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Not Engaged Yet
jschae79
member
Jealous NEY friend?
Hi all-
I have lurked for quite some time, but have never really found advice on how to deal with a totally BSC roommate of mine who is NEY. So here is the story...
FI and I are high school sweethearts, and we have been together for about 5 years. I am finishing up my nursing degree, and he is finishing up his degree in criminal justice and psychology. Original plan was to not get engaged until after graduation, but he is considering law school that is out of state, and I wasn't going to let him go without me, but I didn't want to move across the country with no commitment. So we got engaged in August.
Roommate just got out of a bad relationship about a year ago (it lasted 3.5 years) and rebounded to her best friend's older brother. They have now been together about 11.5 months. For the most part, they are long distance (about hours away) and she lived with him for 3 months this summer, and still goes home to see him on some weekends.
Now that I am engaged, I feel that she is very jealous of me. She is rude to my FI every time she sees him, and feels the need to compare our relationships at every level. I tell her that we are different people, in different stages in our relationships and want different things from our relationships, and it's not right to compare them. All that matters is that you are happy with your partner, right? She says things like "oh, I CANNOT imagine being married to someone without living together first!" (FI and I are both very busy... school full time and work 2 jobs, and no we do not live together) cannot mention one thing about my FI without it relating to a story about her and her boyfriend. I cannot even say anything about my wedding without her telling me how her wedding will be. She has almost every little detail planned out about her wedding, even though she is not engaged yet. I try to avoid talking about my wedding and FI with her, but she generally brings it up, and when I mention something about it, she shoots my ideas or my relationship down. She acts like she is sooo excited for my wedding (she wants to plan my showers and assumes she is my MOH when the wedding is still over a year away!) but the way she treats me is really getting me down. I honestly find it rude and hurtful that someone who is supposed to be my friend say things like this to me. At this point, I don't even want her my wedding.. why would I want someone at my wedding who is not happy for me?
Sorry for the long rant, but I really can't listen to this anymore! Thank you!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Jealous NEY friend?
Obviously the first thing is to not let her bait you into talking about the wedding. Put a little distance in the friendship - let her know that you don't really want to discuss things as you and FI haven't decided anything yet.
Second, it's up to you to decide whether the friendship can be salvaged or not. If you want to walk away from it, then it's time to start looking for a new place to live. If you want to fix the friendship, you can take a few approaches. One is to discuss it with her, be very up front and honest and let her know that her constant comparison of your relationship is driving you up the wall and you'd prefer to not discuss your relationships at all. Another tactic is to just put space in the friendship and wait for the tension to subside - I've had friends that aren't entirely happy for me at different phases of my life, and I've realized that I don't need people around me who aren't happy for me, so I don't talk to them as much or hang out with them or confide in them. Eventually, the friendship either fades away or the problem disappears and the friendship returns.
Good luck!
[QUOTE]Hi all- I have lurked for quite some time, but have never really found advice on how to deal with a totally BSC roommate of mine who is NEY. So here is the story... FI and I are high school sweethearts, and we have been together for about 5 years. I am finishing up my nursing degree, and he is finishing up his degree in criminal justice and psychology. Original plan was to not get engaged until after graduation, but he is considering law school that is out of state, and<strong> I wasn't going to let him go without me, but I didn't want to move across the country with no commitment. So we got engaged in August.</strong> Roommate just got out of a bad relationship about a year ago (it lasted 3.5 years) and rebounded to her best friend's older brother. They have now been together about 11.5 months. For the most part, they are long distance (about hours away) and she lived with him for 3 months this summer, and still goes home to see him on some weekends. Now that I am engaged, I feel that she is very jealous of me. She is rude to my FI every time she sees him, and feels the need to compare our relationships at every level. I tell her that we are different people, in different stages in our relationships and want different things from our relationships, and it's not right to compare them. All that matters is that you are happy with your partner, right? She says things like "oh, I CANNOT imagine being married to someone without living together first!" (FI and I are both very busy... school full time and work 2 jobs, and no we do not live together) cannot mention one thing about my FI without it relating to a story about her and her boyfriend. I cannot even say anything about my wedding without her telling me how her wedding will be. She has almost every little detail planned out about her wedding, even though she is not engaged yet. I try to avoid talking about my wedding and FI with her, but she generally brings it up, and when I mention something about it, she shoots my ideas or my relationship down. She acts like she is sooo excited for my wedding (she wants to plan my showers and assumes she is my MOH when the wedding is still over a year away!) but the way she treats me is really getting me down. I honestly find it rude and hurtful that someone who is supposed to be my friend say things like this to me. At this point, I don't even want her my wedding.. why would I want someone at my wedding who is not happy for me? Sorry for the long rant, but I really can't listen to this anymore! Thank you!
Posted by jschae79[/QUOTE]
<div>Aside from the fact that this is a terrible reason to get engaged, I think your roommate is BSC and jealous. Sometimes people show you their true colors during the most important times in your life. When you learn that those true colors indicate that they're sh!tty people deep down, you learn who is and is NOT worth your time or energy.</div>
n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_jealous-ney-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a573e618-fb41-4bce-916c-616c22719cddPost:2813cfd4-6e44-43f5-81e7-8cec2ff151f9">Re: Jealous NEY friend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd just smack a bitch.
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]
This. For serious though. You can either talk to her, or distance yourself. Some people don't know how to handle their jealousy and need to not be around the situation. So like Cate said, when u are around her don't talk wedding. She tries to bring up anything about FI, then politely (rudely if you were me) say he's fine and change the subject.
#1: obviously she is jealous.
#2: she is trying to convince herself that's she is NOT jealous by putting your relationship and wedding down
You can either try to ignore her and just brush it off knowing that she's just jealous, or you can ignore her for now and try to distance yourself from her and your friendship, Either way, it's shitty because no matter what you say, she'll still think that she's right.
[QUOTE]I'd just smack a bitch.
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]
<div>WWYD? (What would Yoda do?)</div><div>
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(Of course, I don't know her at all, so this is all based on the tiny bit of information you've shared and I could be completely wrong).
I think you need to decide whether or not you still value your friendship with her. If you would be more comfortable just severing ties with her, I wouldn't blame you. However, if you still want to keep her as a friend, I recommend keeping your mouth shut for a little while longer at least. Chances are that when she starts to really heal, that behavior will die off.
Good luck!
#2: she is trying to convince herself that's she is NOT jealous by putting your relationship and wedding down"
I agree, especially with #2.
Usually the more people are jealous, the more they try to make it appear that they're not by bringing the subject up WAY too much, just so they have a chance to talk about it like they're NOT jealous. At the same time, the harder they try, the more obvious it is.
Perhaps (aside from the obvious jealousy), she probably wishes that she was able to share the experience alongside you by being engaged herself. However, since that isn't the case, she'll try to project that her own relationship is "close enough" in order to not feel left out. Of course, that's purely my opinion. Deep down, she probably IS happy for you, but that happiness is blurred by how much she wishes that she had been first.
Good luck, and I hope everything works out and you can still be friends.