Small Ceremony/Big Reception

futuremrsreese2011 · November 2010

We both wanted to have a very small wedding (less than 40 people) but caved to the pressures of friends and family. As a compromise, we decided on a small ceremony (very close family and friends) and to invite everyone (and I mean everyone!) to the reception. Now I'm concerned that folks coming from OOT will be offended thy are not invited to the ceremony. Is there a way to let people know early, instead of waiting until invites go out (wedding is 9 months away).

Calypso1977 · November 2010

the pressure you received most likely was for folks to see you get married. being invited to a reception only aint gonna cut it.

NuggetBrain · November 2010

When you say "small", what number are you thinking? Because to be honest, anything less than say, 20 people and I'd be kind of annoyed that I wasn't included. If almost everyone you were inviting was local, it probably wouldn't be such a huge deal. But I am in the camp that anyone being invited from OOT should be invited to the ceremony AND reception, because they took time off work, flew out there, spent major bucks, and not including them in the entire reason for going could piss them off.

starrynight1658 · November 2010

Be very careful how you do this. We did this, with only immediate family attending the ceremony (22 people in all), and that had about 120 at the reception. You have to stick to your guns about who attends the actual ceremony; if you start making exceptions for this cousin or that aunt, then it becomes offensive for everyone. Regardless, I know this practice is somewhat frowned upon, so use as much tact and caution as you can.

I'm not sure there is a way you can let OOT guests know, other than through the invitations. We had two invitations: one for immediate family with ceremony and reception information, and then a second for reception only guests that said something like, "Bride and Groom invite you to celebrate their marriage at a reception..." to make it very clear. Despite all this, we did have a couple of ceremony crashers who were not pleased at being left out of the ceremony. We never said anything to them, and it definitely didn't ruin the day.

Pirata13 · November 2010

Yeah what kind of numbers are we talking? I mean, we had about 160 guests tops at our wedding & reception. I can't imagine all of the people coming from OOT just for a reception. If they don't see you that often, chances are they really want to see you get MARRIED. Also if you are saying "close" family, who does that include? I assume parents, grandparents, siblings. What about aunts & uncles? Are some going to be invited to the ceremony and some not? Because that's going to pi$$ people off too. Are you having a bridal party? How many? Because even if you whittle your ceremony list to 20 people or less, if you have a bridal party, SOs/BP guests need to be included as well. So some people may take issue with your MOH's boyfriend of 5 months being at the ceremony when family/other friends are being excluded.

These are just things popping in my head that I would think about if I were in your shoes or if I was someone you were inviting/not inviting. You do need to think about these things and consider the time and money people would be putting into being there. I agree with Fishy re: all OOT guests being included in both the ceremony and reception. No way I'd spend all the time and money travelling to attend a reception.

futuremrsreese2011 · November 2010

Thanks StarryNight - that helps. We are trying to do a ceremony of about 40, and a reception of 200. There's just not enough space at the ceremony site to accomodate everyone! I am just wanting to let everyone know now, so they can get upset if they want, or not come if they decide that is what works for them.

Ghoti · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremonybig-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccee427a-0886-4648-8ba0-f96f27e51c12Post:b46c5a5e-0ec0-4eb9-a466-18c56f5f9aed">Re: Small Ceremony/Big Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks StarryNight - that helps. We are trying to do a ceremony of about 40, and a reception of 200. There's just not enough space at the ceremony site to accomodate everyone! I am just wanting to let everyone know now, so they can get upset if they want, or not come if they decide that is what works for them.
Posted by futuremrsreese2011[/QUOTE]
Hi :)
Is there a reason you can't/don't want to choose a venue that will allow 200 people?

squirrly · November 2010

If I was invited only to the reception, I'd be offended. It's actually happened to me, and yes, I found it offensive. Why am I not good enough to see you get married, but I'm good enough to celebrate with you and give you a gift? Technically, etiquette wise, it is acceptable, but I personally disagree with that point of etiquette and seriously hope it changes.

If your ceremony site only holds 40 people either find a new site, or invite 40 people to the reception.

Also - the wedding I was invited to was local, so I went anyway. Turns out, it was really more to see other friends who came in from OOT than to see the B&G - we saw them for maybe 2 minutes. No dancing, and since there was no ceremony to watch, we only saw them when they did table visits. If I'd been OOT, I'd have been even more pissed.

