Are you changing your last name?

AuroraGirl · July 2009

There's an interesting article in today's Globe&Mail about a guy who changed his last name to his wife's. The comments section is huge and I'm amazed at how much controversy it is causing...http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/i-took-my-wifes-last-name/article1232071/I personally haven't decided what to do. I come from a country where each peson keeps their own last names (we have two) and the children get two (1 from dad and 1 from mom) so i'd rather not change mines, but I'm also aware that here in Canada it is an important tradition for some families. I knot if I ask my mom and dad they will tell me to do what I feel is best for me... FI said I can do whatever I want but I know deep inside he wants me to change it. He has this weird theory about children with parents that don't share lastnames being bullied at school...??? (No idea what kind of school that would be, I'm not putting my kids there!!)My boss came up with an interesting suggestion, keep my current last name as my middle name and use FI's as the last name... It may be too loong.What are you girls doing? Have you faced controversy with your decision?

torontobride17 · July 2009

I'm not changing mine. It never really occurred to me to do it. Professionally, it's important I keep my name as I have built up credits. I would do a hyphenated name but our names together sound kind of ridiculous.I think my FI would prefer I change it though. I feel a bit bad for him, but not enough to change it.

MeaghanG · July 2009

I's taking his name. They are really similar so it isnt too big a deal to me. Also, it was really important to me that we have the same last name. He told me it was up to me and that I could make they choice, he would support me no matter what I chose. The only controversy was from my mom. She had changed her name, then divorced 30 years later. She couldn't go back to her maiden name anymore, professionally so she kept her married name. I guess she was nervous that something like that could happen to me? When I explained to her that it was important to me to take my husbands name, and that, for me, it was part of starting my new family with my husband, she dropped it. No one else has been shocked at ALL that I am changing my name. I think changing your current last name to your middle name and then taking his is a great idea. You can keep your connection to your heritage and compromise on something that is clearly very important to both of you.

miellen · July 2009

I haven't thought of what's happening with our last names, but boy did I enjoy reading that article and the comments. One person said it all:A man taking on a woman's name does not emasculate him....it does the very opposite. Only strong, secure men would be able to do this.Thanks for the link!!

ChihuahuaGolf · July 2009

I am keeping my name and he is keeping his. Right now we think we will give any children a hyphenated name (unless someone has a better idea??). My primary reason is because I think having the woman change her name is old fashioned and sexist. My secondary reason is that both he and I are known in our respective fields and don't want to lose that recognition. We thought about hyphenating legally (and personally) and keeping our original names for professional purposes, but we were advised against that. Both of us cross the border for work, and apparently if your name for your reason for travel to the States (i.e. Chihuahua Golf is presenting at a conference) is different from the name on your passport (i.e. Chihuahua Golf-Smith), you could be denied entry. I realize that the chances of this happening are slim, but I am not one to leave things to chance. I would not hyphenate my name if he wasn't willing to hyphenate his. The in-laws are very upset with our decision. His parents think the man should be the head of the household and all that. His brother still makes fun of him for not being a "man," and his sister thinks going against "tradition" is horrible. They all thought that because I can cook, that I would make a good little wife, so they were "shocked" about my decision. Of course - they have been unhappy with everything I have said and done since we got engaged, so I wasn't really surprised. My sister did not change her name, and nobody in my friend or professional crowd has changed their name either, so my family is fine. My FI knows that I am very strong willed and independent (and just happen to make a mean apple pie), so he wasn't surprised. He was the one to suggest we give the kids the hyphenated name, since neither of us wanted to be bothered with it! Sorry that was so long - it's hard not to let the in-law issues creep into everything! To the OP - is your FI from a small town? My mother worries about the different last name thing too because when we were kids, everyone's parents were married...and you got made fun of if your parents were split up (of course that usually was accompanied by poverty...i.e. old clothes, no good toys, all the things that are important to kids). Now that divorce is more common and there are so many options for name-changing (or keeping!), I don't think it will be an issue.

ring_pop · July 2009

I'm going to assume his name.I had to think about it because even though in theory, I've always known that I wanted to have the same last name as my husband, when actually faced with the prospect of "losing" the identity I've had my whole life... I was a little hesitant.I've also been indecisive because of the culture factor. I'm a different ethnicity from FI and I'm afraid that when I'm in a situation where I'm meeting someone in person for the first time after emails or phone calls, they'll be confused. I know that mixed marriages are becoming more and more common... but still.I did have a thought about the sexism argument though. The thing is - I didn't choose my maiden last name. It was given to me because of my father. So at least this way, I get to choose my name. And I'm choosing to share an 'identity' with my husband.

