inviting the exes?!

mroeder29 · July 2009

I have a dilemma. My fiance wants to invite his ex-girlfriend's parents and siblings to our wedding (but not her) because he is still friends with them. He claims that he was actually friends with her parents first (he used to work with them, sorta) and that's in fact, how he met HER. It's been about seven years since they broke up and she is married now with a baby. That being said, it's important to note that he used to live with this ex-girlfriend and he has admitted to me that he wanted to marry her, but she was the one who broke it off years ago. His friends have told me that he was absolutely heart-broken for months.He doesn't really keep in touch with her, but he is still good friends with her brother and also stays in touch with her sister. He even golfs with her dad once or twice a year. I know there's no chance of his old flame rekindling. Yet it does bother me that he is still close to her family and wants to invite them. We barely knows MY family because they live another state. It would break my heart if I see him spending more time with HER family than mine during our reception. We are keeping our wedding small (about 75 guests) so I had suggested that he invite the ex-girlfriend's brother only (since they are the closest) and explain to him that our guest list is small for budget reasons. (in case he wonders why his parents weren't invited). However, my fiance got really upset with me and accused me of trying to "control his guest list."I don't think he understands why this makes me feel uncomfortable. I should also mention that the ex-girlfriend got married in February and he was NOT invited to her wedding. (despite his ongoing relationship with her family). Anyway, I am also concerned that if her family does attend our wedding, they will be comparing everything (including me) to her and her big celebration. I really don't want to be judged like that on my wedding day. I've never even met her parents and probably won't before our wedding!Am I being too uptight about this? Should I just keep my mouth shut and include his ex-girlfriend's family in our big day? Am I wrong to wish they would not be there? I need some advice... please!!! And in case you're wondering, I have no plans to invite any of my exes (or their families) to the wedding.

SweetCFly · July 2009

Wow, this is a tough call. I think inviting the brother, like you suggested, is the best compromise. The wedding day is about the bride AND the groom, so I think it's fair to compromise and one person doesn't 100% get "their way". Good luck!

vjcjenn1 · July 2009

Well I wouldn't use the fact that he wasn't invited to her wedding as a reason...again you are not inviting her...if the brother had gotten married and not invited him then the precedent would be set.The fact that they still golf together...father and your fiancee...I say is a close enough relationship that they should be extended an invitation...Though I don't thinkyou have to keep your mouth shut, leave the decision to him but voice your concerns

Bmore09Bride · July 2009

maybe it's me...but I feel ya on this one...i would not want them there...maybe you could talk to him about how it makes you feel and that you really aren't controlling the guest list...I say invite the brother but the rest of the family seems weird to me.

JVeaux · July 2009

I kinda feel you on this one too. On one hand I want to say "hey, he's marrying YOU and that's all that matters, right?" but then a bigger part of me thinks that I wouldn't want there there either. For one, my parents (and I) would hate if he talked to them more than my family - my family would say "what does he want to be in their family". Plus you don't want all of these feelings floating around in you during your wedding...let him golf with him all he wants but this wedding is about you and your FI's families coming together.

dreamer1125 · July 2009

Flame away, but I would not be cool with that. If you were having a really big wedding that would be one thing, but with only 75 people I think it's unnecessary. The wedding should be about you and his future as a couple, not his past.JMO.

SweetCFly · July 2009

I know I already posted, but ditto everything Jveaux. I mean, my FI and I have friends that we are close with/he golfs with and does manly things with, but won't be invited because we need to keep numbers down. Just because they play golf or see each other otherwise 1-2x per year doesn't mean they have to be invited. So I stand by saying just invite the brother. It seems like that's what you're comfortable with.

taracy · July 2009

I think it would be a world full of awkward to invite all the members of his ex's family EXCEPT her. It could cause some family drama. If your FI can't see why this is upsetting to you, then you really need to talk to him about this. He probably sees them as old friends. To you, they are the ex's family, so it's obviously an uncomfortable situation. Good luck.

