Mom hosting RD - I want more

lizzywiz · August 2012

My mom graciously offered to host our RD. We accepted. She picked a location and we're getting ready to look over menu, make decisions and sign a contract. I mentioned having an open bar and my mom says, "I had already thought that I really don't want to have alcohol available that night. The next day is an early start, and we are already having plenty to drink at the reception."

Personally, I really want to have alcohol at the RD. Would it be bratty of me to offer to pay for the open bar since she doesn't want to? I don't want to hurt her feelings since she is the host and wants to pay for this herself. She literally said, "I really wanted to pay for this myself". So, what should I do?

DramaGeek · August 2012

I'd let it go, if it were me. Then again, we had a dry wedding so obviously it's not that important to me.

ElleB87 · August 2012

I agree with PP, let it go. It's one night, I'm sure you and your wedding party can handle not drinking for one night. And your mom is right, the next day is going to start early. The "right" thing to do in this situation is to graciously accept the gift your mother has given you. Your mom has already said she wants to pay for the RD herself so going around her to fund a bar for the event that SHE is hosting is rude and will likely hurt her.

banana468 · August 2012

Can you talk to her about offering beer and wine only? I know a guest graciously accepts what is offered but if I just traveled to be in a wedding and heard that the MOB was parenting the guests which is what she's doing by saying that it's an early start the next day, I'd be p!ssed.

lizzywiz · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-rd-i-want-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e1e2aa3-ff77-46e0-9ea4-3e3ff6176bc9Post:dcfd764a-9260-4dd0-9838-66ccb4b280a2">Re:Mom hosting RD I want more</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you talk to her about offering <strong>beer and wine only</strong>? I know a guest graciously accepts what is offered but if I just traveled to be in a wedding and heard that the MOB was parenting the guests which is what she's doing by saying that it's an early start the next day, I'd be p!ssed.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what I want - it's what we're having at the reception as well. The RD is at an italian restaurant and it seems weird to me NOT to have wine. But, I value my mom's feelings more than booze.</div>

blgrout · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-rd-i-want-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e1e2aa3-ff77-46e0-9ea4-3e3ff6176bc9Post:5656dfb2-36ec-4601-aed0-39ddabc6ab62">Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP, let it go. It's one night, I'm sure you and your wedding party can handle not drinking for one night. And your mom is right, the next day is going to start early. The "right" thing to do in this situation is to graciously accept the gift your mother has given you. Your mom has already said she wants to pay for the RD herself so going around her to fund a bar for the event that SHE is hosting is rude and will likely hurt her.
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

^^This.

We had an open bar at our RD, and exactly 2 people ordered drinks. People won't miss it, and it sounds like your mom will probably be offended if you bring it up again.

TheSlowskys · August 2012

In Response to Re:Mom hosting RD I want more:[QUOTE]Can you talk to her about offering beer and wine only?

I know a guest graciously accepts what is offered but if I just traveled to be in a wedding and heard that the MOB was parenting the guests which is what she's doing by saying that it's an early start the next day, I'd be p!ssed. Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. No one is going to get hammered. Our rd is on a Friday and people are traveling, maybe staying in a hotel both nights, and leaving work early to make it to my rehearsal. I would like for them to enjoy a couple glasses of wine if they would like.

Habs2Hart · August 2012

We had a dry RD, it was fine. If that's what your mother wants, I'd let it go. It's just one dinner.

willywally5 · August 2012

I think your mom has made it pretty clear and I wonder if her biggest concern is people getting shiiitfaced the night before the wedding. I'm a MOB and that is a concern for us with the crew of GM/Ushers. Great guys, but they don't need to be whooping it up the night before, y'know?

Maybe she'd compromise with, say, enough bottles of wine for everyone to have a glass and that's it?

I don't know. I have to say that it does seem demanding to ask Mom for more than she's offered. The deal is, OP, is this is a party thrown FOR you. So you graciously accept what is offered and allow the host to, well, be the HOST.

I see the point about 'parenting' the WP being annoying, but I also see the point of not wanting the wedding day to suck due to hangovers when H & I have put gobs of resources (energy, time, money, emotion) into helping make it a great day.

