Need Knottie Etiquette Advice

mybestfriendsfuturemrs · January 2011

Sorry to be such a board hog today.

I have 3 bridesmaids who are all out of town and have kids. FI and I were talking about not inviting kids to the wedding and maybe just have the FG and RB be there. Is this proper?

How do I inform my BM's that we are not having kids? Or do we just invite the kids of the bridal party that are OOT?

I've really been thinking hard on this one.

rcj2rcd · January 2011

This is a tough one - Your OOT BMs won't have time to watch/take care of their kids and might want a weekend off but at the same time, it might be tough for them to come w/o their kids.

I would let them pick which is easiest for them (but make sure they understand they won't have the time to watch them with all of the pre-wedding events, ceremony, reception, etc). A friend of mine had an OOT wedding and did this for her BMs. Only one wound up bringing her kids.

However, I would still have a "no kids" rule for the rest of the guests. Your BMs have a lot of responsibility for the wedding and although it may not follow proper etiquette, the rules are a little different for them.

breeamber · January 2011

Ugh, this IS a tough one! We went back and forth about whether or not to invite kids. We decided to only invite the RB and FG. I think it is OK to not invite OOT guests' kids as long as you offer to help arrange for a babysitter. If they have family and friends in the area who can babysit it's not that big of a deal, but if not then you put them in a bit of a pickle.
As far as inviting the kids of some guests and not others, you really run the risk of offending people.
But, in the end, it's your wedding. Do what you feel is best!

MrsBarstool2011 · January 2011

Ohh, good question.

We have limited our guest list to immediate family (siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) but not 2nd cousins so our reception is not adults only but pretty darn close. We had an argument about putting adults only reception on the invite or not (FI wanted it). I won because I pointed out that my nieces nephews and several of my cousins are clearly not adults and didn't want them 1 to think they were not invited and 2 have his cousins, who children are not invited, be upset. This doens't really deal with your situation completely but just want to point out if you decide to invite the children don't put adults only reception on invite.

Here is what I think for your situation, but I am not completely up on etiquette. They are coming in from out of town, which means they may not know people here. So if you don't invite the kids you are leaving them with only a few options. 1. the spouse stays home with the kid and only the person standing up in the wedding comes 2. they leave the child home with someone and come here for a long weekend with out the child, which some parents may not want to do especially if the child is young 3. bring the child here and hope to find a sitter for the night.
In order to help out the bridal party members, I would offer them the choice. This way you don't burn any bridges.

zantster · January 2011

I was just wrestling with this question yesterday. I was told by a friend of mine who is a mom that she would be very offended if an "adults-only" line were put on an invitation. She pointed out that parents know what all is involved with bringing their kids to this sort of a function (clothes, hair, keeping them quiet during the ceremony, travel expenses etc.). So, I am just going to put the parents' names on the invite and let them decide if it will be just them or if they will include the kids. There is a children's menu at the reception venue that is much cheaper than the adults' plates so I will use that for any kids who end up coming.

corinne2010 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://detroit.weddings.com/main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_need-knottie-etiquette-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:88Discussion:04fff8f7-6c3d-4f24-a34f-b8232485c33aPost:e25aaac9-f71c-4e0e-abda-2a0a52642bdb">Re: Need Knottie Etiquette Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I was just wrestling with this question yesterday. <strong>I was told by a friend of mine who is a mom that she would be very offended if an "adults-only" line were put on an invitation</strong>. She pointed out that parents know what all is involved with bringing their kids to this sort of a function (clothes, hair, keeping them quiet during the ceremony, travel expenses etc.). So, I am just going to put the parents' names on the invite and let them decide if it will be just them or if they will include the kids. There is a children's menu at the reception venue that is much cheaper than the adults' plates so I will use that for any kids who end up coming.
Posted by zantster[/QUOTE]

I actually have to disagree on this one. If you want only adults, then your guests will have to make arrangements to have a babysitter. We didn't have a line that said it was an adults-only reception on the invite, but made it very clear that only the people on the envelope were invited. And when people called to see if their kids could come, the answer was no. I didn't care about offending people or not. It was my wedding and we were going to do things the way we wanted. I have been to plenty of weddings where kids were running around screaming and tearing things apart. It's just not my thing and I did not want the headache of that. Now, I am not a mom yet, but I know we will have plenty of weddings to go to when we do have kids and I will not be one bit offended if they can't come. I really don't think weddings are a place for kids to play. Leave them home and the couple should enjoy a night without kids.

With that said, in regards to the OP's question, I think you should leave it optional for the bridal party to bring their kids. I'm sure they know what is all involved in being a part of a wedding so they should be able to make that decision on their own. Maybe their SO will be able to watch the kids while the other one does their BP duties. The duties really end at the reception, so as long as they are taken care of during the day, no big deal. I think you should not extend the invitiation to bring kids to your reception when you have already told others they are not allowed. You simply cannot pick and choose which kids to bring. Its all of them (including the bratty ones) or none of them. The BP kids are an exception though. HTH

larzhope · January 2011

we are also having no kids - period. The only exception I will make to that is that my MOH is due to deliver twins 2 months before the wedding - she is planning on breastfeeding so i will absolutely allow those little babies at my wedding. It sounds like she is going to try to make alternate arrangements anyways though. Luckily in our family only 2 people will have to find sitters out of the 200 family guests we are inviting. and for friends (besides MOH) only a few will have to find sitters.

Meg1036 · January 2011

I'm in the same boat! There is only one child in the family, but many of FI's friends/groomsmen have children, and almost all are from out of town.

