Am I a bad friend?

111Kate111 · July 2009

So one my bridesmaids and best friends is going overseas for a year and she will leave shortly after our wedding. She will be in town the week before the wedding and we will have bachelorette party, get nails done, hang out, be at the rehearsal, and then of course, the wedding. Our wedding is on a Friday, and we having a big party at my parents that saturday for a gift opening/pool party- there will be food, drinks & stuff which will start at 3pm. Immediate family, grandmas, aunts and uncles, cousins and bridal party are invited. My bridesmaid and another friend who is going overseas with her have just scheduled a going away party in the same city at a bar (with a bunch of their friends) later that Saturday night. Am I a terrible friend for not going?? I just know my FI and I will be SO exhausted and FI told me thats not exactly how he would like to spend our first married nights, ya know? We won't leave for the honeymoon til Monday but I just don't think going out to a big bar party is something we will want to do. I will probably crash right after the gift opening! I hope my friend wont be upset.

WWYD? Sorry for how long this is!

sunflower1998 · July 2009

A party has already been planned in your honor for the same day. I don't think you should feel bad at all. I'm sure you will be sad for missing it, but enjoy your special weekend! It only comes once

Brie2010 · July 2009

I would at least stop in, assuming her party's still going after yours is over.She's clearly making an effort for your wedding--it'd be nice to reciprocate. You don't have to stay all night, but I'd at least make an appearance.

111Kate111 · July 2009

that the problem- her's isn't until that night- ours starts at 3pm, but we are not sure how late it will go...

tlv204 · July 2009

I don't think you're a bad friend, but I would try pretty hard to at least stop by. You certainly don't need to stay up all night partying, but it would be a nice gesture.

opalsky007 · July 2009

Ditto Brie--make an appearance. Your friend is putting a lot of time into your wedding right before her life is about to turn upside down!

111Kate111 · July 2009

The other thing is I doubt I will even get to talk to her that much at the party. Usually when I go to her parties there are so many other people there we only say a few words. Not her fault- its just what happens. I just know we will be tired. Could I get her a going away gift if she comes for a bit to the pool party and say goodbye then? I think that would be even better- since we will actually be able to talk. Also, I know FI would rather not go- it will be our first night alone in our place after all the wedding craziness and if one of his friends was having a party the night after the wedding, I can't say I would be super eager to go either...

Brie2010 · July 2009

Obviously you won't know until the day of how late your party is going to go, but I'd either go after it was over or duck out while it's winding down. People will chalk a slightly early exit up to being horny newlyweds, or wedding exhaustion.It's really not the same that you're going to see her a lot in general the week before--that's all stuff that's about you, not her. And if she's moving across the world right after your wedding, she's obviously put her priorities aside for a bit to help you celebrate. IMO, to be a good friend, I'd go.

111Kate111 · July 2009

and if she can't go to the pool party I will run over a gift to her apartment and say kinda goodbye then??

[Deleted User] · July 2009

I know it's hard, but I would try to stop in as well. You will see her at the wedding, but that is about you, the party is about her. I live in England and it is difficult to leave sometimes, I think she will want to see you at her party. Stay for an hour.

scoetto · July 2009

It sounds like you don't want to go, so don't. But honestly, I think you should at least stop by, even if it's just for a drink or two.

banana468 · July 2009

Can you stop in for one drink on the way home?

Brie2010 · July 2009

It sounds like your excuse is "I'm going to be tired," which to me, doesn't hold water. You don't have to spend the whole night there. We do things for our friends we don't always want to do because of the friendship. I'd be piissed if I stood up in my friend's wedding, went to her shower and b-party and whatnot, spent money on dresses and hotels and gifts, and then she couldn't be bothered to say hello at my going-away party.

Moneypenny424 · July 2009

I agree that you should try to stop by the party. Just put an in appearance. Sure, you won't be getting quality time with her, but I think the effort is important. Your wedding and the parties are important to you, but her moving abroad is a big thing for her. If you're party goes really late, it would be understandable that you might not be able to make it, but definitely try.

111Kate111 · July 2009

I am going to do my best to make an appearance. I am also going to try and do something extra special for her before she leaves, just in case we can't make it. Perhaps I should take her out to brunch or dinner when she gets in town, just the two of us, to toast her new adventure? I want her to know how much I love her and will miss her.

Grrr.... I hate goodbyes!!!

RomysDannie · July 2009

I agree with the pps. i apologize if you said this before and i didn't see it, but is she coming to your party? i would say if she goes to your party then you should at least go to hers even if only to finder her, give her a hug, and say your goodbyes there. you would want her to use the excuse that she is tired and has other plans to not go to your planned event. I know you will be totally exhausted, being around a lot of people and sort of entertaining for that amount of time is tiring, but at least just go even if you stay for a celebratory drink and a hug. she will definitely appreciate it.

RomysDannie · July 2009

* you wouldn't want her to use the excuse that she is tired and has other plans to not go to your planned event.

longboatbride · July 2009

Sounds like you're looking for excuses not to go. So yes, you are a bad friend. Suck it up and put in a brief appearance. I am sure both families will understand and agree that it is the right thing to do.

MOBinFL2008 · July 2009

IMO, your wedding ends right after the reception. The pool party and gift opening are not part of your wedding; just one more even for you to be the princess.Saying you'll try to go to your friend's party is not enough, you and your DH need to put smiles on your faces and show up to say good-bye to your friend no matter how tired you are.As important as your wedding is for you, moving out of the country is equally big for your friend. You should take her out to lunch in addition to showing up at the party. She'll know you're there, even if you just wave at her across the room.

cravecase · July 2009

I personally think that you should both stop in for at least a bit...I would be extremely upset if you didn't. One of my closest friends is a BM in my wedding, we both now live away from home (where the wedding is). She is coming home for my wedding, has bought a dress, done all the bridesmaid things that she could from her distance. The day after my wedding is her baby shower. We do not leave for our honeymoon until the day after the shower and I would never use the excuse of being too tired. I am sure it is not the way my hubby would want to spend our first days of marriage, but we already need to attend a family BBQ for OOT guests so I am definitely going to make an appearance to show my support, she has definitely shown it for me.

111Kate111 · July 2009

The party is being planned by my parents and they have already invited people- I really didn't think this party would get so much hate lol

So I can't really not go, cancel it, or leave early (and now IL's want to do something after...). If I knew I about my friends party I would have let my parents know sooner- I just found out about it a few weeks ago. The party is not really about me and FI, its about our families that have traveled a long way being able to hang out and party- the food is being catered and there will be a bar. A lot of my aunts and uncles will not get to be at the rehearsal dinner (FI 's family is hosting it and that would be too many OOT guests) so this will be the time that our families can relax and unwind and actually talk without the craziness of being at the wedding. I will do my best to make it to her party and am going to talk to her about it tonight, as I feel terrible. I am just going to play it by ear and see what happens- I think stuff always ends up working out. Thanks for the advice though- it made me realize I do need to do everything I can to try and make the party- and I will for sure- its very important, which I never doubted.

Am I a bad friend?

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