XP: I'm so mortified... need advice

ninaelizabeth3 · October 2012

So yesterday my parents invited the in-laws over for dinner and then we'd all open the cards and gifts together after. It was going great until the end... We have some amazing friends and family, and they were sooo generous with us. We get to the last card and FIL says, hey, did you get one from your Aunt ___? We said, no, we didn't open one. And he says.... "well, I'm going to call her! How rude!"

Are you kidding me! Her, her husband and two kids made the trip up to NY from Virginia to be with us, you are not calling her to bring up that she didn't get us a card!! We asked him not to. Besides, technically they have a year to send something anyways, and it's so damn rude!!

We stop over their house later to pick up a few things from the wedding, and he says, I just got off the phone with her, and she explained that things were tight with traveling, so they're going by the year rule. OMG. I'm mortified! We asked him not to. We didn't expect the generosity we received and that's so tacky to call. So my HUSBAND (ahh!) said, I can't believe you called her and mentioned it. FIL then flips out yelling at us that "he just has our best interests at heart and to just stop questioning him. If it was your brothers that didn't give you a gift, wouldn't you call?" UMM NO!!

We really want to apologize to her for him calling and putting her on the spot. Do you think it's out of line to just send a quick message that says something like:

We are so glad you all were able to make the long trip up for the wedding. It means more to us than anything. We apologize for FIL calling, he was out of line.

Or something like that? WWED?

Calypso1977 · October 2012

i think your first mistake was opening gifts with everyone. taht should be done in private, between you and your H. its no one's business but yours as to what people gave (or didnt give).

the aunt is wrong to think she has a year to give, that's a myth. but she never should have been put into a position to explain herself.

ninaelizabeth3 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-im-so-mortified-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a10ae517-737d-4060-a6f7-831e70587de5Post:59485cfa-1cc5-4619-8e4b-27753bd35035">Re: XP: I'm so mortified... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>i think your first mistake was opening gifts with everyone. taht should be done in private, between you and your H.</strong> its no one's business but yours as to what people gave (or didnt give). the aunt is wrong to think she has a year to give, that's a myth. but she never should have been put into a position to explain herself.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

It's just something that our family has always done that way.

wrigleyville · October 2012

No, don't call your FIL out. It will just create more drama if he finds out. A thank you card is no place for family business.

itzMS · October 2012

In retrospect, obviously, you should've never agreed to open cards in front of people.

Now, it's probably your best bet to just ignore the situation & move on. I had some "etiquette" issues with how my FIL & SMIL dealt with some things, but DH & I didn't apologize for their behavior that we couldn't control. It just comes with the territory.

LiLe422 · October 2012

In Response to Re: XP: I'm so mortified... need advice:
[QUOTE]I might write her a thank you note, thanking her for traveling and saying that their being there was all the gift you need. She'll figure out you two didn't put him up to it. That stinks, sorry your FIL was being so rude, your poor Aunt.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Exactly this.

Even though he was out of line, I would not say that to her. A statements like that tends to cause a snowball effect of making matters worse. Be very cognizant of what you say to her, it more than likely will get back to FIL.

ninaelizabeth3 · October 2012

thank you all for the advice

MrsMack10612 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-im-so-mortified-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a10ae517-737d-4060-a6f7-831e70587de5Post:1b91db44-eeac-43b5-8167-ba83cff5adcd">Re: XP: I'm so mortified... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP: I'm so mortified... need advice : It's just something that our family has always done that way.
Posted by ninaelizabeth3[/QUOTE]

I've never understood this mentality, in regard to anything. If everyone kept doing everything the way they've always done, nothing would every improve or get better.

Yes, some traditions will always be around; but some shouldn't and letting others know how much someone else has (or hasn't) given you should be private and not something that should be done in perpetuity "because we always have".

ETA - I have no idea why this is centering.