We ultimately decided we can't invite kids: we are hitting the capacity constraint on our venue, and literally every kid invited is someone else who isn't. We also really wanted to be consistent about kids: all were invited or non were invited, although I can see the exception for WP members as being valid. Several of the groomsmen have been known to leave their kids with grandparents to travel in the past - I expect that will happen for some of them. For those who want to bring their kids, I am more than willing to facilitate childcare at my expense. Its not ideal, but its the best FI and I feel that we can do.

I should note that this decision is causing some friction with FI's family, who feel that kids should be invited to weddings, and don't seem to comprehend our capacity constraint.

lcsnowflake · January 2011

I think that there is alot of good advice in the previous posts, but I think that the best thing you can do is talk to your WP and see how they feel. If they all wouldn't bring their kids then this might not even be an issue. They are supposed to be your closest friends and family so they should understand your decision, but it seems like a nice gesture to get their input and see how they feel.

Good luck!

lisa89760 · January 2011

I'm also having no kids but my two flower girls. My FSIL just gave birth and our neice will be 8 months old then. I don't mind her bringing the baby but she is making other arrangements.

But I do think you have to provide some sort of baby sitter for the OOT bridesmaids with kids. Whether it be another room at the reception hall or a babysitter at the hotel or something different (I've seen both those scenarios).

emarston1 · January 2011

Kayla -

What is your reason for wanting it to be adults only? Is it guestlist issues (ie too many kids?) or do you not want kids there but are making a concession for the FG and RB? Also, how OOT are they? Flights or just a long drive?

If it's guestlist issues, I would allow them to bring their kids. They are going through a lot to be there for you so it would be a nice gesture to allow them to bring them (not to mention a lot less of a burden.)

If you don't want kids there, then you are in a tight spot. Although I would still allow them to bring them as a nice gesture.

I would caution you against putting adults only reception on the inivte because it won't be adults only since the flower girl and ring bearer will be there.

July032011 · January 2011

Is that really the case? My invites say an Adult Reception will be held at... however like the rest of the wedding party the ring bearer and flower girl will be there for dinner and a few pictures and then are leaving.

I think people understand why the ring bearer and flower girl are there they are introduced with the wedding party. DID I SCREW UP?

emarston1 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_michigan-detroit_need-knottie-etiquette-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:88Discussion:04fff8f7-6c3d-4f24-a34f-b8232485c33aPost:fef5c63e-8e8f-4761-9513-be0520d38cfe">Re: Need Knottie Etiquette Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Is that really the case? My invites say an Adult Reception will be held at... however like the rest of the wedding party the ring bearer and flower girl will be there for dinner and a few pictures and then are leaving. I think people understand why the ring bearer and flower girl are there they are introduced with the wedding party. DID I SCREW UP?
Posted by July032011[/QUOTE]
I wouldn't worry about it, especially since you indicated they won't be staying the whole evening.

I only said this to caution her because I know some parents can get uppity if they saw Adults Only and then saw a bunch of kids running around. Just one of those things to think about since she hasn't printed her invites yet and is debating whether to allow some kids and not others.

BridetobeJenG · January 2011

Our invites say Adult Reception. We have small neices and nephews, but they will all be a part of the wedding. However, we are going to arrange a few sitters for the hotel in case our brothers and sister decide they want some alone time at the wedding or that the kids need to get to sleep and they won't have to miss out on anything.

Kayla-- No one in my bridal party has kids so I don't have much advice to give. Is your hotel close enough that you could arrange sitters? If you're not opposed to the kids coming to the rehearsal - could they come to that and then before and during your ceremony the SOs could watch the kids and then leave them at the hotel with a sitter?

I definitely agree that you should talk to them and maybe they are planning to come alone anyway without the kids and have a "date" weekend.

Gwenwhyfare · January 2011

Ours was considered an "adult-only" reception, with a few exceptions. My niece, who was our FG, and DH's Cousin's kids, who we know pretty well. A different cousin of DH's RSVP'ed her two daughters (who we don't know) and we had other teenagers show up who weren't invited (no idea who they were). Part of the reason we let it slide, is because they were from DH's family, and DH's parents paid for our reception.

Our best man and his wife (a BM) have a son, who we know very well, wasn't invited. Their son even came and with said BM when we ordered her dress at Davids Bridal. I didn't get any flack from them on this. Partly because I'm sure it was nice for them to have some 'adult' time without worrying about their son.

It's a sticky situation, but Liz's suggestion is likely the best one. I wouldn't go as far as to provide a sitter though. My niece was 3 when we got married, and stayed during the entire reception (ended at 11). Though she was a little cranky, she was fine. She played and danced with the other kids, inside the room and we had no issue's.

ETA: I also did not say on the invite that it was an adult reception. I guess I hoped that people would understand that who the outer-envelope was addressed to, was who was invited. DH's one cousin was the only we got back with more than we allotted.

gailpete · January 2011

Proper etiquette is to not mention "adults only" or "adult reception" anywhere on the invitation or website. This draws attention to who is not invited, which is rude. The proper way is to address the invitation to only the parents. This means only the parents are invited. If you want to include the children you would address it to the parents and then list each child separately. If you only invite parents and they RSVP with the kids, you call and say "I'm sorry, but the invitation is only for hubby & wife." If they say they can't come without the kids you say "I'm sorry to hear that, you will be missed."

That being said, having the FG and RB at an adult reception is fine. You are also free to let the OOT BMs bring their kids, if you want without having to invite everyones kids. Most reasonable parents would understand. However, they may appreciate the offer of helping them find child care for the wedding so they can enjoy themselves without the kids, but not have to leave them home.

Ashley1650 · January 2011

As long as you set up a babysitter for your OOT guest or BP you should be good. My FI and I are having kids at our wedding because we have a ton of neices or nephews. I am going to have an kids activity table set up with games and stuff so that they have stuff to do and keep them busy so they aren't running around wild all night. If you do tell them they can bring their kids make sure they have some activities to do otherwise you might regret it!

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