I don't know what to do

Chelsey85 · November 2009

We are currently deciding on our wedding party. My finance has three GM and I have three BM and one best friend that is male. My fiance is not comfortable with my male friend standing next to me but has agreed to have him as a GM putting him at four and me at three. This would be fine but I have two other good friends both of which I think would be upset not being in the wedding party if the other good friend is. I don't know what to do any suggestions?

MyNameIsNot · November 2009

Have the other two. Sides don't have to be even.

Also, your FI doesn't get to decide who he is comfortable with you having on your side. Ask him how he would feel if you tried to dictate that his BM couldn't be his BM. Your guy friend should be on your side.

stina93446 · November 2009

[QUOTE]We are currently deciding on our wedding party. My finance has three GM and I have three BM and one best friend that is male. My fiance is not comfortable with my male friend standing next to me but has agreed to have him as a GM putting him at four and me at three. This would be fine but I have two other good friends both of which I think would be upset not being in the wedding party if the other good friend is. I don't know what to do any suggestions?
Posted by Chelsey85[/QUOTE]

First off, WHY is your fi uncomfortable with your guy friend standing next to you? By uncomfortable, do you mean he thinks that men should only be on his side, or that he doesn't like this guy? Confused about this....men can most definitely be on either side, as well as women, and if he's YOUR friend, he should definitely be on your side. I would tell your FI to take a flying leap.

Ask these other girls to be in your BP too. No need for equal sides. If you love them and can't imagine your wedding day without them, ask.

When is your wedding? If it's more than a year away, it's too early to think about BP or even asking people.

pandasquishy · November 2009

I think your guy friend can be on either side. You have to pick and choose your battles, so how strongly does your FI feel about it?

Uneven sides are a-ok in my book. Either ask your two friends or don't. If you are closer with one and not the other, I don't see any reason why you can't ask one and not the other. That's their problem if they can't be apart, not yours.

MyNameIsNot · November 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_dont-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:33deca6d-637f-4b2c-be5f-2bcb0ff1b7e6Post:4151782e-4a33-414b-bd80-96e50b9a2a84">Re: I don't know what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]I think your guy friend can be on either side. You have to pick and choose your battles, so how strongly does your FI feel about it?
Posted by pandasquishy[/QUOTE]

A FI dictating who can be your closest friends is a battle I'd fight.

stina93446 · November 2009

A FI dictating who can be your closest friends is a battle I'd fight.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

This. To me, it feels like after the wedding, he'll tell me that I can't be friends with people.

banana468 · November 2009

Are you saying that two other male friends would want to be in the WP? Why can't they all be on your side?

Chelsey85 · November 2009

My FI just doesn't think guys should be on the brides side, when I asked him about it he was having trouble explaining it. He is totally cool with my guy friend and has no problem with us being friends (we would have never gotten to this point if he was not ok with this as my guy friend has been a friend for many years before I even met my FI).

I do love both the other girls dearly we just go through phases of hanging out, we havn't been as close recently but I have known them since middle school and know that we will always be friends, so you are probably right I should just have them both in the wedding or choose one and if they are really upset it will just show I made a good decision!

Chelsey85 · November 2009

It is one guy friend and the other two are girls that I just wasn't sure if I wanted them in the wedding party because I don't want too many people standing up there. I have been one of 7 and one of 8 before and you don't even see the ones at the end of the row in the pictures!

MyNameIsNot · November 2009

My FI just doesn't think guys should be on the brides side,

I just don't think that's ok. Your WP is your chance to honor your closest friends. It's symbolic. Tradiitionally, men couldn't be on the bride's side because it was improper for women to have male friends. He's injecting some antiquated notion that he can't even explain, and it sounds really controlling to me.

stina93446 · November 2009

Don't worry about the pictures. It's hard to get everyone in anyways. The photographer will take sepeerate shots of your BP sides standing next to you. Getting a huge panoramic is so far back anway that you can barely tell who it is. Don't let a silly picture prevent you from honoring your friends.

trix1223 · November 2009

WPs are not about gender and they're not about symmetry. They are about having those you care most about stand with you on your wedding day.

So you choose your party, and your FI chooses his. Your side can be mixed gender, and his side can be mixed gender. And please don't choose people to satisfy a random number. That's a very happily outdated idea of choosing a WP.

bablingbrooke · November 2009

Your FI doesn't get veto power over "your side." So have your friends. If he wants to make a big deal about it, you've gotten a preview about how your married life will be.

