How to make him feel 1st?

mehgank · July 2009

Hello, I'm new here, however, I'm not new to getting married. This will be my second marriage, in fact, but it'll be his first. Our wedding is scheduled for next summer. I'm posting this because my fiance has expressed to me a couple times that he doesn't want to do anything in our wedding that my ex did when I got married to him (the garter toss, for example). It's getting really frustrating because there are even wedding photo poses that he has vetoed. I don't want to ignore his concerns, but I also think he's being a bit unreasonable. Especially since (and I know you gals hate hearing this being said) my wedding to my ex didn't even feel "real". It was hasty, our families weren't there (besides my mom), and I didn't even wear a wedding dress. Now, anyone who knows me knows that is so not me to do something like that, but I was 19 and the man I was seeing was leaving soon and we wanted it to be "official".Anyway, we're planning a big wedding, both our families will be there, and I don't want to deprive them of seeing their son on what is supposed to be the happiest day of his life. I feel guilty telling him the things I did in my last wedding for fear that he's going to say no to doing them at our wedding next year.Is there any hope for me to make this feel special to him? I feel like I'm paying for having been married before.

jeannigirl · July 2009

Well it might be good for you to sit down and find out what the issues are that is making him feel this way. Show him where its not the same has the first time around. Find out what he wants to have in the wedding.

right1thistime · July 2009

I don't think he is "making you pay for being married before." I think he is worried that YOU will NOT feel the excitement because "ho-hum, been there done that." This sounds like one of those opportunities to take a long walk, or open a bottle of wine and sit in the living room with no distractions...and just talk. A real heart to heart."You know, FI, that nothing I EVER experience with you during this wonderful time of planning for our future, and planning our wedding and celebrating OUR LOVE is EVER going to feel like my first wedding. <insert some of the real feelings you had the first time around, the doubts, the fears- if they occurred, etc.> There are some parts of the celebration that I didn't experience, but there are some that are so important, either to you or I or both of us, that I wouldn't want to miss the chance to have that moment with you. I promise you, it will be very new, and very exciting for me." See what he says. ~Donna

pamila51510 · July 2009

I agree with pp! You need to talk to him. FI and I ran into all of this as well. I had to find out what was important to him. If you want to do the garter toss and bouquet toss make it different. I am suprising my guy with a Red Sox Garter. He loves the Red Sox and it is making it his. Giving him ownership of the event its self. Its a little thing but it makes it special. Your wedding before was a special moment in time. This is a new day and you have found the one you were supposed to be with. Find out what he really wants in a wedding and make those elements special for him. Mine has to be involved in every aspect but the dress for me. He even went with us for the bridesmaid dresses. It makes him feel special and important and you know what whatever makes him happy makes me happy and I feel like we are on this planning journey together.

mehgank · July 2009

Thanks for the great advice, ladies!My only problem is that I live in Kodiak, AK and he lives in Miami, FL, so we can't really have a sit-down talk. Our wedding isn't until next summer, so we have some time to talk it over, either during my next visit to see him or via webcams once they arrive. This isn't something I want to go over through text or email, since that's proven to get us nowhere in the past, and neither of us are really phone people (though, we're trying). I also think that once we're closer to the actual day and he sees everything coming together, he'll realize how special everything is for the both of us.

handfast4me · July 2009

Wait, you live in Kodiak? I lived in Fairbanks for 4 years. Although I don't have any advice about how to make him feel special, sorry, I just had to comment on your hometown.

NYHarleyBride · July 2009

I agree with all the above, and would especially shy away from conversations about what you did or didn't do last time. Who cares? This is about you two, and now. I think you especially have an opportunity because even if you did some of the traditional customs the last time it didn't have the same meaning or feeling, and particularly means little or nothing to you now. I would get him to focus on that, and in general, not even bring up or discuss what you did last time.

How to make him feel 1st?

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