Peledreamsofrain · October 2012

Firstly, just because it's a family tradition doesn't mean it's the right or smart thing to do. It's unfair to the people giving gifts to you to have to have their items face a judgement panel. Your FIL demonstrated that that is exactly what was happening. Secondly, finances are as personal as anything you could keep in your underwear drawer, and monetary gifts have just as much place as public spectacle as your underwear does. If you ever get them again, do not open them in front of a group. Bad bad bad idea. Third, do not stir the pot more. You've already unintentionally stirred enough. Write her a lovely thank you for coming to the wedding, and graciously mention that their presence was gift enough. Your poor aunt will probably give you a gift anyway, since she's been publically shamed, but at least she'll know you don't share your FIL's feelings.

pearls687 · October 2012

I would write a note thanking them for coming and not mention a gift in any way. Even saying their presence was gift enough is such a loaded statement and can be misconstrued. You don't want it to seem as though you expected a gift, noticed they didn't give one, are calling her out in a passive/aggressive way for not giving one, or even remotely had anything at all to do with FIL's opinion or call. I would just leave the gift reference out altogether and fluff it up with how much their presence meant to you both.

Ali092011 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-im-so-mortified-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a10ae517-737d-4060-a6f7-831e70587de5Post:80ef31f6-b123-4d60-af3f-b18666af3a4f">Re: XP: I'm so mortified... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I would write a note thanking them for coming and not mention a gift in any way. <strong>Even saying their presence was gift enough is such a loaded statement and can be misconstrued.</strong> You don't want it to seem as though you expected a gift, noticed they didn't give one, are calling her out in a passive/aggressive way for not giving one, or even remotely had anything at all to do with FIL's opinion or call. I would just leave the gift reference out altogether and fluff it up with how much their presence meant to you both.
Posted by pearls687[/QUOTE]

I see that side of it, but I still think it's best to say something such as, "Your presence was the best gift you could have given us" or something to that effect ONLY because of the situation that happened with FIL. I say this because under normal circumstances it would be weird to send a thank you note just for coming to the wedding, and if the note says simply, "Thanks for coming to the wedding, it meant a lot," that can be misconstrued as a gift grab.

motherhen25515 · October 2012

How is the OP opening gifts in front of parents and in-laws any different than opening gifts at a bridal shower?

Ali092011 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-im-so-mortified-need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a10ae517-737d-4060-a6f7-831e70587de5Post:5945dd80-e9e2-490c-9846-282ffd6662c5">Re: XP: I'm so mortified... need advice</a>:
[QUOTE]How is the OP opening gifts in front of parents and in-laws any different than opening gifts at a bridal shower?
Posted by motherhen25515[/QUOTE]

I don't think there's anything wrong with opening physical gifts in front of friends and family. I know in a lot of families, that is traditional. Several of H and my gifts were actually sent to my parents' house, mostly by their friends and our older relatives. I feel like cards/monetary gifts are different, though. I just simply think it's no one's business what was given, and obviously OP's situation is an example as to why it can end in embarrassment.

Believe me, my mom and sister are incredibly curious how much money we "made," and I have bean-dipped them several times because I just think it's not appropriate.

banana468 · October 2012

IMO, it's TOTALLY different to open wedding gifts in front of family compared to shower gifts.

The shower gift is given with the notion that it will be opened in front of a crowd. When I give a wedding gift, it's either money or it's something sent to the couple alone. Either way, it's addressed to the two of them only.

I'd expect other people to see the bride and groom open their gifts as much as I'd expect others to watch them open their normal mail - I don't. They're private and no one else's business.

Loopyseven · October 2012

Many families have the tradition of opening gifts in front of each other. I'd say this is a case of knowing your audience. MIL made many comments about wanting to watch us open our gifts so she could see who gave us what. We made a point to do it privately. And bean dipped many references and questions about it. She did the same thing at our baby shower recently - wanting to know who gave what so she could make sure that we were gifted "as well as" she has done for her other neices and nephews for their kids, etc. Since we were staying with her and she hosted that shower we couldn't really keep that from her, but it was awkward. Only you and your H can know if you should be surprised at FIL's antics. It sounds like you didn't expect it, so it, so following your family tradition is fine. At this point I agree with the PP's who have said to just write a nice note, and mention that you really appreciate the fact that they travelled so far to spend the wedding day with you and you look forward to hopefully seeing them again soon. I wouldn't specifically mention the phone call with FIL cause it seems like it would just be stirring the pot at this point.

Cortney1982 · October 2012

And this is why wedding cards should never be opened in front of family. Whatever is in them including cash/checks is only suppose to be between you and your spouse.

Anyways, I would not send a card or say anything at all. You'll just end up digging a deeper hole and bring further embarrassment to this aunt. I would hope she knows this is typical FIL behavior and that you are probably mortified.

Calypso1977 · October 2012

IMO, it's TOTALLY different to open wedding gifts in front of family compared to shower gifts.

