Can't Get Engaged Until...Help!

MrsSowder · March 2010

My boyfriend and I have been dating for some time and we both know that we'll be engaged soon. We have just one problem...

His family is seriously traditional Baptist.

My family is seriously traditional Catholic.

No one is gonna cave on what kind of ceremony we should have!

He and I have discussed this at length and while we want to make our families happy, we can't do that and still have the wedding ceremony WE want. Personally, Curt and I don't want any specific religious denomination to be the focus. We would love something personal and meaningful to us with no specific religion attached...but our families are SO traditional.

So...he hasn't asked my Dad (again, traditional) for my hand in marriage because we know the topic of debate that will be brought up instantly and we just don't know how to handle the situation yet.

Advice?!

Narwhal · March 2010

If you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to tell your family what you want out of a ceremony. Unless they are paying for it.

chickadeedeedee · March 2010

Would your parents be okay with having both of your home church's preachers at the wedding? Obviously, the couldn't BOTH officiate, but I know when my cousin got married last October, she was married by her husband's pastor, and the pastor of her home church gave his own blessing during the ceremony and delivered the Grace at the reception meal.

paintgirl · March 2010

Do what you want. It's your wedding. Ditch the family and hit the beach. Or have the wedding at a non-denominational church or a traditional service at one of your churches, without the full mass or whatever Baptists do (I don't know).

Easier said than done, I know, but frankly... screw 'em. It's your wedding. Do it your way.

Button5807 · March 2010

It's your wedding not your or his parents. They already had theirs. Pay for it yourself so you can do whatever you want.

MrsSowder · March 2010

Easier than done, for sure.

It just feels like the kind of situation where even if we do just say screw it and do what we want, it's not going to be "what I want" to have any family members unhappy on what should be my day.

EHJL · March 2010

There are a lot of articles on doing this. I have a great one in my wedding book that suggests mixing the two religions in one ceremony. Do whatever you do in a wedding for both religions and add the personal stuff you want to add. It will be a longer ceremony but it has a better chance of making everyone happy. I've seen it done this way in my friends wedding. They did both Catholic and Jewish traditions and it was lovely . If that can mix you should have no trouble mixing Catholic and Baptist. The only issue would be a venue. If no one can agree. Don't have it at a church.

I also had a friend who had two ceremonies and invited everyone to both. More expensive and also a pain but TWO SETS OF GIFT!!

Narwhal · March 2010

You aren't leaving any room for an answer here. You ask our advice, we tell you what to do, and you don't want to do it. Sorry, but in this situation, either you make yourself happy or you make your family happy. You can't do both.

paintgirl · March 2010

Interesting ideas on the mix of traditions and using two officiants. That might be more up your alley, since our "screw 'em" mentality doesn't seem to be a good route for you.

Narwhal · March 2010

In Response to Re: Can't Get Engaged Until...Help!:
[QUOTE I also had a friend who had two ceremonies and invited everyone to both. More expensive and also a pain but TWO SETS OF GIFT!!

Posted by EHJL[/QUOTE]

Oh HEAVENS NO.

No.
If you have two ceremonies, you can't ask for gifts for both. That is ridiculous.

MrsSowder · March 2010

I appreciate your reply, but understand the reason for my posting here is that I didn't immediately SEE an answer...of course I've been up and around several options, none of which seemed like the route to take.

While I'm glad for the feedback, understand that it isn't as cut and dry to everyone as it may be to you.

MidniteRae · March 2010

Have an interfaith wedding.

MrsSowder · March 2010

I agree with that. I couldn't ask for that from people, and wouldn't. While it's amusing, that many gifts isn't necessary.

noelle24 · March 2010

1) Catholic and Baptist are not all that different in the grand scheme of things. It's not like you're Catholic and he's Muslim, or Hindu, or etc. It's not like you'll be blending two cultures AND religion. It could be a lot harder.

