etiquette question

blueberries8 · August 2009

I am curious to see what other people think of this because it is obviously bugging me a little, but I am not sure there is a clear-cut answer...Here's the situation: FI and I are going to his cousin's wedding. His parents flew in for the wedding. I asked him whether him and I were going to give a gift together or whether I should do something on my own. He told me I should get her something on my own. I then asked him what he planned on doing for a gift and he said his parents would give a gift from his family that includes him. I am not upset about spending the $ for a separate gift, but a small part of me judges him for being a financially-independent professional in his 30s about to be married himself who is still being included in his parents' wedding gifts. Do other people think this is appropiate since he is, in fact, not yet married or would the acceptable thing have been for us to give a gift together as a couple that is separate from his parents? I would be interested to know if there is a 'right' etiquette response to how the gift should have been given.

MissSarah786 · August 2009

I'm assuming the two of you got your own invite. If that is the case, then he need to cough up at least $30 and get his own gift. If you get your own invite, then you bring your own gift.

nda_roxybabe · August 2009

What MissSarah said. If you two got your own, seperate invitation you should gift a gift from the two of you

lpstl · August 2009

This would be ok if he and his parents decided to get the couple something really nice and all pitched in, in that case they should allow you to pitch in as well.But, it sounds like he just wants to sign his name to their gift (but you need to get them something on your own?? wtf?).So, in short, he needs to act his age and get a gift from both of you.

agk0125 · August 2009

Tell him to act his age and not his shoe size, yo. I think it stops being ok to piggyback off of your parents gifts when you graduate high school.

banana468 · August 2009

If you're invited as a couple then you give a gift as a couple.What your FI is doing is not acting as a member of a social unit if he wants to tag his name onto his parents' gift. It come across as rather cheap and young.

*BeachBride0410* · August 2009

Either he needs to help with the gift from the two of you, or you are included in the parents gift. I went to my FI's cousins wedding a couple months ago, and his mother included me in the gift. I actually came out and asked her if she wanted the 3 of us to go in on a gift or my FI and I take care of ours. She agreed the 3 of us should go in on one. Are you close enough with your FI's parents to ask his mom about the gift?

ffmaid · August 2009

Unless he is contributing towards teh parents family gift and then it should include you too but failing that he should buy a gift fro the two of you. 1. example of contibuting while engaged one of my cousins got married my parents, sisters, bil, then fi and myself got them a waterford lamp they registered for each couple gave $125 my parents gave $150 I ordered using a coupon code and we all signed the card. That would be ok in my book but that is not what this sounds like

[Deleted User] · August 2009

Ditto Banana.

kebmtm071605 · August 2009

Your FI sounds cheap.The two of you should be giving a gift as a couple. IMO, if you are over 18 (or at the very latest, out of college) and/or you no longer live with Mommy & Daddy, you most definitely should be giving your own wedding gift.

danieliza1127 · August 2009

I agree with you. I think that's wrong 1) that he would be included in his parent's gift given that he's an adult on his own, and 2) that he would tell you to give your own gift. You and him should be giving a gift together and he should not be listed on his parent's gift to the couple.

Calypso1977 · August 2009

adult children should NEVER go in on a gift with their parents. you andyour FI should be giving a gift to the couple together. if he insists on going in on their gift, i think its really shameful that as his FI they dont consider you "family" enough to go on the joint gift.

SwedishChick2011 · August 2009

Is your FI helping pay for the gift from his parents? If he's not, and he also expects you to buy a gift on your own, that's pretty bad. Even if he is contributing to their gift, he should still pitch in for a gift from the two of you. He sounds like a cheapskate, lazy, or both.

ffmaid · August 2009

Calypso- you said adult children should never go in on a gift with their parents. Do you really think that even if adults contribute equally or close? Look at my waterford lamp example. Would you have not gone in on the waterford lamp with your parents and sisters and bils due to it being a group gift???This was a $525 lamp and the thing the cousin wanted the most

Calypso1977 · August 2009

i personally would nto go in on a gift iwth my parents. the only time i would do this is if it was somethign that could be divided up.like, they register for a punch bowl and punch cups. parents could buy the bowl, we could buy teh cups. separate gifts but they'd get hte whole set.i just think having all the names on one gift makes it look like my name was just stuck on, even if i paid for a portion of it. i wouldnt want to come across as cheap or tacky.

laurening · August 2009

I think it's fine to go in on gifts with parents as long as long as the point is get a nicer gift - ex. let's all pitch in to get the expensive Dyson vacuum instead of everyone giving individual and less expensive items. Your FI is being a brat. You two are a social unit. He expects to freeload off of his parents, but you, his fiancee, has to buy her own gift for HIS cousin? Seriously? He needs a head smack. He's being rude to both you and his cousin. At the very least, you should be able to add your name to his parents' gift too (if that's what he's doing). But the proper behavior is for the 2 of you to get your own gift together or at the very least, give his parents money to get something really nice.

polichik · August 2009

I can't even fathom why your FI thought this would be ok. If this is a larger pattern of behavior for him (freeloading off his parents but making you foot the bill), I'd watch out.

FutureMrs.McC · August 2009

Looking past the fact that your FI is being cheap and childish - I can't imagine my FI telling me to get my own gift. Doesn't this seem really bizarre to you? I'm assuming you received an invitation to his cousin's wedding as his date. Therefore, if only one of you were to give a gift it would be him. Using my relationship as an example - I do all of the gift buying because FI is neither interested nor good at it. There is never any discussion on who's name will go on the card, we are a social unit and don't buy individual gifts for people. I would be really upset if I were you because it seems that your FI doesn't consider you part of his family.

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