QUOTE]

<div>Haha! Britt, I like your way of thinking! </div>

Sarah&Eric2012 · February 2012

I don't understand why people still take issue with bi-racial marriages. I feel like that battle was fought and won 40+ years ago. I'm sorry your family is being so harsh about everything. It sounds like you and your mom are on the same side though and that's always a positive. I think you're taking the right route in talking to her about all of this before exploding at your brother (as much as I think he and his snooty FI deserve it). You're a much more level headed person than I am, I probably would have exploded first and came here to vent afterwards.

NO2012 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_soooo-pissed-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:782e06d3-6a00-424f-9415-77905630eb88Post:5d72daaf-7254-442f-b156-a3ef441f394f">Re: Soooo pissed (long...sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom has been an absolute God-send thru all of this and even though she is a fairly passive person has basically told everyone who hates on us to shove it. And even though they are my dad's family, my mom will not allow them into their house. Go mom! Posted by volleygurl0306[/QUOTE]

You are very, very blessed to have your mother be so supportive. Take solace in this. Good advice from pp to talk to your mom before giving your brother and his FI the what-for they deserve.

volleygurl0306 · February 2012

Yes I am blessed. I am ironically named after offending grandmother's mother (my first and middle name are great grandmothers first and last name). Since I want nothing to do with this side of the family I'm definitely dropping the middle name (first name change is a little harder) and thinking of taking a name from my mom's side (her name is my first choice) to honor her and her support. Plus, then my first name comes from my dad's side, middle would be my mom, and my last name will be FI's last name which I think is a nice way to show how I am a blend of all 3 of those family ties (the good and the bad).

Soooo pissed (long...sorry)

Re: Soooo pissed (long...sorry)

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