Gift Giving

mrsheeres · March 2010

My sis-in-law is getting married in May and I'm her MOH and my husband (her brother) is one of the groomsmen. I have hosted her bridal shower, and driven her to each various place she needed to go (bakery, bridal shops, bridal show, etc.) I didn't give her a gift at the shower for selfish reasons: I didn't want to give her "duplicate" gift and I didn't want her to have to choose which one to return. I decided what I wanted to give her based on what I saw her receive at the bridal shower. But now I'm being told that I also need to give her money as a wedding gift, and it should be enough to cover my dinner at the reception! I must have been sheltered growing up, because I've never heard of this before now. I don't mean to sound cheap either, because I'm not. But I've already agreed to be an attendant which included paying for my own dress and shoes, gone with her and most of the time driven her to wherever she needed to go, hosted her shower, purchased her a gift that I know that she both needed and wanted, and now I'm being told I have to "pay" for my own dinner! (BTW, it's not her that's suggesting this at all.) My husband and I wanted to give her the BIG gift because we're family, but due to financial reasons outside my control (the hubby got laid off and we're just now catching up), I feel that we gave within our means and no one should condemn me for not giving her a "wedding gift." I honestly thought that my shower gift was the wedding gift.
Please correct me if I'm wrong.

ThePinkSuperhero · March 2010

Being told by who? Whoever it is, they're wrong AND it's none of their business. Smile and nod, and then do whatever you want.

NuggetBrain · March 2010

Ouch - that's a rough situation. Usually the shower gift is separate from the wedding gift. So technically, the shower gift doesn't take the place of a wedding gift. However, given your situation I would hope the bride is understanding of your inability to put more money out (and you don't have to give a cash gift OR cover your plate). But do at least get a card for the wedding.

Is there something you could make for her that she'd appreciate? Are you crafty, like maybe a scrapbook of wedding stuff for her, or a really pretty and personalized wedding album for her pictures? What about having her and her new husband over for a nice dinner after they return from the honeymoon, making them their favorite meal?

opalsky007 · March 2010

It's common for the shower and wedding gifts to be two different gifts, but you never HAVE to give both. Definitely do not let anyone pressure you into giving a certain amount, especially given your circumstances. If someone has a problem with how much you've given, they've clearly got their priorities all mixed up.

andyandhillary · March 2010

Give what you can afford. It's not about money, it's about the thought. Obviously you are being thoughtful by helping her out with so much.

ashmy211 · March 2010

I was the MOH in a friend's wedding and I was in the same situation as you. I had just graduated college and did not have a full time job yet, paid for her bachelorette party, shower, shower gift, my dress, shoes, etc etc. I wish I could have given her a "big" gift like you mentioned, but I gave her what I could afford. If I had not been her MOH I would have been able to afford something "bigger" - but I think she was just happy to have me be a part of her big day. I'm sure your SIL feels the same. Don't let anyone pressure you to "cover your plate", that's just silly.

Calumet · March 2010

Agreed with everything people said above. The "cover your plate" notion is considered etiquette about gift giving for weddings in general, that said I don't think anyone feels bound by that (or should!). To be honest I do not expect elaborate gifts from anyone in my bridal party, and I would feel uncomfortable if they did. I know for a fact they have shelled out a lot: the dress, the shower (and wonderful gifts at the shower), the bachelorette party. I feel they have given me MORE than enough.

JanoBean75 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-giving-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b5e014c-d80f-4429-aeaa-db818e3c6d46Post:94389bce-f073-4854-80e8-811f3f6e8995">Re: Gift Giving</a>:
[QUOTE]Agreed with everything people said above.<strong> The "cover your plate" notion is considered etiquette about gift giving for weddings in general</strong>, that said I don't think anyone feels bound by that (or should!). To be honest I do not expect elaborate gifts from anyone in my bridal party, and I would feel uncomfortable if they did. I know for a fact they have shelled out a lot: the dress, the shower (and wonderful gifts at the shower), the bachelorette party. I feel they have given me MORE than enough.
Posted by Calumet[/QUOTE]

It's not considered proper etiquette at all. That said, in some areas it seems to be the norm. But just because it's the "norm" does not mean it's proper etiquette. How are people supposed to know how much the per-plate cost is? And does that cost include linens, the chair, the bar? The whole thing is ridiculous.

mags0607 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-giving-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b5e014c-d80f-4429-aeaa-db818e3c6d46Post:ae596258-7450-4e4d-8b5e-e18da794b3e0">Re: Gift Giving</a>:
[QUOTE]It's common for the shower and wedding gifts to be two different gifts, but you never HAVE to give both. Definitely do not let anyone pressure you into giving a certain amount, especially given your circumstances. If someone has a problem with how much you've given, they've clearly got their priorities all mixed up.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

This. And if the bride is not insisting on the "cover your plate" gift, then who thinks that they have a right to dictate this to you?

banana468 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-giving-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6b5e014c-d80f-4429-aeaa-db818e3c6d46Post:94389bce-f073-4854-80e8-811f3f6e8995">Re: Gift Giving</a>:
[QUOTE]Agreed with everything people said above. The "cover your plate" notion is considered etiquette about gift giving for weddings in general, that said I don't think anyone feels bound by that (or should!). To be honest I do not expect elaborate gifts from anyone in my bridal party, and I would feel uncomfortable if they did. I know for a fact they have shelled out a lot: the dress, the shower (and wonderful gifts at the shower), the bachelorette party. I feel they have given me MORE than enough.
Posted by Calumet[/QUOTE]

TOTALLY FALSE.

People claim that this is proper but it never was and isn't now. It's actually rather offensive.

OP, if I'm invited to both the shower and wedding, I give a gift for each. Generally DH and I have a 'total budget' and give a shower gift as a portion of it. The wedding gift is often larger but not because it's to cover our plate at all.

I'm curious - who is telling you that you 1, need to give the gift and 2, that it cover your plate. Is this person telling you how much the reception costs?

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