FI vs. FMIL throwdown

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

So I've mentioned on here a few times how we are sending our invitations out on the late end of recommended send dates (around 8 weeks before) because FI is hoping if we send them late his extended family he doesn't want there won't be able to make it. My side got STDs. His groomsmen and friends who have to travel on a plane also got STDs. None of his family did. Part of this was that they make up a large portion of the guest list and if money got tight, FI wanted to have the option of not inviting people. Sounds bad but he isn't close with any of his extended family nor has he seen them in 10+ years. It was a push from his mom and since his parents are chipping in about 1/3 of our budget, it was only negotiable up to the point that we cut out 2nd and 3rd cousins (that was 45 people mind you!).

FMIL asked FI last week when the invitations were going out and shouldn't we send them soon and he flat out told her we were sending them late so his family couldn't make it! She got pretty mad. So over the weekend I was talking to FI about our RSVP date and said something about will his mom do the calls for his family for missing RSVPs since we don't talk to them. He said he didn't want any one called (from his family...forgetful friends we want there or my side are okay to call) and to just mark them as no....and if they show up oh well they don't have food. He said why would we call people we don't care if they are there to spend more money if they come. Plus, his family is lax about RSVPs so if you call people they could say "yea sure I'll be there" without thinking about it and never show. To me I'm okay with this since it is his family (not like he says this about my family or I'm the one pushing this) but I feel like we are in for a sh*tstorm with FMIL. I normally get along great with her so I don't want this to cause problems. I'd just let FI handle it but whenever FMIL doesn't like what FI has to say she comes to me and asks me. Any advice?

smartlypretty · June 2012

Hmmmm okay let me break this down.

1. I wouldn't consider that "sending them late" in any way. 6-8 weeks is the standard. FI should NOT have said that to FMIL though lol. Tell him he's an idiot (in a nice way).

2. It's prefectly fine not to send STDs to everyone. I didn't send them to a lot of my Dad's extended family that he wanted to invite for basically the same reasons as you. I haven't seen them in years, they aren't local, I doubt they would come, and I didn't want to give them too much notice.

3. So they are chipping in about a 1/3? What percentage of your wedding is his side of the family? What pecentage is yours? About a 1/3 is okay, but I wouldn't want them to monoplolize all the seats at the wedding. Like 1/3 your side, 1/3 his side, 1/3 friends is a good ratio.

4. You should definitely call people that don't RSVP. Again, yell at FI.

In summary: Don't let FI help anymore.

sparent2010 · June 2012

Haha I agree with everything SmartlyPretty said. 100%

6 wks would be on the "later" end, people don't know what their plans are 3 months in advance.

We only sent out STDs to immediate family, WP members and close friends. Pretty much people we knew we were going to invite.

Callmefia · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_fi-vs-fmil-throwdown?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:76885044-386d-4c94-b453-707260c2f518Post:742457a2-74eb-48a0-b78c-7c07060cc9b3">FI vs. FMIL throwdown</a>:
[QUOTE]So I've mentioned on here a few times how we are sending our invitations out on the late end of recommended send dates (around 8 weeks before) because FI is hoping if we send them late his extended family he doesn't want there won't be able to make it. My side got STDs. His groomsmen and friends who have to travel on a plane also got STDs. None of his family did. Part of this was that they make up a large portion of the guest list and if money got tight, FI wanted to have the option of not inviting people. Sounds bad but he isn't close with any of his extended family nor has he seen them in 10+ years. It was a push from his mom and since his parents are chipping in about 1/3 of our budget, it was only negotiable up to the point that we cut out 2nd and 3rd cousins (that was 45 people mind you!). <strong>FMIL asked FI last week when the invitations were going out and shouldn't we send them soon and he flat out told her we were sending them late so his family couldn't make it! She got pretty mad.</strong> So over the weekend I was talking to FI about our RSVP date and said something about will his mom do the calls for his family for missing RSVPs since we don't talk to them. He said he didn't want any one called (from his family...forgetful friends we want there or my side are okay to call) and to just mark them as no....and if they show up oh well they don't have food. He said why would we call people we don't care if they are there to spend more money if they come. Plus, his family is lax about RSVPs so if you call people they could say "yea sure I'll be there" without thinking about it and never show. To me I'm okay with this since it is his family (not like he says this about my family or I'm the one pushing this) but I feel like we are in for a sh*tstorm with FMIL. I normally get along great with her so I don't want this to cause problems. <strong>I'd just let FI handle it but whenever FMIL doesn't like what FI has to say she comes to me and asks me. Any advice?
</strong>Posted by volleygurl0306[/QUOTE]

Advice on how to deal: "Sorry FMIL, but FI is handling this" repeat. repeat. repeat. As many times as necessary.