AuroraGirl · July 2009

Yes, FI is from a relativelly small town and has lived outside of the GTA for the most part. But i think he's very "cosmopolitan" with respect to most things, however, in this case, I think his view is based on the strange ideas his parents/friends put in his head (Specially my MIL...) I am also concerned about the issues crossing the border. As an immigrant, is already complicated enough with my visas/passport, etc since I have two names and two last names, so changing it again may be a bit too much confussion. On the other hand, my boss says that if my last name is different than my children's it will be even more complicated to cross the border... no idea if she's right.Oh well, I have two months to decide...

torontobride17 · July 2009

Oh that note though, my sister kept her maiden name, and her kids just have her husband's (now ex-husband) last name. When she travels with her kids, she doesn't have any problems at all. And her kids have an "ethnic" last name.

raynes · July 2009

A few days late to the party, but here's my 2 cents.I'm not overly attached to my last name (mind you, it's the root of all nicknames I've had for the last 7 years) and it's important to Derek that I change my name, so, I'll be assuming his name.The lazy arse IT guys here at work want me to keep my maiden name professionally so they have to do less work, but to me, it's all or nothing. I haven't yet built up a name for myself in my industry, I've yet to get my professional designation, and I'm still working on my Masters, so to me, now's the perfect time to change.We've joked about my brother taking on his future wife's last name (no one in particular in the picture, just hypothesizing) because he's not all that attached to it either. I totally support whatever decision people decide to make, it is their name afterall.

ChihuahuaGolf · July 2009

I have heard both ways - travelling with kids with a different last name causes issues (from a former boss that had a manager called at airport security because she was travelling alone with her kids), and that because it's becoming more and more common, that it's not a problem (from a co-worker, who is Indian, with a Canadian husband, and children that look a lot like him!). I will admit that having the same last name as my kids is important to me, which is why we've decided to give any kids both of our names. They don't sound too bad together, and it's really the only "fair" thing we've come up with. I laughed at ring_pop's "different ethnicity" comment - where I did my undergrad there seemed to be a lot of Asian/Scottish mixed marriages, so I've known many women (both profs and prof's wives) that are either British with an Asian last name, and vice versa! I think you are right about it not being an issue

C&Rin09 · July 2009

Late to the party! You know, this question was asked on my club board today and I was the only one keeping my maiden name. It just did not feel right to change it, although I wrestled with that decision for a long time. It is not really about sexism or property or whatever for me, more about the fact that this is my name, and that's that. It would be weird for me to have any other name. FMIL doesn't know yet...I'm leaving that one up to FI

silversparks · July 2009

I'm also a late-comer!DH would really like it if I changed my name. We think as a family we should have the same name. Unfortunately he is too established professionally to change his (we talked about him taking mine or trying to come up with some kind of non-hyphenated mix), and I started my 6 years of professional training before I met him, so I'm very emotionally attached to becoming Rabbi M - I wouldn't change it professionally or before I get ordained!Also, I'm in the US on a student visa, and changing all my documents (passport, social security cards, etc.) would be a HUGE PITA!!! So not worth it. Crossing the border is stressful enough already as it is. (As a side note, the reason why people sometimes have trouble taking their kids across the border is because of child-trafficking concerns. The easiest way to avoid this is to bring a letter, preferably notarized, signed by the other custodial parent saying that you have permission to take the kids out of the country).Our solution is that any future kids will have his name, and as a family, socially, we'll be the Ws. I haven't asked my family for their opinions, if his parents have one they're not sharing (and it's totally not up to anyone else). I think it's important for you to make the decision together though, it's about respecting both of your cultures and families. And only you know how you'll feel if someone calls you the "wrong" name.

shebar · July 2009

I know that in Quebec and most of Eurpoe it is not normal for the woman to change her name at all. I'm not sure what happens to the children's name, but I would be interested in finding out. I know that when my aunt moved to Quebec she had a heck of a time getting a driver's license since she was in the middle of a divorce and hadn't changed back to her maiden name yet. They were very confused by the fact that she had changed her name. Guess "tradition" is very subjective!

rxbeth · August 2009

Late comer! I'm going to assume his last name since I would want any kids to have the same name as both of us. We also joked about him taking my name since I'm 'the main breadwinner'. I might leave my last name professionally, though. I'm not sure yet. I would just be worried if I changed my name that if I try to get a new job and use some of my school contacts, no one would know who I am.

Are you changing your last name?

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