Do you think he is for real?

sugar40 · July 2010

Over the past few months, my SO and I have talked about the possibility of getting married, both expressing that we think the other is "the one," and want to eventually make an official lifelong committment. Last week, the conversation came up again, but this time he asked when I would like to have a wedding. After coming up with a date, 6/25/11, which I already had in mind, he said that we should make an announcement to our families over the holidays and plan from there.

I'm filled with excitement, however, all of you, and I, know - not that it would be impossible, but it will be much more difficult waiting until December/January to start planning a June wedding, than starting the planning now...but there's no ring, nor has there been a "formal" proposal. On top of that, I have to keep this a secret for five more months!!!

What are your thoughts out there? Should I wait until there is a ring and see if he follows through on his plan to make an announcement during the holidays (and be rushed with planning)? Or should I start planning now with hopes that he keeps his word? I'm especially concerned about reserving the venue (of my dreams) far enough in advance to get the date we want.

Thanks for your thoughts!!!

hetshup · July 2010

Whoa whoa whoa. You need to have another sit down with him. If you are thinking of that date, and are on the same page you need to figure out are you engaged. Does he think so? These are all things that you need to figure out.

You can plan a wedding in 6 months, really I swear. I'm doing it in 9, but it's really like 6 b\c I'm moving and it needs to get done now.

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8961ff1-6a0b-48e1-ab4a-cf0a25471eb8Post:97d555d3-e75b-48f8-910f-2a6f4c4242e1">Do you think he is for real?</a>:
[QUOTE]Over the past few months, my SO and I have talked about the possibility of getting married, both expressing that we think the other is "the one," and want to eventually make an official lifelong committment. Last week, the conversation came up again, but this time he asked when I would like to have a wedding. After coming up with a date, 6/25/11, which I already had in mind, he said that we should make an announcement to our families over the holidays and plan from there. I'm filled with excitement, however, all of you, and I, know - not that it would be impossible, but it will be much more difficult waiting until December/January to start planning a June wedding, than starting the planning now...but there's no ring, nor has there been a "formal" proposal. On top of that, I have to keep this a secret for five more months!!! What are your thoughts out there? Should I wait until there is a ring and see if he follows through on his plan to make an announcement during the holidays (and be rushed with planning)? Or should I start planning now with hopes that he keeps his word? I'm especially concerned about reserving the venue (of my dreams) far enough in advance to get the date we want. Thanks for your thoughts!!!
Posted by sugar40[/QUOTE]

I'm just curious as to why he wants to keep it a secret until the holidays. If it were me and my BF, we would tell everyone as soon as we decided we were officially engaged. Why wait to tell the people you love that you plan on getting married?

If you want to get married in June, I suggest you get a move on picking a venue. But what concerns me is that you say "you hope he follows through" with announcing your engagment to your family. What if he doesn't? Then what do you plan on doing, assuming you're going to book a venue and put a deposit down?

The whole thing just sounds weird. I would wait to book ANYTHING until you have what you feel is an "official" proposal.

ETA: And the fact that you have to ask a message board whether or not he's "for real" doesn't bode well, either.

Goldlie11 · July 2010

I would wait until you are engaged to plan anything. Most deposits are non-refundable. I wouldn't risk the money if you think there is a chance that he won't follow through.

**Mutley** · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8961ff1-6a0b-48e1-ab4a-cf0a25471eb8Post:97d555d3-e75b-48f8-910f-2a6f4c4242e1">Do you think he is for real?</a>:
[QUOTE]Over the past few months, my SO and I have talked about the possibility of getting married, both expressing that we think the other is "the one," and want to eventually make an official lifelong committment. Last week, the conversation came up again, but this time he asked when I would like to have a wedding. After coming up with a date, 6/25/11, which I already had in mind, he said that we should make an announcement to our families over the holidays and plan from there.

