2nd wedding 4 me, but 1st for him...I need some suggestions!!

Re: 2nd wedding 4 me, but 1st for him...I need some suggestions!!

• jburton0910

  

  August 2009 edited December 2011

  OH!   I am so right there with you.    I had everything I wanted at my first wedding (which was smalll-only 35 ppl) and I really didn't want a big 2nd wedding.   He has known my desires since before we even started dating.    I told him destinational wedding.    He told me he'd think about it.   His parents won't travel.   He said BIG and HUGE reception, I said no.   I said Church Wedding, He said no.    We finally just sat down and talked about what would make us each happy.   Since I canot have my destinational wedding, and he would get his big reception if he stayed home, he agreed on a church wedding.  (Flower girl, ring bearer, 3 or 4 bridal party members).  We finally figured that the big reception was a must by sitting down early (like 3 wks into engagement) and wrote out everyone we wanted to send invitations to.   When we hit over 320, that is when we realized there would be a big reception where ever we went,   I started calling around to find out where I could host 300 people and I got prices from $17 pp (Fire hall rental) up to $175 at different hotels.  As you can guess for 300 pple, we went fire hall and we will be decorating a lot, but! He gets is big reception and I get the church wedding I want.  Yes, there are people that know I am divorced and I had a small first wedding, but most are supportive of the idea of a big wedding.   I am not wearing an all white dress.  I will have color on my dress, but it will still be my style.   The last thing I can say is that you have do what makes you and your FI happiest.   I know you feel like been there, done that,...but remember he has not.   It is one day out of the rest of your life.   If you cannnot compromise on this, whatelse will you say "been there done that" about?

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• handfast4me member

  

  August 2009 edited December 2011

  I guess I'm not understanding the time line between your divorce and your fi, but that's not what you're asking, so I'll move on.  Have you asked him what he wants?  It's not his sons' wedding, it's yours and his.  I got married last year (my second wedding) to a man who had never been married before.  And he wanted it just to be the two of us, on a beach, at sunset.  Sounded good to me, so that's what we did.  It eliminated all the fuss (which I did NOT want to go through).  However, I always caution women that even though it might be a small ceremony with only a few or no guests, that does not remove the stress.  Weddings (and marriages, for that matter) are stressful all in themselves.  So you need to figure out what both of YOU want and then work from there.  And stick to your guns, because everyone will give you their 2 cents, from telling you what you should wear ("You're not wearing WHITE, are you?" is a common question that 2nd brides get) to ("of course your 3rd cousin twice removed that you've never met has to be in the wedding party!"). 

  Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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• jessiebr member

  

  August 2009 edited December 2011

  I am really glad we all have a board on here to chat..we all have different issues than alot of first time brides, but some of the same too.  I was married 4 years ago and divorced just about a year ago.  I am now with a man who I have known all throughout our school years that I have reconnected with.  We are planning an August 2010 wedding at a mansion in CT. At first I wanted to just go to an island, but it is his first wedding also and he wants everybody to be there.  I am finally excited after feeling for a while (secretly) that i have been there before and do not really deserve the big wedding/shower, etc.  I got great advice about that on this board too!  So this time around I took a different approach that to me seems more grown up.  I picked out my ring, we booked our venue and are going to tell our families and friends in a month or so (my sister is getting married next month, and i want to wait until after so I do not steal her thunder).   So anyway, how about a garden wedding or at an outside venue? THe first time I had a huge Italian church wedding with about 300 people (most were his people).  I felt like it was not my wedding at all.  It was totally my mother in law's.  SO THIS TIME...I WILL DO EVERYTHING THAT WE WANT TO DO..FOR US AND NOBODY ELSE!! You guys have to do what is right for you.  Good luck!!!!!!

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• kikifly

  

  August 2009 edited December 2011

  You're not being selfish - weddings are a lot of work. Have you considered hiring a WP or DOC? I got married in May (my second - his first) and I didn't want to be bothered with all of the planning either. I hired a DOC - "weddings by stephanie marie". Since this was my new husbands 1st marriage, he wanted a big wedding. We had the big fanfare and I am so glad for every minute of stress and every penny spent. It was totally different from my 1st wedding; my new hubby is totally different from my ex. Everything is different and new; even the second time around. It's better!I looked at your bio. It looks as if you have already started the planning process - you have your wedding party. You can still have an informal wedding and have his sons included. You can down-size and still make it a nice wedding for him. And again, if you don't want to be bothered with the planning, or if the planning becomes too much for you, get a DOC. My DOC, Sylvia was awesome. Good luck!