If the WP members really want to booze, they can/will do so after the dinner in a bar of their choice or their rooms or wherever. And as far as I'm concerned, they can do it on their own dime.

crash2729 · August 2012

My FILs didn't host alcohol at the RD. If people wanted it,they went to the bar and got it.

lizzywiz · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-rd-i-want-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e1e2aa3-ff77-46e0-9ea4-3e3ff6176bc9Post:4ec01eb2-874b-4339-a271-3bcd7f97a87d">Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more</a>:
[QUOTE]I think your mom has made it pretty clear and I wonder if her biggest concern is people getting shiiitfaced the night before the wedding. I'm a MOB and that is a concern for us with the crew of GM/Ushers. Great guys, but they don't need to be whooping it up the night before, y'know? <strong>Maybe she'd compromise with, say, enough bottles of wine for everyone to have a glass and that's it?</strong> I don't know. I have to say that it does seem demanding to ask Mom for more than she's offered. The deal is, OP, is this is a party thrown FOR you. So you graciously accept what is offered and allow the host to, well, be the HOST. I see the point about 'parenting' the WP being annoying, but I also see the point of not wanting the wedding day to suck due to hangovers when H & I have put gobs of resources (energy, time, money, emotion) into helping make it a great day. If the WP members really want to booze, they can/will do so after the dinner in a bar of their choice or their rooms or wherever. And as far as I'm concerned, they can do it on their own dime.
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's a nice suggestion - Perhaps the restaurant would pour one glass of wine for each person with their meal and it wouldn't be too expensive? I would have to cautiously ask her as to not step on her toes though. I think my mom's concerns are two-fold: 1) cost, 2) my family full of heavy drinkers

</div>

LDubHawksFan · August 2012

I think that if you really want to have some wine, you should offer to pay for say 2 bottles per table (or something similar to a glass per person), and if your mom is adament about paying for the whole RD and declines, drop it. Respect your mom's wishes and if your family of heavy drinkers really want a drink, there is the bar. I can understand her not wanting an open bar, and as a guest, I would never be offended by not having a drink option.
On another note, at a restaurant, how would your guests know not to order a glass of wine when the server comes around? As I said, I wouldn't be offended if MOB wasn't paying for drinks, but unless told so, I don't think it wouldn't cross my mind not to order a glass with dinner. Is she going to make up small menus for the guests to choose from a few meal selecations and then list that ice tea and pop are drink choices?

lizzywiz · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-rd-i-want-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e1e2aa3-ff77-46e0-9ea4-3e3ff6176bc9Post:52f6fcde-da56-46e8-a00a-64a1569bdc6c">Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that if you really want to have some wine, you should offer to pay for say 2 bottles per table (or something similar to a glass per person), and if your mom is adament about paying for the whole RD and declines, drop it. Respect your mom's wishes and if your family of heavy drinkers really want a drink, there is the bar. I can understand her not wanting an open bar, and as a guest, I would never be offended by not having a drink option. On another note, at a restaurant, how would your guests know not to order a glass of wine when the server comes around? As I said, I wouldn't be offended if MOB wasn't paying for drinks, but unless told so, I don't think it wouldn't cross my mind not to order a glass with dinner. Is she going to make up small menus for the guests to choose from a few meal selecations and then list that ice tea and pop are drink choices?
Posted by lwoehlk[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Dinner will be set-up buffet style so I don't think there will be servers going around asking for drink orders. Probably a drink station? Not sure. Will make sure guests know that if they order booze, it's on their dime.

</div>

Avion22 · August 2012

We had a dry RD because our venue didn't allow alcohol (it was a public park's picnic shelter) and nobody missed it. But I agree that it would be a little bit weird to not have a glass of wine with an Italian meal.

Kate61487 · August 2012

I don't think she's parenting the guests, she's saying the type of party she wants to throw. And it sounds like what she wants to host is a lower-key dry RD, which is totally fine. I wouldn't push it OP, not even for the wine with dinner. Guests don't need alcohol to have a good time and it's your mom's party, so it should be the way she wants it.