Your FI was pretty rude about his response to his mom and I would be angry too if I were her, therefore, you should probably stay out of it and let him deal with apologizing to her and moving on. He really should have told her "Hey mom, its standard to send invitations out 8 weeks in advance, so we will be sending them out _____"

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

Thanks ladies!!! FI just gets frustrated with her sometimes because she doesn't understand why he isn't excited to invite his family. She always blames him for not visiting them but they never visit him, don't call or text or send a card on his birthday or Christmas or anything so it is on both sides that no one makes the effort.

The not calling wasn't even an etiquette thing for me (though I know it is rude) it was more, what if we mark 10 of his family members down as no's because FI doesn't want to deal with it and then have that stress of dealing with these people who just showed on the wedding day. Doesn't send the best message of inclusion and being welcomed into his family if we say "Go away."

But the whole saying "yea yea I'll come" on the phone when they could be busy/distracted whatever and not really mean it worries me too. Even FMIL has even been warning about this since day 1. She claims everyone said as of last summer they will definitely be there but she also had a bbq last summer and only 60% of confirmed guests showed up. And she said she has tried to explain how weddings are different but doesn't know if they get it. Maybe I'll have FMIL call as a reminder, but not to take verbal commitments (at least for yeses). We are doing online RSVPs so no issue of timing to mail back a RSVP card so she can call to remind them that in order to have a seat, meal etc, they have to RSVP online. This way we know people are paying attention, actually committed and have the date in front of them on the website. This would seem to be a compromise somewhat. Would that be a rude way to do it? Reminder calls instead of to get an answer?

Callmefia · June 2012

Not everyone can RSVP online, so if they don't have a computer or internet access, do this mean they can't verbally accept? And didn't you put a date they should RSVP (online) by?

Everyone has to deal with the possibilty of no shows, so I would just call and ask. If they aren't sure give them a "If we don't hear from you by friday, we will put you down as a no"

volleygurl0306 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_september-2012-weddings_fi-vs-fmil-throwdown?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:a464c18c-2e4d-469b-8eae-3865079cb9cfDiscussion:76885044-386d-4c94-b453-707260c2f518Post:dc4e61a8-c65b-41c2-80a5-494e7ee7040d">Re: FI vs. FMIL throwdown</a>:
[QUOTE]Not everyone can RSVP online, so if they don't have a computer or internet access, do this mean they can't verbally accept? And didn't you put a date they should RSVP (online) by? Everyone has to deal with the possibilty of no shows, so I would just call and ask. If they aren't sure give them a "If we don't hear from you by friday, we will put you down as a no"
Posted by Callmefia[/QUOTE]

FMIL said everyone has access to a computer in their family. So the only person on both sides who doesn't is my grandfather and I know he is coming.

QueerFemme · June 2012

well... you sort of have to call and follow up on the folks who don't RSVP. It's not as easy as just not giving them food if they show up anyway. Are you going to have security at the door checking IDs against your RSVP list. You will end up with not having enough food, and it could be the people who DID RSVP that don't get to eat/drink.

Your fiance certainly didn't handle this with his mother with very much tact... but, whatever, that's their relationship to navigate. Let him handle it if she mentions it to you.

As far as online RSVPs.... I'm not a fan. I think people are much more likely to forget to RSVP if they have to remember to go log on to a computer when they have the invite in front of them. You are likely going to end up with many more to follow up on.

vickel08 · June 2012

Isn't the idea of people who say they will show up and not show up normal regardless of which side they are associate with B/G? I think if he didn't want his extended family to come he should not have invited or had his mother invite them. In the end I'd rather for family to be angry with me at a family reunion than to come to my wedding angry over the way they were treated during the planning process.

I agree with most people on the board that you should call guest that have yet to RSVP. It would at least give the impression that your FI cares if they come and it will help you get a better idea of a guest count.

FI vs. FMIL throwdown

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