::zsa::

MinM · April 2011

After the funeral H was talking to some older couple. He introduced me and we engaged in some small talk. The lady asked if H's parents had come visit us and we said yes, twice. The lady said, "They'll visit more when you start having kids."

I've decided being here, with all of our college-aged friends is much easier, because no one has kids, nor do they expect us to have kids. However, the female admin who is PG is started show and I might throw myself off a bridge.

baconsmom · April 2011

What is wrong with people? Seriously. I don't know how you don't just junkpunch everybody, or start saying wildly inappropriate things in retaliation.

**O-Face** · April 2011

You should really just start poisoning people.

MinM · April 2011

BMom - I don't think I handled myself that well at the party the next day. I was pretty wound up. There were a lot of kids and pregnant women around me at the viewing, on top of losing Paw. Then everyone had their kids at the party, the hostess was PG, the ubiquitous hospital pic was getting to me and they were singing/karyoke country songs all night. I drowned my sorrows in Ketel One and then blurted something out, of which I only have a vague recollection. MinM, keeping it classy.

InksWell · April 2011

^^seems totally appropriate, IMO^^, after all, they couldn't mind their manners in the first place.

baconsmom · April 2011

There were children at a viewing?!?!?! What? No. You don't bring kids to see dead bodies, do you?

I went to my great-grandma's funeral when I was 8, but *only* to the Mass. That was it. There was absolutely no question that I wouldn't be anywhere near a wake or a graveside service.

I think I'd be pulling out the "Wow, you really said that out loud" a LOT.

zsazsa-stl · April 2011

You are always going to have pregnant chicks roaming around and people saying inconsiderate things. I know you are still in a very raw place, but once you have some time to process and consider more options for your life, and maybe once you stop getting other bad news from all sides, it really should get a little easier.

For me it is very useful to remember (and believe me, I don't always remember) that everyone has pain in their life. Some people keep it inside and some wear it on their sleeves. So remember that the pregnant admin has her own set of struggles and her life isn't a rose just because she is pregnant. Maybe she has depression issues. Maybe she was abused as a child and can never really trust anyone. Maybe her husband is a jerk. Maybe her kid will grow up to steal her jewelry to pay for meth.

I'm also trying to remember that maybe this no-kid thing will very much work out in my favor. Maybe I'll have the opportunity to do something that would have been impossible or very difficult with children. Maybe my marriage is a million times better without the stress of children. Maybe I'll be able to afford a real tiara one day and not feel guilty that I'm buying it at the expense of Susie's buck teeth.

And it's a reach, but maybe (disclaimer: I've watched too much sci-fi in my life) in some alternate universe I had children and they were murdered or I accidentally killed them by making a left turn into a semi truck and I asked my fairy godmother to save me from the pain and then one day woke up in this world with broken sperm.

There are so many possibilities and paths in this life. And in the grand scheme of things, when millions of people have born and died on this planet without ever experiencing half of the joy and peace that I see everyday, when right now there are people dying in wars and starving and bleeding to death without a friend to love them, this little infertility thing is not such a big deal.

There might be a child in your future and there might not. Just don't let that hole you feel right now suck the joy out of everything else.

TheDuckis · April 2011

There are always kids at viewings in my family. I went to my first funeral in 3rd grade (my grandmother). But when my great aunt died a couple years back, all 50-something of her grandkids and 20-something of her great grand kids were there, from newborn to adult.

I hate viewings, but I think I'm the only one in my family.

zsazsa-stl · April 2011

I've been going to viewings as long as I can remember. Maybe that is why I'm not as bothered by them.

MinM · April 2011

BMom - my four year old neice hugged Paw, in his casket. Let me tell you, I am all sorts of unsettled over this funeral. It was unlike anything I have ever seen. I was not expecting this. I am used to a church service with songs and people telling stories about the person who had passed. Not preaching the gospel at the grave.

H's assy_uncle was parading his new grandchild all over the viewing. I could NOT get away from him. Then, I went and sat at an empty pew and FIL came up and started telling me who everyone was, how pregnant that ladyt is, etc....Finally I went and sat in the car for a minute, just to get a break.

*Barbie* · April 2011

I have a co-worker who said much the same thing as Zsa - he and his wife were never able to have kids (they drew the line at IVF and adoption) - they tried for about 10 years before finally giving up on the idea. He said that it has gotten easier as they have gotten older ( he's in his late 40's, she in her early 50's) They (seemingly) have a fantastic relationship and are able to do so much that would be hindered by kids. (Travel, going out with friends to concerts/comedy clubs/dinner parties, move for work, etc.)

He said that he knows they will always be sad about not being able to have children, but feels that they have gotten to do so much more because they didn't. I know that you guys have just been getting kicked repeatedly, and you are both still processing and grieving right now, i'm hoping you're feeling better in time.

6fsn · April 2011

That was some very beautiful insight Zsa.

NOLABridesmaid · April 2011

Zsa, that was so perfectly said.

NOLABridesmaid · April 2011

Min, does your job offer employee counseling?

MinM · April 2011

Yes, but I won't go. I never find therapy useful. I have my all the therapy I need in the three refills on my xanax.

MinM · April 2011

zsa - it took female admin seven years to get pregnant with her first, so I know she has had struggles in her life. Also, I wouldn't trade my H for all the tea in China - I KNOW I hit the jackpot with him. I try to keep things in perspective. Sure H's cousin has two kids, but she has no sense.

::zsa::

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