Is this normal?

Severina80 · March 2011

Hi,

First post! I'm wondering if anyone here has a similar experience and looking for advice.

Background:
We're eloping. We're going to Vegas but we'd still like to invite immediate family and a few (very few) close friends. We chose Vegas because we don't live in the same state as his parents or my parents (and our respective parents live in different time zones - they've never met.) Instead of choosing one hometown over another we decided we'll avoid any hurt feelings by going to Vegas.

Now, we booked this wedding in the middle of the week. We know it's not the best time. But we did this for several reasons. 1) Budget. Our chosen ceremony package is only available during the week and a comparable ceremony on a weekend is $1000 more. ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. 2) Everyone else's budget. It's cheaper to fly during the week and hotels are cheaper. (the hotel we're looking at jumps in price $100 a night on the weekends).

Because it's during the middle of the week, we've told our guests that we would love for them to attend but we completely understand if they can't due to work obligations.

So the problem:

We set the date. The minute my fiance told his best man, the best man FREAKED. He's demanding we change the wedding date because he says he can't attend. He spent two hours on the phone yelling at my fiance for being "selfish". And for the last two days he's sent my fiance text message after text message calling him an a$$hole and telling him "You WILL change your date! You have no choice!" My favorite message was, "If you want me there you must pick a Saturday after October 1st or I won't come!"

What makes this worse is that I really don't like the best man as it is. (He also lives out of state - THANK GOD.) He is the biggest diva I've ever met. He HAS to get his way and will scream and yell until he does. He acts like he's the most important person in the world and if you don't give him his way he throws a tantrum like a three-year old child. I cannot stand him. (In fact, everyone I've ever met who knows the friend has pulled me aside to tell me how much they hate him - even my fiance's parents have both told me that they can't stand this guy.) And now he wants me to change my wedding date for him? Sorry, I'm not marrying him. It's not his wedding. And I'm not going to give in to him because if I do he'll expect me to start changing other things for him. (He already tried to add 4 more people to the guest list!)

Has this happened to anyone else? Am I being unfair? I'm really trying to understand the position my fiance is in right now with this situation but I will not bow to this guy.

TL/DR version: How do you deal with someone who thinks your wedding is their wedding?

TheDuckis · March 2011

Why is your FI friends with this guy? He sounds like a giant douche.

That said, when you calculated the cost to your guests of traveling mid-week, did you consider lost wages and or oportunity cost for PTO? A lot of people prefer to spend their vacation days on trips of their choosing. So honestly, even though the out of pocket cost to your guests is probably a couple hundred dollars lower, they could be spending a lot more in terms of not getting paid for the time they're gone or having to give up their summer vacation.

Ultimately, you chose to have a destination wedding in the middle of the week because it was cheaper and more convenient for you. The result is that some people won't want to or be able to come. If that's a trade-off you're willing to make, fine. In the case of the best man, I would consider the fact that he can't make it a bonus, and move on.

MrsMyrtle · March 2011

This isn't eloping. This is a horribly inconvenient destination wedding.

sweetvidalia · March 2011

I agree with Myrtle. This is not eloping.

ksmoore67 · March 2011

You have planned a destination wedding, not an elopement. That being said, you have, in fact, planned it.

Send the invitations. Some friends and family will come, despite the inconvenience. Some (hopefully this includes the inappropriately demanding best man) will not be able to make it.

I'm just starting to plan a similar arrangement. That is, planning a Vegas wedding. Many family and friends want to attend, but I know it's goiing to be cost prohibitive. So we're going to have an informal reception when we return. The hope is that those who will not be able to celebrate with us in Vegas, will be able to celebrate with us at home.

If not, they will be missed. That's the plan, however. I've never been asked by another bride what my schedule is for that year so that she can plan around me...interesting that your fiance's best man thinks that's exactly what you should be doing. Don't.

~~Busy.~~ · March 2011

I have hemrrhoids and therefore 'roid rage. I'm thinking of taking dental floss and tying it around the 'roids to cut off thier blood supply and have them fall off. If I'm lucky they will fall off in my panties and I can keep them and make earrings to sell on Etsy.

DG1 · March 2011

Dudes. She said she told guests they would understand if they couldn't make it. Chillax.

As for the best man, I would consider this a GIANT red flag. My 2yo is better behaved. He's throwing a giant toddler tantrum. Clearly, your FI typically gives in to these demands, since the BM still seems to think he can make them.

"We're sorry you can't make it." Done and done. Hopefully your FI will soon realize what a douche this guy is (or you'll realize your FI is a douche for maintaining a friendship with one).

Is this normal?

Re: Is this normal?

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