sunshine_day_dreams · July 2009

I totally feel you on this one too. Honestly, if they've been broken up for 7 years and she's married and all that, I don't think the family would really show up and compare you and everything to their daughter. However, you don't need the stress of even feeling like they might be on your wedding day. The day is about you and FI and even if he doesn't think it's a big deal, he should understand why it is to you.I think that inviting the brother is acceptable and more than enough - especially for a 75 person guest list. FWIW, if our guest list were only 75 people, there's no way in hell FI would be inviting any of his exes family members!

mroeder29 · July 2009

Thanks so much for the input! It's so hard sometimes to recognize when/if you're being out-of-line with these sensitive issues when they arise. Why can't it all be simple?! : )I think I'll try to suggest once again that we invite the brother and hope he's ok with that. Let's hope it works.

Joanis018 · July 2009

DH and I both had exes attend our wedding. We've managed to stay friends with them and neither of us had any problem with the others ex attending. I guess we saw it that we had chosen to be with each other, not the ex, so why not invite them since we're still friends?My ex that came to the wedding got engaged and married after me and invited me to his wedding and we had a blast. I don't see what the big deal is. AND your fi will not be spending more time with her family than yours. Weddings are so crazy there's not a lot of time to spend with each individual person.

wawajeanne · July 2009

Yep, ditto Joan. Including the fact that two of my DH's ex's were at our wedding because he's still friends with them. If you don't have enough room to invite the whole family, then you don't have enough room to invite the whole family so I see nothing wrong with restricting it for that reason.But this is his ex from SEVEN years ago. That's a while. I think you need to work on moving on and not letting something that really has nothing to do with you affect how you feel about yourself or your relationship. It's not like he even wants to invite her. This just doesn't seem to be worth fighting over unless (like I said before) you just don't have the space for people who are just 2x a year golf buddies.

FieryIrishAngel · July 2009

I think you're completely overreacting. It sounds like your FI wants to invite these people based on the merit that he has relationships with them outside of the relationship he had with their daughter/sister that ended SEVEN YEARS AGO. That's a pretty substantial amount of time.Whether or not he was invited to his ex's wedding has no bearing on whether or not he should invite her parents to yours. I don't believe in that tit-for-tat crap that you only invite those who invited you junk. Either the people matter to you (or your FI) or they don't... it's not a contest.Clearly these people matter to him, and based on that, he should be "allowed" to invite them. Unless you have an issue with numbers and he's going over the allotted amount, then leave him be and quit worrying about it. There are bigger and more important things that are deserving of your attention.

lsgarver · July 2009

I have talked to an ex's dad, mom and sister far more recently than I talked to him and I can tell you I felt nothing...no pangs or memories or anything about my old relationship. They are just people who at one point touched my life. If we had had more room on the guest list, I would have invited them.Look, if there was anything for you to be bothered about, he wouldn't have invited them to the wedding. He obviously thinks there's nothing to be worried about.And only losers would judge you or compare you to their daughter. Please don't let this ruin your wedding day. Let it go and don't dwell on it. If it makes you feel better, compromise with FI and tell him you'll be happy to invite them if he puts in some real QT to get to know your family that weekend.

Ragdolls · July 2009

I'm chiming in wildly late on this one but had to put a big ditto on everything that the last few posters have written. Why would you nix these people from your guest list only because they're family of a woman your FI dated SEVEN years ago? Also, it's not exactly a news flash that people compare weddings. Every married woman (man, MOB, MOG, etc.) at your wedding will look around and think at least a little about their day. That's not a bad thing - and if it doesn't bother you for everyone else it shouldn't bother you for them. This is based on nothing but reading your post, but it sounds like you might have some leftover resentment toward this girl and your FI's old relationship with her. Thoughts about whether he admitted once wanting to marry her are best left behind. If I were you I'd take any energy you might have spent on this and put it toward working through those issues and setting you and FI up on the path to a happy marriage where you can leave your - and each other's - pasts where they belong.

fun9 · August 2009

Stick to your guns. Do not forget that this is YOUR wedding. If I were in your situation, the family would most definitely not be invited. Do not compromise for the fact that you don't want to argue over it.... because you may look back and regret the fact that they were there.

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