lizzywiz · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-rd-i-want-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e1e2aa3-ff77-46e0-9ea4-3e3ff6176bc9Post:dc8f863c-0b91-4532-8de3-7d32fa62c8f7">Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more : No. Just don't offer any alcohol, like THE HOST WANTS.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>I can't exactly prevent someone from walking to the bar and ordering a drink now can I? I would never offer something I wasn't hosting.</div>

lizzywiz · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-rd-i-want-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e1e2aa3-ff77-46e0-9ea4-3e3ff6176bc9Post:a2cefbbd-eec2-447d-a65b-425a2f2d8310">Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more</a>:
[QUOTE]I<strong> don't think she's parenting the guests</strong>, she's saying the type of party she wants to throw. And it sounds like what she wants to host is a lower-key dry RD, which is totally fine. I wouldn't push it OP, not even for the wine with dinner. Guests don't need alcohol to have a good time and it's your mom's party, so it should be the way she wants it.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think so either - I think you hit the nail on the head here. This is the party she wants to throw and I'll let her throw it the way she wants it. I will go get a few margs with my girls afterwards and stop whining.</div>

willywally5 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-rd-i-want-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e1e2aa3-ff77-46e0-9ea4-3e3ff6176bc9Post:f1dc782d-1773-4432-85ab-d390df8913cd">Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more : <strong>I can't exactly prevent someone from walking to the bar and ordering a drink now can I?</strong> I would never offer something I wasn't hosting.
Posted by lizzywiz[/QUOTE]

<div>No, you can't. </div><div>
</div><div>I am not sure if this is actually 'correct' from an etiquette standpoint, but I was always taught that when dining out, you take your cues from the host. IF they order an alcholic drink before dinner, you may. If they order dessert, you may. I'd think a larger dinner like this would be the same when it came to the staff taking beverage orders. </div><div>
</div><div>Like I said. not sure if that is truly a 'thing' but it's what my parents told me. </div>

LDubHawksFan · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-rd-i-want-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e1e2aa3-ff77-46e0-9ea4-3e3ff6176bc9Post:28ee4060-8796-4606-ad22-5d95fdf835a5">Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more : No, you can't. I am not sure if this is actually 'correct' from an etiquette standpoint, but I was always taught that when dining out, you take your cues from the host. IF they order an alcholic drink before dinner, you may. If they order dessert, you may. I'd think a larger dinner like this would be the same when it came to the staff taking beverage orders. Like I said. not sure if that is truly a 'thing' but it's what my parents told me.
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

Good point. I usually do the same when I know someone else is paying. Especially with dessert. Depending on how large the group is, I could see some guests being far enough out from the hosts to not hear. Regardless, I don't think OP's mom is out of line and a dry dinner is just as nice!

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

My ILs hosted our RD and also said they didn't want to do alcohol, so we didn't. I honestly don't think a single person ordered a drink. No one missed it. I don't think what she's doing is parenting the guests, per se, but just stating the type of dinner she would like to host.

If there is a bar at your RD venue, no, you can't stop guests from walking to it and ordering (and paying for) alcohol for themselves. To me, that would be fine. But I wouldn't say to people, "We aren't hosting alcohol." If anything, just mention what you ARE hosting.

willywally5 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-rd-i-want-more?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e1e2aa3-ff77-46e0-9ea4-3e3ff6176bc9Post:4809b1bf-363c-48b0-8a95-1f3ac19f360d">Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mom hosting RD - I want more : Good point. I usually do the same when I know someone else is paying. Especially with dessert. <strong>Depending on how large the group is, I could see some guests being far enough out from the hosts to not hear. </strong> Regardless, I don't think OP's mom is out of line and a dry dinner is just as nice!
Posted by lwoehlk[/QUOTE]

<div>True. It could be really difficult if the crowd is large and depend on how the seating is. Of course, we have dinners out with family which often include 25-30 people, and manage. But many RD's are larger than that. </div>

lauralaur · August 2012

My in-laws hosted our RD but they are divorced and didn't hammer out all of the details beforehand, including how beverages would be ordered/handled. That evening, my FIL literally shouted out "anyone who wants a drink, follow me to the bar!" H's family is a family of big drinkers and I don't think they even drank that much at the RD, I think they were saving themselves for the open bar at the reception the next day. I think you'll be fine without it.

shipsinthenight · August 2012

You will be fine without it. If people want drinks they will find the bar or a server to place an order without being told. The last RD I went to did not include alcohol, however there were one or two groups who ordered a bottle or two of wine, and paid for it themselves. It was no trouble for anyone. I have no idea what fi's parents are willing to host yet, but with how they are, I expect they'd be willing to pay for some alcohol, but a lot more likey to want a cheeper dinner...And I would preffer we spend the money on food and let people pay for their own drinks...

Mom hosting RD - I want more

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