The shower gift is given with the notion that it will be opened in front of a crowd. When I give a wedding gift, it's either money or it's something sent to the couple alone. Either way, it's addressed to the two of them only.

agreed. most would not attend a shower without a gift since the shower is a gift giving event. ive rarely seen money or gift cards given at showers. im also careful as to what i write in the cards at showers as i know they often are read aloud and/or passed around with the gift, whereas in the wedding card i tend to write a more heartfelt, personal message as i expect (hope) that it will only be seen by the bride and groom.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2012

No, I would not mention this again. Bringing it up will just be embarassing, even though your intentions are good.

Jen4948 · October 2012

I think the difference between opening gifts at a shower and opening gifts at other times is that when you open gifts at a shower, all the gift-givers are present, plus, what is given at the shower is less likely to be discussed with others than general wedding gifts. Also, I think that "expectations," shall we say, of what will be given as a shower gift are lower than they are for wedding gifts, so there is less of a feeling that they should "measure up."

But in any case, in most places in America, at least, gift opening, while expected at showers, isn't expected as part of the main agenda at weddings, so there are a lot less opportunities to compare and judge gifts.

bridejl · October 2012

I honestly feel bad for the OP because her legitimate question was hijacked into a debate about how/when to open wedding gifts. Not terribly helpful information for her, considering her gifts were already opened- what's done is done, move on. I feel so strongly about this because opening gifts at a post-wedding brunch in front of family is a cultural thing. Not everyone and every family is the same way. In Polish culture, a day-after "poprawiny" is customary. It 's another reason to eat, drink and keep the celebration going. I looked forward to the poprawiny because it would be a more low-key way to really catch up with our out of town family. In my opinion, opening gifts by yourself would be boring. And this OP said that they opened the gifts and cards in front of their parents only- they probably had the expectation that their parents would execute common decency. Live and learn, but telling her that what she did wrong in the first place is not helpful.

SKPM · October 2012

In Response to Re:XP: I'm so mortified... need advice:[QUOTE]I honestly feel bad for the OP because her legitimate question was hijacked into a debate about how/when to open wedding gifts. Not terribly helpful information for her, considering her gifts were already opened what's done is done, move on. I feel so strongly about this because opening gifts at a postwedding brunch in front of family is a cultural thing. Not everyone and every family is the same way. In Polish culture, a dayafter quot;poprawinyquot; is customary. It 's another reason to eat, drink and keep the celebration going. I looked forward to the poprawiny because it would be a more lowkey way to really catch up with our out of town family. In my opinion, opening gifts by yourself would be boring. And this OP said that they opened the gifts and cards in front of their parents only they probably had the expectation that their parents would execute common decency. Live and learn, but telling her that what she did wrong in the first place is not helpful. Posted by bridejl[/QUOTE]
I'm just guessing here, but perhaps PPs offered advice and opinions on gift opening in general because other future brides are likely to read this. I didn't see comments that were particularly "telling the OP what she did wrong" so much as pointing out, for the sake of others, "here's a reason to reconsider opening gifts in front of others." Hopefully OP is able to handle her situation with grace, and maybe another bride or two will spare herself the predicament altogether.

DramaGeek · October 2012

Eh, everyone in my family does the gift opening in front of family. It's more of a family gathering for everyone to get together one more time before they all head home. No one really pays attention to the gift opening. We did open some of our cards at that gathering, but we certainly didn't announce how much (if anything) was included in the card.

As far as your problem, OP, I agree with writing a sweet note thanking them for traveling to your wedding but don't mention your FIL's comment. I totally get why you want to say something but it was his faux pas/rudeness, not yours.

s-aries8990 · October 2012

I agree with DramaGeek. Thank them for traveling to your wedding and don't mention the word gift at all. To add, If they do get you a gift, send them another TY about how it was unexpected, considering the great lengths it took them to attend. And from now on, you may want to double-think the opening personal gifts in front of family thing again lol.

Laurmi · October 2012

I think that by opening gifts in front of everyone, you were sort of asking for something like this to happen. Even if it's a tradition....I mean think of all the possible issues that could arise. Eeek! I do feel for you. He was way out of line to do something like that. I would just let it go though, because mentioning it to them would make it seem like it's an actual issue, when the only issue seems to be your FIL. Send them a thank you note and don't mention anything about a gift.

Good luck!

Laura

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