guestlist etiquette

irishxmyst · April 2010

I need some advice on guestlist etiquette (I'll be ordering & sending my invites out soon).

My parents, FI, and I had finalized our guestlist about 6 or 7 months ago when I sent out the Save the Dates. When working on the list we made a rule limiting "plus ones" to people who have been together 1 year or more, or are engaged, or of course married. (I would have loved to allow everyone to bring dates but that's not in our budget.)

At the time, my friend, let's call him Josh, I had alotted only one spot for because he was single (or so we all thought ?). So about 5 months ago (Nov./Dec.-ish), Josh tells me has a girlfriend and he's been dating her for a year and a half. (Mind you, no one in our group of friends knew anything about this (and its odd he was still trying to flirt up a few of my friends 6 months ago.)) Apparently the story goes they met on World of Warcraft and have been dating on there and then in Nov. she moved down from Maine where she'd been living, to CT where he is. Since she moved down I've never met her, only exchange a few facebook messages. Anytime I've seen Josh, she hasn't been there for one reason or another, and only a couple acquaintances of mine met her. Now as of maybe 3 weeks ago, they got engaged (sort of.) ( When I found out on facebook and txted Josh "congrats" he said she was sorting of pressuring/forcing him into it and that she's been wedding obsessed since she moved in with him. He said he bought her a small ring as a gift and now she belives it an engagement ring and already "broke the news" to her parents and he doesn't know what to do so he's playing along for now. All this said, this is partially his fault for not correcting her.)

In any case, I guess my question is now given their situation, would it be proper etiquette to invite her? If money were no object I wouldn't even be asking this question, but we're on a tight budget. Plus my parents have been giving me death threats (hah) if I add anyone else on (they are paying for a lot of the wedding).

So really, given their situation, is it proper etiquette to invite her? During this wedding planning process I always believed in picking and choosing my battles, so is this something I should go to the mat for with my parents to get her on the list? (especially considering they'll point out that I've never even met her so they don't want to pay x amount for her plate). I would just like to know so I don't offend anyone.

mrsamyjones · April 2010

CN: Gave friend "josh" STD, josh is now "engaged", although it's a weird situation, should I now invite "josh's" new fi? MONEY IS TIGHT!!!!!1!

Answer: yes invite josh plus one

miss.jawright · April 2010

If it were me I would not invite her. (But just so you know where I'm coming from I find World of Warcraft relationships dubious.) You don't know her and "josh" is trying to get out of it anyways. Plus if your parents don't want you to add anyone else that would be enough for me. Also it doesn't seem that Josh wants her to come anyways? Are you feeling guilty all on your own? If so just let it go along with the drama that would come with inviting her.

apple_green · April 2010

Yes, you should invite her.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guestlist-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a258f178-5894-4281-948e-1f6780042de0Post:5fa66f91-893e-43cb-88f7-fddd2ba0c56f">Re: guestlist etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]If it were me I would not invite her. (But just so you know where I'm coming from I find World of Warcraft relationships dubious.) You don't know her and "josh" is trying to get out of it anyways. Plus if your parents don't want you to add anyone else that would be enough for me. Also it doesn't seem that Josh wants her to come anyways? Are you feeling guilty all on your own? If so just let it go along with the drama that would come with inviting her.
Posted by miss.jawright[/QUOTE]

<div>1 - It doesn't matter if you personally know the SO of the other person or not.</div><div>2 - It isn't your place to judge if their relationship is legit.</div><div>
</div><div>OP - yes, you invite her. If you sent STDs at the 6-9 month mark you should have built into your guest list a little room in case any of your guests ended up in serious relationships or engaged to the people who they had just started dating at the time. You should use the time when you send your <em>invitations </em>as the marker as to who is in a serious relationship or not.</div><div>
</div><div> If someone was "only" dating someone for 10 months and therefore cut out of the list when you sent your STDs, that means they'll be together for a year and a half by the time your wedding rolls around.</div>

MeaghanandMichael · April 2010

Mery is right, who are you to judge?

Also, Miss Jaw, I have plenty of relationships I formed on here. Is that dubious? I regularly hang out with plenty of people from the knot. Why is WoW different?

beatlesgirl25 · April 2010

Ditto Mery and Meg. Step back from their relationship drama and recognize that she has met the 1+ year requirement for your list.

As for your parents, one more plate isn't going to break the bank, and the logic that you've never even met her does not trump following the etiquette of the rules you have set for others and their SO's. Surely there is someone's wife or husband who you've never met, but they are accompanying their spouse to your wedding.

Also Miss Jaw, I think generalizing any kind of relationships that originate on the internet as "dubious" is foolish and potentially insulting to many people here. Especially in this day and age, and in this setting.

