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Second Chances or more like Fourth?

caleeosburncaleeosburn member
First Comment
in Ohio-Northeast
Ok so last time i posted he called off the wedding and us but two days later he wanted to get back together and get married. He said he got scared. Now he wants to to thru with it.My problem is that everytime that things got real serious he got scared and ran due to his past relationships of being cheated on and lied to.So my question is do I give him another chance? This would be the trid time we would be getting back together!!Oh p.s. I told him that he had to go to counseling and he started going to get me back.
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Re: Second Chances or more like Fourth?

  • l337Jacquil337Jacqui member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    hmmm...i know your profile says you are 27, but how old is your FI? younger, they seem to get scared more easily, but older, i'd think he should be ready to settle down with the woman he loves. either way, younger or older, i'd be worried he would just leave again. how long did you guys date before getting engaged? i cant remember if this was mentioned in your other post
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  • teacher_jennyteacher_jenny
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think that if this is what you BOTH want and you think YOU can handle it emotionally then maybe.  I just worry about your feelings in all of this.  If this is what you both want now, then it couldn't hurt to give your relationship more time and try it again in a year or so.  My FI and I dated for 2.5 years and he got scared too (my family was teasing him about mariage).  It took him almost a year apart to realize what he was missing and the mistake he had made.  It was probably one of the best mistakes he made! :)  It allowed him to grow-up and figure out what he really wanted at that point in his life.  After another year of dating and a year of living together we got engaged.  IMO, neither of you will be happy in the long run if either of you feel like you were forced into something.  Were the other breakups b/c he was scared of being married too?
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  • flirtatiousgrkflirtatiousgrk member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I know the new trend these day is to get engaged really fast.... Not a really good idea to me.... Ive been with my fiance for 7 years (im not saying be together this long... give it 2-3 yrs at least) but im 23.... so we were together since we were children.... we know eachother really well.... BUT as time goes on you find out more things (like secrets get out) I went on vacation for a month out of the country and he realized how much he missed me and everything id gone through with him he began to see it, and he apologized. some time apart is good-- guys start to realize how good they ahve ti & that they cant find better.... Make sure a wedding is what he is ready for.... have a chat about what he sees in the future... how soon are you going to start a family... money? moving? will he still go out with his friends like he use to? ... ask everything... let him see what married life is all about-CHANGE. make sure hes ready to make that change. Maybe you just need some more time togethe before you get married. stay engaged a little longer. I know if my fiance called the wedding off I wouldnt be thrilled to start planing when he asked you back.. id be worried it would happen again and nevertheless leave you at the alter.... and no one wants to waste all that money for a wedding and then have that happen.... be very cautious. this is the rest of your life.... make sure he does back away again...

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  • caleeosburncaleeosburn member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We were together for a year before we got engaged and the other two break ups were not about gettin married they were about he only allowed himself to get so close then he would break up. He is 30 and never been with someone who never lied or cheated on him until ME. By the time we would have been married we would have been together about 2 1/2 years minus 2 months apart.
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  • jaylii9jaylii9 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well, i think it is good that he is in counseling, but honestly I think you should also attend couples counseling with him. So individual counseling for him (or both of you if you feel you need it) and then also couples counseling.So my opinion is don't jump straight back on the engagement/wedding planning wagon. I would personally tell him that you want to give your relationship a fighting chance by him attending counseling and both of you attending couples counseling. Focus on your relationship now, and if that works out, then think about walking down the aisle.Hope whatever is best works out for you hun!
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  • katyms7katyms7
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Tough situation... My first initial thought is that it is great he is realizing that he could benefit from counseling. I also agree that couple's counseling might be a good idea so after he focuses on himself you can focus on the 2 of you and your future. If he is willing to go to counseling then he realizes what a great girl you are and you are so worth the effort to him. If he follows through on working on himself  and going to couseling, get back together with him and give him another chance if that is what you heart is telling. Put your foot down and tell him that he can not do this to you and this is the last chance because no girl wants to be left waiting. If you do get back together, focus on your relationship rather then the wedding. Work on creating that connection with each other again. Then as things proceed incorporatate the wedding again. Best of luck and you deserve the best guy out there so that make sure he is going to be the best guy you deserve. Good luck!  
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  • brideofmonkeybrideofmonkey
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I say stop the wedding pressure. It's perfectly ok for him to say he is sure he wants to marry you one day, but still wait to actually do it. Some people need a little longer to STAY sure all the time. We were definitely not ready earlier, and had some rough patches. It's all ok now. It took 4 years to know this was the right guy. The last guy, it took 5 years to decide he was the wrong one. No reason to rush the rest of your life. Try the counseling with him, and slow things down for a little.
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  • vmcelhanvmcelhan member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    definitely go to counseling and definitely take a wedding off the table.  it sounds like this guy still has open wounds that need some serious healing time.  patience and time together will be your best bet at this point IMO.
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  • michelle1433michelle1433 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My advice would be to take things 1 step at a time. Get back together with him and date for a while. Don't push getting married until you are both certain that it is what you want. When I say both, I mean especially him. Go to couples counseling and see if there is a possible reason behind his cold feet or lack of committment. Maybe it is something that will take time to work out. Or maybe take some time apart and make him realize how important you are to him. You giving in so quickly is continuing to put the ball in his court. Make him fight for you, you deserve the best! :)
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