[Deleted User] · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremonybig-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccee427a-0886-4648-8ba0-f96f27e51c12Post:b46c5a5e-0ec0-4eb9-a466-18c56f5f9aed">Re: Small Ceremony/Big Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks StarryNight - that helps. We are trying to do a ceremony of about 40, and a reception of 200. There's just not enough space at the ceremony site to accomodate everyone! I am just wanting to let everyone know now, so they can get upset if they want, or not come if they decide that is what works for them.
Posted by futuremrsreese2011[/QUOTE]
i love how you've only responded to the one person that told you what you want to hear. ugh.

noodle_oo · November 2010

make sure it is clear on your invitation that people are being invited to the reception only. If I was OOT and invited to reception only, I probably wouldn't go. So be prepared to get a lot of No RSVPs. Afterall: I'm willing to pay travel expenses to go see someone I am close to get married. But if they outright tell me I'm not close enough to them to be invited to the ceremony, why would I want to travel to go to their reception?

I think this practice is very rude and I would find it offensive. Especially since your ceremony is not really small. 40 people is not a small, private ceremony. You are basically telling the other 160 people that they aren't very important to you, which is where the offense comes from.

lauralaur · November 2010

I know a lot of people do this, but I've never been able to understand why. We have friends who did a small ceremony (I think 21 people) followed by a reception for those people, and then a big reception everyone and their mother was invited to a week later. I never got a reason as to why they didn't want anyone at the cremony (I'm assuming cost), but in regards to the reception, they just kept saying "We just really, really want to celebrate with everyone!" "We have to celebrate with everyone!" Well, if it's sooooooo important to you to celebrate your marriage with me, why am I not important enough to witness it? I am in the camp that gets offended, however, your guests may not be. Fortunately, we had another wedding to attend on the day of that friend's reception.

You could send two separate STDs, one for a ceremony and reception, and one for a reception. But, if you do that, I'd be prepared for nine months of questions about it. Otherwise, do as pp said and send two different invitations, one that is clearly worded "you are invited to a reception."

brookelynpaisley · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremonybig-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccee427a-0886-4648-8ba0-f96f27e51c12Post:7c6c7641-c3d4-44e5-9634-9e4429c6c74d">Small Ceremony/Big Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]We both wanted to have a very small wedding (less than 40 people) but caved to the pressures of friends and family. As a compromise, we decided on a small ceremony (very close family and friends) and to invite everyone (and I mean everyone!) to the reception. Now I'm concerned that folks coming from OOT will be offended thy are not invited to the ceremony. Is there a way to let people know early, instead of waiting until invites go out (wedding is 9 months away).
Posted by futuremrsreese2011[/QUOTE]

They're right to be offended. Have it all big or all small, or someone's feelers will be hurt. Some ladies here will say you can get away with it if your ceremony is literally you, your parents, and siblings, but I think even that is going to hurt family members' feelings.

brookelynpaisley · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremonybig-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccee427a-0886-4648-8ba0-f96f27e51c12Post:606131b5-8430-4e76-a88c-cefe05021926">Re: Small Ceremony/Big Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>make sure it is clear on your invitation that people are being invited to the reception only</strong>. If I was OOT and invited to reception only, I probably wouldn't go. So be prepared to get a lot of No RSVPs. Afterall: I'm willing to pay travel expenses to go see someone I am close to get married. But if they outright tell me I'm not close enough to them to be invited to the ceremony, why would I want to travel to go to their reception? I think this practice is very rude and I would find it offensive. Especially since your ceremony is not really small. 40 people is not a small, private ceremony. You are basically telling the other 160 people that they aren't very important to you, which is where the offense comes from.
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]

Um no. Don't point out what people are not invited to. There's no easy way to word a reception-only invitation, because it just plain sucks.

Simply Fated · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremonybig-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccee427a-0886-4648-8ba0-f96f27e51c12Post:56c1f593-4914-43d7-9dea-fa9808164614">Re: Small Ceremony/Big Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]the pressure you received most likely was for folks to see you get married. being invited to a reception only aint gonna cut it.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]
I agree with this.
I think it would be rude for potential guests to convince you to have a big party if they weren't planning on coming to the ceremony. Surely that's what they want to see.