I'm filled with excitement, however, all of you, and I, know - not that it would be impossible, but it will be much more difficult waiting until December/January to start planning a June wedding, than starting the planning now...but there's no ring, nor has there been a "formal" proposal. On top of that, I have to keep this a secret for five more months!!!

What are your thoughts out there? Should I wait until there is a ring and see if he follows through on his plan to make an announcement during the holidays (and be rushed with planning)? Or should I start planning now with hopes that he keeps his word? I'm especially concerned about reserving the venue (of my dreams) far enough in advance to get the date we want.

Thanks for your thoughts!!!
Posted by sugar40[/QUOTE]

A) Communicate with your SO. Does he consider the two of you engaged now? Where do you consider your relationship to be? Do you still want a 'big' proposal with a ring? Is this something that you find necessary for an engagement? (We cannot answer these questions. You do not need a ring to be engaged, but you do need to have a mutual agreement that you are engaged.)

B) Why does he want to keep it a secret until the holidays? Does he plan on proposing then?

C) If he thinks that you are engaged but wants to keep it a secret until the holidays, I would have an issue with that (personally.) I don't see the point. And I think it would take away from the excitement of the engagement.

D) If you both consider yourselves engaged and want to begin planning, I don't see how you could keep it a secret AND include those that you love in the planning. Also, a budget is necessary for planning. Unless you plan on paying for the entire wedding yourselves, I don't see how you could plan without anyone knowing. (This does NOT mean that you ask your family to pay for your wedding. If others want to help out, you let them offer. You do NOT bring it up.)

E) Engaged or not, enjoy your relationship. The conversations about marriage and your future together are more important than whatever you deem to be your relationship status. Focus on talking about the marriage and not the wedding. Dates are not picked until you are definitely engaged AND are often dictated by church/venue/family needs. Do not get hooked on a date before getting engaged. There is no point.

How did you already have a date in mind?

katanne9 · July 2010

A. You can plan a wedding in 6 months easily. I am doing it in 8 and could have done it in 6. Many girls on this board had/have short engagements.

B. But I'm curious... if you guys have come to this decision why wait until the holidays to announce it??

C. Being "engaged" and planning a wedding in secret is no fun. I wouldn't bother unless you can shout it from the rooftops.

**Mutley** · July 2010

Adding in: Our engagement was 6 months and 6 days exactly. And the entire wedding was planned during months 2 and 3. Beyond that, the only things I had to do were DIY projects.

AND... the wedding was in a town over 500 miles away from where we lived.

AND... I had been to that town a total of 3 times prior to planning our wedding.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

I'm REALLY thrown off by the fact that you've picked an exact date but yet you're waiting to see if "he will follow through".

sugar40 · July 2010

Thanks for your replies. It does make more sense to wait until there's no reason to keep our plans under wraps. I guess in the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to continue collecting articles, ideas, samples, etc. Hopefully, when that time comes, most of the big ideas will be planned out, and we can get down to working on the details.

Best wishes to all of you!

[Deleted User] · July 2010

:::raises an eyebrow:::

You need to stop being completely naive and have a very serious talk with that man.

Oh...and you can pick out all the things in the world - but by the time you're really ready to plan, you will have changed your mind a million times.

sugar40 · July 2010

Oh, about the date - I'm a dreamer. Haven't any of you fantasized about a wedding date before being proposed to?

Mrs. Mutley, thanks for your encouraging advice.

**Mutley** · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8961ff1-6a0b-48e1-ab4a-cf0a25471eb8Post:55898327-d736-4771-9ee0-578ec625800a">Re: Do you think he is for real?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your replies. It does make more sense to wait until there's no reason to keep our plans under wraps. I guess in the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to continue collecting articles, ideas, samples, etc. Hopefully, when that time comes, most of the big ideas will be planned out, and we can get down to working on the details. Best wishes to all of you!
Posted by sugar40[/QUOTE]

Um, no.

