He thinks he can bring a +1

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

I know this comes up a lot, so thanks for bearing with me.

I sat down with one of my best friends yesterday, who broke up with his boyfriend recently. Suddenly he said: 'Well, luckily my friend R. wants to be my date if I'm still single when your wedding arrives.' (I know this person from a summer job I did six years ago, and the only reason I still remember him is that I found him incredibly annoying, but I guess that doesn't matter.)

We were not planning on doing +1s, but he got me thinking. Am I incredibly rude for not doing them? This friend is helping out in a few ways for my wedding, like making cupcakes - don't worry, I only let him after he asked several times. He's been very supportive, but I know he doesn't really like weddings, partly due to his dad having a few to many of them. So if bringing someone would make him feel better, I would, but then I'd have to let others do the same.

There are not many truly single friends among our friends, I think we'd need to add about 5 people which is no problem for our venue. I'm not sure about FI's cousins though, plus our 3 sisters are all single. Should we change our plans?

Of course, if he were in a relationship, he could bring that someone (and there is someone in the picture), and no save the date was sent to the former boyfriend, so that's not a problem.

In short: a friend thinks he gets a plus one. I wasn't planning this, but am now reconsidering. Should I?

kmmssg · February 2012

Anyone in a relationship needs to be allowed to bring their date. To do otherwise would be rude.

goobersinlove · February 2012

I think if you want to make a special exception for him - especially since he is being so kind to you and helping out, and it sounds like he's a really good friend of yours anyway - then you should do so.

I don't think that allowing him a +1 necessarily means that you now have to let every single guest have a +1. It's like how people ask about inviting some kids on here all the time - you can invite some kids (like family member's kids) without inviting every single kid that every single one of your guests have had. KWIM? In this case, I simply think it's okay to make a special exception for him without making the same special exception for everyone else.

However, if letting other guests bring a +1 would be okay with you, then I'm sure they'd all appreciate it. Besides, you have to factor in a date for them anyway if they get into a relationship before your wedding.

goobersinlove · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-thinks-he-can-bring-a-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1a4424-9ac1-4557-b157-da04af34883bPost:f7b42e61-f368-417a-a513-589211ab9317">Re: He thinks he can bring a +1</a>:
[QUOTE]Anyone in a relationship needs to be allowed to bring their date. To do otherwise would be rude.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

OP is asking this question based on the assumption that her friend is single at the time of her wedding b/c her friend is recently single.

AdeleDazeem · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-thinks-he-can-bring-a-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1a4424-9ac1-4557-b157-da04af34883bPost:f7b42e61-f368-417a-a513-589211ab9317">Re: He thinks he can bring a +1</a>:
[QUOTE]Anyone in a relationship needs to be allowed to bring their date. To do otherwise would be rude.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

I actually had the same initial response as you but once I read the whole post, I realized that she is inviting established couples together and this question is for truly single guests. Her friend was in a relationship and she was going to invite them together. Now they broke up and she wasn't going to give him a date, but is reconsidering.

Honestly, I'd give him a date.

Avion22 · February 2012

I met my fiance at a wedding -- we were both single, neither had a +1, and we were sat together. Now here we are.

Weddings are a GREAT place for your single friends to meet other single people who are (most likely) not crazy and with whom they at least have one acquaintaince in common.

Having said that, we are allowing single guests to bring +1s if they want (we only have like 3 single guests, so it's not a big deal). I don't think any of them are planning on it though.

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-thinks-he-can-bring-a-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1a4424-9ac1-4557-b157-da04af34883bPost:02d4ea72-d610-4ef1-9ece-3fe413de5d13">Re: He thinks he can bring a +1</a>:
[QUOTE]I met my fiance at a wedding -- we were both single, neither had a +1, and we were sat together. Now here we are. Weddings are a GREAT place for your single friends to meet other single people who are (most likely) not crazy and with whom they at least have one acquaintaince in common.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>That is so lovely! FI and I'd love it if some couple emerged from our wedding, but we need to find a can of single males somewhere - it's mostly straight girls and one gay guy.</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for the replies, I'll definitely consider giving him and other friends a plus one. </div>

Starfish0116 · February 2012

I'm sure I'll catch flack for this but....TO ME, not giving single people a +1 is as bad as having a cash bar. If you only have 5 truly single people, give them their +1.

