Identity Crisis

squirrly · July 2010

For the married ladies out there who changed their names, did you sort of feel lost after? How long did it take to see your name written down and feel like it was actually referring to you?

I'm sure the fact that I changed jobs and moved 1000 miles is part of this. But I feel a bit lost, like I have no idea who I am, sometimes. Very unsettled.

AmoroAgain · July 2010

I didn't have that problem at all really. I've had to sign a ton of docments for visas lately, and only once tried to write the wrong name.

I'm sorry you're feeling discombobulated though.

Brie2010 · July 2010

I hated my maiden name, and was really excited to change it. It felt weird for a week or two, but I feel weirder saying my maiden name now than my married name, two months post-wedding.

That said, it might have something to do with moving. We moved to KC, where we knew NOBODY last year, and it was a really hard adjustment for me. I was pretty bummed out for a couple of months until we had a good routine going. I felt like a total fish out of water for awhile.

Stackeye210 · July 2010

It took me the better part of about 4 months to really take ahold of my new last name and stop thinking of it as weird. Now when I think of my maiden name it sounds funny for me to say (that was about a year later).

You've had like 8 billion things change though, so you're right, it could be the move and job shift playing a huge part in it all. I'm sure it'll get better - especially if you keep having awesome gtg's with the e ladies.

danieliza1127 · July 2010

Getting married, moving away, starting a new job, moving into a new house in a new city, AND changing your name are all HUGE changes! It's totally normal to feel a little lost in all of that. I mean those are the major life events all rolled into one span of a couple of months. I think for you it has way less to do with the name change and way more to do with being in a new city in a new job in a new house. It's going to take time to adjust, to make the house feel like your home, to get to know the city and your co-workers.

In the meantime though, do the stuff you've always loved to do. Whatever hobbies you had before, keep doing them. Get the house set up and decorated with your things and new things you guys pick out together. Talk to friends from home on the phone. Do whatever it is that helps you tap into Squirrly you know?

Moneypenny424 · July 2010

That's understandable. I still often introduce myself with my maiden name. I think it just takes some time. I never thought I'd change my name, so I guess the novelty of it helped me get comfortable with it (if that makes any sense). I am listed on everything as Money Maiden Penny, so I still use my maiden name all the time. Would that help you with the transition? I think you just need to give it time and you'll get used to it. Just remember all of the things you've gained by being married

.

I also waited for several months after our wedding to change my name because if I'd done it right away, I wouldn't have been able to vote in the 2008 election!

crfische · July 2010

It's kinda weird for me because people who knew me only as my maiden name still call me by my maiden name (high school friends) and it doesn't seem weird to me. (My dad still does this too, but I think it's on purpose).

But everyone who is in my life now calls me by my married last name and a nickname, and that doesn't seem weird either.

Maybe I'm ok being two people. Maybe IM THE ONE WITH AN IDENTITY CRISIS.

But in reality, I think it took me a couple of months for it to actually become habit to sign my married name instead of my maiden name, but I sign a lot of stuff.

georgia_bride09 · July 2010

I did feel weird for a while. In fact, I got a new name placard at work when I got married last year, and kept the old one up on the bulletin board in my cube until yesterday just so I wouldn't entirely lose my old identity (which I guess is all in my head anyway). It confused people, but I didn't feel 100% like taking it down until yesterday.

The funny thing is I didn't even care much for my last name, and while I love my dad and that side of the family, it's not like I wasn't all about getting a new last name; had I shared my mom and step-dad's last name, it would have been even harder.

I think it was more about the fact that I now share the name with H's family, and it just really felt weird since they've JUST become my family and I didn't really feel like I belonged, even though they have been 100% welcoming from day one. It's hard to explain. I've been married over a year, and have just now started to identify myself mentally as a NewLastName.

I also kept my middle and maiden, so I'm a four-namer, so I'll always officially be myself with an extra name, and I think that helped a little too.

What I'm trying to say is it's natural for that uneasiness to be there. While you're still you, especially in a new place, nobody knows the "old" you, and that will take some getting used to. But you'll get more comfortable with the "new" you, it just takes a little time.

squirrly · July 2010

Brie, I'm not a fan of my maiden name either, so it's not like I wanted to keep it. I just feel like I gave up a whole lot of ME at one time - my coaching job is just gone. I'm trying to referee, but I can't get anybody here to contact me about it. And I haven't found any coaching jobs that either interest me OR that I could reasonably get to after work for practice/games. That's been a huge part of my life for a long time.

My day job, I went from being an expert at what I did, out of several thousand people, to being clueless in my new role AND, even once I know what I'm doing, there will be 20 people who do what I do, unlike before where it was just me.

Add the name change, and the unwillingness of my new state to issue me a DL here, and I'm just very lost. I'm meeting people, making friends, that sort of thing, but it just doesn't quite feel. . . complete. Me. Something. I don't know.

vallyhoo · July 2010

"ditto fische"

opalsky007 · July 2010

I felt pretty lost for a while too. Especially because so much of my department is totally clueless, and is still figuring out that I have a new name.

It sounds weird, but it kind of sunk in the other day when I had to sign my maiden name on a checking account that I still haven't switched over. I had to think about it for a second, and when I signed, it looked like I'd never signed that name before. I'd literally forgotten my old signature. So I said to myself, "Huh. Guess this new name's really mine now."

