MOB/Pastor Woes

alyssatoepfer · February 2012

Hi fellow Knotties,

I am in need of advice. My fiance and I are getting married in April in Kansas City (our new place of residence) and having a Lutheran ceremony where I am a member. We have a great pastor that we've been working with for the past several months now and are excited to have her marry us.
The issue is, my mother is a pastor as well back in my hometown. She has let me know since we got engaged that she wants to have some pastoral involvement in the wedding, whether it's a prayer or the homily or any other typical duties that my pastor in KC would do.
I am not interested in having her do any of these things. My pastor did say that it would be OK to have my mother help at the wedding, I want her to be involved just as my mother, sitting in the congregation, not officiating.
I have told her before that I don't want her doing the entire wedding and want her just to be the MOB, and I think she's trying to compromise with me on just doing something small at the wedding.
Another reason that I am against having her assist in the ceremony is that my fiance's uncle is a Catholic priest and we are not having him involved either, even though he has officiated at all of the other family weddings (all his family is Catholic.) I'd feel uncomfortable having my mom officiate and not my FI's uncle, when his family members have already been a little surprised that we haven't had the uncle involved and are doing a Lutheran wedding. No drama, just surprised.
So...how do I gently tell my mother (again...) that she just needs to be the MOB on the wedding day? If it makes a difference, which I don't think it does, it's not like she has major financial control of the day...divorced Dad and FI's parents are paying. MOB is buying my dress.

Sorry that was long.
Summary: My mom the pastor wants to help in the ceremony. I want her to just be the MOB. What do I do?

alyssatoepfer · February 2012

Also: a prayer at the RD or the reception doesn't appease her. She wants specific ceremony involvement.

DramaGeek · February 2012

My understanding is that the Fi's uncle cannot officiate because it is outside of the Catholic church. If it were me, I'd acquiesce and have her do a reading or prayer, but make it something toward the end of the ceremony, so that for the majority of the time she's just your mom, sitting in the pew.

Avion22 · February 2012

I can completely understand you wanting her to just be your MOM for one day instead of being your pastor. Especially since, presumably, the MOG won't be saying any prayers or blessings during the ceremony.

I think if you want your mom to sit in the front pew and look pretty as the MOB, then that's all she should do. Have you asked her WHY she feels it's so important to participate actively in the ceremony? Has she met your new pastor? If not, maybe it would make her feel better if she DID meet her, then she would feel better about just letting the new pastor do it.

skippylouwho · February 2012

I understand wanting your mom to just be the MOB that day. Completely understand that. I just wanted to mention that around here Catholic priests do sometimes participate in ceremonies in other churches/faiths. I think it depends on the priest. Some will agree to it and others will not - which for you is neither here nor there since you've already decided not to and again, I don't have a problem with that either (not that it's any of my business anyway) but I don't want people to think I'm saying your wrong when all I'm doing is providing information that yes, some Catholic priests will participate in weddings held in churches of other religions.

pgcp · February 2012

I'd have your mother pray at the ceremony, and the uncle say grace at the reception. I personally find it odd when people don't include close family who are members of the clergy.

melntaitt · February 2012

I think you should have what you want and if she wants to be involved, a prayer at the reception should be enough.

I truly do get it - sometimes you just want your mom to be your mom and nothing more. My mom is a great hostess and a great entertainer but for my wedding, I just want her to sit tight and let someone else lead the show...I feel like she's worked really hard and she deserves it

toothpastechica · February 2012

I was in a similar situation, my dad is a pastor and is not doing our wedding. ( I want him to be able to watch the wedding, and have those memories as a dad not as a pastor at another wedding/working) I think it would be very sweet and appropriate to let her say a prayer/blessing over the marraige, as someone suggested perhaps towards the end of the ceremony. Also maybe she could pray for dinner at the reception? This is how we ARE involved my dad in a pastoral role.

alyssatoepfer · February 2012

Thanks everyone!! I got a lot of good advice and some things to think about. You guys are so great

OliveOilsMom · February 2012

Have you told her you want her there as a mom, not a pastor? Tell her you appreciate the offer, but you'd rather her be sitting in the front row then working the wedding. Or you could also say that if she does something then FI's uncle would be disappointed he didn't get to participate as well.

NOLAbridealmost · February 2012

Hire someone to officiate and then ask both your mom and your FI's uncle to do a reading/give a blessing. That's how I'd play it.

Avion22 · February 2012

I just wanted to add one thing I remembered after I posted about this yesterday....

I remember a few months ago someone posting that in some religions (catholicism maybe? don't remember...) any clergy who attend are supposed to take part in the ceremony in some way, like it's some kind of regulation of the church....or at least that it is considered very poor form for clergy of the same denomination to attend as guests without participating in the ceremony.

I would just check with your mother to see if this is the case with her and with your denomination. From the post a few months ago it seemed like this is something that is generally not known to anyone who isn't a clergy member, so maybe there is something with your church/denomination that is compelling your mother to participate.

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