2) Lots of people have inter-religion marriages all the time, and manage to work it out. Have two ceremonies (although I'm pretty sure the Catholic one would have to be the first one, where you actually become married). Talk to the ladies on the Catholic weddings board, and the interfaith board. They'll be able to help you out more than us.

Tres) If you are old enough to get married, you and your FI should be old enough to decide what is most important to you. If that involves going against your families' wishes, then so be it. If it involves sacrificing your wants for your families', then go with that.

I personally think that you can only go so far in pleasing parents, and in cases like this, they are going to be bugging you for life (ie., how are you going to raise your kids? Catholic? Baptist?). This is about more than a wedding.

D) EHJL: Excuse me? Oh hell to the NO. One marriage = one gift. And weddings should not be about gifts... period. End of story.

Narwhal · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cant-engaged-untilhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c9db3c8f-8962-4208-af65-4478262abbd6Post:0f5dc046-89b2-4114-9830-f8b795a55ba5">Re: Can't Get Engaged Until...Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate your reply, but understand the reason for my posting here is that I didn't immediately SEE an answer...of course I've been up and around several options, none of which seemed like the route to take. While I'm glad for the feedback, understand that it isn't as cut and dry to everyone as it may be to you.
Posted by MrsSowder[/QUOTE]

I was talking about the answers you recieved after you posted here.

What i'm trying to say is that it sounds like you want a specific answer from us, when we don't know your families or any situation. Heck, we don't know anything about you. So if you don't like the answer we gave (which, for clarity sake, is forget your families' desires, have the wedding you want, or have an interfaith wedding) then I just don't know what you're looking for.

MrsSowder · March 2010

Good call, Noelle.

I guess it will just come down to what's most important.

And yes, my fiance-to-be is very adamant about the fact that we should do what WE want. It's not our parents' weddings and he isn't marrying them. He's much more sure of how to handle this than I am.

Thanks

I like the info about mixing ceremonies. It could work.

noelle24 · March 2010

I also don't know what other options you are looking for:

1) Have only a Catholic ceremony. Piss off his family

2) Have a Baptist ceremony. Piss off your family.

3) Have an interfaith wedding. Try to please both, likely to cause a lot of headaches.

4) Have the ceremony YOU want - Piss off both families

You need to do what you and your FI can personally live with. We don't know you, or your families. Beyond this, how can we really help? Like I said, if you want to get advice on the logistics of an interfaith wedding, there are other boards for that with ladies who've actually done it. Try there.

jeanacorina · March 2010

FI is Catholic and I'm Protestant. We're not getting married in a church, we're getting married under a gazebo outdoors. Originally, we wanted our (Catholic) friend to get ordained and perform the ceremony, but that didn't work out. FI's dad has a very close friend who is a minister of some kind (dunno what religion, he could be Buddhist for all I know) who will marry us.

1) We won't be in any church, and that's okay with us. If anyone tries to tell me God spends more time in churches than out in his own creation, I'll call shenanigans.

2) We explained to our parents (his were the main issue) that neither of us felt comfortable pretending to be a religion we're not, so we didn't want to choose. We're being married by a neutral person. Maybe you could have a Jewish ceremony and call it a day.

It's about YOUR beliefs. I don't mean you have to say "screw 'em." I mean you need to sit your parents down, and he needs to sit his parents down, and see what sorts of things are important to them and what they can deal without.

FI's parents really wanted us to be married by a "REAL" officiant, not a friend who got ordained online. I am still sore about that... but it's a compromise. Our friend is a groomsman instead.

Of course, FI's mom still has to be awkward and tell me her mother is probably rolling over in her grave because we're not having a Catholic wedding. I just said "Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that. We're not trying to hurt feelings, that's just the decision we made together."

noelle24 · March 2010

Oh, and one more thing:

Many Catholic churches might refuse to marry you if you aren't actively practicing and don't want to raise your kids in the religion. Somethign to consider.

jeanacorina · March 2010

Noelle, that's exactly why we didn't want to bother with a Catholic wedding. We know that in this area, you have to AT LEAST agree to raise your kids Catholic... and I just don't feel comfortable with that. I think religion is a VERY personal thing. How can I make that choice for another human being?