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• pamila51510

  

  August 2009 edited December 2011

  Have to agree with Handfast4me. Giggle I have to agree with you on your first comment. I think you need to remember that you may have been married in the past but it isn't a been there done that thing. You never have married this man and you want to make his wants for this day come true. Planning a wedding I have learned is a way to learn about communicating with each other in a different way.  I am used to getting my way being a single mom for a while I just got used to things happening when I wanted them to as well. Honestly I made his life (my FI) a living hell for a while.  I am amazed he stayed with me and we got to the point of him proposing to me.  We are now planning this wedding together and making compromises and growing closer because of it. You are both gonna need to find a happy medium. Talking is the Key!!!

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• sheriinaz

  

  August 2009 edited December 2011

  I am in the my second, his first situation, too! We are getting married on May 1st, 2010. I was feeling a little challenged in making it different because my first, I did a DW in Turks & Caicos with about a dozen people AND we did a big fancy reception at a hotel with 100 when we got back (this part was mostly his mother's idea) . I also was not prepared for my fiance to want to be involved in all the planning! He is one of the rare ones that cares about this stuff. He & his family really want a wedding, so I have gotten over the urge to run off to Vegas and am now focused on making it a classy, smallish (35 ppl), and fun event. I'm wearing an ivory sheath dress (1st time was big tulle ballgown) and we are getting married at Red Rock Crossing in Sedona, which is about 1 1/2 hours away from us. I felt since his family would all be traveling, this would be a good destination for them.I love that this time around will be all about us and I don't have an overbearing FMIL that will invite 45 ppl that we don't even know to the reception:)) Have fun and enjoy this time!

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• mma3

  

  August 2009 edited December 2011

  I would say involve the kids.  My daughter is in mine and I wish that my future step kids could be in it as well.  Even if they are just ushers.  They will remember that they were part of your special day.  Since we both already had the traditional weddding ( I hated every minute of mine since there was so much fighting amongst inlaws) and really wanted to do something fun yet different.  We decided to go with a Halloween themed wedding and while some think we are crazy (especially since I am wearing a black dress) it is what we want and totally different from our previous weddings.  All of us ladies have walked the aisle before and many of our FI haven't.  That said use this opprotunity to bring out your creative side. 

  

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• 2dBride member

  

  August 2009 edited December 2011

  Honestly, if he is the one wanting the big wedding, could he take the lead in planning it?  I'm not a big fan in the first place of the whole concept that this is the bride's day--it takes two to get married, after all.  And it seems to me that the person with the greater interest should take the lead in planning.

  
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• LaBelleFemme

  

  August 2009 edited December 2011

  This is my 2nd, FI's 1st, and I always said that I would do it however he wanted to do it. Vegas, beach, whatever! He decided that he wanted to go the big wedding route, partly because of his Mom (she's always him to have a big wedding), which is fine. At first I was a little nervous about it, what would people think, how would they react, etc. Everyone has been super-thrilled for us and hasn't really brought up anything about the first one. I think that they just see how happy we are together and how right this time is! Honestly, my Mom brings up the "first time around" more than anyone else. But that is just her & her normal tripping over the tongue self. Do what you and your FI are comfortable with. There may have been a "before" but this is the "happily ever after." Good luck!

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• piratet

  

  September 2009 edited December 2011

  I just started perusing this board (after haunting the Vegas wedding board for a while, because that's where we've been talking about getting married) and I am just SO glad to see other people having similar issues! I have already been married once and my guy has never been married. He comes from a very traditional WASP family, but while he himself is not a "traditional" type of person, he very obviously feels pressured to have a church wedding with a big reception. My first wedding was big and expensive and ridiculous and I started regretting it even before things soured between my ex and I. I keep trying to tell my current guy that, but even though he is fine with doing the Vegas thing, he wants to do it in a fancy, expensive chapel and have a catered reception with open bar. My parents WON'T pay for another wedding for me (and shouldn't have to), and his parents don't have the money to pay for one, so at the moment it's just all one big frustration /

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• ssull1974 member

  

  November 2009 edited December 2011

  We compromised in many ways.  My FI is a little shy so when I suggested a destination wedding he was all for it but didn't want to leave people out, so we are doing an at-home reception with lots of people a few months after we return from Maui. 

  Shannon

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