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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Is it wrong/Whats the rule?
My fiance, Jason, has a stepsister named Jessica. (if you have read my other posts, no not that one)
That cam to a screeching halt about 2 years ago, when Jessica 'found God' and decided that because I am of a different faith and Jason and I live together before marriage, that we are no longer allowed contact with her kids with out her or her mother, Sylvia, present.
Can I buy a Wedding Drama Etiquette 101 Book somewhere?
They are not close at all, however for about a year and a half, we did have their daughters over alot. We both enjoy spending time with kids, because we don't have our own and its good practice. We bonded to Jessica's 2 daughters and it was great.
That cam to a screeching halt about 2 years ago, when Jessica 'found God' and decided that because I am of a different faith and Jason and I live together before marriage, that we are no longer allowed contact with her kids with out her or her mother, Sylvia, present.
This devastated Jason and I. We haven't spoken to Jessica more than 3 times in the last 2 years. Having grown very judgemental, we just choose to avoid the situation altogether.
I will say that during all the time i spent with her daughers, I NEVER, not even once, spoke of my beliefs to her daughters. Not Even Once. And with them being 2 and 5, its highly unlikely they understood that Jason and I arent Married, yet.
SO HERE IS THE QUESTION
Sylvia, Jason's step mom, has made it known far and wide, that we "better" invite Jessica, her husband and their 2 daughters, to our wedding. And that being the youngest girls in either of our families, traditionally we are required to ask that Jessica's daughters be our flower girls.
WOAH. No. I as nicely as I could muster, told her that not only will I not have them as my flower girls, but that I am also not inviting her daughter.
It is not just about the history and the conflict. Its also because we are having a super small wedding of 40 people and no children. Our wedding is open bar on a Cruise, personally I don't think children have a place around an open bar.
Jason has a huge family, I do as well, narrowing it to 40 is already difficult.
Sylvia has thrown a complete fit, saying she will invite Jess herself and I will have to deal with it. The venue charges a $200 service charge per 50 people plus $18/ person over 50.
Am I wrong to exclude her and her family, even though she is technically immediate family?
Would it just be easier to just invite her, making it known no kids? Then I will have to cut someone else out. What do I do about the flower girl stuff..
I just want to avoid the hostility and drama.
Can I buy a Wedding Drama Etiquette 101 Book somewhere?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Is it wrong/Whats the rule?
2) You don't mention "adults only/no kids" you simply address the invitation to the peopel invited. You can also write "X spaces have been reserved in your honour" on the RSVP card. If they RSVP with the kids you call and tell them you're sorry for any confusion but the invitiation was only for the people listed on the envelope.
3) You are by no mean obligated to include the kids in the WP if you don't want to. The SM will have to get over it.
[QUOTE]Seeing as this is FI's family, it is his job to handle this situation. No one can tell you who to have in your wedding party. If you and your FI are firm on the guest list and weren't planning on inviting them anyway, then stick to your guns.
Posted by JordanF13[/QUOTE]
This exactly. Plus, is Sylvia paying? If not, no pay no say.
We need more info OP
[QUOTE]No one is helping us pay for anything. We are even paying for the BP attire and a few of the guests travel/lodging expenses. Thank you all for such a speedy responce.
Posted by ashleipyle[/QUOTE]
Ah, well then, it really sucks that you have to deal with such a witch of a FSMIL. I really hope things work out in the end. Personally, I would not invite Jessica and her brood. I'd let Sylvia know that it's your wedding and your guest list, if she disagrees with your choices to the point where you cannot trust her to remain civil then you may have to reconsider whether she will even be invited (if invitations and STD's haven't gone out yet).
It it's truly no kids, you don't have to invite the kids, but I would invite Jessica and her SO. They might not even come given the type of wedding it is. Sounds like fun to me, but God may not like cruises, or something...
But, since she does not consent to what you and your FI are doing in regards to your differing faith and living together before marriage they may just decline to come.
However, I would draw the line at including the kids in the wedding. The only two people who can make the decision on who is and is not in the wedding is you and your FI. Period.
"Sorry, Sylvia, but we just don't have the space to invite everyone we'd like" (Which is true. You don't. The fact that you WOULDN'T like to invite Jessica is besides the fact)
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Of course you don't have to have her kids as FGs, though. Just say thanks for your opinion and keep it at that.
Also, I don't even drink, but I don't see why you are judgey about people having kids around an open bar. It isn't like they are going to get drunk just being there lol.
Even if your mother in law is paying, I think you have to right to say "no children".
[QUOTE]I love when people say children have no place around an open bar. My parents drank wine when I was kid and we were home. All kinds of alcohol is always present at every holiday with my family. That's an open bar. I can remember climbing up on my dad's lap and asking for a sip of wine at some Thanksgivings. He'd give me a sip and send me on my way. Somehow, I survived just fine. Alcohol won't scar children as long as it's being imbibed responsibly.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
ITA and I loathe that as an excuse to not invite kids to a wedding. If you don't want kids, don't invite kids, and own that decision. Don't make it because little johnny shouldn't be around a bar/people drinking.
[QUOTE]I love when people say children have no place around an open bar. My parents drank wine when I was kid and we were home. All kinds of alcohol is always present at every holiday with my family. That's an open bar. <strong> I can remember climbing up on my dad's lap and asking for a sip of wine at some Thanksgivings</strong>. He'd give me a sip and send me on my way. Somehow, I survived just fine. Alcohol won't scar children as long as it's being imbibed responsibly.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]
I would do the same thing. Eventually as a teenager my parents would allow me to have a small glass of wine at family dinners. I did not grow up to be an alcoholic.
Anyway, off-topic. You definitely need to invite Sylvia, and I'd likely invite Jessica and husband to avoid drama, then hope that if they really are that unsupportive of your marriage, they will politely decline.
I'll support an adults-only wedding until the cows come home. Don't pull the 'it's an open bar BS' on me though.
[QUOTE]Personally, I wouldn't invite Jessica. If you deem me unfit to be around your children because of my religion, I deem you an asshat who isn't getting invited to my wedding. In my opinion, sometimes being the bigger person is overrated.
Posted by HoorayForSoup[/QUOTE]
your post made me giggle hahaha. thanks
Jason and I talked it over again and he is with me no invite for her. We figure if it is this soon into our planning and we cave in on the first despute with Sylvia, then it will be an uphill battle all the way to the alter. We dont want her to have one reason to think that she has final say in anything.