On a more serious note, WWYD?

aerotigergirl · July 2009

OK, so I guess I'm looking for advice on how to handle a communication issue.My husband's dad is very sick. He was diagnosed with cancer last October (Stage IV lung cancer when he was diagnosed with a metastasis to his eye), and recently we learned that his cancer has spread to his vertebrae. A couple of days ago, the in-laws went in for another x-ray because FIL was having pain in his hip/thigh. They just got the results today.MIL texted me a few minutes ago to let me know that the cancer had, in fact, spread to his hip. I immediately called her back to learn as much as I could about his new diagnosis, and I asked her if she'd spoken with my husband yet. She said she hadn't and she didn't want to yet because it would interrupt his work day. So, I feel a little weird about this, I guess. My husband and I work in the same office, and it would not be a problem for me to deliver this news to him in person. And while it isn't great news, it wouldn't cause him to just fall apart because, honestly, we've been aware of the situation and have been preparing for his dad's sickness to get worse. I feel weird because I feel like his mom is asking me to keep something from him, even if it is just for a short time. Maybe I'm biased because in my family, people do tend to hide some of the facts from me sometimes because they're trying to "protect" me from worrying. So, what would you do? Would you feel weird withholding information from your husband? Would you respect your in-laws wishes that you do so even if you feel uncomfortable with it? I don't know how long they plan to delay telling him.

Brittany Allison · July 2009

I would go tell him.

TiDa2009 · July 2009

I would tell him. Especially since you can do it in person. I would feel weird if my FI knew something about one of my parents and I didn't.

georgia_bride09 · July 2009

Why would your MIL text you during work but tell you she hadn't told your husband?! I would take my husband to a secluded area of the office and tell him, honestly. Your MIL put you in a very uncomfortable position, but you shouldn't withhold this information just because it would "interrupt his work day". I just can't believe your MIL did that. I guess she's stressed out, but still. Either text both of you or don't text either one of you. I'm sorry about your FIL and I will pray for your family.

AmoroAgain · July 2009

See, I'd tell my FI. His family always calls me first when something happens because they know that I can talk it over with him. He's not the freak out kind, but I would never, ever, not tell him something important like that.Also, why is it more of a big deal to interrupt his day than it is to interrupt yours?

wadingmoose · July 2009

I think it's odd to disrupt your workday but not want to disrupt her son's. I think it's odd to do so and pretty much expect you not to tell him.I would certainly feel weird withholding that from him.If it were me, I'd probably tell him.

lpstl · July 2009

It's unfair for her to put you in this position and expect you to withhold information from him. I would tell him, you're loyal to him first.

ootmother2 · July 2009

IMO, take him apart from the others so you have a bit of privacy to tell him this.M had to tell her H that his best friend was dead and had to get him out of a business dinner to do it. She had the captain send him to the door so they didn't have an audience

aerotigergirl · July 2009

That was my thought too! I mean, I guess maybe her reasoning was that since it's his dad, he would be more upset than I would and therefore it would cause more of a disruption to his day than it would cause for me?She was sort of adamant about it. I asked if she'd talked to my husband yet, and she said no. I asked "do you want me to go and talk to him?" and she said no, she'd rather not interrupt his workday. (?)I would probably be upset if he withheld something like this from me, like I said, even if it is only for a few hours.

angiebear11 · July 2009

I would tell him immediately. You see, what happens if you don't tell him and you wait for his mother to tell him. After he finds out, what are going to say "yea I know?" How do you think that's going to make him feel? And if you didn't tell him you knew already,what are you going to do? Lie to him to spare his feelings? In that case you would be doing the exact thing you said bothers you about what your family does to you.

amandasw · July 2009

Ok, I would tell FI and then he just wouldn't tell him mom (when she called later) that I'd told him. Simple as that.

amandasw · July 2009

After he finds out, what are going to say "yea I know?" How do you think that's going to make him feel?see, I can see this happening MUCH more easily than if he acted like he didn't know to his mom.