In the meantime, you enjoy your relationship. You focus on the here and now. You communicate about the future. You worry about the 'wedding crap' after you are engaged.

You do NOT need to plan out anything right now. You do not collect articles, ideas or samples. You do not worry about the whole wedding aspect. You focus on strengthening your relationship so that it is prepared for marriage.

**Mutley** · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8961ff1-6a0b-48e1-ab4a-cf0a25471eb8Post:e6632d86-db98-4f45-a2c9-21189a52db68">Re: Do you think he is for real?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, about the date - I'm a dreamer. Haven't any of you fantasized about a wedding date before being proposed to?

Mrs. Mutley, thanks for your encouraging advice.
Posted by sugar40[/QUOTE]

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/10/13/9ad99230-5e0b-4322-8ddd-38e8675d251c.large.gif" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '9ad99230-5e0b-4322-8ddd-38e8675d251c', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/10/13/9ad99230-5e0b-4322-8ddd-38e8675d251c.medium.gif" alt="" /></a> I had to record that for eternity.

And no. I did not fantasize about a wedding date before we were engaged. I DID fantasize about being married to my DH and the life we would have together. My fantasies did not involve the wedding. The wedding is one day, and the date doesn't matter. The date becomes special because you get married on that day.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

No, I can honestly say I've never fantasized about a date. I just want to be married to my FI, I don't care what day it is.

noelle24 · July 2010

Also, did it ever occur to you that your BF/FI/SO/Love slave might have an opinion about venues, caterers, etc.? Planning behind his back (which it sounded like you were thinking about doing, otherwise why worry about "follow through") is a big mistake. A wedding is not just about you and your dreams.

I've been engaged for over a year, but because of unpredicatable life circumstances, we've only just started planning the wedding now. For this October. In NYC. Planning time? 4 months. You just have to be flexible.

Also, I have some serious reservations about all of this if you can't talk to him about these things. 99% of the questions we see on this board could be solved if the posters would just TALK to their SO about things. Talk... Talk... Talk.

**Mutley** · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8961ff1-6a0b-48e1-ab4a-cf0a25471eb8Post:4f30c284-7a83-4a54-a693-f22759fc7294">Re: Do you think he is for real?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I have some serious reservations about all of this if you can't talk to him about these things. 99% of the questions we see on this board could be solved if the posters would just TALK to their SO about things. Talk... Talk... Talk.
Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

Noelle, that is just crazy talk. Why would one even think about communicating with the man they think they are going to marry about any of this? I mean that just isn't common sense. It makes so much more sense to ask a bunch of random internet people what they think.

Then again, when you talk to random internet people, you can make the story out to be whatever you want.

sugar40 · July 2010

Hey - take it easy. (I just returned after a long shower and a good cry

.) This is my first time posting on any type of message board. And yes, I have a tendency to be naive at times and view the world through rose-colored glasses, but I wanted some perspectives on this from others who are in the process or are considering marriage. This doesn't mean I haven't/don't communicate with my BF about this and other matters. I don't have many close friends and didn't want to discuss this with those who are close to me (for obvious reasons). Hearing from you helped me think this through a bit before making a total fool of myself.

jeanacorina · July 2010

I never fantasized about a date. I always knew I would want to be a warm-weather bride. Spring and Summer are my favorite seasons. But I didn't always say "I want to get married on June 4th!" It was more like "I'd like to have a summer wedding, or spring... depending on the climate."

Our date was dictated AFTER we got engaged, when we looked at 1) my school scedule, 2) how long it would take us to save the money we would need, and 3) the availabilty of the venue we decided on.

I agree with the other girls. The first thing you need to do is figure out if your BF considers you to be engaged. If he does, why the secret? If he does not, then just settle down and enjoy being with him. Wedding planning doesn't have to take a year. Mine didn't. Most of the legwork was done in the first two months, and then another burst of finalizing things about 2 or 3 months out.

