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So my mother just told me they'll be having a brunch after the wedding...

witttybridewitttybride
10 Comments
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Only she knows we are planning to leave for our honeymoon that morning and that we don't want a brunch!
That's fine, she daid. We'll have it without you. Let me know who you want us to invite...
Anyone else think this is a little off-putting?
It is generous of them to want to host a brunch, but I feel that they should respect our wishes and not have one...
Neither of my sisters feel that they're crossing the line or that I have any right to be annoyed by this.
But it just isn't sitting well with me!
Thoughts?
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Re: So my mother just told me they'll be having a brunch after the wedding...

  • mcskatcatmcskatcat member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    In my family it's common for all the relatives to get together before hitting the road (the day after) so I think it's fine.  I don't really know why you'd be bent out of shape about it.  If anything, it's a nice gesture - not off-putting.
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  • DramaGeekDramaGeek member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    I'm assuming by after the wedding you mean the day after.

    As long as your mom is hosting it - as in paying for - you really get no say.  It's nice that she asked you for your input on the guest list, she didn't even have to do that.  I think it would be really nice of her to host your wedding party and OOT guests.  Those people spent a lit of time and money to help you celebrate, and I'm sure she just wants to thank them some more.
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  • jmp2004jmp2004 member
    100 Comments
    So long as this is the day after, not immediately after wedding, I would just tell your mom to invite anyone she would like as you and your H will not be present.  A day after meal is a polite thing to offer guests.
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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I'd say something like "Mom, since we won't be there, I think it'd be a little weird for me to set the guest list.  It sounds like this is your party, feel free to invite whoever you want to host."

    And there's nothing wrong with your mom hosting a brunch for those who stay overnight the day after the wedding (which is what I assume you're talking about, because otherwise this situation makes no sense to me).
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  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    It's fine to have the day after brunch without the B&G
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  • hoffsehoffse member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    This is extremely common in my circle.  FI and I aren't going on our HM right away, so we'll be attending, but my mother said, "you really don't have to... it would be strange for the B&G to show up."  
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  • LeiselEBLeiselEB member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    I'd tell her that since you won't be there, you want her to choose the guest list. 

    My parents didn't host a brunch necessarily, but got together with some of their friends, especially out of towners, to "recap" the wedding, even though H and I didn't attend. I didn't think it was weird at all.
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  • witttybridewitttybride
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-my-mother-just-told-me-theyll-be-having-a-brunch-after-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56067c53-85e8-4593-afb6-c585ba1ea82ePost:23af85d4-e44e-4fc8-8fa2-3e8ea71fb6eb">Re: So my mother just told me they'll be having a brunch after the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd say something like "Mom, since we won't be there, I think it'd be a little weird for me to set the guest list.  It sounds like this is your party, feel free to invite whoever you want to host." And there's nothing wrong with your mom hosting a brunch for those who stay overnight the day after the wedding (which is what I assume you're talking about, because otherwise this situation makes no sense to me).
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

    I guess that's it, I feel like it is weird for me to be setting the guest list since we won't even be there (for the brunch the day after the wedding). We have such a huge family on my side (60 people) that we wouldn't really be able to draw the line. Then there's all of our friends... again, we wouldn't want to draw the line. A lot of them live in the burbs and will be staying with friends in the city or at a cheap hotel for the night, so we might as well invite all 150 guests to the brunch!

    I just feel like she is being manipulative since she has wanted us to have a brunch from the beginning and she knows we haven't booked the honeymoon yet. She told me we could just book it for the next day and come to the brunch instead... I don't know. I know I probably seem selfish and ungrateful, I'm just really surprised that she decided to do this when she knew we didn't want it...
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  • StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Here's the thing - you're not going to be there, she knows you're not going to be there, and no one expects you to be there.  So why, exactly, does it matter to you if she spends her time and money on it?

    Just politely decline to participate in setting the guest list or any other planning, and let it go.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It sounds like she's just trying to be nice.

    If DH and I traveled OOT for a wedding then a day after bruch could be a great way to start the day even if the B&G weren't there.  
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    I'm with your sisters.  Your mom's allowed to have friends and family over for brunch even if you can't attend.

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  • witttybridewitttybride
    10 Comments
    ok, I guess I must be acting like a .... BRIDEZILLA! oh god...
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  • loca4pookloca4pook member
    1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I am on the side of mom. I know it's common around here that if guests need to stay over night, it is best to host a next day breakfast/brunch to show more gratitude and say "farewell"

    did you "block" hotel rooms? If so, I am guessing she is asking you the list, she reallys is asking "who is staying in a hotel??"..maybe?!?
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  • pearlaquapearlaqua member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-my-mother-just-told-me-theyll-be-having-a-brunch-after-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56067c53-85e8-4593-afb6-c585ba1ea82ePost:5a008d28-cf7e-43cb-81fe-f8328f34081b">Re: So my mother just told me they'll be having a brunch after the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]ok, I guess I must be acting like a .... BRIDEZILLA! oh god...
    Posted by witttybride[/QUOTE]

    Haha, I like your attitude :)

    Is there more to the story? Like, is your mom inviting people who were NOT invited to the wedding as sort of consolation prize reception?  That would be annoying... But otherwise, it's OK!
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