weddnovice · July 2009

Honestly, I think it would be kinder to him to tell him not at work but at home or after work - so that he has a safe place to fall apart. I would think he would prefer to receive that information privately and why ruin his day if you just have to wait a few hours.

banana468 · July 2009

I can understand why she did it. It's going to hurt both of you but it will most likely affect him more and you need to be there to be strong for your H.I'd make the time to talk to him soon but in private.

wadingmoose · July 2009

I'm just not sure I understand why she called at all. She could have simply let both of you know tonight.

aerotigergirl · July 2009

Exactly! I mean, yes this is bad news, but it isn't exactly unexpected nor does it change matters significantly. He's already got really really serious cancer and is probably going to die soon. More chemo won't help, and he's doing radiation treatments currently, so this is sort of just another drop in the bucket. If her concern is "interrupting his workday" it would have been easier to just tell us both tonight after work. But, like someone else pointed out, she's probably just reacting and she's stressed out and feels helpless and doesn't know where to turn or what to do next. That said, she is prone to dramatics a bit. When they got the news that it'd spread to his vertebrae, they called my husband on his mobile while he was driving. She said "Are you at home with [wife]? " No... "Well, please call me back as soon as you get there." Maybe it was necessary, I guess, because that was really bad news. But it's sort of like when someone calls and says "Are you sitting down?" before they dump the bad news on you. Is there a need for the build-up?

Moneypenny424 · July 2009

Honestly, I think it would be kinder to him to tell him not at work but at home or after work - so that he has a safe place to fall apart. I would think he would prefer to receive that information privately and why ruin his day if you just have to wait a few hours. I agree with WeddNovice. Clearly you have to tell him, but I'd think it can wait until the end of the day or when you're at home. If he has a big meeting or something, I wouldn't interrupt it or take his mind off it. She didn't call and say he is in the ER or something--this isn't news that has to be shared the minute it is received.

aerotigergirl · July 2009

Well, that's a fair point, Moneypenny. It isn't news that needs to be rushed to him, for sure. I just felt uncomfortable knowing it and not sharing it with him. Like I was intentionally keeping him in the dark about it, which I feel like would bother me if the situation were reversed.The saga continues, though...I did take him to a private place in the office and share this information with him. I also told him that his mom didn't want me to share the information and it made me feel a little weird. He was ok with the news, and he was grateful that I'd shared it with him. He said that he would call his parents immediately and would not mention that I'd told him when they'd asked me not to.So he called them and he and his dad talked about baseball. No mention of going to the doctor or anything. The did say "You should call us back later on tonight."Ugh. Can't we all just be straightforward with each other?

baby green bird · July 2009

I would have said to her right at that time that I didn't feel comfortable keeping this information from your husband, after all, this is his father. I know she means well, but I would have told her that during a break you will be discussing your FILS diagnoses, and that you'll be around your husband for a bit to see if he needs support. She shouldn't have asked you to keep this from him. GL. s

Duckyoflove13 · July 2009

I would simply tell him that his mother texted you, she didn't want to interrupt his day, but you think he should call her. Suggest that he go somewhere private to do so. Thus, you didn't not tell him, and you also didn't tell him as his mother asked. Be close around and be there for him.

Danser1013 · July 2009

My dad has stage IV lung cancer also. He has never smoked, never been around anyone else that has smoked. The doctors have no idea why he developed this horrible illness as there is no cancer of any kind on either side of his family. Anyway, I really understand where your MIL is coming from. It sounds like she needed to share/get this horrible news out to someone and she felt comfortable sharing with you. She probably also wanted to get herself collected before telling her son. Maybe she us the one who needed time before telling him herself. She may have also been giving you a heads-up to get yourself together so that you can be strong for your husband. This lady is going through hell right now and I would cut her alot of slack and respect her wishes. I don't want you to think that I am blasting you for the way you handled the situation, I just think you could think of this and the inevitable future events in a different perspective. I will keep your husband and his family in my thoughts and prayers.

On a more serious note, WWYD?

Re: On a more serious note, WWYD?

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