Even with a 9-month engagement, our plans changed probably a dozen times. So, I don't see the point in you trying to get things planned out now (if you're not engaged). You'll see things you like, then you'll find out they're over budget, or too difficult to obtain, or out of season, or you'll see something you like better 5 months before the wedding anyway.

Yes, you can dream a little. But don't let it take over. If you see something you think might be neat, you can tuck it away to revisit later, when you are engaged and planning your wedding. But don't start filling out a notebook or anything. Your focus should be on your relationship, not on a wedding. It's stressful and chaotic, and it's over before you know it. What you're left with is the same relationship you started with. The wedding? Nice memories, but not that important.

**Mutley** · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8961ff1-6a0b-48e1-ab4a-cf0a25471eb8Post:6603115b-6f6b-41ff-8602-655dc188b766">Re: Do you think he is for real?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey - take it easy. (I just returned after a long shower and a good cry .) This is my first time posting on any type of message board. And yes, I have a tendency to be naive at times and view the world through rose-colored glasses, but I wanted some perspectives on this from others who are in the process or are considering marriage. This doesn't mean I haven't/don't communicate with my BF about this and other matters. I don't have many close friends and didn't want to discuss this with those who are close to me (for obvious reasons). Hearing from you helped me think this through a bit before making a total fool of myself.
Posted by sugar40[/QUOTE]

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/14/5/4e63d82e-7a14-4967-85bd-279883ebc408.large.gif" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '4e63d82e-7a14-4967-85bd-279883ebc408', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/14/5/4e63d82e-7a14-4967-85bd-279883ebc408.medium.gif" alt="" /></a> Are you sure that you are 39? And that you have been engaged before?

The thought that you are an elementary teacher scares me.

noelle24 · July 2010

My perspective is still the same, and I'm honestly trying to be helpful. Talk to your SO. Are you engaged now? Does HE think you BOTH should start planning now?

My FI has had a TON of input on the wedding. He wants it that way. Not all grooms are like that, but you never know. His input will matter. So even if you get things planned out, and ideas tucked away, it will probably all change. He could absolutely hate the color red, or sunflowers, or that garden venue you love love love. And you will have stressed and planned for nothing. Also, in your OP you made it sound like you wanted to put deposits down to secure venues without his input. That seems a little crazy.

The way I see it, you have two options:

1) Relax, enjoy this stage of your relationship, and plan a wedding in 6 months. I promise it can be done.

or

2) Tell your SO that after thinking about it, you aren't comfortable with planning a wedding in 6 months, and that you'd like at least X months to do it. Then see what he says. His response might be "Okay, let's push the wedding back". Then you'll need to decide what is most important to you that will also work for your SO.

Edit: A lot of the frustration in my first post is just related to all the idiocy we've seen around these parts lately. All the "Will he? Won't he?" and "Why won't he propose???!!!!11!1eleventy!!" can drive you up the wall after a while. *Especially* since ALL of these issues can be solved by communication.

Start there. See how it goes. ONCE you are engaged, the ladies on all of the boards here will be super helpful if you need to plan a wedding in six months.

sugar40 · July 2010

Noelle24, I do appreciate your straight-forward advice and understand where you are coming from.

I wrote my last response because I was taken back a bit by the sarcasm of another response, not yours.

Too bad all some people do is attack. The shoe could be on the other foot. They always say that hurt people hurt people.

Goldlie11 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8961ff1-6a0b-48e1-ab4a-cf0a25471eb8Post:33ba070a-0a8d-4f9d-9266-6a6a20fbe331">Re: Do you think he is for real?</a>:
[QUOTE]Noelle24, I do appreciate your straight-forward advice and understand where you are coming from. I wrote my last response because I was taken back a bit by the sarcasm of another response, not yours. Too bad all some people do is attack. The shoe could be on the other foot. They always say that hurt people hurt people.
Posted by sugar40[/QUOTE]
I'm pretty sure you weren't attacked at all.

jeanacorina · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8961ff1-6a0b-48e1-ab4a-cf0a25471eb8Post:6603115b-6f6b-41ff-8602-655dc188b766">Re: Do you think he is for real?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey - take it easy. (I just returned after a long shower and a good cry .)
Posted by sugar40[/QUOTE]

Oh, wow, I totally thought you were being sarcastic or joking.