I think it's sweet that Avion met her DH while single at a wedding, but that's also very rare. Nothing sucks more than being single at a wedding. While I'm not single, I often have to attend weddings alone because of FI's work/travel schedule and it really does suck.

chelseamb11 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-thinks-he-can-bring-a-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1a4424-9ac1-4557-b157-da04af34883bPost:f7b42e61-f368-417a-a513-589211ab9317">Re: He thinks he can bring a +1</a>:
[QUOTE]Anyone in a relationship needs to be allowed to bring their date. To do otherwise would be rude.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

maybe you should read the whole post before responding?

OP did you specify to him beforehand that he was getting a plus one? If so, it really depends on how yo uworded it. If you told him he was going to be able to bring "a date" he should still get a plus 1. However, if you said, "Yeah Sam, you can definitely bring Jonathan!" then you would be safe not giving him one. But in the end, it's up to you and what you can accomodate. You were already planning on him bringing his boyfriend, so it's not like this +1 is adding to your list.

Habs2Hart · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-thinks-he-can-bring-a-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1a4424-9ac1-4557-b157-da04af34883bPost:f7b42e61-f368-417a-a513-589211ab9317">Re: He thinks he can bring a +1</a>:
[QUOTE]Anyone in a relationship needs to be allowed to bring their date. To do otherwise would be rude.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

You should try reading the post before answering.

OP - There's no requirement to allow truly single people to bring +1's, but if you have it in your budget/space, then I think it's a nice thing to do.

mbody · February 2012

If you don't have a ton of truely single friends, then I would just extend a +1 to them. In the case of your guy friend, I'd give him a +1, especially if he is helping out with wedding stuff.

dori851 · February 2012

I would give your single friends a +1 if it's in your budget.

redheadfsu · February 2012

You don't have to give singles a plus one, but it is very nice to do so. If it is within your budget and space, I say give them a plus one.

rlavach · February 2012

I never understand what the big deal is with not giving truly single people a +1. I've been to plenty of weddings single, without a +1, and somehow I survived. In fact, I had a blast. I've been given +1's, but I never take them up on the offer because I can't imagine why my single girlfriends would want to wedding crash?

As you can probably tell, those who are single aren't getting a +1 at my wedding. And my MOH also met her now fiance by being single guests at a wedding last year. You never know!

harpsdesire · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-thinks-he-can-bring-a-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1a4424-9ac1-4557-b157-da04af34883bPost:02d4ea72-d610-4ef1-9ece-3fe413de5d13">Re: He thinks he can bring a +1</a>:
[QUOTE]I met my fiance at a wedding -- we were both single, neither had a +1, and we were sat together.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

Me too. Actually we were both in the wedding part without +1's!

kd.joseph · February 2012

My first question I guess would be were you planning on inviting his SO before they broke up? If so, it seems you have the room for him to bring someone.

I would let him, he's been helpful and if he's not really in to weddings it will give him someone he knows to hang out with for the evening. And who needs to know someone was "added" last minute?

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

Thanks all! Like you mention, there is room for him and others bringing a guest. I must add that bringing +1's is not that common where I live (Belgium), but I'll probably let him and the other friends bring someone.

kmmssg · February 2012

I DID read the entire post ladies. Unfortunately I misunderstood it as Joy said she initially did too. I'm human it happens. geez.

chelseamb11 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_he-thinks-he-can-bring-a-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ea1a4424-9ac1-4557-b157-da04af34883bPost:d199f18e-b4d1-4ec5-91ea-366e73cd0f68">Re: He thinks he can bring a +1</a>:
[QUOTE]I DID read the entire post ladies. Unfortunately I misunderstood it as Joy said she initially did too. I'm human it happens. geez.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

Joy also said she had the same reaction as you BEFORE reading. Then she read and realized it wasn't just a generic "does he need to have a +1" post. how can you misunderstand that there was a breakup and now he wants to bring someone that isn't his boyfriend?

kmmssg · February 2012

My goodness, my mistake seems to be fascinating you today.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · February 2012

Of course, according to etiquette, you are not rude in not inviting single people to bring a date.

However, I personally think that inviting people to bring a guest is nicer than not. We invited everyone who was single with an "and guest." Not everyone took us up on the offer. I had a few friends who had VERY recently started dating someone and I was glad I did that (granted, it meant I didn't have to check and double check if they were in a relationship before the invitations went out). No one will be offended to be given the option of bringing a guest, KWIM?

I also think you could easily give this friend a guest, even if you aren't giving everyone the option, since he is helping out, and since he was recently in a relationship, so the wedding might be kind of rough on him for that reason.

He thinks he can bring a +1

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