A compromise is the most obvious answer to me. Do interfaith (have a representative from each religion participate in the ceremony) or go neutral.

loopy82 · March 2010

BF is a lot easier to say than fiance to be.

I'm going to start calling myself a wife to be.

Button5807 · March 2010

loopy it's shortened to W2B lol

katanne9 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cant-engaged-untilhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c9db3c8f-8962-4208-af65-4478262abbd6Post:91a5e577-1bd3-4767-8548-832bbf3c1b3a">Re: Can't Get Engaged Until...Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I also had a friend who had two ceremonies and invited everyone to both. More expensive and also a pain but TWO SETS OF GIFT!! :)
Posted by EHJL[/QUOTE]

Eek. Don't do this. This is rude.

oceana919 · March 2010

[QUOTE] I also had a friend who had two ceremonies and invited everyone to both. More expensive and also a pain but TWO SETS OF GIFT!! :)
Posted by EHJL [/QUOTE]

That did not just come out of your mouth.

::HEAD DESK x 10::

loopy82 · March 2010

Good job Button.

Although I realized I will probably get far more use out of H2B.

Button5807 · March 2010

Well...duh

desertsun · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cant-engaged-untilhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c9db3c8f-8962-4208-af65-4478262abbd6Post:0f5dc046-89b2-4114-9830-f8b795a55ba5">Re: Can't Get Engaged Until...Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate your reply, but understand the reason for my posting here is that I didn't immediately SEE an answer...of course I've been up and around several options, none of which seemed like the route to take. While I'm glad for the feedback, understand that it isn't as cut and dry to everyone as it may be to you.
Posted by MrsSowder[/QUOTE]

I think we all understand that this can be a difficult kind of situation, and that other people being unhappy with your decisions is no fun when you want it to be an amazing and happy day for everyone.

However, it's best to start developing a thicker skin now.

It only gets harder once you're engaged.

I'm not suggesting you be callous toward your loved ones.

Just that you understand that the marriage and wedding is about you and your bf/fi/future husband person, and what will make the two of you happiest.

It sucks, but you can't please everyone, so you have to choose whether it's more important to be true to yourself, or please others. And in this case, you won't be able to please everyone, anyway, so...

Yes. Do what you and your future husband decide is best for YOU and try not to worry about making others happy. That's all you can do. In life there are always people who have inappropriate emotional boundaries, who think it's your job to please them. It doesn't make you a bad person to tell them that's not your job. It doesn't mean you love them any less, either. It just means that you are an adult who DOES have appropriate emotional boundaries.

Good luck, and let us know what you decide/how it turns out.

jeanacorina · March 2010

I agree with Desert about it getting worse:

This is not the only thing that will pop up where people (especially family people) expect you to do something the way they want it to be done, regardless of how you feel.

See my "I should have eloped" button? I made that about halfway through my planning. I have compromised and refused and given in and everything in between. Some days I wonder if this is even MY wedding. It's HARD. So be prepared for more and set the tone for future decisions now.

Acrosthec · March 2010

The one thing I've learned during my wedding planning is that it's impossible to please everyone. Try to please as many people as possible, and most importantly yourself, and go from there.

I also thoroughly agree with Noelle that religion is NOT going to stop at the wedding. You and your BF need to have the talk about what religion you're going to want to raise your children (if any) and stand firm in that. If your parents are sticklers about what church you're getting married in, they're definitely going to have an opinion regarding what religion their grandchildren are, and you need to be prepared for it. Making that kind of decision now, before it comes up, will solidify you together against your parents regarding your beliefs, and may also help you figure out which route you should take regarding your wedding. I'm not sure, but I would assume that whatever you think is important enough to raise your children in that manner, it's important enough to marry by their rules as well, especially if you choose to raise your children Catholic.

loopy82 · March 2010

Button - there is a reason my sn is Loopy. That was my nickname for a while. Since I'm not blonde I blame all the chemicals from getting my hair colored.

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