Hon, if something someone on a message board says actually upsets you to tears, then you've got to either decide message boards aren't for you (really, they're not for everyone) or you need to learn to let it roll off your back. Nobody here knows you, at ALL. And while some people are nice to strangers and make an effort to be polite, not everyone does that. Some people just say what they think, uncensored for sensitive eyes.

That doesn't mean there's something wrong with them, or that they're damaged or something. That just means they have a different personality and it may be one you don't get along with. And that's perfectly fine. You can skip their posts, you can put block so you DON'T see their posts at all.

However, if you're talking about Mutley's sarcasm, I have to say I really think never reading her posts would cause you to miss out on some great insight and advice. Just because a person doesn't speak in the tone you expect to find in a community, doesn't mean they don't have something valuable to say.

I really, honestly hope that you don't shed any more tears over the internet. I can be pretty sensitive myself, and I have been naive at times. It's no fun being the one people steamroll. But it has been worth it for me to learn to see what people are saying with their sarcasm and judgments. It's kind of put things in perspective for me.

Sure, there's a nicer way to say it. But sometimes you do need a little shock to open your eyes.

Anyway, this is long (I'm known for that) and I hope you don't take it the wrong way. I don't mean sarcasm and attitude is always justifiable, I just mean you'll never get away from those things (especially online) and that there are times where people need that sting to get them thinking in a new way.

nottheonlydreamer44 · July 2010

OK, I'll jump on this train because I've been on both sides here.

When I got married the first time we had an 18 month long engagement and good lord I changed my mind up until 2 weeks before the wedding, on things I wanted.I had ALWAYS wanted a winter wedding and I got everything I wanted - down to the smallest details. It didn't matter my marriage lasted 4 months (due to abuse).

Are you concerned with the wedding or the MARRIAGE? Because a wedding is one day out of a million and it's really not going to matter if you get the "venue of your dreams". I know June is a busy wedding month and while I never envisioned being a summer bride - I am now (6/24/11)

Keeping things a secret is weird to me and also the fact that you are concerned about him "following through". If you lack that must trust in his ability to do what he says or that you'll look like a fool if your relationship fails between now and then - I'd say you care about the WEDDING.

Mike and I haven't announced yet (3 people know) because he felt stupid not having my ring and his proposal. I let him have that because he's never been married before and it meant a lot to him. But we're still engaged. You need to get on the same page with your SO and figure out what's up because it sounds like you're dreaming and he's just kinda being dragged along.

I am honestly not trying to be mean here (I'm a dreamer too) but you need to relax and get it all straight first before rushing into planning. Especially when it seems you two are not communicating in a form that makes sense to me. Stop worrying about a wedding and worry about your committment; why he wants to wait 5 months, why you don't trust his ability to stick to his word. Those are BIG deals and they're much bigger than any wedding planning you could ever do.

::: edited for spelling and being tired:::

oceana919 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:c8961ff1-6a0b-48e1-ab4a-cf0a25471eb8Post:3e612741-416e-429e-94f5-b50e1a547b23">Re: Do you think he is for real?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honey, all you need for a wedding is a bride, a groom, an officiant (minister, priest or judge), a ring and a witness. That's it. Anything else is just frosting on the cake. You do seem to be more focused on the wedding details than on your future as husband and wife. Slow down. If he really wants a wedding, he'll let you know. If he wants it to be kept secret, I would wonder why.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

All of this.

Do you think he is for real?

Re: Do you think he is for real?

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