How many people can your ceremony site hold? Why don't you make that your guest count?

squirrly · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremonybig-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccee427a-0886-4648-8ba0-f96f27e51c12Post:2ad56137-ad2f-4725-bb64-e6eb9df7f290">Re: Small Ceremony/Big Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small Ceremony/Big Reception : Um no. Don't point out what people are not invited to. There's no easy way to word a reception-only invitation, because it just plain sucks.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

The proper wording is:

Mr. and Mrs. Bride Dad Last
request the pleasure of your company
at a reception celebrating
the marriage of their daughter

Bride Middle Last
and
Groom Middle Last

son of Mr. and Mrs. Groom Middle Last

Saturday, the eighth of May
two thousand ten
at half after five o'clock in the afternoon

Venue Name
Address
City, State

<em>Important note: the bride and groom's name should be joined by the word AND for anything that follows the ceremony, rather than the word "to" which is traditional for all non-Catholic ceremony invites. And is more appropriate because by the time the event starts, the couple will already be married.</em>

tinydancer842 · November 2010

If you want a small wedding put on your big girl panties & stick to your guns & have a small wedding from ceremony to reception. To me it says "these people are more important to me & only they can witness what the day is really about, but hey if you wanna give me a gift come to my reception!". You don't need to please anyone and invite 200 ppl -- if you want 40 ppl then have just 40 ppl -- end of story.

RebeccaB88 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremonybig-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccee427a-0886-4648-8ba0-f96f27e51c12Post:b46c5a5e-0ec0-4eb9-a466-18c56f5f9aed">Re: Small Ceremony/Big Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]There's just not enough space at the ceremony site to accomodate everyone! Posted by futuremrsreese2011[/QUOTE]

Then you either need a larger ceremony site or a much smaller reception guest list.

Sorry, you're being rude here. Pick one celebration, large or small, and stick to it. If you want to celebrate with 140, then 140 people need to see you get married. Period.

Kristin789 · November 2010

I just want to say that there are people who just won't go to a "reception only" event.

So if you have 40 people at the ceremony, you'll probably have about 60 at the reception, because others will just RSVP "no."

A friend of mine sent "reception only" invitations for her daughter's wedding, and then she was so disappointed when only about 30 out of 100 people RSVPed "yes" for the dinner cruise.

brookelynpaisley · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremonybig-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccee427a-0886-4648-8ba0-f96f27e51c12Post:2b8dabfc-ac76-449b-9e59-aa7bd5ec8565">Re: Small Ceremony/Big Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Small Ceremony/Big Reception : The proper wording is: Mr. and Mrs. Bride Dad Last request the pleasure of your company at a reception celebrating the marriage of their daughter Bride Middle Last and Groom Middle Last son of Mr. and Mrs. Groom Middle Last Saturday, the eighth of May two thousand ten at half after five o'clock in the afternoon Venue Name Address City, State Important note: the bride and groom's name should be joined by the word AND for anything that follows the ceremony, rather than the word "to" which is traditional for all non-Catholic ceremony invites. And is more appropriate because by the time the event starts, the couple will already be married.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

Okay, I stand corrected, there is a way to word it. But you know what I meant, squirrly, when I said that's it's not easy to word an invitation that is essentially rude.

bdaugherty10 · June 2011

I too am having a small reception with no more than 40ppl and am having a huge party later for my out of town guests and extended family. Trust me it was hard to narrow down my guest list. When you have a limited budget and want to have something really nice for you immediate family you should plan what's right for you. Its tough but whatever, most family members that will be offended are the ones who you have not seen or heard from in over a year and should really get over it.

It's your wedding...you have to spend the rest of YOUR lives together.

That's all it is about..end of story

snwilson0416 · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_small-ceremonybig-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccee427a-0886-4648-8ba0-f96f27e51c12Post:b46c5a5e-0ec0-4eb9-a466-18c56f5f9aed">Re: Small Ceremony/Big Reception</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks StarryNight - that helps. We are trying to do a ceremony of about 40, and a reception of 200. There's just not enough space at the ceremony site to accomodate everyone! I am just wanting to let everyone know now, so they can get upset if they want, or not come if they decide that is what works for them.
Posted by futuremrsreese2011[/QUOTE]<div>Yeah, I do not consider 40 people a small and intimate ceremony. I think a lot of your guests will be offended. I certainly would be.

</div>

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