Got a new house, questions for the girls...

Pandya Photography · January 2011

Hey girls,

So me and my wife to be just got a new home. It's great, the downstairs floor is for our photography studio and office, and upstairs are the bedrooms and living spaces.

I am the oldest in my family, and intend on having my parents move in with me. I know we are not in India and times have changed, but I just don't think I would want them to be alone. The new house is large enough where everyone would have ample space to breathe.

For the brides, are you moving to a place with your husband, or with him and his family. What are your thoughts?

DFWIndian · January 2011

I think it's really sweet. Also, as long as it's something you would do for your wife's parents it's nice (I know guys who the parent's moving in is only something for their parents not hers).

Personally My FI has a house already. One roommate already moved out and the other one is moving out in March so I'll be moving in after the wedding in June. It will be just us. I know if either one of our parent's needed the help we would try and help them out.

temurlang · January 2011

I do not want my ILs moving in with us. Nor my own dad.

DH is the oldest child and only son. He supports his parents and sister in their own home in India. I am fine with sending the parents money, although I do have an issue with his sister because she's 36, single, and doesn't work... we are trying to get her an arranged marriage, but it's been difficult due to her personality.

In public, my ILs are fine, and in India they also treated me well, and in fact I would say better than their own daughter. I also don't mind wearing a silwar kameez at home in India and stuff like that, but I just don't think I should have to in the US (I'm not Desi). But when they come here, it's like two months of hell for me. They expect me to ask permission (which they won't give) to go out or talk on the phone, and MIL treats me like the maid, dropping stuff on the floor and ordering me to clean up after her. They also spend astronomical amounts of money when they're here.

I'm sure it can work out fine for some people. I think it depends a lot on if the ILs have activities. Because mine aren't from here, the only activities they have are shopping, watching TV, complaining about the US, and focusing on me while DH is at work. If they were from here, they would have a routine and friends, like they do in India, and I think that would be better.

HisBelovedOne · January 2011

We haven't been able to come to an agreement on this yet. Considering his incredibly meddling mother and alcoholic father, I'm not comfortable living with them. He's doing the "dutiful oldest son" thing, depsite the abuse they put him through when he was a child. This isn't even factoring in the cultural differences and expectations.

It's on the list of Things To Talk About In Premarital Counseling.

raangoli · January 2011

Out of the two of us, I was the one who didn't live at home and already owned, so my husband moved in with me. It's big enough for the two of us, and an overnight guest, but certainly not big enough for live in parents.

We talk about it from time to time, that most likely at some point my parents might live with us since its how things work in our culture. I've also said though that I have no problem if his mom ever needs to live with us.

This is all down the road in the future though, for now I like that it is just the two of us and would like it to stay that way for a while...

MrsBM · January 2011

I lived with my inlaws for 4 months. I lived with them in their house at my hubby's request...and it was out of the typical desi reasons.

We now have our own place and it's awesome. We needed the space not just from my in laws but for us..to grow up and have responsibilities.

As for having your parents/in laws live with you in your home...I think it's an eventuality. HOwever I do enjoy the alone time hubz and I have. It's helping us grow

AquarianDragon · January 2011

Currently FI and I live in a one bedroom apartment.... I moved in. We've had the parents-moving-in discussion. He said his dad would probably go live with one of his siblings in FL before he'd live with us since we're not traditionally Indian (aka, FI's dad doesn't want to live the white girl). We will have my mom move in with us in the future.... hopefully not for awhile.

temurlang · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_got-new-house-questions-girls?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:35720e8f-5626-4851-b81c-c9d56016f6dbPost:5440f213-538d-4d65-a21f-b5abfe63f558">Re: Got a new house, questions for the girls...</a>:
[QUOTE]Currently FI and I live in a one bedroom apartment.... I moved in. We've had the parents-moving-in discussion. He said his dad would probably go live with one of his siblings in FL before he'd live with us since we're not traditionally Indian <font color="#000080">(aka, FI's dad doesn't want to live the white girl).</font> We will have my mom move in with us in the future.... hopefully not for awhile.
Posted by AquarianDragon[/QUOTE]

How'd you manage that LOL? My ILs haven't noticed I'm not Desi... nor does it seem to be any kind of barrier... actually, I think they see having an American bahu as something to brag about.

HisBelovedOne · January 2011

Temurlang, I'm wondering how you managed to get in-laws that don't despise your skin color. R's parents haven't been too thrilled with his decision to even DATE an American, let alone marry one!

raangoli · January 2011

I think Indian/Desi parents seem to fall into either one of two categories - either the ones who just want to see their children happy, regardless of the race/ethnicity of their chosen husband or wife and those who will not look past the race/ethnicity of the husband or wife.

It's sad, but hopefully with cross cultural marriages becoming more "common", the balance will shift and those in the latter category will see that it's not so bad and even a good thing!

temurlang · January 2011

I think the fact that DH is from India actually makes his parents more accepting than if they lived here. A lot of people (not just SAs) who move to the US feel a need to preserve their culture that sometimes manifests itself in things like who their children can be friends with or marry. They also sometimes live within a small community and feel extra pressure to maintain that identity.

My ILs don't have any of that. Also, the fact that DH supports them shifts the balance of power and I think part of them knows that his trips to India are a choice on his part and they can don't want to alienate him. I think they see it as a sign of sophistication that their son lives overseas and is married to a foreigner.

AquarianDragon · January 2011

Since FI's dad is in TX and we're in CA, it does make it somewhat easier to deal with. FI says that even if I were Desi, if I wasn't Sindhi, his dad would probably still try to keep me off his radar. His dad is just very traditional, plus I'm sure part of it is preservation of Sindhi culture; his dad was 14 when partition happened and his family fled Sindh.

His dad is going to be 78 this year. So generally I just chuck various eccentricities to his age and life experiences. I don't let FFIL bother me.

To bring this back around to topic (lol)... Obviously, if FFIL could no longer live independently, and would consent to live with us, we'd let him even though FFIL would probably drive us crazy!

SonaliPop · January 2011

For me, the only request my boyfriend has is that when we do marry, his parents live with us. This caused a lot of fighting - I am very western, and so is he...but at the end of the day, he just wants to share a house with them. He wants to take care of the parents who took such good care of him. Plus, he grew up with an extended family at home. I came from a nuclear family in the US. He's in London where ...well, people are a lot closer to their traditions.

I am lucky to have a future MIL who doesn't care what caste I am, if I can cook, if I am religious, what my parents do, what degree I hold - the only thing both of our parents care about is if we love eachother. The house has beyond ample space so we'd be at the top floor, they'd be on the middle floor with the other bedrooms and gym, and the downstairs main level would have two living rooms for us to share. I have fought the idea for so long and it was partly because I was assuming it'd be like what I have seen on tv or from horror stories I hear from people, but that was sabotaging any happiness I would have. At the end of the day, if I totally hated it, as difficult as it would be, we'd leave - and I know that'd cause a lot of disruption and unhappiness, so I'll give it my best effort. They don't care if I cook or clean but they'll have to adjust to having a daughter in law who wants a glass of wine at home and who won't be participating in religious things by force or expectation.

It'll be a lot of changes, but I love him and this is the only thing (albeit, its a huge thing) that he asks me for. It's not enough to end things over! I now know lots of people who live in that situation - the majority of his friends do. And seeing that they're all professionals that live their lives, throw parties, and are young and happy...it doesn't totally bother me. I'll have examples to follow and people to get advice from. It's not my perfect fantasy, but he's exactly what I always wanted, so how can I complain too much? I'm glad they're so open minded and friendly and that he's not totally traditional.

Got a new house, questions for the girls...

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