No Chemistry..Long?

Ladysun083 · August 2009

So..I was talking to myself while I was walking the dog this morning and I have come to the realization that I don't think I have chemistry with FI's son & daughter? Really I dont and I do not know what it is. I am not mean or anything I am really nice to them, we talk here and there but for the most part they are quiet around me when he is not around and vice versa. There is nothing there and again I thought I was a sociopath because I do not care? WTHI want children but I do not think I am a kid person? When I first met them they were like 12ish (now 16 & 17) and I think maybe things would be different if they were younger when I first met them? Also I do not see them often, they live about 2 hours away from us :-) and come over about every other month give or take. His daughter is with us now with one of her friends (lol, not the hot one that you'll know about) we are supposed to go to Cedar Point on wednesday..oh joySo, IDK is this normal?

Dashawn Council · August 2009

for kids that old it probably is norm. if they were maybe under 10 its easy to break in.

blue19violet · August 2009

Lol, did anyone else see you talking to yourself? Never mind... never mind. Chica, I understand. I've never had to deal with stepchildren but it can be very difficult to bond with someone else's children - especially when they are that old. As long as you're nice to them then they can't label you "horrible stepmom." Maybe this trip will allow you guys to see that you have things in common other than your fi. If not, then that's just how it is. You are not abnormal.

Ladysun083 · August 2009

lmao blue, nope no one saw me talking... yeah I guess that is true, like you said as long as im nice.. oh well

Lady Redrum · August 2009

I had to come out of lurkdom for this one. I don't think you are abnormal at all. I'll be a step mom to FI's 9 year old son and I have come to the conclusion that I'm not that fond of his ways at all. At first I thought it was me, but then i realized that I really enjoy other children just not so much him. I'm very nice to him and sometimes act as a sounding board for him but I just don't feel a bond with him. So I think your situation is normal and it's ok. Blended families are complicated and the 'Brady Bunch' mentality is rare. I don't think you have to be overly close to your spouse's children. (My mother was never extremely close to my dad's other daughter and we all have a perfectly normal relationship.)

Spim7 · August 2009

It's the age. Teenagers have no interest or need to add new adults to their lives. It's not you and I wouldn't take it personally. But, they will grow up and who knows maybe when they're older they'll be lots of fun to have around. In the meantime the main thing they'll want is space. Good Luck!!!

mahoganieyes · August 2009

Well if you want to try to build a relationship with or see if you guys have potential for one, maybe have a girls day. What do teen girls like? They like Chris Brown, getting pedicures and their hair did(yes they say that!). So maybe take her out for a pedicure and lunch, see if that will bring her out of hiding. You'll be suprised with a fun activity that kids might start to see you in a different light and open up.

miss2mrscj · August 2009

I understand where you are coming from. FI has a 9 yr old that I was really close to at one point, however his mom has constantly reminded him that I'm not his mother and he doesn't have to listen to me. So his behavior has changed since she butted in. So now I just don't deal with him at all. I'm nice to him but I don't really talk to him as much. My FI has tried to inform this heffa that she really messed up our relationship(stepson & myself) but she doesn't care! Oh well! His loss not mine! As long as you're nice that's all that matters!

mahoganieyes · August 2009

WTH@ MrsMerci? What kind of crap is that? That lady should be lucky that a woman that is not her son's mom would love and take care of her son, like her biological child. If something happend to her, she should be happy to know that you would step up and be like a mom to him. Some women need to keep their own issues aside and do what is best for the kids!

Ladysun083 · August 2009

Oh thanks ladies! :-D I'll just let it flow.

jonsmeshondra · August 2009

It's not easy dealing with someone else's children at all, esp when they are that age. I think you've kinda answered your own question to a degree. They're now 16 and 17 so they have their own agenda. I have 4, ages 9,11,14 and 17. They get along great w/FI (most of the time). His kids are 15 and 18. We get along ok sometimes but no...not much "chemistry." If you guys can be nice to each other and not argue,fuss, and fight, I think things will be ok. And as you said, they are far away. You don't necessarily have the advantage of forming as much of a relationship with them due to the distance. The only other thing I can say is, if there EVER does come a time when they need to talk to you, then let them do so. Don't turn them away.

aquarius125 · August 2009

I am going to play devils advocate b/c my dad got remarried and his wife and I do not have the best relationship. We are cool and all but she isn't going to bridal shows with me and mom if you get what I am saying. She probably would totally relate to you. If the situation would have been presented to me another way then it would have resulted in another response. Do you feel like the kids don't like you? Have yall had probs in the past? Do you want that whole we- are - family vibe? If so I say create it now, Especially if you and FI plan on having children together you are going to need to have a relationship established with the older children. This is coming from someone who is BIG on family. I think how you feel is fine! But I would at least try to bond with them and if they reject you there is nothing you can do about that. But at the end of the day you tried! At their age they know you are not trying to be the mother. Everyone knows their ROLE! I think this family outing is a great idea! GL

Ladysun083 · August 2009

Thanks Jon. Hey Aquarius..actually they do like me according to FI, so its not that, and im def not looking forward to the "we are family" lol i got the song in my head now..I just dont know what it is, for instance ok especially when he is not around, i get the feeling that I dont know what to say to them, or should I say something, if that makes sense. I do like them but I don't feel a bond and i didn't know if it was a common thing to not care one way or the other, you know?

ddyoung · August 2009

I was the stepchild. I was 10. And while me and my stepdad 'get along' when I was a teenager I was still very much a Daddy's girl so I wasn't mean toward him and he wasn't mean toward me but we just kind of existed. I already had a Daddy so very much like you don't know what to say to them, they probably don't know what to say to you either. If you are their first stepmom, they probably don't know what your 'purpose' is so to speak. They have a mom, they have a dad, so eventually your place will come. The only thing I would say is DONT FORCE IT. Like you already said, let it flow.I didn't get really comfortable with my stepdad til I moved out of the house and was almost grown. I think the fact that my mom had other kids with him gave us something else to talk about, his children are now my brother and sister so you kinda have a little connection there too.But now I am about to be a stepmom to a 2 year old and I will admit its already been hard, but I can't imagine if she were a teenager cuz she's already spoiled rotten. good luck! 10 years from now you wont even remember you had these concerns!

SWEETMOCHA_2000 · August 2009

Ladysun, I fell a lot like you do. This is such a good thread. BF has 4 kids 12, 10, 8 and 6 all from a previous marriage. I do get along with all of them and believe that they all like me, BF confirms. The younger 2 are girls and immediately took to me. The second oldest boy (10yrs) warmed up fairly quickly and has even given me hugs. The older one has been a lot more cautious. He never talked to me at all. But now he will talk to me some and even point out things to show me on TV that he finds funny. However when we are alone it is a bit awkward. I don't really know what to say to him and he will not usually start a conversation. I usually don't force it. I think part of his caution is that he does not get along with his mother at all. I think she resents him a bit because she named him after his dad. I would like us all to be a happy family one day. But I guess the definition of happy family is different for every family.

aquarius125 · August 2009

Ladysun- IMHO i think you are doing what counts...YOU CARE! You want to be involved in their lives. It means alot to ppl when they know that you actually care about them not just their daddy. I really respect that you do care! I know you probably tried this but do something like go bowling or play cards, board game or something together and then maybe you could use that as a springboard to start a conversation later when yall have alone time.

Ladysun083 · August 2009

Thank you sooo much ladies, I do feel alot better..as always with time things come along, I definately wont force it. I know my biggest thing is that I dont want to be looked at like "the friend' because I know me and I know for sure that im not their mom..so we'll see if things change.. thanks again girls..

No Chemistry..Long?

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