EmmaBride2B · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guestlist-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a258f178-5894-4281-948e-1f6780042de0Post:d60f57fc-9c17-4d8f-be5c-97b8d066e6b4">guestlist etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]When working on the list we made a rule limiting "plus ones" to people who have been together 1 year or more, or are engaged, or of course married.
Posted by irishxmyst[/QUOTE]

<div>One year or more is pretty arbitrary - there are plenty of people that are very serious after a short period of time. If someone is in a serious relationship, they get a plus one.</div>

kimheartsscott · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guestlist-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a258f178-5894-4281-948e-1f6780042de0Post:d55aadbb-b14f-4b16-a7de-3a51b97de719">Re: guestlist etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]CN: Gave friend "josh" STD, josh is now "engaged", although it's a weird situation, should I now invite "josh's" new fi? MONEY IS TIGHT!!!!!1! Answer: yes invite josh plus one
Posted by mrsamyjones[/QUOTE]

Ugh. I just read that whole thing looking for syphilis or chlamydia. I am disappoint.

irishxmyst · April 2010

Thank you ladies for the advice. Two clarifications.
1) I didn't mean to sound like I was judging their relationship. I was trying to provide some background framework. If there was any ambivalence in my voice, it's simply because I don't know what to believe. Josh is, shall we say, a storyteller (I hate to use the word "liar" because he doesn't mean any malice by it). For example, when he was in the army stationed in Iraq, he told us he got shot and we all worried about him, and when he came home and asked to see the scar he admiited he had made it up because he wanted to see how we would react. I didn't write out the whole story in my post, but there are parts of his story about him and his FI that didn't add up, and it makes me wonder exactly what is the deal with their relationship (not from a wedding point of view but just from a concerned friend point of view. I just don't want to see him get hurt). Anyway, if there was uncertainty in my voice it was simply because I was just trying to relate information that I'm not even sure of.

2) I didn't make up the "1 yr +" rule. My parents did. I tried to explain to them that serious relationships can't be measured by length of time but because they are paying for a large part of it, they wanted some sort of hard and fast rule. (Nevermind the double standard that they put up a fit when I want to invite a friend's SO that I haven't met but they are perfectly fine inviting yheir friends that I've never met.) But since they are paying, there's some string attached.

mewebster59 · April 2010

my vote:

Yes you should def invite her

squirrly · April 2010

Yes, she should be invited. Just let your parents know they're living together and engaged, and that should be sufficient to meet their rules, without truly having a fight about it.

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

Yes, you need to invite her.

And realistically, if she bows out of every occasion where you could have met her, she's not going to come anyway.

btrflykate1230 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guestlist-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a258f178-5894-4281-948e-1f6780042de0Post:ec3eaa9c-d231-4f4b-bb03-745567438595">Re: guestlist etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]. 2) I didn't make up the "1 yr +" rule. My parents did. I tried to explain to them that serious relationships can't be measured by length of time but because they are paying for a large part of it, they wanted some sort of hard and fast rule. (Nevermind the double standard that they put up a fit when I want to invite a friend's SO that I haven't met but they are perfectly fine inviting yheir friends that I've never met.) <strong>But since they are paying, there's some string attached.</strong>
Posted by irishxmyst[/QUOTE]

<div>Then you should be a good host and pay for her if your parents won't, since it's rude to invite people who are in relationships without a plus one.</div>

nackiejichole · April 2010

Invite her. The details of their relationship don't really matter other than they live together and in any book I think that is pretty serious.

I also have a +1 rule but it is a little different. Any single OOT guests are allowed a +1 but friends who are not in a relationship I am not addressing the invite for them to bring a guest. This is only to keep some of our VERY single guy friends from bringing some random chick for free food and alcohol like in the past. We are all a big group of friends so they will know all of the other friends as well and will not be alone. Some of them may bring a guest anyway and there is nothing I can do about it but make sure there will be room for any +1 that a single guest may bring.

I am sure there will be at least a few guests who are unable to attend and she will take someones place. It's no big deal. Just make sure you are prepared as if every guest will be in attendance... including a +1. If your parents are concerned about the money then you should cover the cost for her. If he is your friend then do what is right no matter how you feel about her or their relationship.

anne.azano · April 2010

Invite her... and as Mynameisnot said, she may choose not to come. And Josh may choose not to bring her. But, it's up to them to make that decision, not you. If they're engaged, they're engaged, meaning they come as a package deal, regardless of how they met, and how josh feels about her pressuring him to get married.

danieliza1127 · April 2010

I think you need to include her on the invitation if they are still together when invites go out, but I think you should be realistic that she probably won't show up and he might not either.

amlaplante · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guestlist-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a258f178-5894-4281-948e-1f6780042de0Post:7856b4ea-bfa0-49e3-9110-f547ae930eca">Re: guestlist etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to guestlist etiquette : One year or more is pretty arbitrary - there are plenty of people that are very serious after a short period of time. If someone is in a serious relationship, they get a plus one.

I agree 100%. FI and I were together for 7 months when we started talking marriage. At 10 months we were planning the wedding. 14 months he "technically" proposed. A time cut off means nothing.

OP- Yes, you should invite her.
Posted by EmmaBride2B[/QUOTE]

irishxmyst · April 2010

Thank you for all the responses. My personal view is I was planning on inviting her. I just wanted to make sure etiquette was on my side when I addressed this with my parents so I could use it as an argument if they put up a fight. "Mom, dad, you wouldn't want to be seen as coming off as rude, right?'

Kati0105 · April 2010

For example, when he was in the army stationed in Iraq, he told us he got shot and we all worried about him, and when he came home and asked to see the scar he admiited he had made it up because he wanted to see how we would react.

And you are still friends with this person why?

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