Too busy bridesmaid?

neatmia · June 2010

What should I do if I have a bridesmaid that my MOH (sister) doesn't like, plus she still hasn't gotten her dress and all of the other bridesmaids have, plus she hasn't been involved in anything besides one bridal spectacular? I know she's busy with her own life, but maybe she shouldn't have accepted the request. Would it be tacky to get rid of her and add another friend, who kind of got snubbed because she works for me and might feel like she's second choice?

nda_roxybabe · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_busy-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:73e90359-85a4-42e2-8fca-f535d6e73960Post:862fcd13-3f38-4408-975f-d8227891da45">Too busy bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]What should I do if I have a bridesmaid that my MOH (sister) doesn't like, plus she still hasn't gotten her dress and all of the other bridesmaids have, plus she hasn't been involved in anything besides one bridal spectacular? I know she's busy with her own life, but maybe she shouldn't have accepted the request. Would it be tacky to get rid of her and add another friend, who kind of got snubbed because she works for me and might feel like she's second choice?
Posted by neatmia[/QUOTE]
Yes, it would be rude and tacky and likely ruin your friendship if you got rid of her.

Yes, it would make the "replacement" feel like a second choice. Even if you choose to get rid of your BM, don't replace her.

What is a bridal spectacular?

You know BM's are not required to help with the wedding planning? Their only job is to get the *dress and show up.

*When is your wedding? Does she need to have the dress now or does she still have time?

You said it yourself, she is busy. She likely has her own life. No one cares as much about your wedding as you do and why should they?

HTH! :D

vsgal · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_busy-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:73e90359-85a4-42e2-8fca-f535d6e73960Post:862fcd13-3f38-4408-975f-d8227891da45">Too busy bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]What should I do if I have a bridesmaid that my MOH (sister) doesn't like, plus she still hasn't gotten her dress and all of the other bridesmaids have, plus she hasn't been involved in anything besides one bridal spectacular? I know she's busy with her own life, but maybe she shouldn't have accepted the request. Would it be tacky to get rid of her and add another friend, who kind of got snubbed because she works for me and might feel like she's second choice?
Posted by neatmia[/QUOTE]

First of all, a bridemaid's only responsibility is to get the dress and smile in pictures. So the fact that she has only participated in one wedding event should not be brought into consideration. That being said, have you asked her what the status is on her dress purchase. Most dresses don't take that long to come in. Just give her a deadline to purchase and go from there. You are still four months out. My MOH got her dress one month before my wedding. It all worked out.

Second of all, it is not your sister's place to pick your wedding party. Too bad if she doesn't like her. It is not her choice. What matters is if you like her and want her to stand with you. Your sister needs to put on her big girl panties and be cordial to her during the wedding.

Thirdly, look in the mirror and say over and over again "Nobody cares about my wedding more than I do" This will make the rest of the time before the wedding a lot less stressful. She is busy with her own things. Give her a break. If you are not willing to put your life on hold for her, then don't expect it in return.

Lastly, yes it is very tacky and rude to kick her out and ask someone else. Unless she is sleeping with your man, you have absolutely no reason to boot her. If you kick her out, you are ending the friendship with her. How would you feel if you got booted and replaced in a friend's wedding? I would think you would feel pretty crappy.

quotequeen · June 2010

Thirdly, look in the mirror and say over and over again "Nobody cares about my wedding more than I do" This will make the rest of the time before the wedding a lot less stressful.

That should be "Nobody cares about my wedding nearly as much as I do."

banana468 · June 2010

Why did you post this on the receptions board?

Either way, it would be totally out of line to boot her.

danieliza1127 · June 2010

At this point, kicking her out would only ruin your friendship and anyone you asked to replace her would feel second-best because you didn't ask them in the first place.

The others are right, no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are, so give her a break and just let it go. As long as she has her dress by the wedding day, she's upholding her "duties". Have you tried calling her and actually asking about HER and what's going on with her, not in relation to your wedding?

duckie1905 · June 2010

What is a bridal spectacular?

alithebride · June 2010

ugh.

trix1223 · June 2010

I'll just ditto the other ladies so that you know you're tiptoeing toward 'zilla land if you boot a BM. I have no idea what a bridal spectactular is, but it sounds dreadful. If she went to one, I think she's probably gone above and beyond what most would do.