Juxtaposition00 · July 2010

I haven't yet, but am super excited to!!!! My last name is something along the lines of Smith, or Brown or Jones. I'm so excited to have a last name with history.

september's bride · July 2010

I kind of felt that way...

I saw my new ID and although it had my picture on it, I still kind of felt like I wasn't entirely sure who that person was. Even though it was still me. I can't really explain it, but I do know what you mean.

squirrly · July 2010

Danielle, I think the hobbies are tough. No volleyball here for me. And, all my crafty stuff is still in boxes, because there's literally no where to put it. Our wedding had become my hobby, too, with all the stuff I did for it and that's obviously over as well.

And I screw up signing my name every time. I used to sign First A Maiden. Now it should be First M Married, but I keep getting through First A M and realizing the A didn't belong and I need room for the Married on the line. Grrrr.

danieliza1127 · July 2010

Add post-wedding blues to your list too. That's a real thing.

I think you should make a place to craft. Spare bedroom? Turn a closet into a desk area?

squirrly · July 2010

The sunroom is what I'm claiming. It just has zero storage. I have boxes and boxes of sewing and needlepoint and paper craft stuff, and no place to put it. I have a work table. But I need some serious drawers to go under it.

If I had $1000 to blow, there's an awesome modular desk from PB I'd get. Corner with an extended table on one side & the supports are filing cabinets, which work just fine for craft storage. Alas, I do not need to spend that amount of money.

However - my current glass topped desk is missing a piece of glass due to the movers, so if I get a nice check for that, I might add a little to it and get as much of that desk as I can afford. And maybe I'll get the rest for Christmas or something.

danieliza1127 · July 2010

I got a great craft desk on Craig's List. You don't have to get PB but you can still find something that looks great and works great.

mandapanda78 · July 2010

In Response to Identity Crisis:
For the married ladies out there who changed their names, did you sort of feel lost after?

Yes, absolutely

How long did it take to see your name written down and feel like it was actually referring to you?

It's been eight months and I'm just now getting there.

goheels05 · July 2010

Kind of. My maiden name was very uncommon and it "matched" my first name. People would always say things like, "what an unusual name" or "what a pretty name" or "that sounds like a movie star name," and even the occasional "is that your real name?" My new last name is common and IMO boring. It does make it significantly harder for the internet crazies to find me though. Used to be if you googled my name, every hit would be me except some girl in Montana on MySpace. Now I'm a lot harder to find.

squirrly · July 2010

Manda, that means I have 16 more months of this. NOT COOL.

Danielle, if I had the tools, I might just build myself one. And, I don't care what brand - I just love the style of that PB desk.

Jelenny · July 2010

i think I might end up having an identity crisis...

once we tie the knot there will be THREE...yes THREE Jessica XXXXXX in the family...

small world and the last name is not common like Smith or Jones either

noodle_oo · July 2010

Awww that stinks Squirrly! I'm sure it is just adjusting to all the major life changes at once. You'll feel better once you settle into your new home and stuff. It takes a while.

I don't plan to change my name, and a lot of reason is that it is MY name and I can't imagine adjusting to a new one (especially since my name is tied to my heritage, I'm Indian and my FI is Korean). So I really do feel changing my name woudl be giving up part of my identity. I think it helps to understand that your feelings are real, and it will take time to get used to it.

Regarding the desk: have you looked at IKEA? They have some really nice modular type systems. I'm also thinking Container Store could help you organize your craft space.

I know I"m goign to miss wedding planning when it is over and I think I'm goign to need projects to keep me busy (as much as I complain about the stress, it really is FUN!). I'm already planning projects for hte house (curtains, painting, organizing) and other fun stuff (I love making photo albums and I need to do a few!). Once you dive into some projects and distract yourself a little you'll feel back to normal!

Trifury2007 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_identity-crisis?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:074d4d66-007b-4b22-9c97-b226ae67e8b9Post:ba71fa3e-1f6b-4836-80fc-ca81e0206172">Re: Identity Crisis</a>:
[QUOTE]Danielle, I think the hobbies are tough. <strong>No volleyball here for me</strong>. And, all my crafty stuff is still in boxes, because there's literally no where to put it. Our wedding had become my hobby, too, with all the stuff I did for it and that's obviously over as well. And I screw up signing my name every time. I used to sign First A Maiden. Now it should be First M Married, but I keep getting through First A M and realizing the A didn't belong and I need room for the Married on the line. Grrrr.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

Actually I have some friends who have played on a volleyball team off and on for years in your area. Let me know if you are interested in learning any information and I'll contact them.

squirrly · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_identity-crisis?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:074d4d66-007b-4b22-9c97-b226ae67e8b9Post:1859b524-ab0a-4be0-bb87-42a89b781cb1">Re: Identity Crisis</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Identity Crisis : Actually I have some friends who have played on a volleyball team off and on for years in your area. Let me know if you are interested in learning any information and I'll contact them.
Posted by Trifury2007[/QUOTE]

Absolutely. I'd love to play or ref. I think coaching is probably out, except private stuff that's later at night or on weekends, but the other two are good too.

Thanks!

Trifury2007 · July 2010

I'll send you a PM when I hear back.

Calypso1977 · July 2010

i kept my name and there are times i feel lost and like i've given up so much. so go figure.

Identity Crisis

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