Chelsey85 · November 2009

My fiance is wonderful and I do not mind that he doesn't want my guy friend standing on my side and would perfer he stood next to him, he is not asking me to not honor him or not have him in the wedding he knows he is an important part of my life and therefore his as well. I was dealing with the equal sides issue and the two additional friends. If he had four and me three I know it would hurt both of my two other girl friends not to have them in the wedding when it appears there is a "spot" for them, I have never invisioned a "large" wedding party for my wedding because of the picture issue which you all have helped me realize that was silly and I should honor all my close friends!

stina93446 · November 2009

Again, ignore Chelsey.

Chelsey, your advice is no good sweetie. A person should stand on the side of the person they're supporting, not the side that has the same gentalia as themselves. And we already told you, sides do not have to be even.

MeaghanandMichael · December 2009

This seems like a control issue, not a WP issue. I would think harder about this on Chelsey and what the underlying issues are here. Red flag much?

emilyinchile · December 2009

I'm going to somewhat come out in support of the FI here. I agree with PPs that he doesn't get to dictate which of your friends is allowed to stand next to you AND that nowadays it's fine to have mixed gender sides. But at the same time, I think that's pretty modern thinking - I've never seen mixed gender or uneven sides that I can remember. Even if tradition is "wrong," it's still what a lot of people are used to, and I don't think that your FI is necessarily being controlling if he just said that he didn't like the idea.

If you don't mind having your guy friend on your FI's side, I think that's your call (assuming that FI expressed his opinion like a grown up and didn't flat-out say you couldn't or otherwise try to control your friendships). But if you'd like your friend on your side, talk to your FI again and explain that this is normal now. As far as your other friends, if you're not 100% sure you want them up there with you, you're not at all obligated to ask.

CTGirl30 · December 2009

1. Ask your friends if you want them in your wedding party and can't imagine getting married without them standing by your side. Don't ask out of a sense of obligation or feeling of guilt or worrying about hurt feelings. Everyone in question is an adult, right? Also, don't worry about what they may or may not be thinking - the notion of "seeing a spot they could have filled" is silly. WPs are not about filling spots or having equal sides - they are about honoring the people closest to you.

Which brings me to point #2...

2. It is an outdated notion that only women can stand on the brides side and only men should stand on the grooms side. I'm not sure why your FI is so bothered by that, but if YOU don't mind asking your male friend to stand by your groom instead of you...then that's your choice. BUT please understand that there's no "rule" saying that he must stand with the men, or that your FI wouldn't be allowed to have a woman on his side (close female friend or relative, for example). I hope it's not an issue of jealousy or control, etc...and rather, it's just him being misinformed about the fact that modern wedding parties are not infrequently composed of uneven sides, or mixed gender sides, etc. If it's the latter, print off this thread and edumacate him. :-)

mbcdefg · December 2009

I agree with Emily. I think it's silly that your FI doesn't want your guy friend on your side, but I also don't think it's "controlling." I think he's just not used to the idea. But if he didn't want the guy friend in the wedding party at all, then THAT would really be controlling.

Whether you want to fight your FI on this is up to you. I would personally talk to him about it again and convince him to be O.K. with the guy friend standing up with you. Maybe show him some Knot pictures to put his mind at ease ... I'm sure that girls here who had male attendants will gladly share theirs.

As for the two girlfriends ... if you're close to them, ask them both to be attendants. If you're only close to one, then just ask her. If you're honestly not that close with either, then don't ask them at all.

From my experience ... if you have to convince yourself that you should add someone, it's probably a good idea NOT to add them. I was originally thinking of asking a third girl to be a BM, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that we're primarily friends because of our significant others, not really friends (not CLOSE friends, anyway ... we get along well when we do hang out together) in our own right.

jeannigirl · December 2009

Well Chelsy if you are ok that one of your friends whether it me male or female gets put on FI's side then their is nothing more that we can offer up about it. If it was me I would have whoever I wanted on my side and my FI would have whoever he wanted. Just has long has these individuals were in support of our union.

If you want to have the other girls in your party then have them. I am not so sure has to what the real problem is other than you want to make the sides even. Which noone ever does that anymore. Break away from some tradional old school rules. Their should be none concerning how you want you want your wedding to be.

I don't know what to do

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