This might be long. I'm usually long winded, so this probably won't be any different. I will use paragraphs, proper spacing, and CN at the end. So thanks if you make it through this.
As I've said, we're eloping on Friday. We have plans, which pre-dated our plans to elope, to go visit Todd's family and friends in Connecticut this weekend. New Year's Eve is my ex-husband's holiday this year, so our initial plans were to drop Johnny (my older son) off at his house on our way to CT. When we decided to elope, we explained to Johnny that he could come with us to CT, but that we would be going out that night with friends so he would be spending NY Eve with Todd's parents. We also offered him the option to keep his plans with his father that night and celebrate NY Eve with him, as planned. Johnny decided that he'd like to still visit with his father that night. So, it turns out that several hours after our ceremony, we'll be going to my ex husband's house. Here comes my question.
Should I tell my ex husband before Friday that we'll be getting married that day? We have a good enough relationship that I imagine is probably better than most exes. We see each other every week, and we're all very friendly. We've been divorced for five years now. He has been through several bad relationships since the divorce, and has a habit of getting reminiscent and "why don't you love me anymore" when he is single. Todd has always suspected that my ex still had feelings for me, and I have always done my best to assure him that this isn't the case. Whether or not that was the right course of action remains to be seen, but it's what has felt right for me. There is no threat of me developing feelings for my ex when he gets this way, and I understand it to be precisely what it is: When he is single and feeling vulnerable, the easiest thing to do is reconsider the past. As I'm part of his past, he begins to reconsider me. When he is happy, he sees things for what they are, and I know that he does not wish that we were still together. I'm not sure that makes sense written out, but it makes sense in my head. My gut is that my ex doesn't really have feelings for me, he just thinks he does when he is lonesome.
So, with that being said, what should I do? He and I were together from a young age, and I know him very well. I feel like that news should be something that I deliver to him so that he has time to digest it. I feel somewhat guilty when considering telling him of my plans before they occur, but not telling our families until after. What do you think...am I over thinking this? If I tell him ahead of time, am I doing a disservice to our families by letting him in on the secret but not telling them? If I don't tell him ahead of time, am I possibly blindsiding the man and setting him up to be uncomfortable and embarrassed when we drop Johnny off on Friday?
I keep trying to reverse the roles and think of how I would want him to deliver the news to me, were the tables turned. The problem with that is, I have never had one of those "Oh no, why won't you come back to me!" moments. Even though I believe his moments to be misguided, he has had like 10 of these since our divorce, the last of which was fairly recent. I'm not sure I understand it from his perspective and therefore am not sure how to handle it. WWYD?
CN- Eloping Friday, ex husband is kind of whiny and needy, not sure when to tell him the news.