FI family guest list - getting frustrated (long)

starla827 · October 2010

We are trying to finalize out guest list and get all the addresses so we can send out our STDs. I already have my side of the family and our friends, and I am trying to get FI’s family.

I spoke with FMIL last night. I got some helpful answers, but I am now feeling pretty frustrated.

- FI's family is Russian, so they have both Russian and English names. His mom sometimes doesn't know their name (either one) and often does not know how to spell them. I don't want to look like a jerk who sends an invite to the wrong name or spelled wrong.

- In the 4 years FI and I have been together, he has never seen or spoken to anyone on his dad's side of the family, other than his grandfather. We are inviting them, but FMIL does not know the addresses. Instead of finding them out for me (like I asked her to 3 weeks ago), she found phone numbers that may or may not be current so we can call and ask. That's more work for FI and me, when we aren't even the ones who wanted to invite these people.

- As we were talking, she started adding all these other people to the original list because they are nice and "rich" and would give us nice gifts. And they went to FI's Bar Mitzvah (12 year ago!), so of coarse they would want to attend the wedding! FI doesn't even remember these people, and his family has not spoken to them in like 10 years. I know that FMIL mostly wants to invite them because she wants us to get more gifts, and that makes me really uncomfortable. I don't want the wedding to be a gift grab and I don't want us to come off that way.

- Maybe this last thing is just my personal issue and I need to get over it, but I am also kind of worried that his family's presence at the wedding is going to overshadow my family. My family is fairly small and mild mannered. His family is much larger and they are more intense (for lack of a better word). We are already having a Jewish wedding (I am not Jewish) and I agreed to play some Russian music for his family (my family is not Russian), and I am kind of worried that it is becoming less of a combination of our families and more of my family assimilating into his family.

I really love FI’s family. They are wonderful people. But I just don’t know what to do about this. Should I put my foot down and cut out some of her more unnecessary invites? Should I just go with the flow and do what she asks? Would it reflect poorly on me and FI and be insulting to our guests if we invite people we don’t even know and write the wrong names or spell them wrong? Am I just stressing over nothing?

marissa_claire · October 2010

How about this:

After you come up with a total number for how many guests you have room for, tell FMIL she can come up with a list of 1/3 of that number (then 1/3 to you and FI, 1/3 to your p's). She needs to give you a spreadsheet or something of how she wants things to look on the invites. Have FI explain that to her, and she'll figure it out. If she doesn't, then have FI tell her that either she needs to make cuts (and find out names, addresses) or FI and you will have to make the cuts for her.

rknox88 · October 2010

As far as the extra guests so you can have extra gifts-explain, or have FI explain, that that makes you two uncomfortable and remind her that it costs money to have those guests in attendance. If you don't invite them, and spend the money on them, you won't receive their gift, however, you can use the money you didn't spend on them to buy that blender or your registry- or something along those lines. Essentially it takes money to make money.

While finalizing the guest list is important you don't have to have that done for STDs. Just send save the dates to people you are absolutely certain you will be inviting. Those 3rd cousins FMIL is insisting on do not need a save the date and that will leave you time to get it across to her that they cannot be accommodated at the wedding.

Beachy730 · October 2010

I would refuse to invite anyone I didn't have the address for or at least the right name. And honestly, if she doesn't know the name why does she want them invited?
Who is paying for the wedding? Do you have a limit on your guest list? If you are paying you have full control over who is invited. Either way I would tell your FMIL that she can invite X amount of people, and to make her cuts accordingly. Is she isn't paying for the wedding then her guest list is only a wish list of who she would like invited that you can go off of.
As for being one sided, our wedding was very one sided with family. My mom has a huge family and we are very close, and H's family is very small. We were very fair though and invited the same family members from each side, aunts, uncles, first cousins, and great aunts and uncles. It just happened that in my family that constited about 70 people, and in H's only about 30. I would suggest doing the same. Its easy to do a broad cut, like first cousins only, and that would probably get rid of a lot of your FMILs list.

starla827 · October 2010

My family is paying for the wedding, but his family has offered to pay for the honeymoon and some other stuff, if we need.

I like the idea of pointing out that each person we invite costs $X and is it really worth it. She responds well to money-saving ideas.

I just don't want them to feel like I don't care about their family. I do. And I would like to meet more of them. But really, is the wedding the most appropriate time to meet a whole bunch of people for the first time? Especially if the Groom doesn't know them either?

mgietler76 · October 2010

As far as his "family's presence at the wedding is going to overshadow my family" I totally get that as I have 9 people in my family and we have a guest list of 135 so far! I wouldn't worry about it though, try not to stress time and remember even if you weren't playing any Russian songs, nobody is going to like every single song you play, just make sure to have a good mix.

Edited for poor grammer

Beachy730 · October 2010

Can you play the Russian music in the background during dinner?

ichellemay1 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-family-guest-list-getting-frustrated-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6e115c5f-8ef5-473c-a9c2-9351fb16c23dPost:8b6e41e6-8d68-40f0-a342-e5f3a353d251">FI family guest list - getting frustrated (long)</a>:
[QUOTE] - As we were talking, she started adding all these other people to the original list because they are nice and "rich" and would give us nice gifts. And they went to FI's Bar Mitzvah (12 year ago!), so of coarse they would want to attend the wedding! FI doesn't even remember these people, and his family has not spoken to them in like 10 years. I know that FMIL mostly wants to invite them because she wants us to get more gifts, and that makes me really uncomfortable. I don't want the wedding to be a gift grab and I don't want us to come off that way.Posted by starla827[/QUOTE]

I had a similar situation with my xMIL. I wish I'd had the guts then (almost 20 years ago) to stand up to her. I agree with PPs - you need to show her the cost per person, etc. Hopefully she will realize how silly it is to invite someone for those reasons.

sister2groom · October 2010

If it's just save-the-dates, for the people whose names she won't give you, I would put down her and the retrun addresse.

FI family guest list - getting frustrated (long)

Re: FI family guest list - getting frustrated (long)

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