A WO's "duties" start and end with the ceremony. They wear the attire, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony and smile for pictures. That's it. Lock, stock, and barrel.

They don't have to plan and/or execute your wedding.

You've been sucked in by the overzealous wedding industry. It happens to a lot of brides. Lose the wedding magazine, planners, website, and tv shows lists of "duties". They are merely trying to convince you to buy the "stuff" their advertisers sell.

Just because "maid" is in the name, it doesn't make her your servant.

neatmia · June 2010

Thanks for all the repllies!

First, a bridal spectacular is just another name for a bridal show, an event where brides can go to check out vendors and get ideas for their weddings. We all went one day after work as a bonding experience for my bridal party. It was fun and all the ladies got to know each other.

When I say she's busy with her own life, I mean she makes plans with us and then cancels last minute or doesn't answer her phone. Still, I don't care what my sister says, I just wanted some input because the only thing I've asked for of them so far is to at least purchase their dresses or reserve it. I've got the planning down, so I don't need her help planning, I just wanted her advice on a two things, to no avail. I didn't think that was too much to ask, but apparently so.

I think you're right, it would most likely end the friendship. I did call her, she just keeps saying she forgets. I just hope she'll have it on the wedding day.

away2la · June 2010

I have a similar question, only mine pertains to my MOH. I originally choose my long time Best friend to be my MOH, she seemed like the logical choice, however, right after we announced our engagement and I asked her, we stopped talking, she has never once helped me look at anything pertaining to wedding stuff and she won't even return my calls. We didn't fight or anything, we just do this once every blue moon, stop talking, live our own lives, pick up where we left off some time in the future.

My question is this, Should/Can I replace her as my MOH and still keep her as a BM? I really do need some help/opinions on wedding plans and I feel that is what the MOH is for, therefor I'd like to choose another friend that will fulfill that duty. However, I don't want to piss her off and make her think I don't still value her.

away2la · June 2010

IMO if all they are "required" to do is buy a dress (which I'm buying) and show up, then they'd ALL be bridesmaids, and I wouldn't need a MOH at all.

banana468 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_busy-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:73e90359-85a4-42e2-8fca-f535d6e73960Post:0e21d57c-bbd0-4a56-a35e-6d3497dfc830">Re: Too busy bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]IMO if all they are "required" to do is buy a dress (which I'm buying) and show up, then they'd ALL be bridesmaids, and I wouldn't need a MOH at all.
Posted by away2la[/QUOTE]

Well, the MOH will hold your bouquet, fluff your dress during the ceremony and then sign the marrige license.

But yes, that's ALL she is required to do.

You may have fallen to one of the classic marketing scams of the wedding industry which falsely leads brides to believe that their WP are their unpaid labor. Luckily you're learning here and now that this isn't the case. Your MOH is not required to do anything other than what has been previously stated. You can ask if she'd like to help you but she doesn't have to do that - and replacing her is one of the rudest things a bride could do.

tammyhector77 · June 2010

I was a bridesmaid that was asked not to be a bridesmaid and it sucked. I was asked not be bridesmaid anymore b/c I did not attend her bridal shower (which was on the same day as my co-workers wedding).

We are no longer friends, i have the BM dress in my closet, which I have not used and I have not heard from her since she had the MOH tell me I was no longer in the bridal party.

Even though she has not participated in your wedding events, does not mean she does not care. Maybe she is not into that stuff and she probably said Yes to being a BM b/c it made you happy.

aecappelli · June 2010

One of my best friends just got married. I missed her bachelorette party and I don't think I was able to go to any of her "wedding preparation gatherings" or bridal shows. Why? Because I work nights and weekends, not because I'm a bad friend. I was asked to be in her wedding because we are best friends, not because she expected me to go to wedding shows and help plan her wedding. If you kick out your bridesmaid, you are the one that is not a good friend.

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